Repairing Relationship with ILs -- has anyone done it?

[Anonymous]

OP no, do not do it!!!! Your DH needs to make the final call.

When DH and I were first married I thought I could “help” fix the distant relationship he had with his parents. hahahaha. He had GOOD REASON for keeping distance between them, as i soon found out. It caused a lot of unnecessary stress and drama. I apologized and turned the relationship back over to DH 100%, and we’ve Maine’s a cordial and distant relationship ever since. Listen to your DH.

Frankly your ILs sounds so bad that I have no earthly clue why you’d be pushing to include them in anything at all.

This is not going to help your kids, and may well harm your marriage (which HURTS your kids).

Don’t.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is sad to have to exclude a set of relatives from your children’s lives. But that’s a choice they made through their related actions. Including them now won’t heal the rift or fix their crazy. It won’t be a gift to your children either.

You and your husband made a sound choice about the relationship you wanted with extended family. You received good counseling about it too. A special occasion doesn’t change that relationship. What it does do is cause you to feel grief, which is natural. At this milestone you notice the loss of family whom you’d like to have in your life. Instead of trying to turn them into something they’re not, process your grief. It’s not an easy or short process, but it is easier than relationship with toxic people.

[Anonymous]

Terrible, terrible idea. And if your DH says no, it’s his family and you should respect his wishes.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, if you go through with it, your in-laws were right, you're crazy.

[Anonymous]

They don't like you and have made that perfectly clear. They don't like you so much that they have given up a relationship with their own son and their grandchildren. I think you are looking for drama by even suggesting they be invited. You know very well this is a horrible idea and your son's special day is not the day for them to show you how much they hate you in front of the entire family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is sad to have to exclude a set of relatives from your children’s lives. But that’s a choice they made through their related actions. Including them now won’t heal the rift or fix their crazy. It won’t be a gift to your children either.

You and your husband made a sound choice about the relationship you wanted with extended family. You received good counseling about it too. A special occasion doesn’t change that relationship. What it does do is cause you to feel grief, which is natural. At this milestone you notice the loss of family whom you’d like to have in your life. Instead of trying to turn them into something they’re not, process your grief. It’s not an easy or short process, but it is easier than relationship with toxic people.

This is really good advice. The Bar Mitzvah is bring up your grief at the family your children don’t have in a new way. Deal with that grief. But your in-laws are never going to be the grandparents you wish your kids had and there’s nothing you can do to make them. They are going to be themselves, and themselves is horrid. Don’t invite horrid to your kid’s milestone event! You are dealing with your own grief/disappointment in a truly counterproductive way. People who have never behaved appropriately are not going to behave at the Bar Mitzvah. The relationship you want for your children with your in-laws is impossible. There is nothing you can do to make it otherwise. Deal with that. Listen to your husband and therapist. Do not open the door to another 6 mos like the 6 mos before you cut them off 10 years ago. You’re just going to have to cut them off again.

[Anonymous]

And if your kids ask you can say that grandma and grandpa are just not nice and don’t know how to have healthy family relationships, so you and DH have decided it is better for the whole family not to see them. Tell them the truth in an age appropriate way. You can tell them that they never thought you and DH should have married and that they couldn’t let that go and said mean things every time they visited. You wouldn’t want your children to spend time with friends or teachers or coaches who are always mean to them, and so Mom and Dad also didn’t want to spend time with people who are always mean to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Oh my goodness. Not at all the reaction I was expecting.

I am being a bit selfish that I want my children to have all 4 grandparents and a normal life. Is that so bad?

I do not want drama. I was hoping that a large event like this would be the easiest time for no drama because we will barely see anyone. There would be no reason to speak with them one on one. We try to every year to wish them a happy new year and every year, they use the opportunity to respond about how I ruined their son's life or tell my husband that he is an awful son (yes, half the time, they blame their own child). I'm 45 years old and over all this drama and just want us to get along and put our differences aside for our son.

Well, has anyone repaired the relationship at all? To be clear, the therapist and my husband think any repair is a bad idea. I am sad for my children. I wanted something better for my children. Will we never see them again? Is that just "the facts of life"?

I don't understand why we can get along with my family, who have some problems, but we cannot get along with my in laws because they have bigger problems. It's sad.

wanting 4 grandparents for your children is not “bad” (what a childish way to put it) but it’s clearly not going to happen to your kids.

it’s not the end of the world either. my parent had me late and only grandma was alive when I was born. my kids only have 2 grandparents (my ILs). i did repair my relationship with MIL who is very aggressive and controlling but only because she loves the kids. now way would I tolerate her if she didn’t love the kids (which your ILs clearly don’t).

[Anonymous]

OP, repairing a relationship only works when both sides want to do it. Your in laws don't want to repair the relationship, they hate you and want you to go away.

[Anonymous]

So your DH and your psychologist have said this is a bad idea and yet you seem to still think this is a good idea?

Nope. If you want to repair, I'd start small. Big events are LOADED with emotions and are not the time to attempt major mending.

If you don't want to start small, then you don't want a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, if you go through with it, your in-laws were right, you're crazy.

NP +1

Crazy with truly terrible judgement.

[Anonymous]

Why did you use quotation marks to describe your husband's "career"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Oh my goodness. Not at all the reaction I was expecting.

I am being a bit selfish that I want my children to have all 4 grandparents and a normal life. Is that so bad?

I do not want drama. I was hoping that a large event like this would be the easiest time for no drama because we will barely see anyone. There would be no reason to speak with them one on one. We try to every year to wish them a happy new year and every year, they use the opportunity to respond about how I ruined their son's life or tell my husband that he is an awful son (yes, half the time, they blame their own child). I'm 45 years old and over all this drama and just want us to get along and put our differences aside for our son.

Well, has anyone repaired the relationship at all? To be clear, the therapist and my husband think any repair is a bad idea. I am sad for my children. I wanted something better for my children. Will we never see them again? Is that just "the facts of life"?

I don't understand why we can get along with my family, who have some problems, but we cannot get along with my in laws because they have bigger problems. It's sad.

From what you said you can't get along because your ILs don't like you and can't get over the fact that your husband married you. For all their faults they seem to be pretty clear regarding what the problem is.

[Anonymous]

Just like you parent the kids you have and not the ones you want, you deal with the family you have and not some idealized Leave it to Beaver version.

OP, you have the elusive DCUM consensus. Everyone is telling you don't do it. Everyone here, plus your husband and your therapist. I'd say ignore at your own peril, but ignoring the consensus will have negative impact on more than just you--the rest of your family, too. Be happy with the "good" family you have. Don't go looking for trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Oh my goodness. Not at all the reaction I was expecting.

I am being a bit selfish that I want my children to have all 4 grandparents and a normal life. Is that so bad?

I do not want drama. I was hoping that a large event like this would be the easiest time for no drama because we will barely see anyone. There would be no reason to speak with them one on one. We try to every year to wish them a happy new year and every year, they use the opportunity to respond about how I ruined their son's life or tell my husband that he is an awful son (yes, half the time, they blame their own child). I'm 45 years old and over all this drama and just want us to get along and put our differences aside for our son.

Well, has anyone repaired the relationship at all? To be clear, the therapist and my husband think any repair is a bad idea. I am sad for my children. I wanted something better for my children. Will we never see them again? Is that just "the facts of life"?

I don't understand why we can get along with my family, who have some problems, but we cannot get along with my in laws because they have bigger problems. It's sad.

Why are you sad for your children when they are, in all likelihood, not sad for themselves? They have never known these people, nor are these good people to know. Many people have this idea that a family can only be whole and complete and loving when it looks exactly like a traditional family unit, and this is nonsense. At what point do your in laws' behaviors make it so that you would completely disengage? They've already told you to kill, literally, your youngest child (FWIW, I'm pro-choice and even I would take this very offensively). You are already providing "something better for your children" by not having these nasty people in your lives. Yes, you MIL is entitled to her opinion. She is NOT entitled to tell you TO KILL YOUR CHILD IN FRONT OF YOUR OTHER CHILDREN. Holy shit, you should not invite them to your son's bar mitzvah.