Dating after loss of spouse

[Anonymous]

You do what you want. You’re an adult and no one has the right to tell you what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try to wait one year, my uncle was remarried within 1 year , my mom was really pissed

My FIL was married within a year too. I was very surprised because he’d had a long happy marriage, but people do strange things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try to wait one year, my uncle was remarried within 1 year , my mom was really pissed

Why does your mother feel entitled to even have an opinion about this, let alone be angry about it? What is her fundamental character flaw?

Her mother felt sad and upset. She missed her sister. She was grieving. It is human nature. She doesn’t have a character flaw. You are so harsh and judge mental. Those are your character flaws.

[Anonymous]

Type : judgmental

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try to wait one year, my uncle was remarried within 1 year , my mom was really pissed

My FIL was married within a year too. I was very surprised because he’d had a long happy marriage, but people do strange things.

You have to realize men marry quickly b/c they loved and depended on their wives so much.

Kids have to realize that if they don’t date, it’s likely the widowers health will decline.

As for widows, men really don’t care; I’ve told my wife and kids I am happy and honestly hope she remarried if I die first. Kids know this, wife knows this. I’m gone and the most important thing in my life was my wife’s and my kids happiness — if someone can support them in my absence why would that bother me? We can all form a happy commune in heaven.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try to wait one year, my uncle was remarried within 1 year , my mom was really pissed

Why does your mother feel entitled to even have an opinion about this, let alone be angry about it? What is her fundamental character flaw?

Completely agree.

[Anonymous]

OP, there are many factors which could affect input. Without knowing those factors, you should take all advice with a grain of salt.

Generally speaking, a year is typical. It used to be that widows/widowers wore black (or black bands) for a year to identify themselves as such. IMO this custom had societal value as others could be sensitive to the individual's needs.

In any case, you have teenagers which will make introducing any new person very, very, very, very difficult. It probably won't go over well.

Your future relationships will be extremely difficult to maintain as few children (even into adulthood) are able to accept a parent's new partner after losing a parent. Even if it goes well at first, eventually cracks will begin to appear and loyalty binds will be stretched. It will take an extremely patient and forgiving partner to weather all that.

IMO, once you have children your relationships with another partner will always have significant challenges.

[Anonymous]

Wow, so many judgemental people in this thread who know what another person should do. When my spouse passed, the love of my life, I was with another partner 2 months later. We are still together years later and very happy. If I'd applied the "rules" that some of you wa t to impose on a grieving spouse, I'd have missed my opportunity for true happiness with this person. You can be happy with a new relationship and still grieve. If any of my family had a problem with that, and I've never heard anything but it's very possible, that's for them to deal with. Don't lay your judgemental BS on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do what you want. You’re an adult and no one has the right to tell you what to do.

Fundamentally this is true. But parents are parents for life, and their kids' opinions will always weigh significantly whether they are 8, 18 or 38.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, so many judgemental people in this thread who know what another person should do. When my spouse passed, the love of my life, I was with another partner 2 months later. We are still together years later and very happy. If I'd applied the "rules" that some of you wa t to impose on a grieving spouse, I'd have missed my opportunity for true happiness with this person. You can be happy with a new relationship and still grieve. If any of my family had a problem with that, and I've never heard anything but it's very possible, that's for them to deal with. Don't lay your judgemental BS on me.

It is always dependent on the details. I agree that an adult should be free to move on when they are ready. In some cases, like the elderly with dementia, the spouse has emotionally moved on years before their partner dies.

In your case, you were strong enough to stand up to your family - did that include your children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try to wait one year, my uncle was remarried within 1 year , my mom was really pissed

My FIL was married within a year too. I was very surprised because he’d had a long happy marriage, but people do strange things.

You have to realize men marry quickly b/c they loved and depended on their wives so much.

Kids have to realize that if they don’t date, it’s likely the widowers health will decline.

As for widows, men really don’t care; I’ve told my wife and kids I am happy and honestly hope she remarried if I die first. Kids know this, wife knows this. I’m gone and the most important thing in my life was my wife’s and my kids happiness — if someone can support them in my absence why would that bother me? We can all form a happy commune in heaven.

Grief is a process that takes time to get through. The idea of a parent dating can be difficult for any teenager to accept, but it’s even harder when they’re still raw from dealing with the other parent’s recent death. It’s not about the dead person’s feelings, it’s about the feelings of the living people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s up to you and no one else. If it feels like the right time it is regardless of others opinions.

Widower here. I was ready to date before the kids were ready for me to date. Don’t rush them.

+1000

There is no such thing as no one else when you have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try to wait one year, my uncle was remarried within 1 year , my mom was really pissed

My FIL was married within a year too. I was very surprised because he’d had a long happy marriage, but people do strange things.

You have to realize men marry quickly b/c they loved and depended on their wives so much.

Kids have to realize that if they don’t date, it’s likely the widowers health will decline.

As for widows, men really don’t care; I’ve told my wife and kids I am happy and honestly hope she remarried if I die first. Kids know this, wife knows this. I’m gone and the most important thing in my life was my wife’s and my kids happiness — if someone can support them in my absence why would that bother me? We can all form a happy commune in heaven.

None of this is true in practice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s up to you and no one else. If it feels like the right time it is regardless of others opinions.

Widower here. I was ready to date before the kids were ready for me to date. Don’t rush them.

+1000

There is no such thing as no one else when you have kids.

And this attitude is exactly why second marriages have such an abysmal success rate. People be warned - once you have children, you will RARELY have a successful second relationship. And if the new partner has kids too, expect double the trouble.

Even when those "kids" are in their 20s, 30s and 40s they may still want to have influence on your relationship decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Try to wait one year, my uncle was remarried within 1 year , my mom was really pissed

My FIL was married within a year too. I was very surprised because he’d had a long happy marriage, but people do strange things.

You have to realize men marry quickly b/c they loved and depended on their wives so much.

Kids have to realize that if they don’t date, it’s likely the widowers health will decline.

As for widows, men really don’t care; I’ve told my wife and kids I am happy and honestly hope she remarried if I die first. Kids know this, wife knows this. I’m gone and the most important thing in my life was my wife’s and my kids happiness — if someone can support them in my absence why would that bother me? We can all form a happy commune in heaven.

Grief is a process that takes time to get through. The idea of a parent dating can be difficult for any teenager to accept, but it’s even harder when they’re still raw from dealing with the other parent’s recent death. It’s not about the dead person’s feelings, it’s about the feelings of the living people.

I was in this position as a teen - father dating immediately and engaged within six months. it was extremely disorienting and painful, and he made a bad choice of stepmother for us. Kids should be given at least a year to grieve with their parents undivided support.