How to support friend whose DH ran off with a 20-something

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just found out today from her and pretty shocked. Didn't detect any problems in the marriage and she states there weren't any.
Kids are in college. She's self-employed and makes a tiny fraction of what he makes.
We're not that close but she's a really sweet person and I'm wondering what would be helpful if you've BTDT.

You really can't help a woman who is that clueless, or in such deep denial about the problems in her marriage. The best you both can do is to blame it all on the bad man who traded her in for a younger model. She is a blameless saint and he is 100% evil. She was a perfect wife in every way right up until the say he dropped that bomb on her. Keep it to those lines that are so familiar to women and she will be OK. Don't try to force her to face reality. She is too gone.

Hate to tell you. Many if not most times, what you stated is probably the case. Sometimes men and women really do keep up a facade until the very end. Sometimes, people are blindsided and there really weren't clues. Be happy you have never endured a marriage with someone who is a complete fraud. It happens. But people are arrogant to think it could never happen to them.

This.

Be kind to her. Believe her when she says she was blind-sided/no marital problems. Continue to keep her in your social circle in whatever way she was previously. There will be people who stop including her because they think she is responsible in some way, because they don't socialize with singles and/or because they view single women as a threat in the social environment.

Be open to hearing her story without judgment.

Divorce was hard enough, but harder still was the loss of the social circle that goes along with it. Some of our mutual professional friends chose him, which negatively affected me professionally. Some of our mutual friends I let go of because I needed him to have some support for the sake of the kids. Some people I thought were friends dropped me because of their preconceptualizatons about divorce. Some friends I lost because I couldn't be honest about the reasons for divorce (wildly inappropriate multiple infidelities, serious mental health issues and substance abuse).