Dating after loss of spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try to wait one year, my uncle was remarried within 1 year , my mom was really pissed

My FIL was married within a year too. I was very surprised because he’d had a long happy marriage, but people do strange things.

Marry in haste, repent in leisure.

[Anonymous]

Lost my husband in November 2016. He was the absolute love of my life. A true soulmate.
I was blessed to find my new partner in July 2018. We have the same connection as I did with my ex but in a different way. So blessed to have met 2 soulmates in my lifetime.

[Anonymous]

If you care at all about what is socially acceptable, wait a year.

If you start dating before a yr, people will talk and it is likely other family members will feel a little hurt. That matters to some people. If what others think doesn't really matter to you, then do what feels right. Do check in with your kids though-their opinion should matter, within reason.

[Anonymous]

I think more importantly, it’s about what you think about your kids. If their reaction matters to you, talk to them and wait. If not, do what you want.

[Anonymous]

Men probably need to remarry quickly-- most men accustomed to long term marriages, do not do well without wives. Sorry that sounds sexist, but generally speaking, it's true.

Women may do even better without husbands than they did with husbands. Again, sorry, generally speaking, that's true.

I have no advice except that if you meet just exactly the right person, you should take that opportunity when it presents itself (but take it slowly if it's less than a year and you have kids).

One of the happiest, long term couples that I know were married less than a year after the husband lost his wife. I didn't sense any disrespect for the previous relationship whatsoever. He met the 2nd love of his life and many years later, they are truly happy and in love.

[Anonymous]

As nan adult, my husband was very appreciative that his mother waited until the kids were grown up to openly date. He said the sudden death of his father was hard enough, and they probably all would have gone off the rails if a new romantic partner was on the scene.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try to wait one year, my uncle was remarried within 1 year , my mom was really pissed

Why does your mother feel entitled to even have an opinion about this, let alone be angry about it? What is her fundamental character flaw?

She was closest to this youngest sister, due to the large age gap, and she kind of helped raised her. My mom was sad but never expressed her feelings to the uncle.

And What is your problem ? You dating s a few days after ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you care at all about what is socially acceptable, wait a year.

If you start dating before a yr, people will talk and it is likely other family members will feel a little hurt. That matters to some people. If what others think doesn't really matter to you, then do what feels right. Do check in with your kids though-their opinion should matter, within reason.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think more importantly, it’s about what you think about your kids. If their reaction matters to you, talk to them and wait. If not, do what you want.

For minor kids, it's just common sense to wait. No matter what their verbal reaction is, they need time to be supported in their grief. The loss of a parent is worse than the loss of a spouse - a spouse you can replace; a parent you cannot. An adult can choose to cover up or end their grieving by rapidly getting remarried, but a child cannot. The remarriage then puts the child and new partner in an untenable situation of competing loyalties. On the flip side, any person who would go all-in in a super fast new relationship with a recent widower with minor kids doesn't really have their head screwed on straight, either. It's not a good sign of their ability to manage their emotions and relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad started dating 3 days after we buried my mom. He doesn't understand why his children found that troubling. The poor woman has been on the hook for 15 years, still hoping for a ring.

Then I hope you know that she was his mistress before your mother passed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try to wait one year, my uncle was remarried within 1 year , my mom was really pissed

None of your mom’s business.

[Anonymous]

I’ll be checking Tinder at the wake.

[Anonymous]

I would say - if you meet someone great organically, don’t hold yourself back. But maybe wait a year before doing stuff like online dating.

Also, just because op is dating doesn’t mean the kids lives have to be affected a lot by that at first. I date a divorced dad with teens and we are only slowly starting to have me there at family events etc. I’m fine with waiting to they go to college to get married and move in. There’s a big difference between dating and bringing home a stepdad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s up to you and no one else. If it feels like the right time it is regardless of others opinions.

Widower here. I was ready to date before the kids were ready for me to date. Don’t rush them.

+1000

There is no such thing as no one else when you have kids.

And this attitude is exactly why second marriages have such an abysmal success rate. People be warned - once you have children, you will RARELY have a successful second relationship. And if the new partner has kids too, expect double the trouble.

Even when those "kids" are in their 20s, 30s and 40s they may still want to have influence on your relationship decisions.

Maybe. My father started dating relatively soon after my mother died. I wouldn’t presume to express an opinion about that - I just want him to be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say - if you meet someone great organically, don’t hold yourself back. But maybe wait a year before doing stuff like online dating.

Also, just because op is dating doesn’t mean the kids lives have to be affected a lot by that at first. I date a divorced dad with teens and we are only slowly starting to have me there at family events etc. I’m fine with waiting to they go to college to get married and move in. There’s a big difference between dating and bringing home a stepdad.

Good luck with that. No matter how old a man's kids are, odds are one (or all) of them will have a problem with you. Including when they marry and have their own kids.

Unless the divorced mother of the kids is welcoming to you and encourages her kids to have a relationship with you, it won't ever be successful.

Maternal loyalty binds are life-long.