Being an adult only child is awful

[Anonymous]

Some sets of siblings are close; some aren’t. Some people no longer have living parents. Only children are not the only people vulnerable to being lonely. I understand what you are saying, but I find your perspective irritating and rather “woe is me.”

[Anonymous]

I guess I don't feel as lonely as I used to before I got married and had kids. My husband has a big family so his family became mine, and we have 4 kids and I work so lately the problem is not enough time alone!

I struggled greatly with that in my 20s though. No cousins, no siblings, mom had long-term illness that ate up their savings, dad was checked out, so I was terrified I was going to end up completely alone in the world. I was depressed and scared, and desperately searching for long-term stability. I worked too much because I knew I didn't have a safety net, which meant I didn't have many close friends or relationships, which made me more scared for the future. Horrible cycle. I also didn't have that sense of freedom to delay marriage and focus on yourself that you're supposed to have in your 20s because I had that ever-present "I'll die alone and poor with 10 cats" fear.

I know it's a cliche to say that meeting my DH saved my life, but it's very true. He's my best friend and we lean on each other, travel together, plan stuff together. Our kids will never know what it means to be that alone, and that's probably one of the many reasons we chose to have a big family.

So I guess that's how I manage. Everyone else has family to count on, but I didn't so I made my own.

[Anonymous]

You're alone in the world because you don't have a sibling although you have parents, a spouse, and children? What am I missing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has a sister. She is currently in jail and has addiction issues. I have a sister and we're not close at all, we're more like acquaintances as adults. We don't provide any support to each other. I get that from my spouse and my close friends.

I know this doesn't help you much, but I think you're idealizing what it's like to have siblings. My child is an only child and I worry a little about how he'll navigate eldercare, but hopefully he'll have a spouse or partner for support and we make sure we are setting everything up to make it as easy on him as possible.

How does not having a sibling cause you to feel like you're completely alone in the world?

WRT eldercare - I have two sisters and do ALL the work for my parents' eldercare. Honestly my sisters just get in the way because they do NO work but express opinions. It would be easier to be an only, I think

here's the difference - when you have siblings, there is a chance that when your parents get older, the siblings will help. When you have no siblings, you have zero chance your siblings will step in.

My DH only wanted one, but I reminded him that being an only would be lonely and difficult when we are elderly. Now that DH's parents are elderly, he's super grateful for his siblings (they all take turns checking on the parent; dealing with paperwork etc.. ). We ended up with #2.

I have 3 other siblings myself, and some siblings are more helpful than others, and growing up, I hated having so many siblings (no privacy, etc..), but now that our parents are elderly, I too am super grateful for my siblings.

There's also the chance that, as with my sibling, they actively make things harder for your aging parents, and, thus, for you. It's hell. Life is far easier for me when my sibling is entirely out of the picture for one reason or another. When they decide to "help," things become exponentially more difficult. I am not the only one with this dynamic, and it is lonely AF, in part because people make all kinds of assumptions about how glorious it is to have adult siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has a sister. She is currently in jail and has addiction issues. I have a sister and we're not close at all, we're more like acquaintances as adults. We don't provide any support to each other. I get that from my spouse and my close friends.

I know this doesn't help you much, but I think you're idealizing what it's like to have siblings. My child is an only child and I worry a little about how he'll navigate eldercare, but hopefully he'll have a spouse or partner for support and we make sure we are setting everything up to make it as easy on him as possible.

How does not having a sibling cause you to feel like you're completely alone in the world?

WRT eldercare - I have two sisters and do ALL the work for my parents' eldercare. Honestly my sisters just get in the way because they do NO work but express opinions. It would be easier to be an only, I think

here's the difference - when you have siblings, there is a chance that when your parents get older, the siblings will help. When you have no siblings, you have zero chance your siblings will step in.

My DH only wanted one, but I reminded him that being an only would be lonely and difficult when we are elderly. Now that DH's parents are elderly, he's super grateful for his siblings (they all take turns checking on the parent; dealing with paperwork etc.. ). We ended up with #2.

I have 3 other siblings myself, and some siblings are more helpful than others, and growing up, I hated having so many siblings (no privacy, etc..), but now that our parents are elderly, I too am super grateful for my siblings.

You planned your life around a few years of elderly parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some sets of siblings are close; some aren’t. Some people no longer have living parents. Only children are not the only people vulnerable to being lonely. I understand what you are saying, but I find your perspective irritating and rather “woe is me.”

And there are children starving all over the world, etc. etc. So no one is allowed to have any problems or negative feelings ever, because someone else somewhere has it worse. Right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has a sister. She is currently in jail and has addiction issues. I have a sister and we're not close at all, we're more like acquaintances as adults. We don't provide any support to each other. I get that from my spouse and my close friends.

I know this doesn't help you much, but I think you're idealizing what it's like to have siblings. My child is an only child and I worry a little about how he'll navigate eldercare, but hopefully he'll have a spouse or partner for support and we make sure we are setting everything up to make it as easy on him as possible.

How does not having a sibling cause you to feel like you're completely alone in the world?

I have 5 sisters, 3 in town and I can't rely on them for anything.

[Anonymous]

OP - just go and read all the treads about people complaining that their siblings never help out with aging parents, how selfish their sister is being with regard to her bridal shower or how miserable they are being forced to rent a beach house with their extended family. Then you'll feel much better about your situation. You get to spend your time with the people you want to be around not the people you feel obligated to be with just because they're family. I'm an only and I have an only. I have a small family but like I tell my DD - families come in all shapes and sizes. Yours is just small. That doesn't make it bad its just they way it is.

[Anonymous]

+1 for the family you create.

My friends are my support network. You know, it takes a village! Screw the people on this board who call my village people users! We help amd support each other all the time, through cancer, death of spouse, death of parents, child issues from serious to light hearted. I have made meals for other families, driven their children, and so much more. We are a family, and help each other when needed, without keeping score.

My brother lives across the country, and we see each other maybe twice every 3 years. We don't talk often, and I do not count him as a member of my village.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m an adult only child and I. Ours have written this post. The difference though is that I have a huge extended family of aunts uncles and cousins, but none of them are local and since I did not grow up seeing them more than once a year we really have no relationship now. My husband has a small dysfunctional family so no help there. My parents chose to retire 4000 miles away so we only see them twice a year. It is really hard. Holidays are very lonely as we don’t spend them with family. I always host holidays for friends but no one really reciprocated. This year I decided I’m not hosting any holidays and we will travel instead.

As for milestones etc. I’ve just gotten used to spending them with my own little family plus friends.

I do feel lonely a lot. I have worked hard to make a lot of friends.

I could have written this, except I do live near my parents and am close to them. I have three elementary-age children. I live in fear/dread of my parents dying and my children leaving home. I do not have a good marriage and am scared of how much more alone I will be in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I DON'T feel lonely. I'm NOT jealous of friends or my spouse. I DO feel like I have a ton of support when I need it. I DO travel with family (and/or friends/spouse), I do host and attend family events, etc.

But I believe in the concept of "the family you create". I also don't worry about technicalities. I'm closest with a cousin who is a third cousin once removed or something like that. It doesn't matter that he's not a first cousin or a brother. I don't need his bone marrow.

Focus on what you DO have.

Very inspiring post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some sets of siblings are close; some aren’t. Some people no longer have living parents. Only children are not the only people vulnerable to being lonely. I understand what you are saying, but I find your perspective irritating and rather “woe is me.”

And there are children starving all over the world, etc. etc. So no one is allowed to have any problems or negative feelings ever, because someone else somewhere has it worse. Right?

Not at all. I just find OP’s implication that only onlies can be lonely pretty ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

I have an older bro, 8 years older, but Im basically an only child. My dad just passed away and I felt so lonely. I wished I had another brother or sister to help me and cry with.

It was terrible

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has a sister. She is currently in jail and has addiction issues. I have a sister and we're not close at all, we're more like acquaintances as adults. We don't provide any support to each other. I get that from my spouse and my close friends.

I know this doesn't help you much, but I think you're idealizing what it's like to have siblings. My child is an only child and I worry a little about how he'll navigate eldercare, but hopefully he'll have a spouse or partner for support and we make sure we are setting everything up to make it as easy on him as possible.

How does not having a sibling cause you to feel like you're completely alone in the world?

WRT eldercare - I have two sisters and do ALL the work for my parents' eldercare. Honestly my sisters just get in the way because they do NO work but express opinions. It would be easier to be an only, I think

here's the difference - when you have siblings, there is a chance that when your parents get older, the siblings will help. When you have no siblings, you have zero chance your siblings will step in.

My DH only wanted one, but I reminded him that being an only would be lonely and difficult when we are elderly. Now that DH's parents are elderly, he's super grateful for his siblings (they all take turns checking on the parent; dealing with paperwork etc.. ). We ended up with #2.

I have 3 other siblings myself, and some siblings are more helpful than others, and growing up, I hated having so many siblings (no privacy, etc..), but now that our parents are elderly, I too am super grateful for my siblings.

You planned your life around a few years of elderly parents?

That was one point to consider. Having a sibling so you won't be lonely was another. Wanting another baby was another. But since this thread is about being an only child and caring for elderly parents, that's what I posted about. (you are kinda dumb.. sorry).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I don't feel as lonely as I used to before I got married and had kids. My husband has a big family so his family became mine, and we have 4 kids and I work so lately the problem is not enough time alone!

I struggled greatly with that in my 20s though. No cousins, no siblings, mom had long-term illness that ate up their savings, dad was checked out, so I was terrified I was going to end up completely alone in the world. I was depressed and scared, and desperately searching for long-term stability. I worked too much because I knew I didn't have a safety net, which meant I didn't have many close friends or relationships, which made me more scared for the future. Horrible cycle. I also didn't have that sense of freedom to delay marriage and focus on yourself that you're supposed to have in your 20s because I had that ever-present "I'll die alone and poor with 10 cats" fear.

I know it's a cliche to say that meeting my DH saved my life, but it's very true. He's my best friend and we lean on each other, travel together, plan stuff together. Our kids will never know what it means to be that alone, and that's probably one of the many reasons we chose to have a big family.

So I guess that's how I manage. Everyone else has family to count on, but I didn't so I made my own.

Feeling alone and being alone are two totally different things.