Advice about 70 yo father

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here.

Wow.
Please stop impugning my relationship with my father, or imagining that I'm a pushy shrew or something!

We actually have a great relationship. We never criticize each other (can't say the same thing for other relatives!), and up until now always wanted to visit the same places.

And when my kids were little, they were very accommodating. We traveled with them everywhere with extended family, and never had any trouble. As tweens and teens, they still want to do the same things we've always done (ie, nature vacations), which is a relief.

Please understand that I am concerned for my father. I hear you about the idea that it may not be mental decline, but perhaps that new large trips get overwhelming for someone of his years and that's just how it is. I'm still going to keep tabs on his behavior via my mother, because I know that my aunts and uncles, all older than my father, and my friends' parents, take frequent international trips, with or without limitations and care issues. So, it's perfectly possible to do so when one is 70 or 80.

In other words... you did not hear a word we wrote. Yes, it is perfectly possible, but your dad is not your friends' parent.

[Anonymous]

70 is young, he does not want to go, respect this.

[Anonymous]

Here is something I learned that can be useful to everyone. Hearing people and truly listening is a skill many of us lack. It would improve all of our relationships. Instead of hearing what people are saying/writing you are not really listening, you are coming with a retort in your head right away. This is a common reason for misunderstandings. Example here, instead of hearing her dad, OP has come up with reasons why he should go. So did her mom. So, stop and really listen to your dad, and even to dcum pps, then take a few minutes to mull it over, see his/her point of view. Don't think at all of what you can say to counter his/her argument. Take even a few hours, and ask your dad why he is uncomfortable. Listen to him. What people do is not listen and try to convince people why their way, their idea is the right way to do or go about things. Many conflicts in life could easily be solved if people were willing to hear, truly hear what people are saying to them. You don't have to understand their perspective, just accept it as valid.

[Anonymous]

I don't know what is going on with your father, OP, but as someone who has suffered from anxiety my whole life, I've noticed that some people are anxious and hide it. It's entirely possible your dad has been anxious all along and just kept it from you and now that he's older it's manifesting itself. Sorry that you're going through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, he is probably burned out from caretaking for your mom.

This. Respect his wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your mom needs his help with all these things plus she can't be away from him, he's honestly probably stressed from caretaking. It's not a peaceful vacation for him.

This. He is probably happy in his routine.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you have Mom's side of the story and Mom's side of the story honestly sounds like it is about complaints.

Have you listened to Dad's side of the story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, he is probably burned out from caretaking for your mom.

This. Respect his wishes.

Yep, your mom sounds demanding.

[Anonymous]

Could you convince him to see a neurologist? They could do some testing so you have a baseline. My dad's scan revealed mini strokes and tests performed by a neuro psychologist revealed other issues. My dad's a Phd and very well read, follows current events, etc. and I think sometimes he can fool doctors into thinking he's more capable than he really is. Is it possible your dad knows he has some deficits and he's trying to hide them? Maybe he's afraid he and your mom would slow you down and you wouldn't enjoy your trip.

[Anonymous]

OP, on behalf of all the nasty people here I apologize. YOU know your dad best and if you think something is amiss, it probably is, and better to deal with sooner rather than later when there is a full on crisis.

70 is quite young (my parents still qent white water rafting at that age!). If there is a way during a pleasant conversation to say something along the lines of, "dad, I've noticed some changes in your personality lately, and I am wondering if you see that too? For example.... I wonder if this is a normal part of aging, or if something might be going on? Have you thought about discussing this with your doctor?" At least start the conversation! If you have medical POA, you can contact the doc and mention your concerns BEFORE your dad gets seen.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the idea of a big family vacation just doesn't appeal to him. He likes to go to his cabin where it is nice and quiet. Going away for a week with a bunch of people can be exhausting. My parents are in their late 60's and very active but I know that a big family trip to a national park would not be high on their list. My 3 kids are very young and that might be part of it! If it was just me and my husband they's likely go.

[Anonymous]

OP I'd have a heart to heart with your mom. 70 is young! It's likely your Dad will be alive until 2035 (15 years!!-probably longer!): that's too soon to drop out. Can you reframe discussion that you want to have time with her despite your father's refusals. Your kids would enjoy memories with her and the adventures will enliven her days. I guess I'm older than you. My parents spent half the year in Europe from just before they retired at 65-ish until nearly 90. My mom had a lot of issues w/arthritis and my Dad's eyesight wasn't great but until mom couldn't manage the flights they were off on a new adventure every year. And this wasn't luxury travel as they'd stay with friends, finally buying their own place. I compared them to my ILs who were very routine oriented, making cutting the lawn a whole day event, shopping and putting groceries another. I hope my world stays open for a long time and I plan on modeling myself on the example of living large. I've warned my DH if he starts getting into a rut like his parents I'll just double up on my travels and use his funds instead.

[Anonymous]

OP,
Serious question: is it ok if your dad doesn’t want to do this trip for any reason other than dementia?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,
Serious question: is it ok if your dad doesn’t want to do this trip for any reason other than dementia?

Exactly! Why is it a sign of dementia to think a trip to Yellowstone is too much? Here we have so many younger people with kids who think that going to ILS's house for dinner is too much trouble!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This does not sound like a realistic or practical trip for your mom. I assume that’s what his reasoning is but maybe doesn’t want to say so and then argue about whether he’s right or not.

OP here.

As I mentioned in my response above, my mother is not the issue. I'd forgotten how people imagine wheelchair-type issues when physical handicaps are mentioned, sorry for not clarifying. My father mentioned:
1. Crowds - the hiking trails are NEVER crowded in National Parks, just the viewpoints and scenic roads, and I am a pro at avoiding those by going early or late to the most congested areas. He knows that, we've done that kind of thing before.
2. Bad food - this is a new thing. He's gotten really picky about food these days, and he's lost weight. My mother and I don't know what to make of his new-found food pickiness. Some of if is healthy (he prefers low salt, low fat), some of it is weird (he refuses whole grain carbs and crunchy foods).

Look Op, my DH is 70 and quite simply, he doesn’t enjoy being around children for long periods of time, even his grandchildren. As for low sodium, he may not be on meds but I’m sure he has been counseled about blood pressure. You sound exhausting.