how to stop blaming parents for shortcomings in life?

[Anonymous]

Ask yourself this, “Do you want to be a victim for the rest of your life?” You are now an adult and must take responsibility for yourself. You now have the freedom to change the things you don’t like. Think about how you want to spend your time between now and dead. Do you want to sit around moping about how horrible your parents were and because of them life sucks? Or do you want to make things great for yourself. That was only the first 18 years of what will hopefully be a long and fruitful life. You must move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just can't get passed the 'I hated the dog because my mom hugged the dog." I can't take anything at face value from op after reading this.

You’re a shallow person, pp.

I have to agree that is kind of a ridiculous statement

[Anonymous]

OP, please ignore the unhelpful responses. Please seek out a therapist who specializes in mother-daughter relationships. You’d be surprised at how many there are out there. I am a Gen X daughter of a much older, critical, passive-aggressive Greatest Generation mother and therapy has done wonders for me. I’ve had long-standing difficulty trusting women as friends and valuable colleagues.
Oh, and agreed, reading about individuals who have triumphed in the face of unimaginable challenges has helped. Perspective really helps.

Stephen Trachtenberg,

[Anonymous]

Your parents are responsible for your crappy childhood.

You are responsible for your crappy adulthood.

[Anonymous]

OP, please ignore the unhelpful responses. Please seek out a therapist who specializes in mother-daughter relationships. You’d be surprised at how many there are out there. I am a Gen X daughter of a much older, critical, passive-aggressive Greatest Generation mother and therapy has done wonders for me. I’ve had long-standing difficulty trusting women as friends and valuable colleagues.
Oh, and agreed, reading about individuals who have triumphed in the face of unimaginable challenges has helped. Perspective really helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just can't get passed the 'I hated the dog because my mom hugged the dog." I can't take anything at face value from op after reading this.

You’re a shallow person, pp.

I have to agree that is kind of a ridiculous statement

The way I interpret the statement is that it would be almost easier to see her mom as just an emotionally unavailable person, incapable of love. But she sees her mother is indeed capable of being warm and affectionate but she's withholding this from her child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad is 5'5 my mom is 5'0''. I'm a guy and I'm 5'6''. I resent them for being short. Other than that, there's not much for me to blame.

Omg hi son!

We are short, but have provide a great family life for you. Dump your short girlfriend if this is so important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Find a good therapist.

Agree. Books can get you started but a therapist will steer you objectively. It will be worth it.

mists therapists are as wacky as their cliants. I’ve never met one I’d be willing to take advice from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just can't get passed the 'I hated the dog because my mom hugged the dog." I can't take anything at face value from op after reading this.

You’re a shallow person, pp.

I have to agree that is kind of a ridiculous statement

The way I interpret the statement is that it would be almost easier to see her mom as just an emotionally unavailable person, incapable of love. But she sees her mother is indeed capable of being warm and affectionate but she's withholding this from her child.

OP here, yeah this about sums it up. She was also very affectionate toward my father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't agree with the posters who say, it's too late to blame your parents, if you still hurt then blame yourself. It's like making a cup out of clay but then poking a bunch of holes in it before it gets fired, and saying, "It's the mug's own fault for leaking all that friggin tea all over the place every time we use it." Your parents formed who you are. OP, if you are still hurting, then you're still hurting. That's legitimate.

I healed A LOT after I had kids. I realized I had learned a lot from my own parents, namely how NOT to parent, and also being part of a healthy parent-child relationship was really healing, for some reason. It's like that missing relationship is there now, even though I'm the parent.

Do you have kids?

Not the op, but I totally get this poster. I think I said in another forum that when I had my second child — my daughter — I finally healed, and part of that healing was having very calming fantasies when my daughter was in utero about being reborn with myself as my own parent. Hard to explain but it was very calming. Like, I got the mom I always wanted. And then I got a daughter i could mother my own way. She is four now and we have a great bond. She is secure and fierce — just what I hope for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, good lord? I am so sick of adults who cannot take responsibility for their own lives. So what your parents aren't/weren't perfect. You are not a perfect parent. Why don't you keep wallowing in self pity and then you can ruin your marriage and your children's lives! FYI, very few people have perfect parents.

You're a real A-hole.
I hope you're taking responsibility for THAT.

[Anonymous]

OP, there’s even decent adv e in the bad advice here, so read it and take it with a grain of salt, and maybe also a grain of sugar.
It sounds like you had a great level of unhappiness related to your mother not meeting your personal need for affection. You’re now an adult, and can meet the needs you have. Why are you continuing to give your mother dominion over your happiness, when you can see that she is not able to be who you want her to be? You have to find a way to let the past go, and let go of the blame game, which gets you nowhere except inside your own head. therapy is An EXCELLENT vehicle to learning self forgiveness, and how to move forward. It can be intensely painful, and feels like an unforgiving process if you’re doing it right, but you have to move air to move forward, instead of being stuck where you are right now.

You, and only you, are the maker of your own happiness or unhappiness. Yes, your parents shaped who you are to this point, but there is no reason you can’t shape yourself differently now. You just need to take charge of that happiness and make it happen for you, because it’s not something anyone else can give you.

[Anonymous]

OP, not going to tell you anything new. Like other pps, I strongly suggest working through this with a therapist. But I just wanted to emphasize that what happened to you as a child was deeply unfair. You deserved better parents. There is no question about that.

But now that you're an adult you are responsible for your life. You need to actively take steps to make your life better and to stop letting the past control you in the present. You can have a better life, even though your parents were terrible. And you can make that happen but to do that you have to look forward and take responsibility for your life now.

Good luck! I hope things get better!

[Anonymous]

Are you still in contact with your mother?

[Anonymous]

Playing the victim constantly is so pathetic. Own your life. Stop blaming everyone around you.