17 Yr Not Asking Permission To Go Somewhere After School

[Anonymous]

OP Here - I was just trying to be funny with the chick and coop phrase. He is a good kid and I already do give him lots of freedom and I'm not always hounding him about his whereabouts.

It's just hard when you have 1 kid who always texts/calls when they go somewhere and then 1 kid who doesn't.

Take today for example...called home because wanted to make sure he did something I'd asked him to do after school only to find out he wasn't home AND he hasn't answered any of my texts or calls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK - I'm admittedly a bit helicopter-ish with my teens (B/G twins). Now that they are older I am having a hard time balancing when to just "let them be on their own". I mean, they will be going off to college next year, and I'm fairly certain they won't be texting me for permission to go somewhere after classes.

They are both responsible good kids, but my G twin always texts or calls me to let me know the who, when, where of her whereabouts when she's not at home.

But the B twin tries my nerves...he never texts or calls me to let me know the who, when, where of his whereabouts when he's not at home.

This isn't necessarily about asking "permission" but rather a common courtesy so that mom isn't worried when her chicks are not in the coop. Sometimes it's just a simple matter of assuming someone is home to get a package being dropped off.

Am I being unreasonable for wanting the B twin to call/text me to let me know when he wants to go out after getting home from school? I want him to hang out with friends, but I just want to know when he leaves the house...is this unreasonable?

Who/where is unreasonable, when is OK. As in, “mom, I will be home around 10”.

[Anonymous]

Hey - I just lived this!

Just text him: "Hey, are you home? There's a package coming if you can sign for it." or "I'm making tacos for dinner, will you be joining us?"

If he's an otherwise good kid, don't make this a huge issue. It's part of the natural separation process and choosing to fight about it will ruin your last year with him.

This is how I dealt with it with 17 yo DS. Occasionally, I would ask him to do something if he happened to be at home. I didn't as a general rule need to know if he, for example, decided to stay at school or go to a friend's house instead of coming home for a while before an evening rehearsal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel sorry for his future wife.
His “courtesy communication” is gonna suck because to him the very idea of simply saying, “Hey honey, I’m working late be home around 7” is gonna bring up bad memories and be totally out of the question thanks to his helicopter mom constantly trying to keep him in the coop.

Yep, that’s right. My mom was crazy about being informed of my whereabouts and me accounting for my time, so now my husband had to curtail his expectations.

[Anonymous]

Take today for example...called home because wanted to make sure he did something I'd asked him to do after school only to find out he wasn't home AND he hasn't answered any of my texts or calls.

It's Friday night! Ask the "good twin" to do the thing.

Neither of my kids ever answered calls although it's fair for you to expect him to answer texts. Just keep the tone light and don't send nagging texts.

[Anonymous]

Hey - I just lived this! Just text him: "Hey, are you home? There's a package coming if you can sign for it." or "I'm making tacos for dinner, will you be joining us?" If he's an otherwise good kid, don't make this a huge issue. It's part of the natural separation process and choosing to fight about it will ruin your last year with him.

This is how I dealt with it with 17 yo DS. Occasionally, I would ask him to do something if he happened to be at home. I didn't as a general rule need to know if he, for example, decided to stay at school or go to a friend's house instead of coming home for a while before an evening rehearsal.

BUT....what if he doesn't answer any of your texts/calls?? That is my secondary issue...

[Anonymous]

I also think it is common courtesy and safe to know where people in your house are...even if they are 17. They do not have to ask permission. I leave a note when I go out in the morning and they are still asleep. Going to Giant 9 am. My teens have never questioned that small courtesy. One is in college now. I do not require any info. If I have not heard from him in 10 days or so I text.

[Anonymous]

By 17 my son was pretty much in charge of his own schedule. Time to let ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're not being unreasonable. Have you explained to him that it's not about permission but about courtesy? If not, do that. If so, explain that if he won't show common courtesy, you won't either. So you won't make dinner for him, won't do his laundry, won't empty his trash, etc. YOU WILL NOT PAY FOR HIS PHONE.

Why would she be doing his laundry?

[Anonymous]

I am not a strict parent or a helicopter at all - but my 17 year old texts me his general plan.

He doesn't need to text who he is with or even exactly where, he said to me today, I'm going to get food after school before the football game. He didn't say where, I could guess, but at least I know not to expect him right now.

Agree this is a common courtesy and also for emergencies - I don't track his phone or car so if he were to go missing or something, I'd like a general idea of where he was last.

[Anonymous]

My 17 year old still has to let me know his whereabouts. I don't want/need a play-by-play, but, me and the guys are going to the movies, then back to Larlo's house for a sleepover. The more he shares, the more freedom he gets. 15 year old dd hasn't figured this out. Isn't good about asking or telling anything, and is learning that her freedoms get restricted that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Hey - I just lived this! Just text him: "Hey, are you home? There's a package coming if you can sign for it." or "I'm making tacos for dinner, will you be joining us?" If he's an otherwise good kid, don't make this a huge issue. It's part of the natural separation process and choosing to fight about it will ruin your last year with him.

This is how I dealt with it with 17 yo DS. Occasionally, I would ask him to do something if he happened to be at home. I didn't as a general rule need to know if he, for example, decided to stay at school or go to a friend's house instead of coming home for a while before an evening rehearsal.

BUT....what if he doesn't answer any of your texts/calls?? That is my secondary issue...

This is the only issue where you don’t sound insane. If my teen doesn’t respond to my texts, that’s the last day he gets to keep his phone. Period.

If he wanted it back he would need to clean the house to a spotless degree AND wait at least a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By 17 my son was pretty much in charge of his own schedule. Time to let ago.

There is a big difference between being in charge of your schedule and having a secret schedule.

[Anonymous]

You sound kind of insane OP. A 17 year old should be able to come and go at reasonable hours without checking in with you and being at your beck and call.

When you were 17, your parents didn't have an electronic tether on you at all times, right?

My 10 and 12 year olds have more freedom to roam than you want to give your near-adults. That's just sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Hey - I just lived this! Just text him: "Hey, are you home? There's a package coming if you can sign for it." or "I'm making tacos for dinner, will you be joining us?" If he's an otherwise good kid, don't make this a huge issue. It's part of the natural separation process and choosing to fight about it will ruin your last year with him.

This is how I dealt with it with 17 yo DS. Occasionally, I would ask him to do something if he happened to be at home. I didn't as a general rule need to know if he, for example, decided to stay at school or go to a friend's house instead of coming home for a while before an evening rehearsal.

BUT....what if he doesn't answer any of your texts/calls?? That is my secondary issue...

Well, my mom has this issue with my brothers their first year of college...yes both of them. Little brother didn’t learn from big brother. After leaving messages for 2 weeks in their first semester away she called campus police for a wellness check. They never let messages go unanswered after that. Granted, it doesn’t help now. But next year...