How to support friend whose DH ran off with a 20-something

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry your kind and practical question has been hijacked by the posts about why men supposedly do this. That same poster or handful of posters comes to spew their projections of their own "sexless marriage" frustrations all over threads that aren't about that. Ignore them.

To answer what you actually asked: Be a sympathetic ear but also proactively invite her to do things--exercise is great, as one PP noticed. Movies and/or plays that are comical and NOT about romances or breakups etc. Get her out to a theater--don't let her hibernate at home with DVDs. If she likes something like crafts, find a craft show to attend, or if she's into a sport, go with her to a sporting event. Museum exhibits etc.

Things where she can focus on what she's seeing in front of her and can be distracted momentarily and "feel normal." Things where afterward you both can discuss the activity, if she isn't up to discussing her marriage.

When my friend's ex left, she wanted times when she was not thinking about it all -- times when she was being treated just as a friend by her friends and not as "poor 'Sally' who must be so sad." People betrayed like this can feel they're seen only as The Victim and not as a person separate from the fact of the betrayal.

You're a good friend to want to be there for her, OP.

[Anonymous]

buy her a cat.

pets have been shown to help emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just found out today from her and pretty shocked. Didn't detect any problems in the marriage and she states there weren't any.
Kids are in college. She's self-employed and makes a tiny fraction of what he makes.
We're not that close but she's a really sweet person and I'm wondering what would be helpful if you've BTDT.

You really can't help a woman who is that clueless, or in such deep denial about the problems in her marriage. The best you both can do is to blame it all on the bad man who traded her in for a younger model. She is a blameless saint and he is 100% evil. She was a perfect wife in every way right up until the say he dropped that bomb on her. Keep it to those lines that are so familiar to women and she will be OK. Don't try to force her to face reality. She is too gone.

Hate to tell you. Many if not most times, what you stated is probably the case. Sometimes men and women really do keep up a facade until the very end. Sometimes, people are blindsided and there really weren't clues. Be happy you have never endured a marriage with someone who is a complete fraud. It happens. But people are arrogant to think it could never happen to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably complained about a lack his of sex for years, she ignored his pleas and made no effort to change, he finally lost interest and quit complaining, which led her to interpret the marriage as a good one since they didn’t fight, while all the while he was planning his exit once the kids were out of the house.

Still, IRL tough to find a twenty-something who is a hottie willing to go with an older guy unless he’s a really big deal.

Doubt he’s nearly as big of a deal as he thinks. Good riddance to someone who thinks it is okay to be with someone with huge daddy issues, because that is all that is happening here. He did your friend a favor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably complained about a lack his of sex for years, she ignored his pleas and made no effort to change, he finally lost interest and quit complaining, which led her to interpret the marriage as a good one since they didn’t fight, while all the while he was planning his exit once the kids were out of the house.

Please go somewhere and get laid because you keep replaying this same scenario on every post. It's tired.

LOL

[Anonymous]

It happened today and you've already talked to her. Her kids are probably home for college break. Let her process this with the kids. Contact her on NYE morning and ask if she like company or brunch New Year's day.

She's in shock right now. Don't be surprised if she withdraws for a while. Give her space without completely abandoning effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did he snag a woman in her 20s? How old is he? It likely won’t last.

I know a guy in his 50s who got two hot mid-20s women pregnant within a couple of months. Then he had to leave his wife (who was his age) and decide which mid-20s woman to move in with. He is very tall, good-looking, and well-off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably complained about a lack his of sex for years, she ignored his pleas and made no effort to change, he finally lost interest and quit complaining, which led her to interpret the marriage as a good one since they didn’t fight, while all the while he was planning his exit once the kids were out of the house.

Please go somewhere and get laid because you keep replaying this same scenario on every post. It's tired.

Sorry to inform you but there are lots of different posters just like this. Why? Because it really IS a common scenario, and quite likely explains the OP.
You being tired of hearing this means nothing. I’m tired of hearing about beltway traffic. And yet, there it is again: beltway traffic.

Sorry to inform you but "it's tired" means it's been run in the ground and your point is moot. Totally different from "I'm tired," but okay.

No, it is not tired, or run into the ground, or moot. Rather, it’s the #1 most common reason for a married man cheating. So don’t be alarmed when you see this on EVERY cheating husband thread. Because it belongs here as a very likely explanation.

Not true. There’s way more stories about husbands cheating on good wives with decent sex lives.

Most cheating husbands of good wives with good sex lives are jerks who cheat for sex. They don’t leave their wives but sometimes their wives leave them if they get caught cheating.

Men who leave their wives for other women have gripes with the marriage. They feel unappreciated and yes most likely also undersexed. OR they never really loved their wife to begin with but when that os the case the marriage usually breaks up during the tough years when kids are small.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably complained about a lack his of sex for years, she ignored his pleas and made no effort to change, he finally lost interest and quit complaining, which led her to interpret the marriage as a good one since they didn’t fight, while all the while he was planning his exit once the kids were out of the house.

Still, IRL tough to find a twenty-something who is a hottie willing to go with an older guy unless he’s a really big deal.

Finding a 20 something with daddy issues or that wants attention (ever seen this thing called Instagram?) is like shooting fish in a barrel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He probably complained about a lack his of sex for years, she ignored his pleas and made no effort to change, he finally lost interest and quit complaining, which led her to interpret the marriage as a good one since they didn’t fight, while all the while he was planning his exit once the kids were out of the house.

Still, IRL tough to find a twenty-something who is a hottie willing to go with an older guy unless he’s a really big deal.

Who said she was hot.

For some older men, young = hot. Kinda like how for some men of certain ethnicities, white = beautiful. They are working out their own issues. It is neither a true compliment to the women they pursue or a true insult to the women they reject. My friend’s early ES kids came home from a visit with Daddy and his new gf to report that she looked like the villainess in Disney’s tangled. Their mom told them that was not true and not nice. Turns out she was half right. The gf was painfully scrawny and her face was frightening, but she was 24 and white. That’s all that mattered to him. He treated her like a princess, paid for her teeth to be fixed, and eighteen months later, she left him for a NFL player.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did he snag a woman in her 20s? How old is he? It likely won’t last.

I know a guy in his 50s who got two hot mid-20s women pregnant within a couple of months. Then he had to leave his wife (who was his age) and decide which mid-20s woman to move in with. He is very tall, good-looking, and well-off.

He’s also dumb as hell and is probably not very well-off if he didn’t prioritize protecting family assets against CS since he got two women pregnant outside of marriage. That’s an incredibly stupid financial decision.

[Anonymous]

He will get bored with the vapid little slut after the thrill of banging her is over. And, when he comes crawling back, your friend should tell him to go to hell.

[Anonymous]

All the above suggestions are too wish’s washy. What did her husband used to do? Can you offer to: take her car in for an oil change?, rake the leaves?, shovel the snow? Pick something up while you’re at Home Depot?, change the windshield wipers?, clean out her gutters?, fix the WiFi in her house?, help with weeding?, what thing she is she now going to have to do that’s her husband used to take care of? Help that is concrete is much more helpful than broad offers of aide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He will get bored with the vapid little slut after the thrill of banging her is over. And, when he comes crawling back, your friend should tell him to go to hell.

Wishful thinking. She’s probably a grad student free of baggage and filled with kindness and wonderment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He will get bored with the vapid little slut after the thrill of banging her is over. And, when he comes crawling back, your friend should tell him to go to hell.

Wishful thinking. She’s probably a grad student free of baggage and filled with kindness and wonderment.

I’m sure she’s a real prize.