Been ghosted by a 'friend' and it kind of hurts

[Anonymous]

I’m a very nice person overall, but I’ve also let some more distance fall between me and two other moms. We were friends because our daughters were friends, but drama increased between the girls, targeting my daughter. Both of their daughters have hyper, selfish, mean or downright bullying behavior that I’ve seen on multiple occasions. One mom address it, which I appreciate, but the other mom doesn’t. They are both sweet moms, but I just don’t want my daughter to hang out or be influenced by their daughters anymore. We still socialize without children less occasionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was ghosted by a close friend after I was raped. The friend, as best as I can tell, felt awkward around me. Very sad and based on my support group, not uncommon for sexual assault victims. Shocking and sad, but true.

Me too PP! I was the victim of a violent random attack and people around me either showed up or completely scattered in ways I never could have predicted. This is very common among people who go through an atypical or shocking trauma.

Obviously this is different from OP mom friend situation though. OP, a lot of people are flakes, users or both. It sucks and it took me a long time to understand this truth. Everyone who says these people aren't worth a second thought are 100 percent correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think she's just moved on to the exact same kind of "friendship" she had with you, with the other moms who were in your shoes before -- the ones whose kids are in class with hers. That was your relationship -- your kids were in class together. It's like leaving a job and finding out your job friends were really just colleagues after all.

Exactly. Some people look at friendship like an onion, or a solar system -- they have long-time friends at the core who they consider their 'real' friends, and then other people who are situational friends with varying degrees of closeness. Many people who I consider my current 'friends' are situational, and I recognize that our relationship has a season and will change or disappear if they move from the neighborhood, change jobs, send their kids to a different school, etc. I get that other people don't see things the same way, so I bet I have inadvertently hurt people with this world view and how it plays out when the situation changes, and in the future I will try to keep this in mind that it could be taken as personal although its really not. I guess I thought this was different from ghosting, though, which I always took to mean dropping a person for no apparent or stated reason. Anyway, my point, OP, maybe it is not really personal to you but rather situational for her (the ghoster) and is not worth a lot of thought. Making new friends is harder now bc there are fewer opportunities to meet in person, but you will eventually.

Some of these stories are pretty shocking, though -- the person who had a standing dinner and one week the other mom just didn't show up? I can't see rationalizing this behavior as anything but unbelievably rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been in your shoes OP, except it was an 10 year friendship. I’ll give you the honest truth and hopefully save you some embarrassment - She’s either upset with you or doesn’t find your friendship useful anymore. Don’t bother asking what happened or if you can make apologize because either way you won’t get a straight/honest answer from her. The friendship was not important enough to her to give you both the chance to repair it. Move on, be polite/cordial but don’t make any additional effort with her.

+1 Sensible advice. Sorry, OP, always hurtful to be in this situation.

+1 been there too.
I realized after some time feeling hurt that I really had been as good a friend to her as I could have been and that it hurt but I was better off focusing my thoughts not on why? But on oh well! Her loss.
I moved on to focus on other friends and am all the better for it. I see in hindsight that she wasn’t always so kind even when we were “friends”.
But it still hurts, OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it freeing when people reveal who they really are. No need to worry over this. Why not put time, energy, love and care into other relationships with real, two-way street people?

She's honestly not worth another thought.

This is the truth! I like you!

[Anonymous]

It's not convenient fo rher anymore since your kids aren't in the same class. She's met other moms and likes them better/has more in common. In my case, it's because her kid got into AAP and mine did not, so they're never going to be in the same class again and I'm no longer worth being friends with since our kids won't be friends. Good riddance.

[Anonymous]

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

[Anonymous]

Could she just be busy, overwhelmed etc? It is a pandemic. This may not have anything to do with you.

I’ve definitely sidelined “friends” during this time trying to juggle it all. Since socializing is difficult now, I’ve had less energy and have 65 unread texts on my phone right now that need response.

My DD is also more picky about who she wants to socialize with Now and has drawn some lines in the sand as to “I do not want play with Larla.” Hence, while I like the mom - it’s harder to justify activities.

Just give it time, if she wants to reach out great - if not move on.

Like pp said - friends as an adult can be seasonal or situational; time and place.

[Anonymous]

I was ghosted by a friend and very hurt by it. I asked her if it was something I did or said or what? She said no of course not. But I can’t let go of a friend do I politely withdrew. I’m not going to get in a fight with a friend.
3 years passed. Turns out she had a serious health issue she never mentioned. Now I have it also. We are friends again. You never really know what’s going on with people. Even friends.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hear OP, but interesting to see how common this is.

I had a friend of a few years who came to my home once to tell me she was disappointed with my behavior and no longer wanted to be friends.
I was really surprised but she had met a new group and it was clear she didn’t want me to be a part of it.

Afterwards I told a different friend of mine about the conversation and she said that the way the ex friend had described me was exactly how she perceived the ex friend to be. Superficial and striving.

We all moved on but I share this story because sometimes it’s not us it’s the other person projecting.

With my DCs I’ve found that it’s best to commit to friendships very slowly.
The moms who are eager to connect and gossip are doing the same about you to someone else.
It’s easier to avoid them than to have to back track on the relationship.

The moms who are most eager to make fast friends early in the relationship are usually nuts.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was friends with a mom for the past 3 years. Not super close friends but our kids were in the same grade/class all 3 years. This year they are not. The kids are still friends but the mom doesn't seem to want to really continue the friendship and it kind of hurts.
I texted her about a month ago to see if she wanted to grab a coffee (something we used to do sometimes). Nothing. Never heard anything back at all. I ran into her at a sporting even last month and said 'hi' and was walking over to chat but she waved, smiled and walked away to talk to someone else.
Now our kids are in the same sport and have practice together. I arrived early and sat down to watch and she walked in, waved and sat with another group.

It just hurts. NO idea what happened but it is almost like she is mad? It seems super awkward now even though nothing 'happened' as far as I know. Just sucks.

This happened many years ago to me too with a dear friend. Let me also save you some time and heartache and let you know that she has moved on and you should to. I kept thinking over the years she would reach out or maybe we could reconcile after all she was my ride or die best friend. Never happened, I even had a thought of maybe during this pandemic but no, not even a pandemic. Sucks but truly write the letter you need to write and burn it and move on.

[Anonymous]

This has happened to me with mom-friends several times. I will admit that once, I kind of did it. I didn't not respond, but I didn't prioritize getting together and she got the idea. In my case, I felt that we had just drifted apart. It required effort to see each other whereas before, it happened in routine. I enjoyed her enough, but not enough to make significant effort in time to spend with her.

The times when it happened to me, it turned out to be a crazy story each and every time except one, which was similar to my story in reverse. Our kids still texted and gamed together, but we did not see them anymore IRL.

The crazy story is just as likely to be true as the "grown apart" reason.