17 Yr Not Asking Permission To Go Somewhere After School

[Anonymous]

OK - I'm admittedly a bit helicopter-ish with my teens (B/G twins). Now that they are older I am having a hard time balancing when to just "let them be on their own". I mean, they will be going off to college next year, and I'm fairly certain they won't be texting me for permission to go somewhere after classes.

They are both responsible good kids, but my G twin always texts or calls me to let me know the who, when, where of her whereabouts when she's not at home.

But the B twin tries my nerves...he never texts or calls me to let me know the who, when, where of his whereabouts when he's not at home.

This isn't necessarily about asking "permission" but rather a common courtesy so that mom isn't worried when her chicks are not in the coop. Sometimes it's just a simple matter of assuming someone is home to get a package being dropped off.

Am I being unreasonable for wanting the B twin to call/text me to let me know when he wants to go out after getting home from school? I want him to hang out with friends, but I just want to know when he leaves the house...is this unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

Does he tend to get in trouble, or is he a good kid?

[Anonymous]

You're not being unreasonable. Have you explained to him that it's not about permission but about courtesy? If not, do that. If so, explain that if he won't show common courtesy, you won't either. So you won't make dinner for him, won't do his laundry, won't empty his trash, etc. YOU WILL NOT PAY FOR HIS PHONE.

[Anonymous]

Not unreasonable. I expect anyone who lives in the household to have common courtesy and let people know if and when they'll be home. Sure, they won't be doing that next year. But they are still living at home and it's rude not to.

[Anonymous]

That sounds very controlling. It would be reasonable to have him let you now if he wont' be home for dinner or if you need hi home but needing to know where he is what he is doing and who he is with all the time is about control.

You are preparing them for their next relationships. If they have never had control of themselves - you have 100% control then they are fare more likely to get into relationships where someone else controls them and wants to know where they are, who they are with and what they are doing all the time.

He is 17 and you have one year until he is gone to college. Figure out how to be okay without 100% control. Figure out what you need to do in terms of him being respectful of the family.

[Anonymous]

Does he tend to get in trouble, or is he a good kid?

Yes, he's a good kid. But again...it's not a matter of asking permission; but rather just knowing if he's home, if he will be home for dinner or not, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sounds very controlling. It would be reasonable to have him let you now if he wont' be home for dinner or if you need hi home but needing to know where he is what he is doing and who he is with all the time is about control.

You are preparing them for their next relationships. If they have never had control of themselves - you have 100% control then they are fare more likely to get into relationships where someone else controls them and wants to know where they are, who they are with and what they are doing all the time.

He is 17 and you have one year until he is gone to college. Figure out how to be okay without 100% control. Figure out what you need to do in terms of him being respectful of the family.

He is a 17 year old, get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK - I'm admittedly a bit helicopter-ish with my teens (B/G twins). Now that they are older I am having a hard time balancing when to just "let them be on their own". I mean, they will be going off to college next year, and I'm fairly certain they won't be texting me for permission to go somewhere after classes.

They are both responsible good kids, but my G twin always texts or calls me to let me know the who, when, where of her whereabouts when she's not at home.

But the B twin tries my nerves...he never texts or calls me to let me know the who, when, where of his whereabouts when he's not at home.

This isn't necessarily about asking "permission" but rather a common courtesy so that mom isn't worried when her chicks are not in the coop. Sometimes it's just a simple matter of assuming someone is home to get a package being dropped off.

Am I being unreasonable for wanting the B twin to call/text me to let me know when he wants to go out after getting home from school? I want him to hang out with friends, but I just want to know when he leaves the house...is this unreasonable?

Totally unreasonable. I suspect he's pushing back at the sentiment bolded above, which I'm sure (and you admit) manifests itself in many ways. Your efforts are being counterproductive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OK - I'm admittedly a bit helicopter-ish with my teens (B/G twins). Now that they are older I am having a hard time balancing when to just "let them be on their own". I mean, they will be going off to college next year, and I'm fairly certain they won't be texting me for permission to go somewhere after classes.

They are both responsible good kids, but my G twin always texts or calls me to let me know the who, when, where of her whereabouts when she's not at home.

But the B twin tries my nerves...he never texts or calls me to let me know the who, when, where of his whereabouts when he's not at home.

This isn't necessarily about asking "permission" but rather a common courtesy so that mom isn't worried when her chicks are not in the coop. Sometimes it's just a simple matter of assuming someone is home to get a package being dropped off.

Am I being unreasonable for wanting the B twin to call/text me to let me know when he wants to go out after getting home from school? I want him to hang out with friends, but I just want to know when he leaves the house...is this unreasonable?

Totally unreasonable. I suspect he's pushing back at the sentiment bolded above, which I'm sure (and you admit) manifests itself in many ways. Your efforts are being counterproductive.

I will say, though, that he needs to tell you if he's not going to be home for dinner.

[Anonymous]

I agree that it's just good manners and he should let you know where he is and what he plans on doing, and when he things he's getting home. I hope he also has a curfew.

So the question is: is he forgetting? I can see my ADHD kid doing that, but then he's pretty good at responding to my texts - I just need to ask.

If he's deliberately resisting, I would back down and ask only for the minimum amount of info, but put severe consequences in place if he doesn't give me that basic info.

[Anonymous]

I have a 17-year old, and I am the same way. My DD is usually good about letting me know where she is. If she doesn't, I just text her. "Hey where are you?" and "When will you be home?"

The other night it was 11 PM and she wasn't home (a school night), and I texted her that she needed to come home because it was a school night. She's usually not out late on school nights other than work.

I was thinking the same thoughts as you. "Next year, she'll be making these decisions and I won't know." In the meantime, there is no reason to be out at 11 PM on a school night and I told her that it won't be happening again barring a special occasion. Other than that, common courtesy, let me know where you are so I don't worry.

[Anonymous]

I feel sorry for his future wife.
His “courtesy communication” is gonna suck because to him the very idea of simply saying, “Hey honey, I’m working late be home around 7” is gonna bring up bad memories and be totally out of the question thanks to his helicopter mom constantly trying to keep him in the coop.

[Anonymous]

Hey - I just lived this!

Just text him: "Hey, are you home? There's a package coming if you can sign for it." or "I'm making tacos for dinner, will you be joining us?"

If he's an otherwise good kid, don't make this a huge issue. It's part of the natural separation process and choosing to fight about it will ruin your last year with him.

[Anonymous]

Just explain to him that you don’t need nor want the full who, when, where, what, why but that you just want a brief heads up if he’s going to be out so you can plan accordingly. He’ll appreciate knowing it’s not the third degree over a minor thing and it’s just courtesy to keep loved ones informed. But remind him you reserve the right for big questions for big things!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds very controlling. It would be reasonable to have him let you now if he wont' be home for dinner or if you need hi home but needing to know where he is what he is doing and who he is with all the time is about control.

You are preparing them for their next relationships. If they have never had control of themselves - you have 100% control then they are fare more likely to get into relationships where someone else controls them and wants to know where they are, who they are with and what they are doing all the time.

He is 17 and you have one year until he is gone to college. Figure out how to be okay without 100% control. Figure out what you need to do in terms of him being respectful of the family.

He is a 17 year old, get over yourself.

Yes he is 17. He is less than a year away from being a legal adult. He should be moving towards that independence. Part of which is not needing to report every movement or where he is or who he is with or what he is doing. As I said, it is reasonable to have expectations about being home by a certain time or letting someone know his general whereabouts but not the needing to check in about every movement, every person, every activity. That is controlling.

Many 17 year olds are already at college. Teaching them the skills to manage and regulate themselves is part of preparing someone for adulthood.