Repairing Relationship with ILs -- has anyone done it?

[Anonymous]

Op all of the posters here are right. You will simply upset your husband and ruin your sons day over this. It is fine to be sad about it but you need to mourn, not be in denial.

Another angle to consider : have your ILs ever reached out to you? You do not mention that so I am guessing no. They have not changed. I am sorry you and your DH do not have better grandparents for your kids but that is just how it is.

[Anonymous]

OP, I had a toxic grandparent who was a part of my life. Every family dinner with her was difficult, as she'd always instigate a fight or say something deliberately controversial. The entire time I was away at college she never called or wrote. In my 20's and 30's, she never initiated a phone call with me except to start fights between me and my parents. I still don't understand why my parents did not cut her off when I was a child. I gained nothing from my relationship with her. But having her in my life for so many years did normalize unhealthy behaviors and a sense of obligation to people who are toxic. Meanwhile, some of my friends grew up without grandparents, and they were fine. In fact, their family lives were often healthier than what my family modeled.

[Anonymous]

I would look at why you want to do this at a public event. Image? Other people’s opinions?

Do the celebration without them. If you really want to open the door to reconcile, start in a private way with you, DH, and them. Sit down to something low key or discuss the past and how to move on. My guess is they won’t be willing or able, but if you really want to try then that is the way. Not big public event.

[Anonymous]

So, I think your husband and your therapist are much more important sources of info, but wondering: do the in-laws know that the bar mitzvah is imminent? If they do and they haven't asked/reached out I think that says a lot (what grandparent doesn't want to offer a blessing? a toxic grandparent or a non-Jewish grandparent for whom this just wouldn't be on their radar screen)

My own parent was estranged from one set of cousins (the aunt/uncle and kids) after a years-ago insult (a truly hurtful one), and 25 years later, reconnected somewhat after the death of another family member. Not that they would have been close, but it was special for me to hear about my great-grandparents from a perspective that I had never heard - and for my parent also, whose grandparents died while young. It's definitely NOT worth upsetting your husband, or putting your kids in a bad position, but wanted to offer that small anecdote in case it would be easy to extend the small olive branch of an invite, where the in-laws can sit at a back table and go home early or something, where there is some value in connection - not enough value perhaps to outweigh the peril, but you all know that best.

I feel for you!

[Anonymous]

As a person who never knew one set of grandparents because of estrangement - your kids will be fine. They most likely will not care, nor will they ever care, especially if you explain the situation when they get older. Don't invite them "for the children." That's silly and it sounds like you might want the drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We haven't spoken to my ILs in about 10 years, since MIL told me to abort my 3rd child since we were overpopulating the world. A lot had led up to that moment but saying that to me in front of our two other children was the straw. The month before (when we were already pregnant but hadn't announced it), they told my husband to divorce me so she made it clear that the later comment about the 3rd child abortion was just to make it easier to divorce me. When I asked her not to talk to me like that and to talk to her son, she said that it was the woman's duty and she shouldn't have to involve her son. My husband's sister told my husband that she agreed with her parents and he should have never married me. They had openly disapproved of us dating and ruining my husband's "career" but things were manageable when we got married although MIL seemed to get worse and worse as the years went on. Since that huge fight 10 years ago, we have only spoken to extended family and we have never seen them since. When we have spoken to them, they have continued to insist that they did nothing wrong and that there were "two perspectives" on abortion and divorce, and they are entitled to "their perspective" and it is not wrong and they are "sorry" that we got overly offended by it. We have been told by multiple psychologists that my MIL has severe narcissism and my FIL and SIL are trying to keep her happy.

But it's been 10 years, we have a huge celebration for our family coming up in January (our oldest son's bar mitzvah), and my entire family and most of my husband's extended family will be there. One of my children has never even met their grandparents, and the other two do not remember them. My husband thinks I am stirring the pot by asking him to include them, and that they will ruin this event. I think it's been long enough and while I don't expect them to apologize for their mentally abusive behavior, I think we could handle inviting them to an event where we are expecting 200 people. To be clear, I do not want to see them on otherwise, do not want them to be a part of our regular lives, and do not think they should contact us, but I think that they should be included to a huge family event where aunts/uncles, 1st & even 2nd cousins are coming. Our psychologist has told us that he thinks this is a very bad idea and that I should respect my husband. I am taking that into consideration, but do not think this is a healthy dynamic either.

Has anyone repaired a relationship with an IL successfully? How did you do it? Did your IL have a personality disorder?

If we never repair or even med the relationship, which is the other option, our children will never see their grandparents on that side. How do we address that? They are at the age where they ask about them a lot. We show them pictures and try to answer as many questions as possible, but don't know what else to do.

Your husband is correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Oh my goodness. Not at all the reaction I was expecting.

I am being a bit selfish that I want my children to have all 4 grandparents and a normal life. Is that so bad?

I do not want drama. I was hoping that a large event like this would be the easiest time for no drama because we will barely see anyone. There would be no reason to speak with them one on one. We try to every year to wish them a happy new year and every year, they use the opportunity to respond about how I ruined their son's life or tell my husband that he is an awful son (yes, half the time, they blame their own child). I'm 45 years old and over all this drama and just want us to get along and put our differences aside for our son.

Well, has anyone repaired the relationship at all? To be clear, the therapist and my husband think any repair is a bad idea. I am sad for my children. I wanted something better for my children. Will we never see them again? Is that just "the facts of life"?

I don't understand why we can get along with my family, who have some problems, but we cannot get along with my in laws because they have bigger problems. It's sad.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Why do you think that inviting them to the bar mitzvah is going to yield a different result from the one you get every year when you wish them a happy New Year?

[Anonymous]

OP, if you are still reading. This is a RARE consensus of DCUM opinions. This is a bad idea, everyone from your husband to your therapist to strangers online agree.

DO NOT DO IT.