Dating after loss of spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s up to you and no one else. If it feels like the right time it is regardless of others opinions.

Widower here. I was ready to date before the kids were ready for me to date. Don’t rush them.

My mother died when I was in my late teens. My dad did not date again for years and I would have been fine with him dating again sooner. I never felt like he was trying to replace my mom or anything and that it was hard for him being alone after my brother and I were out of the house. I know even decades later and since his remarriage, he still misses my mom. I think it would be a harder if the marriage had been rocky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s up to you and no one else. If it feels like the right time it is regardless of others opinions.

Widower here. I was ready to date before the kids were ready for me to date. Don’t rush them.

My mother died when I was in my late teens. My dad did not date again for years and I would have been fine with him dating again sooner. I never felt like he was trying to replace my mom or anything and that it was hard for him being alone after my brother and I were out of the house. I know even decades later and since his remarriage, he still misses my mom. I think it would be a harder if the marriage had been rocky.

I wanted to add .. my mom's passing was not sudden. at all. So we also processed some of our grief before her actual passing. I think there is some truth to men just needing someone, especially if they've been married a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s up to you and no one else. If it feels like the right time it is regardless of others opinions.

Widower here. I was ready to date before the kids were ready for me to date. Don’t rush them.

My mother died when I was in my late teens. My dad did not date again for years and I would have been fine with him dating again sooner. I never felt like he was trying to replace my mom or anything and that it was hard for him being alone after my brother and I were out of the house. I know even decades later and since his remarriage, he still misses my mom. I think it would be a harder if the marriage had been rocky.

I wanted to add .. my mom's passing was not sudden. at all. So we also processed some of our grief before her actual passing. I think there is some truth to men just needing someone, especially if they've been married a long time.

One would hope that a father of minor kids would have the self-knowledge to go beyond "men just need someone" and work to support his own children instead of just saying "hey kids here's your new mom! aren't we all happy!" For adult kids he can do as he likes, but still shouldn't expect his kids to be all of a sudden on cloud 9 about the new woman. A reflective person would understand that their experience of a new partner soon after the spouse's death is radically different from what their kids are experiencing, and respect that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try to wait one year, my uncle was remarried within 1 year , my mom was really pissed

None of your mom’s business.

NP, I can definitely see why her mom is upset. I would feel the same way that my sister was so easily replaced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think more importantly, it’s about what you think about your kids. If their reaction matters to you, talk to them and wait. If not, do what you want.

For minor kids, it's just common sense to wait. No matter what their verbal reaction is, they need time to be supported in their grief. The loss of a parent is worse than the loss of a spouse - a spouse you can replace; a parent you cannot. An adult can choose to cover up or end their grieving by rapidly getting remarried, but a child cannot. The remarriage then puts the child and new partner in an untenable situation of competing loyalties. On the flip side, any person who would go all-in in a super fast new relationship with a recent widower with minor kids doesn't really have their head screwed on straight, either. It's not a good sign of their ability to manage their emotions and relationships.

Good post. Children’s viewpoint is a bit different on the loss of a parent.

[Anonymous]

It really depends. Aside from considering your kids, I think circumstances can shape it. I have a friend whose wife died young, very suddenly and unexpectedly. It took him many years before he was able to get out there again. On the other hand, a few friends’ parents had a spouse with cancer who was very sick for a long time and I think they were able to say a proper goodbye and grieve the loss even before it happened. Those folks moved on much quicker but I think in the back of their mind they had accepted the inevitable death long before it happened. I don’t really judge anyone. There is no one set timeline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say - if you meet someone great organically, don’t hold yourself back. But maybe wait a year before doing stuff like online dating.

Also, just because op is dating doesn’t mean the kids lives have to be affected a lot by that at first. I date a divorced dad with teens and we are only slowly starting to have me there at family events etc. I’m fine with waiting to they go to college to get married and move in. There’s a big difference between dating and bringing home a stepdad.

Good luck with that. No matter how old a man's kids are, odds are one (or all) of them will have a problem with you. Including when they marry and have their own kids.

Unless the divorced mother of the kids is welcoming to you and encourages her kids to have a relationship with you, it won't ever be successful.

Maternal loyalty binds are life-long.

I’m not sure what your point is. Are you saying my relationship with their dad won’t be successful because of his kids? Or are you saying the kids won’t accept me as some sort of stepmom figure? My goal is to have a successful happy relationship with their dad (which I do now) and at least a civil relationship with his sons. I don’t expect them to treat me like a second mom. They have parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say - if you meet someone great organically, don’t hold yourself back. But maybe wait a year before doing stuff like online dating.

Also, just because op is dating doesn’t mean the kids lives have to be affected a lot by that at first. I date a divorced dad with teens and we are only slowly starting to have me there at family events etc. I’m fine with waiting to they go to college to get married and move in. There’s a big difference between dating and bringing home a stepdad.

Good luck with that. No matter how old a man's kids are, odds are one (or all) of them will have a problem with you. Including when they marry and have their own kids.

Unless the divorced mother of the kids is welcoming to you and encourages her kids to have a relationship with you, it won't ever be successful.

Maternal loyalty binds are life-long.

I’m not sure what your point is. Are you saying my relationship with their dad won’t be successful because of his kids? Or are you saying the kids won’t accept me as some sort of stepmom figure? My goal is to have a successful happy relationship with their dad (which I do now) and at least a civil relationship with his sons. I don’t expect them to treat me like a second mom. They have parents.

I am saying that the kids MOTHER will have the greatest influence on what kind of relationship you have with his kids, including into their adulthood. Being civil is the bare minimum, most people would like something a bit better than that.

[Anonymous]

My first husband committed suicide. He had been struggling for sometime, but his death was both devastating and surprising. The first eight months were a blur, and taking care of our daughter was probably the only reason I kept any kind of routine. I met someone through friends at around 10 months. We went out a couple of times, and it helped me to understand that I wasn't ready. I needed to be whole again before I could really date. I finally started dating un-seriously at about two years, and met the man who would become husband #2 at about three years. Introducing him to the family of husband #1 was scary, but they have gone out of their way to welcome him. We got married two years later. He loves my first child like his own, we had a couple kids together, and life is good. I couldn't have moved any faster and kept my head together - but I could't begin to judge how anyone else handles the situation, as long as they are attentive to their kids needs as well as their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s up to you and no one else. If it feels like the right time it is regardless of others opinions.

Widower here. I was ready to date before the kids were ready for me to date. Don’t rush them.

My mother died when I was in my late teens. My dad did not date again for years and I would have been fine with him dating again sooner. I never felt like he was trying to replace my mom or anything and that it was hard for him being alone after my brother and I were out of the house. I know even decades later and since his remarriage, he still misses my mom. I think it would be a harder if the marriage had been rocky.

I wanted to add .. my mom's passing was not sudden. at all. So we also processed some of our grief before her actual passing. I think there is some truth to men just needing someone, especially if they've been married a long time.

Yeah but it’s no longer the 70s. There aren’t many women rushing to snag a single parent dad. At least not in a metropolitan town like DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try to wait one year, my uncle was remarried within 1 year , my mom was really pissed

My FIL was married within a year too. I was very surprised because he’d had a long happy marriage, but people do strange things.

Marry in haste, repent in leisure.

I don’t know if he has regrets, but he definitely could have done better. The lady he married was nice enough but came with tons of baggage. She was divorced, bankrupt, had tons of kids (though the youngest was late teens and almost out of the house) She was the first person he went on a date with and settled for “good enough.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say - if you meet someone great organically, don’t hold yourself back. But maybe wait a year before doing stuff like online dating.

Also, just because op is dating doesn’t mean the kids lives have to be affected a lot by that at first. I date a divorced dad with teens and we are only slowly starting to have me there at family events etc. I’m fine with waiting to they go to college to get married and move in. There’s a big difference between dating and bringing home a stepdad.

Good luck with that. No matter how old a man's kids are, odds are one (or all) of them will have a problem with you. Including when they marry and have their own kids.

Unless the divorced mother of the kids is welcoming to you and encourages her kids to have a relationship with you, it won't ever be successful.

Maternal loyalty binds are life-long.

I’m not sure what your point is. Are you saying my relationship with their dad won’t be successful because of his kids? Or are you saying the kids won’t accept me as some sort of stepmom figure? My goal is to have a successful happy relationship with their dad (which I do now) and at least a civil relationship with his sons. I don’t expect them to treat me like a second mom. They have parents.

I am saying that the kids MOTHER will have the greatest influence on what kind of relationship you have with his kids, including into their adulthood. Being civil is the bare minimum, most people would like something a bit better than that.

Well, I don’t have any control over what their mom says to them about me so nothing I can do about that. Sure, I would love to have a relationship that is more than just civil - and right now they seem to like me and they tell their dad they like me - but I’m realistic that kids and adults often don’t just gush over and love their dads girlfriend or wife. My main focus is to have a good relationship with their dad, and to make sure my relationship with him doesn’t interfere in a negative way with their upbringing or their relationship with their dad.

[Anonymous]

Given how many women on this site hate their husbands some of them would be dating the day after the funeral.

[Anonymous]

I’d have a date lined up before the body turned cold...!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try to wait one year, my uncle was remarried within 1 year , my mom was really pissed

My FIL was married within a year too. I was very surprised because he’d had a long happy marriage, but people do strange things.

Marry in haste, repent in leisure.

I like that. I am going to change it a bit though:

"Marry in haste, repent in waste."