Being an adult only child is awful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with PP.

A sibling guarantees none of what you listed. I have a sibling. I have not traveled with him since we were both minors under our parents’ care. He is not a built in support. He is not helping with aging parents. I’m not even entirely sure that if our parents passed away I would ever know if he died. We don’t live near each other and I only hear about him when my mother mentions something. I suspect I will never hear from him again after I settle any estate issues when our parents die.

I agree that a sibling guarantees none of the things OP wants. I have a sibling with whom I am not close at all. When my parents are gone, I fully expect that I will never talk to him again. He has all kinds of issues (and has been pretty awful to my parents, who have helped him out a ton but are done with it now) and he will be zero help as they age, zero emotional support for me, nada. He provides no emotional support, no logistical support, nothing. If anything, it's the opposite, since he's both needy and ungrateful. While I wish it were otherwise, it is what it is.

My husband is closer to his siblings, but we don't travel with them, we almost never see them at holidays because everyone is scattered, and we planned his parents' wedding anniversary party entirely on our own. They send cards or call for birthdays, they acknowledge weddings and births, but day-to-day, it's not that much, and these are people who generally get along with each other. Based on where they live or who they married, I don't expect them to be a ton of help dealing with eldercare, although one of them might surprise me. I fully expect that my husband will bear most of the load of that, too. My mom had several siblings, but she did almost all the work of caring for my grandmother.

Not everyone with siblings has all the things that OP listed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m only interested in hearing from other adult only children. Particularly moms with small children. How do you manage feelings of loneliness? Jealousy of friends and even your spouse who have built-in support? I’m generally very positive but every time I go through a milestone (having a baby, baptism, 40th birthday, parent illness, etc) I’m reminded of how ALONE I am in the world. Yes, I have friends. I’m very involved in my community. But at the end of the day, everyone else has family to count on. To plan and host events. To travel with. To navigate caring for aging parents with. My parents are elderly. I have no aunts/uncles/first cousins.

Therapy.
I have siblings and aunts. We’re estranged due to significant abuse issues. I will never have a “real” or helpful mom, sister, aunt. I too feel totally alone. I have no extended family to count on — I actually have to actively prevent them from stealing from me or abusing my children. It totally sucks. It’s not an only child thing, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an adult only child and so don’t feel lonely. My parents have lots of siblings, but both are black sheep and I am not close to any of my cousins.

I am close to my parents and I am so thankful so have their help and support with my young kids - they pick them up from school / preschool once a week and take them on early release and other days school is closed.

Watching my parents and my husband’s parents deal with siblings when caring for elderly parents and settling estates, I am happy I don’t have to navigate those decisions with a sibling. My husband married me knowing that taking care of my parents in old age is something I will need to do, including potentially needing to support them financially. I made sure we were on the same page of what we are willing to do - they won’t live with us, we may need to pay for assisted living, paying for them will not come at the expense of paying for our kids’ college and our retirement savings goals, etc.

I love my in-laws and my husband’s sisters so much. It’s like I get all the benefit and joy of having adult siblings with none of the baggage.

This is OP. Thank you for helping me think about this some more. I suppose I wouldn’t feel so alone if my parents were 20 years younger and could be supportive the way yours are. That makes a world of difference.

Loneliness isn't the same as not having someone to provide free babysitting and logistical support.

[Anonymous]

Siblings are a total crapshoot though.

I have 2 sisters but there is a HUGE age gap (2nd marriage). We just aren’t very close for that reason, although that may change as we age. I do think we will share any burdens of elder care etc - I’m the oldest but live across the country, they are likely to stay nearby.

DH has SIX siblings! Also a sizeable age gap from top to bottom- he is 2nd youngest. They have all had very different experiences. Some of his sisters are VERY close. DH is close-ish with one brother but doesn’t talk to the rest much outside of family events. We live across the country from them. Many of the oldest siblings were teens by the time DH was born so they didn’t grow up together. Relationship is fine but not at all close. He has many older sisters who live near ILs so they will bear most of the elderly care. DH is more likely to contribute $$$- if needed.

[Anonymous]

I never thought of myself like this, OP!

You seem to be a generally very negative person. You should work on being positive, and thinking about all the luck and good things you have in your life.

Seriously. People have it harder than you.

[Anonymous]

I am an adult only child of a single mother who is now gone. I chose to have an only child (although not a single parent). I don’t feel lonely or alone. DH’s mother is mentally ill, his father deceased and his brother is a mess.

You are focusing on what life didn’t give you rather than on what it did give you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I DON'T feel lonely. I'm NOT jealous of friends or my spouse. I DO feel like I have a ton of support when I need it. I DO travel with family (and/or friends/spouse), I do host and attend family events, etc.

But I believe in the concept of "the family you create". I also don't worry about technicalities. I'm closest with a cousin who is a third cousin once removed or something like that. It doesn't matter that he's not a first cousin or a brother. I don't need his bone marrow.

Focus on what you DO have.

This is the best solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m only interested in hearing from other adult only children. Particularly moms with small children. How do you manage feelings of loneliness? Jealousy of friends and even your spouse who have built-in support? I’m generally very positive but every time I go through a milestone (having a baby, baptism, 40th birthday, parent illness, etc) I’m reminded of how ALONE I am in the world. Yes, I have friends. I’m very involved in my community. But at the end of the day, everyone else has family to count on. To plan and host events. To travel with. To navigate caring for aging parents with. My parents are elderly. I have no aunts/uncles/first cousins.

Therapy.
I have siblings and aunts. We’re estranged due to significant abuse issues. I will never have a “real” or helpful mom, sister, aunt. I too feel totally alone. I have no extended family to count on — I actually have to actively prevent them from stealing from me or abusing my children. It totally sucks. It’s not an only child thing, though.

This is OP. I think you’re probably right. As I’m reading through these responses, I’m realizing it probably isn’t an only child thing. It’s more of a no extended family to count on thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m only interested in hearing from other adult only children. Particularly moms with small children. How do you manage feelings of loneliness? Jealousy of friends and even your spouse who have built-in support? I’m generally very positive but every time I go through a milestone (having a baby, baptism, 40th birthday, parent illness, etc) I’m reminded of how ALONE I am in the world. Yes, I have friends. I’m very involved in my community. But at the end of the day, everyone else has family to count on. To plan and host events. To travel with. To navigate caring for aging parents with. My parents are elderly. I have no aunts/uncles/first cousins.

I have three siblings and a spouse (and an only child). He travels a lot, so you know who my In Case of Emergency is? The nice lady to sits two offices down from mine. She's responsible and knows more about my day-to-day life than anyone aside from my husband. You create the people you want to count on. More often than not, it won't be your siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m only interested in hearing from other adult only children. Particularly moms with small children. How do you manage feelings of loneliness? Jealousy of friends and even your spouse who have built-in support? I’m generally very positive but every time I go through a milestone (having a baby, baptism, 40th birthday, parent illness, etc) I’m reminded of how ALONE I am in the world. Yes, I have friends. I’m very involved in my community. But at the end of the day, everyone else has family to count on. To plan and host events. To travel with. To navigate caring for aging parents with. My parents are elderly. I have no aunts/uncles/first cousins.

Therapy.
I have siblings and aunts. We’re estranged due to significant abuse issues. I will never have a “real” or helpful mom, sister, aunt. I too feel totally alone. I have no extended family to count on — I actually have to actively prevent them from stealing from me or abusing my children. It totally sucks. It’s not an only child thing, though.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am an adult only child and so don’t feel lonely. My parents have lots of siblings, but both are black sheep and I am not close to any of my cousins.

I am close to my parents and I am so thankful so have their help and support with my young kids - they pick them up from school / preschool once a week and take them on early release and other days school is closed.

Watching my parents and my husband’s parents deal with siblings when caring for elderly parents and settling estates, I am happy I don’t have to navigate those decisions with a sibling. My husband married me knowing that taking care of my parents in old age is something I will need to do, including potentially needing to support them financially. I made sure we were on the same page of what we are willing to do - they won’t live with us, we may need to pay for assisted living, paying for them will not come at the expense of paying for our kids’ college and our retirement savings goals, etc.

I love my in-laws and my husband’s sisters so much. It’s like I get all the benefit and joy of having adult siblings with none of the baggage.

This is OP. Thank you for helping me think about this some more. I suppose I wouldn’t feel so alone if my parents were 20 years younger and could be supportive the way yours are. That makes a world of difference.

I think this is a big part of it for you OP and I'm sorry you're dealing with all of these things now. It's har dot be pulled in different directions.
I'm an only child and very very lucky that they had me young (they were 25) So now I'm nearly 40 and have very young kids but they're mid 60s, full of energy, still working and traveling and in good health. We are also all local and chose to stay that way and they will age in place and not retire far away. We see each other weekly and they help us a lot more than we help them right now. My dh has a sister and his parents are a full decade older so he has now started doing more caretaking since their health has taken some hits lately. his sister is a flight away and in an inflexible job so while they make some decisions together it's all on him (and on me).
Money and health make such a big difference in these situations and as a child you don't have much control over how your parents lived their to have sufficient amounts of either when they have aged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m only interested in hearing from other adult only children. Particularly moms with small children. How do you manage feelings of loneliness? Jealousy of friends and even your spouse who have built-in support? I’m generally very positive but every time I go through a milestone (having a baby, baptism, 40th birthday, parent illness, etc) I’m reminded of how ALONE I am in the world. Yes, I have friends. I’m very involved in my community. But at the end of the day, everyone else has family to count on. To plan and host events. To travel with. To navigate caring for aging parents with. My parents are elderly. I have no aunts/uncles/first cousins.

Therapy.
I have siblings and aunts. We’re estranged due to significant abuse issues. I will never have a “real” or helpful mom, sister, aunt. I too feel totally alone. I have no extended family to count on — I actually have to actively prevent them from stealing from me or abusing my children. It totally sucks. It’s not an only child thing, though.

This is OP. I think you’re probably right. As I’m reading through these responses, I’m realizing it probably isn’t an only child thing. It’s more of a no extended family to count on thing.

Maybe. I'm one if he pls with the close parents. I have no extended family in this country to count on at all (1 young cousin in NYC who are busy with their lives and I see them once every 2 years). The rest of the extended family is in a different country and since we immigrated we are not close and never were in the first place. What I do have is the friend family my parents built and I built. I have several adults my parents age who I have know for 30 years who I can call for advice or help (and have). And several friends who I can call any time of day and night (from watching a kid to driving to picking up medications). When I had major back surgery during my husbands extended work trip a friend drove me all day to dr appointments and MRI scans. To build this we worked hard on keeping friendships alive, inviting people over often, driving to them when they moved further away, talking and listening and engaging. It's exhausting now with a kid but we do it anyway. I'm having different people over on Friday, Saturday and Sunday for dinner and I have a 4 year old and 9 months pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m only interested in hearing from other adult only children. Particularly moms with small children. How do you manage feelings of loneliness? Jealousy of friends and even your spouse who have built-in support? I’m generally very positive but every time I go through a milestone (having a baby, baptism, 40th birthday, parent illness, etc) I’m reminded of how ALONE I am in the world. Yes, I have friends. I’m very involved in my community. But at the end of the day, everyone else has family to count on. To plan and host events. To travel with. To navigate caring for aging parents with. My parents are elderly. I have no aunts/uncles/first cousins.

Therapy.
I have siblings and aunts. We’re estranged due to significant abuse issues. I will never have a “real” or helpful mom, sister, aunt. I too feel totally alone. I have no extended family to count on — I actually have to actively prevent them from stealing from me or abusing my children. It totally sucks. It’s not an only child thing, though.

This is OP. I think you’re probably right. As I’m reading through these responses, I’m realizing it probably isn’t an only child thing. It’s more of a no extended family to count on thing.

Exactly. I have a sibling, but not one I can count on for anything and both of my parents are dead. Neither of my parents were close to their families, both left them and moved far away so I didn't grow up close to family. So now it's essentially me, DH, our kids for blood family, and my friends. Although being a working mom of two young kids with an hour commute doesn't leave much time for nuturing friendships.

It is tough.

[Anonymous]

Having a sibling means nothing. I barely talk to mine and she ever been nice to me.

[Anonymous]

I'm a 39 year old only child with two seven year old kids and a husband. My dad passed when I was 26, and my mom is still alive. She's 62 now and healthy. The pros of not having a sibling is there is no one to have to agree with when it comes to elder care. I have a great relationship with my mom and my nuclear family. I have a ton of close girl friends, and we travel together. I don't feel lonely at all.