Complicated Grief and my late friend’s husband

[Anonymous]

My estate states that none of the money in my trust will go to a child from outside our marriage.

Your friend should have set up a trust for her son and set the $$ to go to him.

Now the money the H makes is up to him to spend how he pleases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is strange to me that you think that you care more about the child's interests than his father does. It is beyond not your business that he's marrying, having babies, or who he's leaving money to. Please do not speak to anyone about this. Not all feelings are valid and deserve to be attended to. This is one that you need to let go of because it's not even close to appropriate for you to be concerned with someone else's inheritance.

x a million

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is strange to me that you think that you care more about the child's interests than his father does. It is beyond not your business that he's marrying, having babies, or who he's leaving money to. Please do not speak to anyone about this. Not all feelings are valid and deserve to be attended to. This is one that you need to let go of because it's not even close to appropriate for you to be concerned with someone else's inheritance.

DP here:
The problem I envision is that the older boy and new step-mom may not get along. She may encourage the dad to cut off college payments, if issues arise: "Oh, we have a young baby and two other kids from my previous marriage. We really need to keep all our money right now. Timmy can just take out some student loans to get by."

Recently deceased DW probably worked hard to save for her son's college. That may be at-risk. Plus, it sounds like Dad will need to put three other kids through college.

If my DW ever passes away, the first thing I'm doing is getting a vasectomy. Having a baby at age 50 is just telling everyone that you won't retire until age 70. No way.

I agree with this. If he was nearing 50, he spent his high earning years with first wife and kid. They saved and had a plan together on what to do with those funds. It does seem against first wife wishes to “give” it to other kids - especially the step kids. AND - if he dies now - new wife would technically get everything unless here are specific protections or trust for oldest son. New wife comes in at the point when he is already rich, new family gets benefits of all the early years of hard work. However - I would say that everything he earned while married to this new woman is different.

I was an adult when my mom died. Her will specified everything go to my brother and me. She was living comfortably. New husband of one year thought he deserved 1/3 of the estate! She had worked really hard and invested and was clear in her will. However, he made it very unpleasant. While she was alive she paid for everything (housing/food/travel). Her choice. Glad her will was clear. But it wasn’t like they “earned” the money together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all, it's completely unfair to expect a widower to promise to never have more children.

Second, I am a spouse in a blended family, with stepchildren and a child of my own. If anything, the majority of our assets are mine, but my husband and I have agreed that all of the children will share in both of our estates equally. Yes, I could favor my "blood" child, but all of the children are part of my child's family. I have seen hard feelings over an inheritance break apart more than one family, and I would not want to leave my child with lots of money but discord and hard feelings between the only brothers and sisters he has.

As long as the father is taking care of his first son's needs -- college, etc., I think he has every right to build a new family and that includes treating everyone equally. If the son is attending a "prestigious" school, then it sounds like that is the case.

I think OP is focusing on the money because she doesn't want to admit that the remarriage is the problem.

nailed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree I’d be angry his son was not his #1 priority. I would make my husband swear it on my deathbed.

That’s silly. You should just create a trust for your children. Less drama and actually legally binding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just because it’s come up,

She was a smart woman, turned a little bit of money into wealth. I don’t think it’s okay that two kids who aren’t biologically related to her now adult child, are going to receive half of that wealth. She didn’t go the route of a trust specifically because he had no intentions of starting a second family. She was my friend, I know details because when you prepare for end of life people like to talk through things. We talked through how our children will continue on without us and the money gave her a huge relief for her son.
Marrying someone with kids is one thing, but fully taking on two young kids plus a baby is different, and I don’t think it’s right that he’s taking an “all is equal” approach because she would have protected her son if this was something she thought would happen.

you don't know remotely everything that your late friend and her DH had discussed. moreover, you don't really know all the details of his relationship with his bio-son and with his new fiancee/soon to be family. focus on your family and your family alone. good lord, what makes you think this is ANY of your business? and who care what you think or what you would do - it's his/their life, not yours.

[Anonymous]

this is why i am glad i do not have money.

[Anonymous]

We set up our will so that if I die (I’m DW), a portion of our estate gets set aside into a trust for our kids. There will be plenty left for DH to remarry and have a good life with her and any kids she brings to the family. But I feel better knowing that our kids have a decent amount set aside just for them.

OP, I understand why you are concerned but I don’t think there is much you can do about it. Where is the biological father of the other two kids? Won’t they also get support from their father? And what about the new wife’s estate - is she also splitting four ways to include your friend’s son?

In some ways it’s admirable that he’s treating all the kids the same but this boy has already lost his mom and now he may be losing his dad to his dad’s new family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry about the loss of your friend.

It's good that he was able to find love again and remarry. And it would make no sense, logically or in terms of love, for him to hold his son separate from his new family and children. In time you may be able to see that.

This, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP I get it. I think it’s wrong too. Maybe tell the son to hire an attorney to represent his interests? I would tell the husband that he isn’t following the wishes of his first wife. It’s wrong and he should know someone knows it.

[Anonymous]

After reading OP’s update that it was actually money that the wife made, and that she’d discussed it with the friend, I would have a big problem with it. I would tell the son about his moms wishes. That’s all you can do. And write off that father, he has no morals or decency. Stealing from a dead mother who died too early is about as low as it gets.

[Anonymous]

I am my stepparent's beneficiary. And my stepsiblings are beneficiaries of my parent.

[Anonymous]

I am curious why biological children are so deserving? He is raising three other children as their father but only the biological offspring deserve support?

You wonder why adopted children need to find their "real" parents. They know they are second class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am curious why biological children are so deserving? He is raising three other children as their father but only the biological offspring deserve support?

You wonder why adopted children need to find their "real" parents. They know they are second class.

Do you wAnt your money going to your former H's stepchildren?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am my stepparent's beneficiary. And my stepsiblings are beneficiaries of my parent.

The dead beat friend is nobody's step parent. Her money should go to her son.