Reply to 17 Yr Not Asking Permission To Go Somewhere After School

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[quote=Anonymous]I have a 17 year old senior. Very responsible kid.  He has a 45 minute commute to and from school.  He does a lot of running back and forth for extracurriculars, including late at night. He’s still a relatively new driver (got his license in October of 2018), and had a serious wreck early on.  It was not his fault, but it was scary.

His schedule is in the share calendar so are ours.   I ask for a text if there is going to be a significant deviation from that. More than practice ran late or I am stopping to get school supplies and gas.  This is a courtesy to the family, and DH and I text DS when a schedule change affects him. (“Heads up: we are going to get dinner and see a movie tonight and will be home 10-11.  We need to go grocery shopping, so you can take your sister out to dinner if you want”).

I also ask for a text if he is leaving school after 10 pm.  I keep a closer eye on the clock for a 45 minute drive in the dark late at night. And he needs to get permission to drive anyone besides himself, his sister and a handful of friends we have signed off on.

Besides that, I can track his cell phone if I am wondering whether practice is over or how far he is from home. I will sometimes send him texts with information (You dad and I will be gone for the evening, home 10-11 or your new sneakers just arrived).  No response necessary on his part. His read receipts are on.

And sometimes I text him a question (are you coming home and riding with us, or meeting us there?). I expect a response to this, but realize he doesn’t have his phone on in school and at practice.  And he’d better not be texting and driving.  So I set my response expectations accordingly.

I did have one occasion where I had a time sensitive question. He read the text and did not answer. I sent a follow up text and no answer. So, I used Screentime to lock the phone, except calls, texts, maps and a couple other functions. I got a response 90 seconds later. But kept the his phone locked until the next morning.

OP— you’ve  got to get past what your other child does. You may like the frequent updates more.  But do you need them? Would you be asking for them if you didn’t have the sibling to compare him with?

My rules are colored by a newbie drove with a long commute and a prior accident.  But, in general, I think it’s reasonable to ask your kid to extend to you/ DH the same courtesy that you extend to them.

I also think it’s reasonable to ask for a text if there is a specific reason to be concerned about their safety.   And I think it’s reasonable to expect a response to time sensitive questions/ questions where you need the response to make your own plans.

In our house it’s a balance of being an almost adult but also being a new driver. If my kid wasn’t driving or went to school closer to home, there would be fewer rules, but I would still expect courtesy texts when plans change and a response to my texts if I had a legit question.

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