how to stop blaming parents for shortcomings in life?

[Anonymous]

My mother's parents have been dead for almost 30 years. She still blames them for EVERYTHING.

OP, that you recognize the issue and how it's not helping you is a great first step. Therapy and some konmari of feelings will help.

Literally, saying to myself, "You know, I am imperfect and my parents are probably at the root of some of it, but the anger is really hurting me, not helping me. I thank you, anger, for your service and now I am throwing you away."

[Anonymous]

You are 28 which is still young. It's ok to be sad and angry as you start to have clarity about your own childhood.

I truly believe that most people make the best choices they can at the time. Which is to say, OP, it's worth trying to look at your parents' own histories to understand why they did what they did. It doesn't excuse them, but it does help pop the bubble of power you are giving them. Once you can at least see them in context, you are on the road to forgiving -- at least in part -- some of their actions.

You might not be ready for this - you might be still too angry. That's ok. But some therapy with the goal of understanding everything and working to correct the stuff that is hurting you on a daily basis will help. Once you have that down, you can start to make peace with your past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The statute of limitations has expired on your childhood trauma. You have to fix your own crap. Lots of people grew up with worse - that’s not to minimize your pain, but to give you some perspective. Your parents did the best they could. Hurt people hurt people. Get therapy or do what you need to do and get on with your life.

Lots of people had much, much worse actually

And genetics play a part OP. If your parents were quirky at best and dysfunctional there is a gentic basis that is part of your make up as well. That you seem focused on blaming your parents at this point in your life is more a reflection on your inadequacies that you probably inheirited.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have contact with your parents now? It might be some of these things still happen and you are resentful. Creating boundaries might empower you and learn these feelings.

[Anonymous]

Lessen, not learn

[Anonymous]

Therapy and learning to accept that parents are just random jerks who happened to reproduce. Nothing special about your parents that qualified them to be your parents. I'm sure they did the best they could at the time.

Maybe they were hard on you because they thought that was best for you. The dog didn't have to grow up, get a job, pay bills, etc.

[Anonymous]

The first step
To change is validation of your current feelings.
Op, your mom traumatized you and you have every right to blame her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The first step
To change is validation of your current feelings.
Op, your mom traumatized you and you have every right to blame her!

Blaming her doesn't going to help. Trying to understand why she acted this way and to forgive her will help you to move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The first step
To change is validation of your current feelings.
Op, your mom traumatized you and you have every right to blame her!

Blaming her doesn't going to help. Trying to understand why she acted this way and to forgive her will help you to move forward.

What you list are next steps.
First, the OP had to let out the anger, sadness, and yes, blame that she has for her parents. Only after that can true understanding begin. Then maybe forgiveness but maybe not.
Jumping to “understanding” without exploring the pain and anger is just suppression, and won’t help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The first step
To change is validation of your current feelings.
Op, your mom traumatized you and you have every right to blame her!

Blaming her doesn't going to help. Trying to understand why she acted this way and to forgive her will help you to move forward.

What you list are next steps.
First, the OP had to let out the anger, sadness, and yes, blame that she has for her parents. Only after that can true understanding begin. Then maybe forgiveness but maybe not.
Jumping to “understanding” without exploring the pain and anger is just suppression, and won’t help.

Sounds like she has been exploring those feelings for a long time already but hasn't moved on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, sounds like you were emotionally neglected and maybe there were attachment issues as an infant. Please see a therapist who specializes in this. This goes beyond trauma, because the way we are treated as very young children creates the blueprint for how we socialize in adulthood and how we handle and express emotions. I am very sorry this was your experience. But it is n the past, and you cannot change who your parents are or what happened. A good therapist can help you start seeing and work through unhealthy patterns.

OP, was your mom mildly autistic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The first step
To change is validation of your current feelings.
Op, your mom traumatized you and you have every right to blame her!

Blaming her doesn't going to help. Trying to understand why she acted this way and to forgive her will help you to move forward.

What you list are next steps.
First, the OP had to let out the anger, sadness, and yes, blame that she has for her parents. Only after that can true understanding begin. Then maybe forgiveness but maybe not.
Jumping to “understanding” without exploring the pain and anger is just suppression, and won’t help.

Sounds like she has been exploring those feelings for a long time already but hasn't moved on.

Proper exploration doesn’t get you stuck. The fact she is stuck means she does not explore them properly. If she in therapy her therapist sucks,
Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it. Read some stories of people who have suffered and endured truly traumatic events and find inspiration in their hope for the future. Sometimes you just need to put your situation in perspective to understand how to not internalize it. I’m not suggesting it’s easy but a therapist can help. Look for someone that focuses on dialectical behavior therapy.

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