Repairing Relationship with ILs -- has anyone done it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Oh my goodness. Not at all the reaction I was expecting.

I am being a bit selfish that I want my children to have all 4 grandparents and a normal life. Is that so bad?

I do not want drama. I was hoping that a large event like this would be the easiest time for no drama because we will barely see anyone. There would be no reason to speak with them one on one. We try to every year to wish them a happy new year and every year, they use the opportunity to respond about how I ruined their son's life or tell my husband that he is an awful son (yes, half the time, they blame their own child). I'm 45 years old and over all this drama and just want us to get along and put our differences aside for our son.

Well, has anyone repaired the relationship at all? To be clear, the therapist and my husband think any repair is a bad idea. I am sad for my children. I wanted something better for my children. Will we never see them again? Is that just "the facts of life"?

I don't understand why we can get along with my family, who have some problems, but we cannot get along with my in laws because they have bigger problems. It's sad.

Frankly, I’d consider myself lucky to be well shot of these horrid people.

Mourn the family structure and support you thought you would have and then let it go. These are your husband’s parents, it is not your place. They are not your people. They do not love you, respect you, or care about you, clearly. And they are willing to put that over a relationship with their own son, that speaks volumes about them, and it’s not good volumes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Oh my goodness. Not at all the reaction I was expecting.

I am being a bit selfish that I want my children to have all 4 grandparents and a normal life. Is that so bad?

I do not want drama. I was hoping that a large event like this would be the easiest time for no drama because we will barely see anyone. There would be no reason to speak with them one on one. We try to every year to wish them a happy new year and every year, they use the opportunity to respond about how I ruined their son's life or tell my husband that he is an awful son (yes, half the time, they blame their own child). I'm 45 years old and over all this drama and just want us to get along and put our differences aside for our son.

Well, has anyone repaired the relationship at all? To be clear, the therapist and my husband think any repair is a bad idea. I am sad for my children. I wanted something better for my children. Will we never see them again? Is that just "the facts of life"?

I don't understand why we can get along with my family, who have some problems, but we cannot get along with my in laws because they have bigger problems. It's sad.

Frankly, I’d consider myself lucky to be well shot of these horrid people.

Mourn the family structure and support you thought you would have and then let it go. These are your husband’s parents, it is not your place. They are not your people. They do not love you, respect you, or care about you, clearly. And they are willing to put that over a relationship with their own son, that speaks volumes about them, and it’s not good volumes.

This.

[Anonymous]

There is no way I’d invite these crazies into my life. It’s only a matter of time before they act terrible again. You’re just signing up for drama.

[Anonymous]

OP if the most abnormal family thing your children are faced with is one pair of estranged grandparents you should consider your family blessed and focus on something else. It’s not oppression Olympics but in the scheme of things that’s really not damaging.

[Anonymous]

Wanting to repair the rift so that your kids have a relationship with their grandparents does not at all equal inviting them out of the blue to a big and important event. You are running the risk of ruining a real milestone event for your child.

If repairing the relationship to you (AND your husband) is important, then you should begin the repair process well before the bar mitzvah) and make reasonable, rationale progress using words and interaction.

If you just want your ILs at the event because you *think* your kid deserves all his grandparents there, you should remove that thought from your brain right now. NOT the place nor the time.

[Anonymous]

You have no relationship to mend. Live your life and learn from the choices you’ve made. Not every estrangement is an error that needs justification nor reconciliation.

[Anonymous]

Do not spoil your son’s day. You will regret it forever! What are you doing? Crazy idea! There are millions of children who do not have grandparents You are asking for trouble BIG TIME! Do not do this to your husband and son!

[Anonymous]

Why do your in-laws dislike you...what happened? Regardless, do not ruin your Kid’s Bat-Mitzvah by trying to reunite there.

[Anonymous]

You seem to think your kids are sad to NOT have "all four grandparents." Do you think kids whose grandparents died before they were born walk around sad?

I grew up very close to one set of grandparents, and saw the other set once a year for three hours over dinner. I was perfectly happy. As was my brother. As was my sister.

I now live across the country from my parents. My kids see them 1-3 times a year. My kids are perfectly happy. Because I present it as normal. Different people live in different places.

[Anonymous]

I did reconnect with my mother at the request of my husband and my first impulse would also be to invite the ILs.

However, what is the worst case scenario here? What are you hoping for? What is your husband afraid of, exactly?
If they create a scene, or make nasty comments, will your husband or yourself feel that this important celebration was ruined? Can you live with your ILs spreading false rumors about you during the celebration?

You need to talk through this some more with your husband. Once you're on the same page, any decision you make will be the right one!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Oh my goodness. Not at all the reaction I was expecting.

I am being a bit selfish that I want my children to have all 4 grandparents and a normal life. Is that so bad?

I do not want drama. I was hoping that a large event like this would be the easiest time for no drama because we will barely see anyone. There would be no reason to speak with them one on one. We try to every year to wish them a happy new year and every year, they use the opportunity to respond about how I ruined their son's life or tell my husband that he is an awful son (yes, half the time, they blame their own child). I'm 45 years old and over all this drama and just want us to get along and put our differences aside for our son.

Well, has anyone repaired the relationship at all? To be clear, the therapist and my husband think any repair is a bad idea. I am sad for my children. I wanted something better for my children. Will we never see them again? Is that just "the facts of life"?

I don't understand why we can get along with my family, who have some problems, but we cannot get along with my in laws because they have bigger problems. It's sad.

Just read your update.

I was the one who thought it wouldn't be such a bad idea, but not anymore. What people show you what they truly think, believe them. They are crazy. I'm sorry, OP, that you can't have your magical dream celebration. Please focus your energy on mourning this thing that will not come to pass. Just don't invite them. They will believe that they have prevailed somewhat, that you have some remorse and have come to your sense, and will exact more evidence of remorse. No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am being a bit selfish that I want my children to have all 4 grandparents and a normal life. Is that so bad?

It's not bad that you want it. But it is naive to think that you can make that happen with these particular grandparents.

[Anonymous]

OP you seem to be a bit of a narcissist. Do you realize there are millions of kids without grandparents. My kids are in their 20s and to this day my parents were very involved, and there is no relationship with my husbands parents. That’s their loss. If your husband doesn’t want a relationship with his parents, and it seems for valid reasons, you should respect his wishes.

[Anonymous]

Don’t ruin the simcha. If you want to see them again figure out a way to start on a day that isn’t special.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am being a bit selfish that I want my children to have all 4 grandparents and a normal life. Is that so bad?

It's not bad that you want it. But it is naive to think that you can make that happen with these particular grandparents.

+1. If this is what you are hoping for, OP, you stand a good chance of ruining the bar mitzvah with your disappointment.