Feeling alone as mother of two boys

[Anonymous]

Also have two boys here. I think what you're saying is probably true as a general tendency but honestly, every situation is individual. My DH is also one of two boys and he isn't especially close to his parents but his brother really is. I try my best to treat my parents and ILs exactly the same and don't mind doing the emotional work of staying in touch with my ILs. I love my ILs and they love me, and I often ask if they're happy with the way their relationship has shaped up with their adult sons to which they say yes.

Would it have been nice to have a girl? Most definitely. But parenting a girl also has its challenges I'm sure. Don't get down, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fear this too OP, and think about it often. I foresee old age being lonely.

It is not the job of your children (boys or girls) to keep you from being lonely. That's what friends are for. Get some.

+1

Also, another vote for getting screened for PPD. It’s very disturbing that you are extrapolating things about your entire parenting relationship and experience, and old age, because of your child’s genitalia.

The differences between boys and girls go well beyond simply their differences in genitalia.

[Anonymous]

I talk to my therapist a lot about how I have so much joy about the family I have, but there is a still a period where you reckon with the family you imagined. That's very common and would probably happen regardless of gender. Like if you love soccer and your kid doesn't care at all. That's sad. I mean that's a tiny example but I don't know a soul on this earth that doesn't need some grace when it comes to hopes/dreams coming out a different way then imagined, children being ground zero for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I talk to my therapist a lot about how I have so much joy about the family I have, but there is a still a period where you reckon with the family you imagined. That's very common and would probably happen regardless of gender. Like if you love soccer and your kid doesn't care at all. That's sad. I mean that's a tiny example but I don't know a soul on this earth that doesn't need some grace when it comes to hopes/dreams coming out a different way then imagined, children being ground zero for that.

This can be true for many moms and dads alike. It's so important to learn to let it go and love children unconditionally for who they are and nurture that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I fear this too OP, and think about it often. I foresee old age being lonely.

You will he not because you have sons but because you’re bitter that you have sons, and they can sense that.

+1

Gender has nothing to do with it. I know men who took care of elderly parents. I know men who are quite close to their mothers. My MIL had four boys, and while I think she felt a bit outnumbered sometimes, she's got good relationships with all her sons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve put in a call to my therapist, but am feeling sad and alone right now, as I sit here at a rest stop nursing my 4 month old, and thought I’d write it out. I usually don’t think much about being a mom of two boys, but on Easter, we went to a party where there were 5 or 6 little girls age 2 and under, and my sons were the only boys there. Seeing the girls in their cute dresses just hit me, like why did these other families or moms get lucky and I didn’t? I was hoping that stung feeling would fade in a few days, and it has a bit, but I still think about it when I see a mom with a daughter. I love both of my sons, but I just feel unlucky — I am working so hard to bring them up, and they are going to ultimately join another family and not be close with me, and I’ll be alone. The pattern in my family is that I am close with my mom and my brother is emotionally distant (on another continent even!) from all of us. DH calls his mom every week, by contrast, but still, my MIL talks with her daughter every day by phone. I’m just not going to have that, most likely.

Please critique, interrogate my thinking. I know my self pity is too much and yet I can’t seem to boot myself out of this loop.

To play devil's advocate, maybe there was a childless couple at the same gathering, or a couple suffering from secondary infertility, who looked at you and your two boys and thought "why did she get to be so lucky?" We were that couple for years. We still know those couples.

I also agree that there is no way to predict what kind of relationship anyone will have with their kids in the future, and that it's less about gender and more about how you cultivate the relationship you have with them as they are growing up.

Or a parent of children with special needs who desperately wishes for healthy and/or cognitively typical kids The poster who talked about reckoning with your real vs idealized situation is right

[Anonymous]

DH sucks as a son but I am pretty close to his parents. My parents died years ago and they kind of filled that space. It’s not the same by any stretch but it helps even though they have money problems and create issues for us.

[Anonymous]

I also have 2 boys but actually feel glad that hopefully I won't go through what I put my mom through as a teen! It must have been awfully hard for her during that time. Now we are close, but there was a good 10 years or so that I barely spoke to her. My DH is the oldest of 3 boys and all 3 boys ADORE their mom and have always had a very close relationship with her. I also am very close to my MIL (and FIL) and she tells me I'm the "daughter [she] never had" - I took her wedding dress shopping, she's very involved in our lives, and very close with her grandsons.

I hope things get better for you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I worry about this too and I have a boy and a girl. DH is a typical son who doesn't call, but still loves his parents. I work full time too and pushed back hard on the expectation that I plan everything with his family. I've been so hurt over the years by how they treat their daughter's family better than their son's (paid for her wedding, were there when she gave birth, on and on). I won't do that with my kids. I will treat them equally in expectation and gifts.

Are they traditional? Paying for the daughters wedding is still a tradition for many people.

[Anonymous]

It really annoys me that people always say wait till your daughter is a teen as if no boy teenager has ever gotten into trouble or caused problems, and I'm a mother of a boy. My BIL wreaked havoc on my husband's family and went through high school literally sowing his seeds (got several girls pregnant). Lots of drama. His own sons got arrested on felony charges while in HS.

Don't try to put someone else down to make yourself feel better.

[Anonymous]

Hey, I read this and have been thinking of you, OP. Fellow mom of boys here. I think you have PPD and should reach out for help and support. Having a child who wore dresses wouldn’t make you less lonely or make this easier—it’s a distorted idea that your mind and hormones are cultivating. Please call your doctor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I worry about this too and I have a boy and a girl. DH is a typical son who doesn't call, but still loves his parents. I work full time too and pushed back hard on the expectation that I plan everything with his family. I've been so hurt over the years by how they treat their daughter's family better than their son's (paid for her wedding, were there when she gave birth, on and on). I won't do that with my kids. I will treat them equally in expectation and gifts.

Are they traditional? Paying for the daughters wedding is still a tradition for many people.

This whole thread is about throwing off traditions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It really annoys me that people always say wait till your daughter is a teen as if no boy teenager has ever gotten into trouble or caused problems, and I'm a mother of a boy. My BIL wreaked havoc on my husband's family and went through high school literally sowing his seeds (got several girls pregnant). Lots of drama. His own sons got arrested on felony charges while in HS.

Don't try to put someone else down to make yourself feel better.

Eeeeeew that's not what this thread is about. It's about helping a Mom through feelings of sadness about circumstances that are out of her control.

[Anonymous]

Yikes. I wish people who only wanted children of a certain sex would just skip having kids altogether. Your poor boys. I can tell you one thing, you are right that they won’t stay close with you. I can’t imagine anyone stays close to a parent who wishes they’d had a different kid.

[Anonymous]

Wait till they get older! You will realize you are the lucky one. Girls are so much drama, like non stop, day and night drama, drama, drama. Moms and daughters, love and hate. As a mom to a girl you can never do right! I have a lovely teen dd and she finds fault is every single word. Someone hit her car! again 2 times in 6 months, and I showed my exasperation, new cars too! How dare I show up frustration when it wasn't her fault, it is clear that I love her brother more! She never sees that due to these accidents and her being a hesitant driver, I am in a nervous wreck anytime she drives anywhere. She never sees how much I do for her, only the negatives. I am sure not all teen DDs are the same, but I see this dynamic with my sister and me and our mom, with SIL and her DD, with other SIL and her oldest dd, with my DD's friends and their moms. She presents me is if I am a monster mom, when in fact I am trying my best.