Access to kids, why do you feel entitled?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try being divorced, then having out of town ex-ILs not tell you they're coming, then demand to have your kids while they're visiting during your time.

Not only did you not coordinate with me, your son won't allow me to switch days. So I'm either the shitty parent for not wanting to lose time with my kid, or I feel shitty because I allow them to go, and allows the jerks to walk all over me.

Oh that would be a HELL NO from me. Take them on your son’s time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

And yet, so often people like you use your control over them to deny them to others you don’t like, instead of recognizing that kids are lucky to have more people who love them.

I don't know any parents who will leave their kids with people who they don't like or don't trust. Its strange to expect that someone would hand over their kid to someone they didn't like.

Plus if the parents don't like you, why do you think that the kid is going to like you? People like these always assume that the kids want to be with them but its just the mean parents denying access. More often than not, the kids don't want the relationship either or don't like you.

I also think that people who see this as control are simply angry that they aren't getting what they want. Its not your kid, back off.

Oh, Sweetie, wake up! Your child will like/love lots of people you don’t like. “Don’t trust” is a completely different issue but “don’t like” is imposing your desires on your child. Let your poor kid have her own relationships and honor them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish someone would take my kids and give me a break for free. I swear, the stuff people complain about[/quote
Me too.]

[Anonymous]

I’m the mom, I’m in charge. If you’re nice to me and recognize that then you can see the kids.

Op I agree with you. I want loving people in my children’s lives, but if they can’t comprehend the basic rule that they have to be nice to me and work with me in order to see my kids, then they can eff off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the mom, I’m in charge. If you’re nice to me and recognize that then you can see the kids.

Op I agree with you. I want loving people in my children’s lives, but if they can’t comprehend the basic rule that they have to be nice to me and work with me in order to see my kids, then they can eff off.

Yeah, who cares if my husband wants his family to have a relationship with MY kids! They must kiss the ring if they want me to allow them access to MY property, er...kids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the mom, I’m in charge. If you’re nice to me and recognize that then you can see the kids.

Op I agree with you. I want loving people in my children’s lives, but if they can’t comprehend the basic rule that they have to be nice to me and work with me in order to see my kids, then they can eff off.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the mom, I’m in charge. If you’re nice to me and recognize that then you can see the kids.

Op I agree with you. I want loving people in my children’s lives, but if they can’t comprehend the basic rule that they have to be nice to me and work with me in order to see my kids, then they can eff off.

+100

Agreed, people are out of their minds if they think they can be rude and unkind to me and then expect me to coordinate and accommodate visits with my kid. Go eff yourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a mom of young kids (4 and 1) and I think grandparents have every right to expect a relationship and time with their grandchildren. As a parent, you can ofcourse deny them that - but absent a legitimate reason (abusive, mean or dangerous behavior), grandparents are also a child's family and can expect to have a relationship with their grandchildren.

Thank you. My parents worked hard to raise me and they deserve the reward of seeing my children. It would be an act of aggression and hostility toward them to deny them that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the mom, I’m in charge. If you’re nice to me and recognize that then you can see the kids.

Op I agree with you. I want loving people in my children’s lives, but if they can’t comprehend the basic rule that they have to be nice to me and work with me in order to see my kids, then they can eff off.

Yeah, who cares if my husband wants his family to have a relationship with MY kids! They must kiss the ring if they want me to allow them access to MY property, er...kids!

I know, I’m such a princess for demanding basic respect\s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the mom, I’m in charge. If you’re nice to me and recognize that then you can see the kids.

Op I agree with you. I want loving people in my children’s lives, but if they can’t comprehend the basic rule that they have to be nice to me and work with me in order to see my kids, then they can eff off.

Yeah, who cares if my husband wants his family to have a relationship with MY kids! They must kiss the ring if they want me to allow them access to MY property, er...kids!

It’s really very basic though. You can’t badmouth me and openly despise me and then expect I’ll let you see my kids.

I won’t tolerate it from my own family and I won’t tolerate it from DH’s family either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the mom, I’m in charge. If you’re nice to me and recognize that then you can see the kids.

Op I agree with you. I want loving people in my children’s lives, but if they can’t comprehend the basic rule that they have to be nice to me and work with me in order to see my kids, then they can eff off.

Yeah, who cares if my husband wants his family to have a relationship with MY kids! They must kiss the ring if they want me to allow them access to MY property, er...kids!

It’s really very basic though. You can’t badmouth me and openly despise me and then expect I’ll let you see my kids.

I won’t tolerate it from my own family and I won’t tolerate it from DH’s family either.

You're actually doing your kids a favor on this one. If they're hostile to your face, they're probably also making all sorts of comments behind your back, and trust me, it isn't fun to be a child under the (even temporary) charge of adults who are openly badmouthing your parents. It's really uncomfortable, at best...and not sustainable over the long-run anyways, so there's no point in having your kids invest family-time into this type of relationship.

As a child, I didn't really understand why one of my mom's siblings made snide remarks about my mom. At that point in time, it wasn't openly hostile, but it was still passive-aggressive enough that I could pick up that something was 'off' (and I wasn't a particularly sensitive or perceptive child). However, I just didn't have the social skills at that time to really know how to respond. I didn't spend a lot of time one-on-one with this relative, but the times that I did were memorably uncomfortable. As an adult, I no longer have a relationship with this relative since I have no desire to spend any time with a relative who is openly hostile to my parents.

[Anonymous]

I have a relative that is furious that I will not "give her" my kids so she can build a special relationship with them because she couldn't have kids.

While I have empathy for her not having kids, my kids do not want to spend time with her. She is overbearing, self centered and pushy and makes them feel very uncomfortable. She has poor judgement, drinks too much hard alcohol and you never know when she is slightly drunk or just behaving crazy. DH and I have declined her constant requests politely but then she will corner the kids putting them on the spot demanding to do special auntie things with them that they don't want to do. They come find us to rescue them and we say no again. She has been so pushy with them that at this point there is nothing that she could offer that would make them want to be with her alone.

DH and I finally had to tell her that they were not interested and that I wasn't going to force them. She persisted and protested so I went ahead and told her that DH and I were tired of her not taking no for answer and it was unacceptable for her to be badging our children. DH and I decided that we had to limit contact with her. She has become furious about this and has now deleted me from the family email list that she uses to control all announcements and event invitations. I could say something but I'm somewhat relieved to be off her radar and don't really care as other relatives will happily share the event info with me as she is never the host, just the controller.

I am 100% that she feels entitled to our kids simply because she wants them and has rationalized this entitlement in her mind. This is her problem to deal with on her own. DH and I are responsible for protecting our kids. We have plenty of normal relatives that they can spend time with and have normal relationships with instead of forcing them into a dysfunctional one with a crazy person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m an aunt and I have my own kids. This is a strange post. Just because you want to see your nieces and nephews and grandchildren doesn’t make you entitled. It’s pretty generous. And if you’re the kid whose grandparents, aunts and uncles spend time with you and take you places, you’re pretty lucky.

Also, if those relationships are cultivated and something happens to you, your kids then have other trusted adults in their lives to help them and support them.

No child can ever have too many people that love them.

I agree with you.

I think the word "entitled" comes in when the parents say no for some reason, and the relative gets angry and pushy.

I'm so grateful for my son's aunts and uncles. But when plans don't work out or I don't like the plan, they've never thrown a hissy fit. My FIL, on the other hand, went on an angry rant to us when we didn't allow him to drive our 4 year old around without a car seat, and again when we asked my sister to watch DS while we went on a vacation (he inexplicably expected to do it). It's entitled for him to think his relationship with DS somehow trumps our safety rules and decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a mom of young kids (4 and 1) and I think grandparents have every right to expect a relationship and time with their grandchildren. As a parent, you can ofcourse deny them that - but absent a legitimate reason (abusive, mean or dangerous behavior), grandparents are also a child's family and can expect to have a relationship with their grandchildren.

+1. I have three young kids and don’t view them as my property with regard to the grandparents, safety and abuse excluded. My times with my own grandparents were highlights of my life. I adored them and am so glad my parents fostered my relationships with them.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are so many posts about grandparents demanding access, expecting unreasonable access, or getting competitive over access to kids. Sometimes its other relatives as well. I do not understand this. Why on earth do you feel entitled to someone else's children? Kids are not objects or a prize. You clearly are not the parent.

I'm curious why this is so pervasive.

And yet, so often people like you use your control over them to deny them to others you don’t like, instead of recognizing that kids are lucky to have more people who love them.

Exactly.