Reply to Friends divorced: ex-wife mad at me for accepting family invitation from ex-husband for 4th of July

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Reply to "Friends divorced: ex-wife mad at me for accepting family invitation from ex-husband for 4th of July"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Something is missing here.

Why did he say, "sorry I put you in this position"? Why did he invite you then if he knew his ex would be upset? Was that the real reason he invited you guys on a holiday? Did the wife ever confide or say bad things about him during the divorce process? Exes do things all the time to get back at each other. OP I think there's more going on here.[/quote]

We have spent every 4th of July at his (their old home) since 2014. We did so to see what was their family, so he invited us like he does every year. even though this year it was just him and the kids without her. He got the house. I guess he knew she wouldn't be happy before I did. The wife did confide in me and say bad things about him but I would NEVER tell him. He does not say bad things about her to me but I know he does to my DH.[/quote]

I'm on the other side of this - married to someone divorced, who thought their (DH and his ex) couple friends could be friends with both. Here are the problems with this:

1) As you confirm, the wives are confiding in each other and so are the husbands. While I think you can see both sides of it, friendship does require some loyalty. If you are listening to dirt about your friend from one side and not telling them you don't want to hear it (imagine how you would feel if any of your friends was listening silently while another friend bitched about you), you aren't being a good friend. And if you tell them you don't want to talk about something that is so central to their lives right now (the divorce and re-setting boundaries with their ex), it is also hard for them to feel supported by you.

2) If you are letting your friend confide in you about her ex, how does she know that you aren't telling her ex about it, or other details of her life if you are friends with both? Again, imagine yourself in her position - would you really feel like this is a person you can confide in?

3) Eventually, these folks will likely re-partner. Are you planning to be friends with both the new couples? What if you don't like the new partner?

It's not as simple as saying "let's all be adults and be friends." I think you can be friendly with both, but not friends with both.

10 years out from the divorce, there are no mutual friends left between DH and his ex. It wasn't really ugly with any of them, but these types of things do complicate couples friendships.

Let you kids stay friends, and the adults can drift apart. [/quote]

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