Being an adult only child is awful

[Anonymous]

I’m only interested in hearing from other adult only children. Particularly moms with small children. How do you manage feelings of loneliness? Jealousy of friends and even your spouse who have built-in support? I’m generally very positive but every time I go through a milestone (having a baby, baptism, 40th birthday, parent illness, etc) I’m reminded of how ALONE I am in the world. Yes, I have friends. I’m very involved in my community. But at the end of the day, everyone else has family to count on. To plan and host events. To travel with. To navigate caring for aging parents with. My parents are elderly. I have no aunts/uncles/first cousins.

[Anonymous]

My DH has a sister. She is currently in jail and has addiction issues. I have a sister and we're not close at all, we're more like acquaintances as adults. We don't provide any support to each other. I get that from my spouse and my close friends.

I know this doesn't help you much, but I think you're idealizing what it's like to have siblings. My child is an only child and I worry a little about how he'll navigate eldercare, but hopefully he'll have a spouse or partner for support and we make sure we are setting everything up to make it as easy on him as possible.

How does not having a sibling cause you to feel like you're completely alone in the world?

[Anonymous]

I DON'T feel lonely. I'm NOT jealous of friends or my spouse. I DO feel like I have a ton of support when I need it. I DO travel with family (and/or friends/spouse), I do host and attend family events, etc.

But I believe in the concept of "the family you create". I also don't worry about technicalities. I'm closest with a cousin who is a third cousin once removed or something like that. It doesn't matter that he's not a first cousin or a brother. I don't need his bone marrow.

Focus on what you DO have.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. I’m also an only and I have a full life with friends, community, family etc. Still, whenever we spend time with my DHs siblings I see their rapport, I feel a sense of loss. It’s really nice to have extended family.

I have no words of advice, just commiseration. My parents aren’t elderly yet, but I also dread being the only one to deal with their support when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

I’m an adult only child and I. Ours have written this post. The difference though is that I have a huge extended family of aunts uncles and cousins, but none of them are local and since I did not grow up seeing them more than once a year we really have no relationship now. My husband has a small dysfunctional family so no help there. My parents chose to retire 4000 miles away so we only see them twice a year. It is really hard. Holidays are very lonely as we don’t spend them with family. I always host holidays for friends but no one really reciprocated. This year I decided I’m not hosting any holidays and we will travel instead.

As for milestones etc. I’ve just gotten used to spending them with my own little family plus friends.

I do feel lonely a lot. I have worked hard to make a lot of friends.

[Anonymous]

My husband is an only child. I was strongly leaning towards being one and done and he was passionate about not having just one (and we had our second last year). He is extremely focused on our children/nuclear family and that helps him.

[Anonymous]

This is a case of "the grass is always greener," OP.

One needn't be a relative to do/have all of the things you want to do with others, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. I’m also an only and I have a full life with friends, community, family etc. Still, whenever we spend time with my DHs siblings I see their rapport, I feel a sense of loss. It’s really nice to have extended family.

I have no words of advice, just commiseration. My parents aren’t elderly yet, but I also dread being the only one to deal with their support when the time comes.

Thank you for this. I feel very few people truly understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has a sister. She is currently in jail and has addiction issues. I have a sister and we're not close at all, we're more like acquaintances as adults. We don't provide any support to each other. I get that from my spouse and my close friends.

I know this doesn't help you much, but I think you're idealizing what it's like to have siblings. My child is an only child and I worry a little about how he'll navigate eldercare, but hopefully he'll have a spouse or partner for support and we make sure we are setting everything up to make it as easy on him as possible.

How does not having a sibling cause you to feel like you're completely alone in the world?

WRT eldercare - I have two sisters and do ALL the work for my parents' eldercare. Honestly my sisters just get in the way because they do NO work but express opinions. It would be easier to be an only, I think

[Anonymous]

You need to go talk to someone, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m an adult only child and I. Ours have written this post. The difference though is that I have a huge extended family of aunts uncles and cousins, but none of them are local and since I did not grow up seeing them more than once a year we really have no relationship now. My husband has a small dysfunctional family so no help there. My parents chose to retire 4000 miles away so we only see them twice a year. It is really hard. Holidays are very lonely as we don’t spend them with family. I always host holidays for friends but no one really reciprocated. This year I decided I’m not hosting any holidays and we will travel instead.

As for milestones etc. I’ve just gotten used to spending them with my own little family plus friends.

I do feel lonely a lot. I have worked hard to make a lot of friends.

Thank you. I work hard to make and maintain friends too. Even though it’s hard with small children.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP.

A sibling guarantees none of what you listed. I have a sibling. I have not traveled with him since we were both minors under our parents’ care. He is not a built in support. He is not helping with aging parents. I’m not even entirely sure that if our parents passed away I would ever know if he died. We don’t live near each other and I only hear about him when my mother mentions something. I suspect I will never hear from him again after I settle any estate issues when our parents die.

[Anonymous]

I have siblings and once our parents passed we all became estranged from one another over elder care inequity and their estate in shambles. Literally we don't speak or see each other except at rare funerals.

So siblings aren't guaranteed to be your BFFs. In fact siblings can treat siblings worse than an enemy.

[Anonymous]

I'm an adult only child. I understand what you're saying OP. There are times when you can feel really alone. Recently my DH and I were putting together our wills etc. and I kind of realized other than my DD, DH and my parents I didn't have anyone to leave anything to. I have a few cousins but I'm not close to any of them. Thankfully I have a very good relationship with my parents and they spend half the year in the area so we see them a lot and have a good feeling of family with them. My parents have also planned substantially for their retirement and old age. That gives me some comfort that it won't be to overwhelming on me as they age. DH has 2 siblings that he gets along well with but they are not particularly close and we're lucky to see them once a year. There are pluses and minuses to different family sizes. Being an only has some down sides but it also has its positives. Don't focus on the downsides focus your energy on the family you have no matter what the size.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has a sister. She is currently in jail and has addiction issues. I have a sister and we're not close at all, we're more like acquaintances as adults. We don't provide any support to each other. I get that from my spouse and my close friends.

I know this doesn't help you much, but I think you're idealizing what it's like to have siblings. My child is an only child and I worry a little about how he'll navigate eldercare, but hopefully he'll have a spouse or partner for support and we make sure we are setting everything up to make it as easy on him as possible.

How does not having a sibling cause you to feel like you're completely alone in the world?

WRT eldercare - I have two sisters and do ALL the work for my parents' eldercare. Honestly my sisters just get in the way because they do NO work but express opinions. It would be easier to be an only, I think

here's the difference - when you have siblings, there is a chance that when your parents get older, the siblings will help. When you have no siblings, you have zero chance your siblings will step in.

My DH only wanted one, but I reminded him that being an only would be lonely and difficult when we are elderly. Now that DH's parents are elderly, he's super grateful for his siblings (they all take turns checking on the parent; dealing with paperwork etc.. ). We ended up with #2.

I have 3 other siblings myself, and some siblings are more helpful than others, and growing up, I hated having so many siblings (no privacy, etc..), but now that our parents are elderly, I too am super grateful for my siblings.