Rent is Due: Am I being too hard on my daughter?

[Anonymous]

I gave my daughter every advantage in life (private school, dance, piano, art, horseback riding lessons) and it appears to be backfiring. She was in school on a full scholarship and dropped out because she did not like the culture.

I agree with the others that you need to lay down the lay and make sure that she is either full-time in school, or full-time employed. You have been too easy on her, not too hard.

OP, did you drill this concept into her when she was younger? I am not trying to imply that you did anything wrong in raising her, just asking if she knew what the social contract between parent and child was going to be after she turned 18. My kids are young teens/tweens and I am trying to set the stage for them to understand that their life will involve work, likely work that they don't like all that much most of the time, and lots of it. I grew up with immigrant working class parents. I am UMC, but want to make sure that my kids keep some of the working class values - delaying gratification, not spending money frivolously, studying and working hard. Has she given you a plan for how she sees the next few years unfolding? It doesn't have to be college, but it does need to be a path to self-sufficiency and a career of some sorts.

[Anonymous]

Look in the mirror you didn't raise properly

[Anonymous]

Control your kids, smack em if you have to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I gave my daughter every advantage in life (private school, dance, piano, art, horseback riding lessons) and it appears to be backfiring. She was in school on a full scholarship and dropped out because she did not like the culture.

I agree with the others that you need to lay down the lay and make sure that she is either full-time in school, or full-time employed. You have been too easy on her, not too hard.

OP, did you drill this concept into her when she was younger? I am not trying to imply that you did anything wrong in raising her, just asking if she knew what the social contract between parent and child was going to be after she turned 18. My kids are young teens/tweens and I am trying to set the stage for them to understand that their life will involve work, likely work that they don't like all that much most of the time, and lots of it. I grew up with immigrant working class parents. I am UMC, but want to make sure that my kids keep some of the working class values - delaying gratification, not spending money frivolously, studying and working hard. Has she given you a plan for how she sees the next few years unfolding? It doesn't have to be college, but it does need to be a path to self-sufficiency and a career of some sorts.

OP here, I honestly thought the amount of investing I did in her would automatically yield a return, so I did not drive home any particular social contract message as I was raising her. I assumed if you put in something you are guaranteed to get it back. She's only 21 so I am not writing her off, but I am concerned that everything I have given her sent an unintended message that life is easy.

[Anonymous]

If she dropped out because of culture, then ask her if she got raped. Otherwise, send her back to college on your dime. She’s the single greatest investment you will ever make and hoping for a high return on investment means hoping for a happy life for her. Don’t give up on her without asking some serious questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are more than fair.

If she doesn’t pay the rent you cut her from insurance and phone and whatever else you pay.

I do not advise dropping her medical and dental insurance. She will likely go without, which can have serious repercussions down the line. OP’s group insurance will likely be much better than what DD can afford on her own. I don’t really understand the need for life insurance when DD is single.

I definitely wouldn't drop her from my insurance-- that's way too extreme. Also, because I have the group plan, having her on the policy doesn't cost me anything extra, so dropping her would essential be out of spite. Not looking to spite her, just to thump her skull a bit.

I've never understood people who don't at least have a minimal policy (10k) on their children. I have always had policies on mine. In the event a child dies, the funeral and burial would not be free! People complain about go fund me pages being set up for people in emergencies, which is the very reason I make sure to keep insurance on my entire family

I am one of The Poors and I don't have life insurance. If my DD dies, a funeral is not really necessary. And I'd just donate her body to science. So not really any cost to me financially.

[Anonymous]

I do not think you are being hard enough. If she is not in school or training to get a better job, she needs to be working full time and learning to support herself. She needs to pay rent and do lots of work around the house to make up for the amazingly cheap rent. If she does not pay, you need to kick her out.

She can chose where she works, how she gets there all she wants. But she needs to understand that her current decisions are not enough to take care of herself and that is the goal.

[Anonymous]

It's better to teach accountability all along (e.g. give kids responsibilities in addition to privileges), but even if she needs to learn it now she still can learn it.

Boundaries and expectations are okay, both for your own sake and for hers. Once you decide rules, make sure they are measurable, so it's easy to tell whether or not they have been fulfilled (e.g. instead of "you need to help out around the house more," say "here are the chores/contributions to the household that will be your responsibility now.")

She needs to work, and obligations (rent) get paid before treats (guitar lessons and rock climbing). If it were me, I would also add $15 per week that it was late.

This young woman should be GRATEFUL that she has a safe and reliable place to live for such a low cost, and it's frankly pretty astonishing that her time is so focused on her own wants and needs instead of bending over backwards to be as helpful as possible.

I think that this is probably the definition of spoiled - not that a person has had many good things in their life, but that they have never learned how to treasure the happiness and consideration of others enough to need to do her part to make it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I gave my daughter every advantage in life (private school, dance, piano, art, horseback riding lessons) and it appears to be backfiring. She was in school on a full scholarship and dropped out because she did not like the culture.

I agree with the others that you need to lay down the lay and make sure that she is either full-time in school, or full-time employed. You have been too easy on her, not too hard.

OP, did you drill this concept into her when she was younger? I am not trying to imply that you did anything wrong in raising her, just asking if she knew what the social contract between parent and child was going to be after she turned 18. My kids are young teens/tweens and I am trying to set the stage for them to understand that their life will involve work, likely work that they don't like all that much most of the time, and lots of it. I grew up with immigrant working class parents. I am UMC, but want to make sure that my kids keep some of the working class values - delaying gratification, not spending money frivolously, studying and working hard. Has she given you a plan for how she sees the next few years unfolding? It doesn't have to be college, but it does need to be a path to self-sufficiency and a career of some sorts.

OP here, I honestly thought the amount of investing I did in her would automatically yield a return, so I did not drive home any particular social contract message as I was raising her. I assumed if you put in something you are guaranteed to get it back. She's only 21 so I am not writing her off, but I am concerned that everything I have given her sent an unintended message that life is easy.

NP here and FWIW I see this with the adult children in my neighborhood. Their parents let them have all these expensive hobbies and paid for them to go to nice places on spring break and they just have no concept of how much things cost or that you have to put in work to get them. It's one of my biggest concerns with this neighborhood that our kids will grow up with that mentality.

I would raise the rent and, since you don't need the money, set it aside for her for some future need like a house downpayment but don't tell her you're doing it. Having less money to do what she wants will hopefully prompt her to seek higher paying work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are more than fair.

If she doesn’t pay the rent you cut her from insurance and phone and whatever else you pay.

I do not advise dropping her medical and dental insurance. She will likely go without, which can have serious repercussions down the line. OP’s group insurance will likely be much better than what DD can afford on her own. I don’t really understand the need for life insurance when DD is single.

I definitely wouldn't drop her from my insurance-- that's way too extreme. Also, because I have the group plan, having her on the policy doesn't cost me anything extra, so dropping her would essential be out of spite. Not looking to spite her, just to thump her skull a bit.

I've never understood people who don't at least have a minimal policy (10k) on their children. I have always had policies on mine. In the event a child dies, the funeral and burial would not be free! People complain about go fund me pages being set up for people in emergencies, which is the very reason I make sure to keep insurance on my entire family

I am one of The Poors and I don't have life insurance. If my DD dies, a funeral is not really necessary. And I'd just donate her body to science. So not really any cost to me financially.

That’s not how donating your body to science works. My mom thought it did, until a fellow teacher’s DH did it. It was roughly $5k. If my mom hadn’t found out, I would have had a large bill. Instead, she now has life insurance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are more than fair.

If she doesn’t pay the rent you cut her from insurance and phone and whatever else you pay.

I do not advise dropping her medical and dental insurance. She will likely go without, which can have serious repercussions down the line. OP’s group insurance will likely be much better than what DD can afford on her own. I don’t really understand the need for life insurance when DD is single.

I definitely wouldn't drop her from my insurance-- that's way too extreme. Also, because I have the group plan, having her on the policy doesn't cost me anything extra, so dropping her would essential be out of spite. Not looking to spite her, just to thump her skull a bit.

I've never understood people who don't at least have a minimal policy (10k) on their children. I have always had policies on mine. In the event a child dies, the funeral and burial would not be free! People complain about go fund me pages being set up for people in emergencies, which is the very reason I make sure to keep insurance on my entire family

I am one of The Poors and I don't have life insurance. If my DD dies, a funeral is not really necessary. And I'd just donate her body to science. So not really any cost to me financially.

That’s not how donating your body to science works. My mom thought it did, until a fellow teacher’s DH did it. It was roughly $5k. If my mom hadn’t found out, I would have had a large bill. Instead, she now has life insurance.

Also, unless you've lost a child you have no idea how difficult it may be to dispose of her body to science. I lost a child and the body is precious even after the soul leaves. It was very hard putting him in the ground let alone donating him to science

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are being too hard on her op. A regular landlord isn't interested in sob stories, but a regular landlord isn't going to ride her ass about where she works, how she spends her time, or the legitimacy of her hobbies. It's interesting that you say she could "easily walk to work" when you aren't the one doing it. She has reliable public transit that she is comfortable using. There is nothing wrong with that. Her hobbies sound great, rock climbing and guitar. Is she not allowed to enjoy wholesome activities? Would you prefer she spend her time and money on alcohol and looser boyfriends?
You mention the dog, are you sure you aren't leveraging her, i.e. "Your dad and I are going out tonight, can you walk and feed the dog"? or "We're going away for the weekend, can you take care of the dog?" A regular landlord wouldn't make those requests either.
As for her lack of common sense, you raised her. I never say this, but I will now, why didn't you do your job better? Is her lack of common sense because you didn't take the time and energy to talk and listen to her? Or is she simply making choices you wouldn't. It looks like that from where I sit. You also know full well why she doesn't drive. Why not address that if it bothers you? A regular landlord wouldn't care about that either. I'd suggest you kick her out if you don't want her there, or dial back on the rent and begin teaching her the skills she lacks, or addressing the reasons why she doesn't have them. Also be aware that from my perspective, you've described a nice young woman. Be very careful that her biggest problem in life isn't you and how you treat and view her.

OP here, Oy vey! This response went wayyy off the rails! I mentioned public transportation because the metro fare is part of what eats into her pay check and her commute. When I say easily walk, I literally mean we live inches from a massive shopping mall.

I gave my daughter every advantage in life (private school, dance, piano, art, horseback riding lessons) and it appears to be backfiring. She was in school on a full scholarship and dropped out because she did not like the culture.

You seem to have some other issues going on within yourself so I'm going to leave this one alone...

My parents gave me every advantage in life, which also included private school, horseback riding (and my own horses), a car when I turned 16, fully paid for college, you name it. But I never once took any of it for granted, thought money grew on trees, or thought I "deserved" anything, including an easy life. It is possible to spoil your children without making them brats. You made a spoiled brat.

[Anonymous]

My dad did the same as OP, only 4 year a later when I was trying to buy an apartment he gave all that money back plus interest.

Now I'm sitting at my computer crying about my dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad did the same as OP, only 4 year a later when I was trying to buy an apartment he gave all that money back plus interest.

Now I'm sitting at my computer crying about my dad.

Why are you crying?

[Anonymous]

Its been 3 years. She could make that much by babysitting two nights a week. You are being way too easy on her.