Advice about 70 yo father
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Anonymous
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My father is 70 and in good physical health. He has no diagnoses of any kind, does not take meds, and has a little conditioning routine and walk every day.
I had noticed an unwillingness to try new things, or do spontaneous activities (everything needs to be planned and thought about) for several years now, but it all came to a head today when he refused to join us on a Yellowstone trip. He loves hiking and nature, used to love to travel, and I find it shocking that he would decline, despite a carefully-laid out itinerary, comfortable accommodations, no driving (I drive), and the lure of beautiful walks and scenery. My mother, who is physically handicapped, but loves nature and traveling too, was quite disappointed. She does not travel without him. She remarked that these days it's tough getting him out of his routine to do activities around their town. He just has little daily walk and is willing to go shopping at his usual places, but that's it. What is this? Anxiety, but due to what? His father had some sort of dementia in his last years of his life, due to mini-strokes. Could it be same thing? Please help me understand this change. |
Anonymous
| This is normal and I think your father's decision about Yellowstone is very reasonable. I can't see how that would not involve a lot of walking, and it sounds that he would have to take care of your mom, which he probably does a lot as it is. This is not anxiety, imo, it is being realistic and I honestly don't think your idea of him and your handicapped mom joining you was realistic at all. How much does he take care of your mom daily? |
Anonymous
| I know you said he was in good physical health so maybe this does not apply, but sometimes at that age people can't be far away from a bathroom for too long. Sometimes staying home is the easiest way to control the environment. |
Anonymous
OP here. They have their little place in the mountains they go to every summer, and they hike the trails! My mother's physical handicap is in her hands, not her legs, so she can walk, but needs help with certain aspects of self-care and feeding and she has a strong preference for my father doing those things. The thing is, their summer place is part of their routine, so apparently my father has no objection to packing up the car, driving there, and spending every day walking about. We've done road trips in the past to other National Parks, which he absolutely loved, and he talk about doing more last year. They live far away from us so it's a nice way to meet up. This current issue seems to have developed this year. |
Anonymous
| This does not sound like a realistic or practical trip for your mom. I assume that’s what his reasoning is but maybe doesn’t want to say so and then argue about whether he’s right or not. |
Anonymous
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Could it be depression? You mentioned that your mother is handicapped and won’t travel without him. Being the primary caregiver for a spouse with health or mobility issues is HARD. Maybe he’s feeling the strain.
I’m a caregiver for an elderly parent who still likes to get out and go places, but who doesn’t realize the work involved. I’ve never had depression before, but caregiving has rocked my world and I’m starting to recognize that I might need to prioritize my own self-care. |
Anonymous
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Let them be and have their life and routines. He may not want to feed her in public in restaurants out of respect for your mother.
Being the primary caregiver for your mother who does not have the use of her hands has got to be hard...think dressing, bathing, cooking, feeding etc. They are comfortable in their two living environments. Respect his decision. Visit them in their locale. Travel is exhausting even if you have no health issues. |
Anonymous
| Meet them at their locales. Honestly what your are proposing sounds exhausting for a couple with limitations. |
Anonymous
Why can't he just not feel like going? Maybe your mom needs to learn to travel without him. Can you or someone else help her? |
Anonymous
OP here. As I mentioned in my response above, my mother is not the issue. I'd forgotten how people imagine wheelchair-type issues when physical handicaps are mentioned, sorry for not clarifying. My father mentioned: 1. Crowds - the hiking trails are NEVER crowded in National Parks, just the viewpoints and scenic roads, and I am a pro at avoiding those by going early or late to the most congested areas. He knows that, we've done that kind of thing before. 2. Bad food - this is a new thing. He's gotten really picky about food these days, and he's lost weight. My mother and I don't know what to make of his new-found food pickiness. Some of if is healthy (he prefers low salt, low fat), some of it is weird (he refuses whole grain carbs and crunchy foods). |
Anonymous
| Consider taking Mom solo, you do the care and give Dad a break. He would probably welcome the break. |
Anonymous
He's been helping with her fork and knife in restaurants for decades, they've had to move past those kinds of issues 
What concerns me is that I am tying this new found refusal to do new things to some kind of mental decline. That plus my mother is very disappointed because she loves to travel. I would love to bring her with me, but she doesn't want to be separated from my father. She has always been an anxious sort of person, and relies on my father's presence (even when she doesn't need his help at all!), so if he's in decline, they're going to be a complete mess together... |
Anonymous
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Fly to pick up Mom and you bring Mom on the trip and do the care. Give Dad a break. It sounds like Dad is doing the driving, cleaning, cooking, feeding, and dressing and bathing which would be a lot for any man.
If Dad is Mom's full time caregiver he probably needs a break. Many seniors lose the ability to digest crunchy things and whole grain carbs as they age. This is probably a gastro issue that is common with aging. |
Anonymous
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I see this a bit in my own similarly aged parents and I DO think it's anxiety. My parents are long-time anxiety sufferers and sometimes it manifests itself in peculiar ways. My mother has talked about traveling to Europe forever and now won't pull the trigger. She's afraid that they won't have anything she'll eat. Think about that...she's afraid they won't have anything that she'll eat on an entire continent. She's only now reconsidering it after I showed her on Google maps that there's at least one TGIFriday's in nearly every European city.
I deal with these things by removing as many of the unknowns as possible. It sounds like you're mitigating as best as you can, but maybe it's still too much. |
Anonymous
Has he had a physical lately? Is his pickiness related to gastrointestinal problems? |