how to stop blaming parents for shortcomings in life?

[Anonymous]

I have a lot of deep, pent up resentment for my mother, as well as my father although less so. A lot of the things that are wrong in my life and many of my negative personal traits I can pinpoint very specific memories/a culmination of things from my childhood that I feel like made me this way. For example-- a hard time getting close to people due to the fact that I was shown very little affection and my mother was very cold and distant. A fear of abandonment because my mother threatened to put me in a group home when I stole some of my sister's spare change as a kid. A dislike of dogs because my mom was extremely affectionate to my dog, smiled and hugged him in a way that was never shown to me ("Oh, you ripped up some carpet? That's ok, we sitll love you soooo much! You're our boy." Such unconditional love was NEVER given to me.) A hard time laughing at myself and not taking life so seriously because every time I tried to tell my mom a joke or had a goofy personality trait she turned it into a lecture or a reason to say no.

[Anonymous]

Oh, good lord? I am so sick of adults who cannot take responsibility for their own lives. So what your parents aren't/weren't perfect. You are not a perfect parent. Why don't you keep wallowing in self pity and then you can ruin your marriage and your children's lives! FYI, very few people have perfect parents.

[Anonymous]

I would suggest therapy, obviously, but also recommend the book "The Body Keeps the Score" about how trauma impacts us mentally, physically, and emotionally. (And if you perceive it as trauma - even if someone else disputes it as such - IT IS.)

Here's an article about the book:
https://www.brainpickings.org/2016/06/20/the-body-keeps-the-score-van-der-kolk/

[Anonymous]

How old are you OP? If you are an adult, there is only one person you can blame. You.

[Anonymous]

Find a good therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, good lord? I am so sick of adults who cannot take responsibility for their own lives. So what your parents aren't/weren't perfect. You are not a perfect parent. Why don't you keep wallowing in self pity and then you can ruin your marriage and your children's lives! FYI, very few people have perfect parents.

Well that was helpful, go kick your dog it will make you feel better.

[Anonymous]

https://www.amazon.com/Buddhist-Boot-Camp-Timber-Hawkeye/dp/0062267434

This book helps. It's a journey, you don't just wake up one day and are all good with having terrible parents.

[Anonymous]

My dad is 5'5 my mom is 5'0''. I'm a guy and I'm 5'6''. I resent them for being short. Other than that, there's not much for me to blame.

[Anonymous]

You learn to realize that your parents were human beings.

Before you, they had their own traumas, their own stresses, their own anxieties, their own stories, and their own "stuff." They had a life before you--and outside of you.

My parents were deeply flawed people, and while I really wish they did a lot of things differently, I do believe that their core that they really loved my siblings and I. There were almost always good intentions. They didn't know any better, and they had their own sh!t from their own childhood that they never dealt with. I forgave them for not being perfect, because I sure as hell am not perfect myself.

[Anonymous]

That's a dumb reason to dislike dogs, OP. you are really reaching.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find a good therapist.

Agree. Books can get you started but a therapist will steer you objectively. It will be worth it.

[Anonymous]

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it. Read some stories of people who have suffered and endured truly traumatic events and find inspiration in their hope for the future. Sometimes you just need to put your situation in perspective to understand how to not internalize it. I’m not suggesting it’s easy but a therapist can help. Look for someone that focuses on dialectical behavior therapy.

[Anonymous]

The statute of limitations has expired on your childhood trauma. You have to fix your own crap. Lots of people grew up with worse - that’s not to minimize your pain, but to give you some perspective. Your parents did the best they could. Hurt people hurt people. Get therapy or do what you need to do and get on with your life.

[Anonymous]

This sounds suspiciously familiar to another poster on 12/3 who lamented the "toxic" mother she had and wanted to know how to cut her off.

Even if it's not the same OP - get a grip. NO ONE had perfect parents since the beginning of mankind. Yet somehow the infinite majority seem to get along and have a decent life. You can too.

Snap out of it!

[Anonymous]

I'm no therapist, but I feel like you should pay less attention to the little things that could have (hypothetically) affected your preferences and personality, and more on dealing with the big things. So by all means do some therapy to help you move on from having had a cold and distant mother. But it doesn't seem productive to try to trace the origins of specific negative traits. If you have someone to blame for a problem you are having, that doesn't help you move on.