Repairing Relationship with ILs -- has anyone done it?
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Anonymous
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We haven't spoken to my ILs in about 10 years, since MIL told me to abort my 3rd child since we were overpopulating the world. A lot had led up to that moment but saying that to me in front of our two other children was the straw. The month before (when we were already pregnant but hadn't announced it), they told my husband to divorce me so she made it clear that the later comment about the 3rd child abortion was just to make it easier to divorce me. When I asked her not to talk to me like that and to talk to her son, she said that it was the woman's duty and she shouldn't have to involve her son. My husband's sister told my husband that she agreed with her parents and he should have never married me. They had openly disapproved of us dating and ruining my husband's "career" but things were manageable when we got married although MIL seemed to get worse and worse as the years went on. Since that huge fight 10 years ago, we have only spoken to extended family and we have never seen them since. When we have spoken to them, they have continued to insist that they did nothing wrong and that there were "two perspectives" on abortion and divorce, and they are entitled to "their perspective" and it is not wrong and they are "sorry" that we got overly offended by it. We have been told by multiple psychologists that my MIL has severe narcissism and my FIL and SIL are trying to keep her happy.
But it's been 10 years, we have a huge celebration for our family coming up in January (our oldest son's bar mitzvah), and my entire family and most of my husband's extended family will be there. One of my children has never even met their grandparents, and the other two do not remember them. My husband thinks I am stirring the pot by asking him to include them, and that they will ruin this event. I think it's been long enough and while I don't expect them to apologize for their mentally abusive behavior, I think we could handle inviting them to an event where we are expecting 200 people. To be clear, I do not want to see them on otherwise, do not want them to be a part of our regular lives, and do not think they should contact us, but I think that they should be included to a huge family event where aunts/uncles, 1st & even 2nd cousins are coming. Our psychologist has told us that he thinks this is a very bad idea and that I should respect my husband. I am taking that into consideration, but do not think this is a healthy dynamic either. Has anyone repaired a relationship with an IL successfully? How did you do it? Did your IL have a personality disorder? If we never repair or even med the relationship, which is the other option, our children will never see their grandparents on that side. How do we address that? They are at the age where they ask about them a lot. We show them pictures and try to answer as many questions as possible, but don't know what else to do. |
Anonymous
| Why do you want to repair your relationship again? |
Anonymous
| Don’t poke the bear in the zoo. |
Anonymous
| This is not the event to mend the relationship and the mending has to be on both sides. |
Anonymous
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Don't do it.
Your husband thinks its a bad idea. Your therapist says its a bad idea. Those are 2 very important voices you should not discount. And ultimately, you do not want to repair the relationship (not saying you should) because you state after the event you do not want them in your life. Frankly, I don't really understand your dilemma. What is the point of inviting them, if you don't want to talk, interact or even see them again? Inviting them has all the potential of lots of downside and no upside. |
Anonymous
Exactly this. What’s the point of reconciliation when you don’t want to continue the relationship? Based on what has happened, I think it would be a terrible idea. |
Anonymous
| Even if you are going to try to repair the relationship, don’t do it at such an important time. If it goes wrong all they you will remember about your sons bar mitzvah will be your ILs ruining it. |
Anonymous
| Your child will never forgive you for ruining his bar mitzvah. This is not the event to do this. |
Anonymous
| DON'T DO IT!!! |
Anonymous
This. And honestly, it's your husband's parents. He gets the ultimate say in if they are invited. Now if you truly insist on it, try to reconnect before they are invited. Because if they act like jerks, then you will know you shouldn't invite them. But really, if they make a scene and ruin it for your child, is it really worth it? Your husband says no. You need to listen to him |
Anonymous
| Are you bored and looking for drama? Need to be a victim? If so, go ahead and invite her. Otherwise, NO. |
Anonymous
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Your husband is right. You are stirring the pot by wanting to include them.
They have shown you who they are, believe them, they aren't going to change and will only bring drama into your life. If you think your kids are going to change them or soften them - they won't. Your in-laws don't care for a relationship with them. Accept you won't have the relationship with them that you originally wanted and let it go. Otherwise you are just inviting further pain and drama into your life. |
Anonymous
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Wow. Oh my goodness. Not at all the reaction I was expecting.
I am being a bit selfish that I want my children to have all 4 grandparents and a normal life. Is that so bad? I do not want drama. I was hoping that a large event like this would be the easiest time for no drama because we will barely see anyone. There would be no reason to speak with them one on one. We try to every year to wish them a happy new year and every year, they use the opportunity to respond about how I ruined their son's life or tell my husband that he is an awful son (yes, half the time, they blame their own child). I'm 45 years old and over all this drama and just want us to get along and put our differences aside for our son. Well, has anyone repaired the relationship at all? To be clear, the therapist and my husband think any repair is a bad idea. I am sad for my children. I wanted something better for my children. Will we never see them again? Is that just "the facts of life"? I don't understand why we can get along with my family, who have some problems, but we cannot get along with my in laws because they have bigger problems. It's sad. |
Anonymous
You can’t make them change. |
Anonymous
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OP you can attempt to reconcile, you can aspire to repair but you can never change them. Yes, its been 10 years but I have never once heard of any narcissistic, borderline personality type, bigot or other extreme personality type that got better with age. They tend to all devolve into an even worse state as their behaviors cement and they lose their filter.
I get that you want to give your son 4 nice, normal grandparents but it is not going happen to with your in laws. |