Advice about 70 yo father

[Anonymous]

NP here and I agree with another PP that it might be increase in needing bathroom trips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does not sound like a realistic or practical trip for your mom. I assume that’s what his reasoning is but maybe doesn’t want to say so and then argue about whether he’s right or not.

OP here.

As I mentioned in my response above, my mother is not the issue. I'd forgotten how people imagine wheelchair-type issues when physical handicaps are mentioned, sorry for not clarifying. My father mentioned:
1. Crowds - the hiking trails are NEVER crowded in National Parks, just the viewpoints and scenic roads, and I am a pro at avoiding those by going early or late to the most congested areas. He knows that, we've done that kind of thing before.
2. Bad food - this is a new thing. He's gotten really picky about food these days, and he's lost weight. My mother and I don't know what to make of his new-found food pickiness. Some of if is healthy (he prefers low salt, low fat), some of it is weird (he refuses whole grain carbs and crunchy foods).

Look Op, my DH is 70 and quite simply, he doesn’t enjoy being around children for long periods of time, even his grandchildren. As for low sodium, he may not be on meds but I’m sure he has been counseled about blood pressure. You sound exhausting.

+1 My Dad is 69, very active and he adores his grandchildren. But, a full week in hotels, restaurants and a national park with my crew would drive him crazy.

[Anonymous]

My mom, 72, didn't want to go to Florida this year with my young adult kids and me. Everyone told her she should go, that just the fact that her grand-kids are going with grandma was awesome and that most people would love to go. My mom loves traveling usually! I mean she came alone from Europe. She went on safaris with me! So she went, we convinced her and she was so nasty and difficult and put on a sweater and a scarf over her head in the car! Car was too cold, Florida was too hot. Like Jackie O wanna be, she complained the whole week! The pool was too small at the house! My dd used her bathroom that was only hers in the master bedroom! I bought food, but we didn't have a full board! Like this is 1960 and we were in the Catskills! The very first night I went and got a bottle of Irish Whiskey! And I never drink! Trust me OP, take your dad's word for it that he doesn't want to go. Don't be me! Sure, it sounds funny now, but it was not funny when I was on the beach all day long with my mom! And hey, I can't even blame her, we convinced her to go!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is normal and I think your father's decision about Yellowstone is very reasonable. I can't see how that would not involve a lot of walking, and it sounds that he would have to take care of your mom, which he probably does a lot as it is. This is not anxiety, imo, it is being realistic and I honestly don't think your idea of him and your handicapped mom joining you was realistic at all. How much does he take care of your mom daily?

OP here.

They have their little place in the mountains they go to every summer, and they hike the trails!
My mother's physical handicap is in her hands, not her legs, so she can walk, but needs help with certain aspects of self-care and feeding and she has a strong preference for my father doing those things.
The thing is, their summer place is part of their routine, so apparently my father has no objection to packing up the car, driving there, and spending every day walking about.
We've done road trips in the past to other National Parks, which he absolutely loved, and he talk about doing more last year. They live far away from us so it's a nice way to meet up.

This current issue seems to have developed this year.

Why can't he just not feel like going?
Maybe your mom needs to learn to travel without him. Can you or someone else help her?

+1

OP, you identify your dad as the "problem," but go on to say that your mom has a "strong preference" for your dad to be the person to help her with self-care and feeding.

As the spouse of a disabled person, I can assure you that traveling with a physically handicapped person is *work*. It is not relaxing at all and IME, not really a vacation (in the sense that vacations are vacations with fully-capable people).

Leave it be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm only 44, but I am quickly losing my tolerance for uncomfortable "vacations" with family. I fully admit to being pickier about food, scheduling (mostly being on time for planes & trains), and sleeping accommodations than most people, but that's not the issue.

The issue is when my relatives push back/criticize/mock my preferences, despite the fact that I'm not impacting them in any way. Or refuse to accommodate my reasonable requests (like the time I want to leave for the airport, for no discernable reason other that to disagree with me.) Or randomly change things we have already agreed on (like adding more guests to the shared house or changing the room we are sleeping in) in a way that impacts my plan. Or outright lying about accommodations (claiming they have an airbed when they actually don't - "you can just sleep on this beanbag chair!") Or mocking/criticizing my food choices (e.g., I bought a dozen eggs because having protein in the AM is really important to me, and get tons of questions about that apparently bizarre thing to do.)

Hopefully OP is not like my relatives, but she may want to think about what happened on the last family vacation. If she disrespected or refused to accommodate something her dad wanted, then that may be at the root of it. If she asks her dad if there is anything she can do to make the trip easier in terms of food and sleeping arrangements, maybe he will tell her.

I totally get you! My sister and SIl are like your family! I am a bit older than you. If we are too be at an airport 2 hours ahead, and I want to leave on time, and imo, even late, I am mocked and told that we will be fine if we leave an hour before the flight! And I think sister does it just to pi** me off and mock me. But, I have to listen to her complaining about "who could have known there would be traffic or TSA lines!" I lived and traveled my whole life, on 3 continents! And never missed a fligth, yet she has and even forgot her passport!
The egg thing is a bit weird though, with my sister if she books accommodations I have confidence and let her because she is an utter snob!

I feel ya. The last time I depended on my brother to get me to the train station, his concept of arriving "on time" was to pull up literally the minute the train was scheduled to depart ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here.

Wow.
Please stop impugning my relationship with my father, or imagining that I'm a pushy shrew or something!

We actually have a great relationship. We never criticize each other (can't say the same thing for other relatives!), and up until now always wanted to visit the same places.

And when my kids were little, they were very accommodating. We traveled with them everywhere with extended family, and never had any trouble. As tweens and teens, they still want to do the same things we've always done (ie, nature vacations), which is a relief.

Please understand that I am concerned for my father. I hear you about the idea that it may not be mental decline, but perhaps that new large trips get overwhelming for someone of his years and that's just how it is. I'm still going to keep tabs on his behavior via my mother, because I know that my aunts and uncles, all older than my father, and my friends' parents, take frequent international trips, with or without limitations and care issues. So, it's perfectly possible to do so when one is 70 or 80.

I think this is somewhat common, especially in older men. I don't know if it stems from a loss of the control they once had, being more comfortable with routine, or what. I see this a little bit in my father, although he now tends to get really sick with a cold when he travels, so I understand.

Have you talked to him directly and let him know you've seen this change? If he can open up to what the real issue is, you might have a better chance of reassuring him. But he also might dig in with the crowds and bad food excuses.

[Anonymous]

My therapist says her elderly patients won't move their appts to accommodate working people who have to switch. Their reason is "I eat my sandwich at 11:30", for example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My therapist says her elderly patients won't move their appts to accommodate working people who have to switch. Their reason is "I eat my sandwich at 11:30", for example.

Yes, you posted this hearsay example once before. Got it.

[Anonymous]

Let them mull it over. You can’t force it. Accept his decision.

[Anonymous]

I think as people age, it’s normal to feel more vulnerable out of the comfort zone. If your dad is retired, he’s even more bound to his routines at home, and that might give him a sense of safety and security.