Being an adult only child is awful

[Anonymous]

Op, I think the reality is that this adds up to you just can't have it all.

I have a big family and I would feel as you do if I was an only child. Having siblings is a great experience and having nieces and nephews and aunts and uncles is amazing. We do lots of big family get togethers, and extended family is a really important part of our lives.

However I wasn't able to have kids myself. So I don't get the experience of family that you have. It creates a different kind of loneliness and separation from others. Like you, I have lots of other good in my life but I think everyone has something that makes them lonely - be it no siblings, no spouse, no children, a terrible marriage, geographic isolation etc. We all have burdens and crosses to bear of things over which we don't have control and life is really about acceptance, grieving our losses, being resilient and focusing on what we do have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I think the reality is that this adds up to you just can't have it all.

I have a big family and I would feel as you do if I was an only child. Having siblings is a great experience and having nieces and nephews and aunts and uncles is amazing. We do lots of big family get togethers, and extended family is a really important part of our lives.

However I wasn't able to have kids myself. So I don't get the experience of family that you have. It creates a different kind of loneliness and separation from others. Like you, I have lots of other good in my life but I think everyone has something that makes them lonely - be it no siblings, no spouse, no children, a terrible marriage, geographic isolation etc. We all have burdens and crosses to bear of things over which we don't have control and life is really about acceptance, grieving our losses, being resilient and focusing on what we do have.

Thank you for this perspective. I need to work on acceptance and grieving losses. This thread has been so helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 39 year old only child with two seven year old kids and a husband. My dad passed when I was 26, and my mom is still alive. She's 62 now and healthy. The pros of not having a sibling is there is no one to have to agree with when it comes to elder care. I have a great relationship with my mom and my nuclear family. I have a ton of close girl friends, and we travel together. I don't feel lonely at all.

You have a great relationship with your young, healthy mom and you’re out of the baby/toddler years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m only interested in hearing from other adult only children. Particularly moms with small children. How do you manage feelings of loneliness? Jealousy of friends and even your spouse who have built-in support? I’m generally very positive but every time I go through a milestone (having a baby, baptism, 40th birthday, parent illness, etc) I’m reminded of how ALONE I am in the world. Yes, I have friends. I’m very involved in my community. But at the end of the day, everyone else has family to count on. To plan and host events. To travel with. To navigate caring for aging parents with. My parents are elderly. I have no aunts/uncles/first cousins.

I have 5 siblings. No one is helping me with Dad.

[Anonymous]

I’m an adult only child, and I don’t share any of those feelings with you, OP.

On the other hand, my husband is one of three, including a twin brother, and he is not close to either sibling. We see them once a year for an awkward, forced holiday get-together.

I don’t think being an only child is the real issue here!

[Anonymous]

I am an only child with an only child.

I don't feel at all like you do, OP. My parents barely has enough emotional and financial wherewithal for one child, much less two.
All my life I have built communities to sustain me. My DH was by my side when my parents needed help

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an only child with an only child.

I don't feel at all like you do, OP. My parents barely has enough emotional and financial wherewithal for one child, much less two.
All my life I have built communities to sustain me. My DH was by my side when my parents needed help

Could you elaborate on this please?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m only interested in hearing from other adult only children. Particularly moms with small children. How do you manage feelings of loneliness? Jealousy of friends and even your spouse who have built-in support? I’m generally very positive but every time I go through a milestone (having a baby, baptism, 40th birthday, parent illness, etc) I’m reminded of how ALONE I am in the world. Yes, I have friends. I’m very involved in my community. But at the end of the day, everyone else has family to count on. To plan and host events. To travel with. To navigate caring for aging parents with. My parents are elderly. I have no aunts/uncles/first cousins.

You are romanticizing something you don't have, not realizing that most people don't have it.

I have a sibling. She's not an addict or irresponsible; we text each other a few times a month. We don't plan, host, travel, etc together. She has no plans to care for our parents.

[Anonymous]

I have a dh and was unable to have children; my sibling and spouse are not really interested in getting together with us unless they have to. So I am lonely as well OP, and I have ended up being friends with several adult "only children" whose parents are also dead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. I’m also an only and I have a full life with friends, community, family etc. Still, whenever we spend time with my DHs siblings I see their rapport, I feel a sense of loss. It’s really nice to have extended family.

I have no words of advice, just commiseration. My parents aren’t elderly yet, but I also dread being the only one to deal with their support when the time comes.

Thank you for this. I feel very few people truly understand.

+2. Only who married into large family. It’s really lovely but tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m only interested in hearing from other adult only children. Particularly moms with small children. How do you manage feelings of loneliness? Jealousy of friends and even your spouse who have built-in support? I’m generally very positive but every time I go through a milestone (having a baby, baptism, 40th birthday, parent illness, etc) I’m reminded of how ALONE I am in the world. Yes, I have friends. I’m very involved in my community. But at the end of the day, everyone else has family to count on. To plan and host events. To travel with. To navigate caring for aging parents with. My parents are elderly. I have no aunts/uncles/first cousins.

Therapy.
I have siblings and aunts. We’re estranged due to significant abuse issues. I will never have a “real” or helpful mom, sister, aunt. I too feel totally alone. I have no extended family to count on — I actually have to actively prevent them from stealing from me or abusing my children. It totally sucks. It’s not an only child thing, though.

This is OP. I think you’re probably right. As I’m reading through these responses, I’m realizing it probably isn’t an only child thing. It’s more of a no extended family to count on thing.

Exactly. I have a sibling, but not one I can count on for anything and both of my parents are dead. Neither of my parents were close to their families, both left them and moved far away so I didn't grow up close to family. So now it's essentially me, DH, our kids for blood family, and my friends. Although being a working mom of two young kids with an hour commute doesn't leave much time for nuturing friendships.

It is tough.

Yep. It is definitely a “no extended family” thing rather than only child thing. And you have every reason to feel conflicted or missing out, OP. I have gone to therapy to deal with my own lack of extended family (abusive sibling/abusive parent, I cant safely have contact with them). I felt a lot of resentment toward friends whose sisters or mom etc. swing by to help with the kids/groceries or do birthday stuff together.

[Anonymous]

Same position, although for different reasons. Two siblings with serious mental health issues, and parents deceased have left me quite alone. I'm happily married, have adult kids, but holidays and events are devoid of the larger picture I had always wanted.

[Anonymous]

I have not read the prior responses but I have no issues with being an only child. I enjoy large holiday gatherings with friends as well as travel. I have an only child who is happy and well adjusted and thinks my friends’ kids are his cousins. They may not be in blood but they are in spirit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has a sister. She is currently in jail and has addiction issues. I have a sister and we're not close at all, we're more like acquaintances as adults. We don't provide any support to each other. I get that from my spouse and my close friends.

I know this doesn't help you much, but I think you're idealizing what it's like to have siblings. My child is an only child and I worry a little about how he'll navigate eldercare, but hopefully he'll have a spouse or partner for support and we make sure we are setting everything up to make it as easy on him as possible.

How does not having a sibling cause you to feel like you're completely alone in the world?

This. My one brother has a drinking problem and a domestic violence/child abuse problem. I worked hard to help his ex get full custody of his kid.

Now, I guess I do have a nephew, and he’s awesome. But I don’t have relatives who are peers. And I get the loneliness. I envy big families. But I also know enough of them to know they have their own issues too.

I focus on keeping healthy people in my life. Family, friend, coworker, etc. And I focus on helping my son be a healthy person, so he will have better luck getting a healthy supportive partner.

[Anonymous]

An only child can have a large family of cousins, aunts, etc. I don’t follow your issue. You think having one sibling would transform your life?