Been ghosted by a 'friend' and it kind of hurts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone suggested asking her what’s wrong? If she doesn’t answer, you can be bummed out, but she may have other stuff going on or maybe OP did something. If she was a good friend, why not try? Seems silly to write her off right away and make up a story about why she sucks.

Seems like a good idea!

People who ghost don’t want or aren’t capable of having that conversation. If she responds at all, it will be with some vague answer and OP will still be in the dark. I’d love to be wrong though.

[Anonymous]

I was ghosted by a really good friend last year and it hurts a lot. I have no clue what I did, and would love the opportunity to hear her perspective, but I don't think that will ever happen.

Throughout our friendship, she ghosted some other people and I never really thought much of it (they weren't people I knew). Then, she cut out me and at least three other mutual friends at the same time. Oddly, this makes me feel better....she is a serial ghoster, which makes me think the problem is more her than me. Unfortunately I'll never know for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone suggested asking her what’s wrong? If she doesn’t answer, you can be bummed out, but she may have other stuff going on or maybe OP did something. If she was a good friend, why not try? Seems silly to write her off right away and make up a story about why she sucks.

Seems like a good idea!

People who ghost don’t want or aren’t capable of having that conversation. If she responds at all, it will be with some vague answer and OP will still be in the dark. I’d love to be wrong though.

+1 oh I just got very busy. It’s not you. Bye ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was ghosted by a really good friend last year and it hurts a lot. I have no clue what I did, and would love the opportunity to hear her perspective, but I don't think that will ever happen.

Throughout our friendship, she ghosted some other people and I never really thought much of it (they weren't people I knew). Then, she cut out me and at least three other mutual friends at the same time. Oddly, this makes me feel better....she is a serial ghoster, which makes me think the problem is more her than me. Unfortunately I'll never know for sure.

Is she the type who tolerates too much, and later reacts over everything at once? The bolded sounds like a “final straw”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was ghosted by a close friend after I was raped. The friend, as best as I can tell, felt awkward around me. Very sad and based on my support group, not uncommon for sexual assault victims. Shocking and sad, but true.

WTF?

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry. Is this ghosting a DC thing?
I was also ghosted by my kid's classmate's parents, and I am not sure why. It was a bit hurtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it freeing when people reveal who they really are. No need to worry over this. Why not put time, energy, love and care into other relationships with real, two-way street people?

She's honestly not worth another thought.

I have to say that this is so true, but sometimes it can take getting farther away from the situation than you currently are to realize it. I had a friend whose husband was in his medical residency so he was never around. As a result, she spent almost all her time with me. Not a day went by when we didn't text or call or see each other multiple times and she was a bridesmaid in my wedding. Anyway, one day she stopped talking to me and wouldn't tell me why. I then found out from a mutual friend that she thought I had said something which I had not and she apparently decided that instead of trying to have a conversation with me about what had upset her (which would have resolved the issue since I was not the person who had said the thing she was upset about), she decided to bad mouth to everyone we knew, try to turn my best friend (who also knew her) against me, and basically acted like a child about the whole thing. I realized eventually that I really didn't want to be friends with someone who acted like that, nor be friends with someone who thought I was the kind of person who would say the thing I was being accused of. So I made peace with not having her in my life anymore and it was very freeing. I actually had a dream about her years later where she apologized for what had happened and asked to be friends again and my first thought was no, a tiger doesn't change its stripes and I really don't need a friend who treats people like that. I hope you can come to the same conclusion soon, OP. This person is not considerate or kind or thoughtful or any of the things a good friend should be. It's ok to be sad that the friendship is over, but realize that you really are better off without someone like that in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve done the ghosting. If I explained why I no longer wanted to be friends, it would be worse than the ghosting. There just is no nice way to put it.

Like OP, our kids were in school together and we lived in the same neighborhood; but then we moved and I used the opportunity to end the relationship.

To me, the mom was just too much. Her daughters behavior was the result of a dx. Except every time she tried to get the dx confirmed, the drs said it wasn’t. So she found another reason for her DDs behavior and chased another dx. Name brands were very important to her. If I didn’t know the same of the fancy resort she was vacationing at, she was dismissive. She stormed into school one day during a class event and proceed to call the other parents bullys. Except the parents were trying to protect their children from her DD. She was late and didn’t see the event and immediately sided with her DD.

There is no nice way to tell someone that their behavior is just something you don’t want to associate with. So I ghosted her. It’s not nice but it’s nicer than the alternative.

If I were that other mom, I'd want to know though. She may not even realize what she's doing and it would be a kindness to tell her. That said, I would never offer that up if you weren't asked.

I'm not sure about that. Some people just don't like. PP said "to me, the mom was just too much." Other people wouldn't be bothered by her behavior. Also, the snootiness isn't something someone can turn around. It's one thing to inadvertently say something that comes across wrong and be informed about it and change the way you word things, it's another to act like this woman did. If name brands were important to her, then telling her that was something that bugged you isn't going to stop that being important to her. She can just find other like-minded people to hang out with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was ghosted by a really good friend last year and it hurts a lot. I have no clue what I did, and would love the opportunity to hear her perspective, but I don't think that will ever happen.

Throughout our friendship, she ghosted some other people and I never really thought much of it (they weren't people I knew). Then, she cut out me and at least three other mutual friends at the same time. Oddly, this makes me feel better....she is a serial ghoster, which makes me think the problem is more her than me. Unfortunately I'll never know for sure.

Is she the type who tolerates too much, and later reacts over everything at once? The bolded sounds like a “final straw”.

Honestly I have no idea. I wish I knew, but I couldn't begin to guess. It's really sad, and I still really love her, but she's done with me and our group of friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I ghosted some friends because I was horribly depressed and didn't want to connect with real friends. Lately, it has been easier to be with those who don't want to get to know me. I wish I had the guts to tell my friends, but I'm ashamed of my depression.

Don't be ashamed, PP. If they're truly your friends they will understand. A friend ghosted our close-knit group of four for the same reason and we all welcomed her back with open arms because we loved her. She still will take time "away" when things get tough, so we just let her know we're there if and when she needs us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone suggested asking her what’s wrong? If she doesn’t answer, you can be bummed out, but she may have other stuff going on or maybe OP did something. If she was a good friend, why not try? Seems silly to write her off right away and make up a story about why she sucks.

Seems like a good idea!

People who ghost don’t want or aren’t capable of having that conversation. If she responds at all, it will be with some vague answer and OP will still be in the dark. I’d love to be wrong though.

+1 oh I just got very busy. It’s not you. Bye ...

So that’s it? No effort to even find out what’s wrong? Just assume it’s a ghosting situation and never speak to her again? Insanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was ghosted by a really good friend last year and it hurts a lot. I have no clue what I did, and would love the opportunity to hear her perspective, but I don't think that will ever happen.

Throughout our friendship, she ghosted some other people and I never really thought much of it (they weren't people I knew). Then, she cut out me and at least three other mutual friends at the same time. Oddly, this makes me feel better....she is a serial ghoster, which makes me think the problem is more her than me. Unfortunately I'll never know for sure.

Is she the type who tolerates too much, and later reacts over everything at once? The bolded sounds like a “final straw”.

I am a relationship-ender like this! I tolerate, downplay or explain away others’ bad and hurtful behaviors far too much, and for far too long — in the spirit of hey, we all make mistakes, all relationships have ups and downs, etc. What it means though is I’ve been walked all over. (I realize the tolerating/downplaying tendencies, even if coming from a good place, are a fault of mine that contributed to my problems in these relationships). And then when I am done, I am so, so done; I should have been done long ago. And if this person is also like me, I am sorry to say that we are not looking back. I suppose the one advantadge of not bailing on relationships until I reach that totally-done place is that I’ve always walked away in peace and never felt wishy-washy months later.

[Anonymous]

I basically ghosted a friend but remained cordial and polite and did talk to her if I ran into her at soccer practice or something.

This is what happened in our situation:

I have 3 kids, was working full-time, and came down with a serious health issue that required a very scary surgery. As a pick-me-up, we went out to dinner. At which point friend spent the whole time talking about how her SAHM, 1 child life was so hard and how depressed she was and just talked about Trump the whole time. I spent that evening consoling her, went home and felt worse than before I went. After that, I decided she was just bad energy. It didn’t help that she had offended or annoyed a bunch of other friends I liked better. We had met when our kids were toddlers so had had play dates, but since they were in different school districts I used that as kind of a way to not reach out ever again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I basically ghosted a friend but remained cordial and polite and did talk to her if I ran into her at soccer practice or something.

This is what happened in our situation:

I have 3 kids, was working full-time, and came down with a serious health issue that required a very scary surgery. As a pick-me-up, we went out to dinner. At which point friend spent the whole time talking about how her SAHM, 1 child life was so hard and how depressed she was and just talked about Trump the whole time. I spent that evening consoling her, went home and felt worse than before I went. After that, I decided she was just bad energy. It didn’t help that she had offended or annoyed a bunch of other friends I liked better. We had met when our kids were toddlers so had had play dates, but since they were in different school districts I used that as kind of a way to not reach out ever again.

Good for you digging up an old thread and using all the right words. BTW I WOHM, have more than 1 kid, did not vote for Trump, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I ghosted some friends because I was horribly depressed and didn't want to connect with real friends. Lately, it has been easier to be with those who don't want to get to know me. I wish I had the guts to tell my friends, but I'm ashamed of my depression.

I know this is an old thread, but this is me too - I wouldn't say I've ghosted anyone per se, but I got tired of making the effort with some of my friends, and was so sad about my crummy job while hearing about how great everyone else's life was, that it just got too hard. Point being, people don't always ghost because the other person did something to offend/upset them.