17 Yr Not Asking Permission To Go Somewhere After School

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK - I'm admittedly a bit helicopter-ish with my teens (B/G twins). Now that they are older I am having a hard time balancing when to just "let them be on their own". I mean, they will be going off to college next year, and I'm fairly certain they won't be texting me for permission to go somewhere after classes.

They are both responsible good kids, but my G twin always texts or calls me to let me know the who, when, where of her whereabouts when she's not at home.

But the B twin tries my nerves...he never texts or calls me to let me know the who, when, where of his whereabouts when he's not at home.

This isn't necessarily about asking "permission" but rather a common courtesy so that mom isn't worried when her chicks are not in the coop. Sometimes it's just a simple matter of assuming someone is home to get a package being dropped off.

Am I being unreasonable for wanting the B twin to call/text me to let me know when he wants to go out after getting home from school? I want him to hang out with friends, but I just want to know when he leaves the house...is this unreasonable?

You give your 17-year-old less freedom than I give my 14-year-old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK - I'm admittedly a bit helicopter-ish with my teens (B/G twins). Now that they are older I am having a hard time balancing when to just "let them be on their own". I mean, they will be going off to college next year, and I'm fairly certain they won't be texting me for permission to go somewhere after classes.

They are both responsible good kids, but my G twin always texts or calls me to let me know the who, when, where of her whereabouts when she's not at home.

But the B twin tries my nerves...he never texts or calls me to let me know the who, when, where of his whereabouts when he's not at home.

This isn't necessarily about asking "permission" but rather a common courtesy so that mom isn't worried when her chicks are not in the coop. Sometimes it's just a simple matter of assuming someone is home to get a package being dropped off.

Am I being unreasonable for wanting the B twin to call/text me to let me know when he wants to go out after getting home from school? I want him to hang out with friends, but I just want to know when he leaves the house...is this unreasonable?

You give your 17-year-old less freedom than I give my 14-year-old

So at any time you have no idea where your 14 year old is, who they are with, or when they are expected back? Each to their own but I think young teens need more oversight then that.

[Anonymous]

I have a 17 year old senior. Very responsible kid. He has a 45 minute commute to and from school. He does a lot of running back and forth for extracurriculars, including late at night. He’s still a relatively new driver (got his license in October of 2018), and had a serious wreck early on. It was not his fault, but it was scary.

His schedule is in the share calendar so are ours. I ask for a text if there is going to be a significant deviation from that. More than practice ran late or I am stopping to get school supplies and gas. This is a courtesy to the family, and DH and I text DS when a schedule change affects him. (“Heads up: we are going to get dinner and see a movie tonight and will be home 10-11. We need to go grocery shopping, so you can take your sister out to dinner if you want”).

I also ask for a text if he is leaving school after 10 pm. I keep a closer eye on the clock for a 45 minute drive in the dark late at night. And he needs to get permission to drive anyone besides himself, his sister and a handful of friends we have signed off on.

Besides that, I can track his cell phone if I am wondering whether practice is over or how far he is from home. I will sometimes send him texts with information (You dad and I will be gone for the evening, home 10-11 or your new sneakers just arrived). No response necessary on his part. His read receipts are on.

And sometimes I text him a question (are you coming home and riding with us, or meeting us there?). I expect a response to this, but realize he doesn’t have his phone on in school and at practice. And he’d better not be texting and driving. So I set my response expectations accordingly.

I did have one occasion where I had a time sensitive question. He read the text and did not answer. I sent a follow up text and no answer. So, I used Screentime to lock the phone, except calls, texts, maps and a couple other functions. I got a response 90 seconds later. But kept the his phone locked until the next morning.

OP— you’ve got to get past what your other child does. You may like the frequent updates more. But do you need them? Would you be asking for them if you didn’t have the sibling to compare him with?

My rules are colored by a newbie drove with a long commute and a prior accident. But, in general, I think it’s reasonable to ask your kid to extend to you/ DH the same courtesy that you extend to them.

I also think it’s reasonable to ask for a text if there is a specific reason to be concerned about their safety. And I think it’s reasonable to expect a response to time sensitive questions/ questions where you need the response to make your own plans.

In our house it’s a balance of being an almost adult but also being a new driver. If my kid wasn’t driving or went to school closer to home, there would be fewer rules, but I would still expect courtesy texts when plans change and a response to my texts if I had a legit question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Does he tend to get in trouble, or is he a good kid?

Yes, he's a good kid. But again...it's not a matter of asking permission; but rather just knowing if he's home, if he will be home for dinner or not, etc.

I can see this.

Make dinner. If he isn't home, clean the kitchen and you're done.

A courtesy call isn't too much to expect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK - I'm admittedly a bit helicopter-ish with my teens (B/G twins). Now that they are older I am having a hard time balancing when to just "let them be on their own". I mean, they will be going off to college next year, and I'm fairly certain they won't be texting me for permission to go somewhere after classes.

They are both responsible good kids, but my G twin always texts or calls me to let me know the who, when, where of her whereabouts when she's not at home.

But the B twin tries my nerves...he never texts or calls me to let me know the who, when, where of his whereabouts when he's not at home.

This isn't necessarily about asking "permission" but rather a common courtesy so that mom isn't worried when her chicks are not in the coop. Sometimes it's just a simple matter of assuming someone is home to get a package being dropped off.

Am I being unreasonable for wanting the B twin to call/text me to let me know when he wants to go out after getting home from school? I want him to hang out with friends, but I just want to know when he leaves the house...is this unreasonable?

Yes, it is. I feel sorry for both your kids.

[Anonymous]

You raised an a-hole that has no respect for you. All these cringe responses are trying to Psychology Today and spin the fact you (and they also) raised an entitled narcissistic a-hole.

[Anonymous]

Say that you would appreciate a text about where he will be instead of expecting him to ask permission. He's off to college soon. Will you expect him to text you to ask permission to go somewhere with his friends?

It's time to start backing off, mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound kind of insane OP. A 17 year old should be able to come and go at reasonable hours without checking in with you and being at your beck and call.

When you were 17, your parents didn't have an electronic tether on you at all times, right?

My 10 and 12 year olds have more freedom to roam than you want to give your near-adults. That's just sad.

NP. And no. Back in the olden days, I left a note on the kitchen table and/or called and left a message. Now is so much easier. Because if I decide to get dinner with a friend on the way home from work, I text the family group chat and say “last minute decision to get dinner with Larla tonight. I should be home around 8”. DH does the same thing. We know the basic schedule. And we expect our kids to drop us a text when their schedule changes. We’re a busy family and it’s nice to know who will be home for dinner and about what time we can expect people home.

I’m not asking asking my kids to do anything I don’t do. And I’ve never had a problem with getting kids to let me know when there is a change of plans. Sometimes they forget, and respond to a “where are you?” But neither has just blown me off. I don’t need to know that they are with Alex and Mark at Cava. I do need to know that they are getting dinner with friends and will be home around 8.

OP, as the parent, you model the expectations for courtesy within the family. Do you set the example of letting kids who/ what/ where/ why/ when? Because you should not tell your kids this is important and then not do it.

[Anonymous]

Most seniors have endless activities after school. Your teen comes home everyday? Is he driving? Perhaps the OP has anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Does he tend to get in trouble, or is he a good kid?

Yes, he's a good kid. But again...it's not a matter of asking permission; but rather just knowing if he's home, if he will be home for dinner or not, etc.

I can see this.

Make dinner. If he isn't home, clean the kitchen and you're done.

A courtesy call isn't too much to expect.

Here’s the thing. I really don’t imagine OP knowing her kid had different plans for dinner would change her own dinner plans. MIL used that excuse to try to control her kids, but even when they’d tell her they weren’t coming for dinner, she’d cook the same amount just in case they changed their minds. So while there were many excuses she used to claim she needed a text, it was always just to alleviate her own anxiety and to try to control the situation. It was never about dinner plans. And worst case scenario, he doesn’t say he’ll be home for dinner so you don’t cook enough for him? He’ll eat something else and learn to let you know when he’s joining you. It’s a much better lesson than him learning that mom is going to text a million times so I need to stop responding altogether to maintain my sanity.

[Anonymous]

As long as I was in high school, my parents knew where I was and what time I was coming home. If I was going to deviate, I would just call quickly and say 'hey, I'm going to Jane's now". I didn't see it as a huge thing, and this was before cell phones. It is not unreasonable for a kid to let you know where they are.

My friends used to say "oh look, you have to call your mom" and I would remind them that my parents knew where I was and were fine with it, when half of them were grounded and had snuck out to get there. I didn't see them as being smarter or cooler than I was for that.

[Anonymous]

OP you need to back the heck off. If you have a package being delivered, text your kids and ask if one of them will be home to get it.
Set dinner time and tell your kids they can do what they like, but if they aren't going to be home by 7 or whatever, to text you with their ETA.
You need to back the heck off. They are 17!!!

I would be that a third of the stuff your dd is sending you may not even be accurate. She is playing the game you have created though, and your ds just doesn't want to play that.

They both need a chance to grow up here and be responsible for themselves. Stop micromanaging their lives.

Unless you live somewhere that bombings are problem, in which case I could see where you need a live update of their every freaking move.

Back off, and I say this as another "helicopter" mom. They are 17, you have done your job. Now is the time to let them learn to be responsible with their freedom, before they move away for college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say that you would appreciate a text about where he will be instead of expecting him to ask permission. He's off to college soon. Will you expect him to text you to ask permission to go somewhere with his friends?

It's time to start backing off, mom.

This is what I ask of my 17 year old G/B twins. My DD is more responsible, which is no surprise. My DS doesn’t always text me. I usually will text to ask where he is. He always answers, so I’m fine with that. I just want them to be safe. During the school week, I know they are not going to be too late because they don’t want to be up all night doing homework. Midnight curfew on the weekend.

[Anonymous]

I would not be ok with this. I’m in my 30’s I let my mother know my whereabouts not every second of everyday but she knows my plans for the day and I live across the country from her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Does he tend to get in trouble, or is he a good kid?

Yes, he's a good kid. But again...it's not a matter of asking permission; but rather just knowing if he's home, if he will be home for dinner or not, etc.

I can see this.

Make dinner. If he isn't home, clean the kitchen and you're done.

A courtesy call isn't too much to expect.

Here’s the thing. I really don’t imagine OP knowing her kid had different plans for dinner would change her own dinner plans. MIL used that excuse to try to control her kids, but even when they’d tell her they weren’t coming for dinner, she’d cook the same amount just in case they changed their minds. So while there were many excuses she used to claim she needed a text, it was always just to alleviate her own anxiety and to try to control the situation. It was never about dinner plans. And worst case scenario, he doesn’t say he’ll be home for dinner so you don’t cook enough for him? He’ll eat something else and learn to let you know when he’s joining you. It’s a much better lesson than him learning that mom is going to text a million times so I need to stop responding altogether to maintain my sanity.

I'm the PP with dinner. Mine is 18. I do expect a text. It's common courtesy IMO. I also expect a heads up if his GF will be here to eat. They don't ask anymore it's more of a "Hey, T is coming over for supper."

Sometimes it does change plans. Sometimes DH discovers he won't be home either. In that case I don't cook.



I don't need or want to know where he is every second (he could be anywhere) but I do like to know about a change in regular happenings.

Op, lighten up a little. He's 17 not 7. Pp makes a good point... If there's no supper and he's hungry he will make something.