Last year's 'no food in this house' solution

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's great, but why can you not just tell them "hey, your schedule doesn't work for us. We are bringing food. We won't make any more work for you -- we'll wash all dishes, etc -- but we are going to eat when we're hungry. You're welcome to join us or not as you prefer."

Why should you have to revert to subterfuge.

First time on DCUM?

No. I just don't understand why people play games and can't be direct (without being rude). My inlaws pulled this once when I was pregnant -- making a small amount of food and then expressing shock when I was still hungry and ate a Kind bar I'd packed. I told them "sorry, I'm pregnant, I need to eat more and I'd appreciate if you don't comment on it. Thanks."

Isn't it amazing for you that they respected the boundary starting there? How nice for you.

Yes, it is. I don't put up with being treated like crap. I stand up for myself whether that's with family, friends, or at work. I'm polite but I'm not afraid to be direct. I'll apologize if I'm in the wrong or if I need to take responsibility for a mistake -- mine or a subordinate's -- but I'm not cringing or servile and I will correct someone who treats me that way. When I worked in biglaw other associates would tell me that they were terrified of partner so-and-so or would vomit from stress in the morning because of so-and-so's demands and attitude. I worked for the same people and I hated working for them but I didn't put up with being demeaned. If you can't tell your family or inlaws that you plan to feed yourself, you need to work on your backbone.

Honey, we feed ourselves. We set boundaries and do what we need to do. We don't need to ruin holidays over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People might get suspicious that you win the raffle every year.

"My boss gave each of his employees gift baskets to enjoy!"

OP’s line that “Everyone enjoyed it so much last year that I decided to get one again this year!” is perfect!

The “raffle” is your opening for year one. After that, it’s tradition. Enjoy!

[Anonymous]

My parents never eat anything in their old age and scolded me, as an adult, for eating a snickers bar for lunch. I basically don’t visit because of the food issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good thinking, op. Keep winning those raffles!

You think they'll buy the raffle excuse year after year?

OP here. There's no way they would buy that again, but now I have "Everyone enjoyed it so much last year, I brought another one for us all to share!"

Brilliant!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Awesome! We've done poptarts, granola bars and snack mix and kept it in our room for DH and the kids. Milk is the hardest because my kids just about go through a 1/2 gallon a day. Inlaws don't have room in their fridge and will buy 1/2 gallon for the week.

Hey, maybe you should get them a mini fridge for Christmas for any number of reasons. It was fun! It was on sale! I won it from work! And keep it in the guest room...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good thinking, op. Keep winning those raffles!

You think they'll buy the raffle excuse year after year?

OP here. There's no way they would buy that again, but now I have "Everyone enjoyed it so much last year, I brought another one for us all to share!"

I'm worried about the fact they'll have a whole year to figure out how to counter this. You made an unexpected move, and won because of the surprise factor. They are not going just let that stand. Please do remember to report back next year.

This is war room level strategizing!

OP here. HA! I will report back, I promise.

In the face of counter-plans and approaches, I do plan to deploy one of my best moves: Cheerful Dumb DIL. Like, I'm so blandly pleasant and clueless that your passive-aggressive comment went right over my head, and I remain steadfastly cheerful as I put cheese and crackers on a holiday-themed paper plate.

Yes this is perfect. Cheerful dumb DIL works well. I love the idea of saying it went so well last year I'll do it again. Then it just becomes a thing that happens each year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good thinking, op. Keep winning those raffles!

You think they'll buy the raffle excuse year after year?

OP here. There's no way they would buy that again, but now I have "Everyone enjoyed it so much last year, I brought another one for us all to share!"

I'm worried about the fact they'll have a whole year to figure out how to counter this. You made an unexpected move, and won because of the surprise factor. They are not going just let that stand. Please do remember to report back next year.

This is war room level strategizing!

OP here. HA! I will report back, I promise.

In the face of counter-plans and approaches, I do plan to deploy one of my best moves: Cheerful Dumb DIL. Like, I'm so blandly pleasant and clueless that your passive-aggressive comment went right over my head, and I remain steadfastly cheerful as I put cheese and crackers on a holiday-themed paper plate.

Yes this is perfect. Cheerful dumb DIL works well. I love the idea of saying it went so well last year I'll do it again. Then it just becomes a thing that happens each year.

NP. Why should Cheerful Dumb DIL have to turn up if there is a Cheerful Take No Crap Adult Son present? In other words -- why doesn't OP's DH, the presumably adult son in this situation, just man up and tell his parents with a big smile, "Closed kitchen? That's funny, mom! We'll eat what we brought and you're free to join us or not, and we promise we won't 'ruin our appetites for dinner'!"

Why does the DIL (or son-in-law) have to be the one to navigate this stuff? The adult child should be the adult in the room and tell his own mom and dad that what works for them doesn't work for his own family. Geez.

I do truly admire OP's solution! But I'm wondering where her DH was when his folks were saying the kitchen was closed, etc. His parents are his job. Her parents would be hers, if they were doing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good thinking, op. Keep winning those raffles!

You think they'll buy the raffle excuse year after year?

OP here. There's no way they would buy that again, but now I have "Everyone enjoyed it so much last year, I brought another one for us all to share!"

I'm worried about the fact they'll have a whole year to figure out how to counter this. You made an unexpected move, and won because of the surprise factor. They are not going just let that stand. Please do remember to report back next year.

This is war room level strategizing!

OP here. HA! I will report back, I promise.

In the face of counter-plans and approaches, I do plan to deploy one of my best moves: Cheerful Dumb DIL. Like, I'm so blandly pleasant and clueless that your passive-aggressive comment went right over my head, and I remain steadfastly cheerful as I put cheese and crackers on a holiday-themed paper plate.

Yes this is perfect. Cheerful dumb DIL works well. I love the idea of saying it went so well last year I'll do it again. Then it just becomes a thing that happens each year.

NP. Why should Cheerful Dumb DIL have to turn up if there is a Cheerful Take No Crap Adult Son present? In other words -- why doesn't OP's DH, the presumably adult son in this situation, just man up and tell his parents with a big smile, "Closed kitchen? That's funny, mom! We'll eat what we brought and you're free to join us or not, and we promise we won't 'ruin our appetites for dinner'!"

Why does the DIL (or son-in-law) have to be the one to navigate this stuff? The adult child should be the adult in the room and tell his own mom and dad that what works for them doesn't work for his own family. Geez.

I do truly admire OP's solution! But I'm wondering where her DH was when his folks were saying the kitchen was closed, etc. His parents are his job. Her parents would be hers, if they were doing this.

DH is right there with me. We’ve always done what we needed to do to take care of ourselves, including stay in a hotel.

We’ve found a way that basically negates commentary.

Our bellies have always been full; this way, our ears are also enjoying peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love this so much. My in-laws are pretty nice and never announce the kitchen is closed, but they never have enough food at meals. There's often no carb and very limited quantities. One year we were allotted 4 stems of asparagus, a small portion of fish, and an artichoke each. I was breastfeeding twins and literally ate almost an entire turkey alone the week before when visiting my family...

Even if that’s how they normally eat, are they unfamiliar with the concept of being hospitable to guests? Have they never been guests in anyone else’s home? Never watched a single Food Network show where food is prepared for entertaining? I was raised so differently that I cannot understand this. I leave snacks in my guest room when my parents visit, just in case they’re hungry sometime late at night and don’t want to bother me. What kind of monster doesn’t check in with a breastfeeding mother (to twins no less!) to make sure she has everything she needs? I’m experiencing second hand distress over this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good thinking, op. Keep winning those raffles!

You think they'll buy the raffle excuse year after year?

OP here. There's no way they would buy that again, but now I have "Everyone enjoyed it so much last year, I brought another one for us all to share!"

I'm worried about the fact they'll have a whole year to figure out how to counter this. You made an unexpected move, and won because of the surprise factor. They are not going just let that stand. Please do remember to report back next year.

This is war room level strategizing!

OP here. HA! I will report back, I promise.

In the face of counter-plans and approaches, I do plan to deploy one of my best moves: Cheerful Dumb DIL. Like, I'm so blandly pleasant and clueless that your passive-aggressive comment went right over my head, and I remain steadfastly cheerful as I put cheese and crackers on a holiday-themed paper plate.

Yes this is perfect. Cheerful dumb DIL works well. I love the idea of saying it went so well last year I'll do it again. Then it just becomes a thing that happens each year.

NP. Why should Cheerful Dumb DIL have to turn up if there is a Cheerful Take No Crap Adult Son present? In other words -- why doesn't OP's DH, the presumably adult son in this situation, just man up and tell his parents with a big smile, "Closed kitchen? That's funny, mom! We'll eat what we brought and you're free to join us or not, and we promise we won't 'ruin our appetites for dinner'!"

Why does the DIL (or son-in-law) have to be the one to navigate this stuff? The adult child should be the adult in the room and tell his own mom and dad that what works for them doesn't work for his own family. Geez.

I do truly admire OP's solution! But I'm wondering where her DH was when his folks were saying the kitchen was closed, etc. His parents are his job. Her parents would be hers, if they were doing this.

This--If your husband hasn't told them point blank stop with the comments, let us eat in peace, then that's the issue. I commend your workaround, I just wish for your sake it wasn't necessary.

[Anonymous]

I think the pps are missing the point - this isn’t about OP and her DH picking a battle. This is about them choosing to keep the peace in a calm way. I think this is an elegant solution to the problem. They get to eat and enjoy family time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good thinking, op. Keep winning those raffles!

You think they'll buy the raffle excuse year after year?

OP here. There's no way they would buy that again, but now I have "Everyone enjoyed it so much last year, I brought another one for us all to share!"

I'm worried about the fact they'll have a whole year to figure out how to counter this. You made an unexpected move, and won because of the surprise factor. They are not going just let that stand. Please do remember to report back next year.

This is war room level strategizing!

OP here. HA! I will report back, I promise.

In the face of counter-plans and approaches, I do plan to deploy one of my best moves: Cheerful Dumb DIL. Like, I'm so blandly pleasant and clueless that your passive-aggressive comment went right over my head, and I remain steadfastly cheerful as I put cheese and crackers on a holiday-themed paper plate.

Yes this is perfect. Cheerful dumb DIL works well. I love the idea of saying it went so well last year I'll do it again. Then it just becomes a thing that happens each year.

NP. Why should Cheerful Dumb DIL have to turn up if there is a Cheerful Take No Crap Adult Son present? In other words -- why doesn't OP's DH, the presumably adult son in this situation, just man up and tell his parents with a big smile, "Closed kitchen? That's funny, mom! We'll eat what we brought and you're free to join us or not, and we promise we won't 'ruin our appetites for dinner'!"

Why does the DIL (or son-in-law) have to be the one to navigate this stuff? The adult child should be the adult in the room and tell his own mom and dad that what works for them doesn't work for his own family. Geez.

I do truly admire OP's solution! But I'm wondering where her DH was when his folks were saying the kitchen was closed, etc. His parents are his job. Her parents would be hers, if they were doing this.

This--If your husband hasn't told them point blank stop with the comments, let us eat in peace, then that's the issue. I commend your workaround, I just wish for your sake it wasn't necessary.

We've found a solution that works for us. I get that it doesn't work for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People might get suspicious that you win the raffle every year.

"My boss gave each of his employees gift baskets to enjoy!"

+1. I can think of a million white lies to get your through the next 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

NP. Why should Cheerful Dumb DIL have to turn up if there is a Cheerful Take No Crap Adult Son present? In other words -- why doesn't OP's DH, the presumably adult son in this situation, just man up and tell his parents with a big smile, "Closed kitchen? That's funny, mom! We'll eat what we brought and you're free to join us or not, and we promise we won't 'ruin our appetites for dinner'!"

Why does the DIL (or son-in-law) have to be the one to navigate this stuff? The adult child should be the adult in the room and tell his own mom and dad that what works for them doesn't work for his own family. Geez.

I do truly admire OP's solution! But I'm wondering where her DH was when his folks were saying the kitchen was closed, etc. His parents are his job. Her parents would be hers, if they were doing this.

Im a new poster to this thread.

In my parents house, it becomes a fight/hostile situation.
My mom LOVES to "deny lunch" to guests. It's always the same; after breakfast (of bagels and coffee, not anything extraordinarily hearty) she will announce "Now we're going to have a BIG early dinner! So no one eat anything until then!"
"Early" typically means about 7 pm.
And woe to anyone that actually tries to defy her "no eating" demands.

A few years ago my brother was visiting with his wife and young kids (5 year old twins.) You just can't make kids that young go all day without eating, that's insane! My mom kept insisting that dinner would be "early" and by 4 o'clock my brother finally just ordered a pizza to be delivered!

My mom was pissed and actually got really nasty with my brother's wife about it. My brother and his family left and didn't talk to them for a few years after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love this so much. My in-laws are pretty nice and never announce the kitchen is closed, but they never have enough food at meals. There's often no carb and very limited quantities. One year we were allotted 4 stems of asparagus, a small portion of fish, and an artichoke each. I was breastfeeding twins and literally ate almost an entire turkey alone the week before when visiting my family...

Even if that’s how they normally eat, are they unfamiliar with the concept of being hospitable to guests? Have they never been guests in anyone else’s home? Never watched a single Food Network show where food is prepared for entertaining? I was raised so differently that I cannot understand this. I leave snacks in my guest room when my parents visit, just in case they’re hungry sometime late at night and don’t want to bother me. What kind of monster doesn’t check in with a breastfeeding mother (to twins no less!) to make sure she has everything she needs? I’m experiencing second hand distress over this.

+1

This is not as uncommon as you’d think. I was breastfeeding and my parents served one ready-to-serve can of soup for lunch, split between 4 people! WTF? They also seemed annoyed when I sent DH to Panera for sandwiches because there was “plenty of food.”