Daughter calls her stepmother “mom”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hell no. I’d be furious and would put an end to it pronto. Stepmoms who are okay with this if there is an active mom in the picture have boundary issues.

You sound fun. I’m not surprised you’re divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be bother me too, but in the end be grateful she is close enough to her "bonus mom" to use that terminology. A child can never have too much love.

This. If a kid chooses to call a stepparent “Mom” or “Dad,” it would be foolish for anyone to correct that. Kids know who their parents are. And if they choose to call a stepparent a term of endearment, then great. It means they feel loved and safe and close. Those are all good things. Anyone, be it parent or stepparent, who steps in to correct that is being petty and making it about the adults. No kid asked for their parents to split up. To then try to control what labels they give the adults around them is selfish.

No, its selfish to call a parent a parent when they are not. Kids have two parents and that should be respected. They can have a good relationship with a stepparent and call them by their first name. How would you feel if you were replaced and your child called someone else mom or dad?

It’s. Not. About. You.

But. It. Is. Actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be bother me too, but in the end be grateful she is close enough to her "bonus mom" to use that terminology. A child can never have too much love.

This. If a kid chooses to call a stepparent “Mom” or “Dad,” it would be foolish for anyone to correct that. Kids know who their parents are. And if they choose to call a stepparent a term of endearment, then great. It means they feel loved and safe and close. Those are all good things. Anyone, be it parent or stepparent, who steps in to correct that is being petty and making it about the adults. No kid asked for their parents to split up. To then try to control what labels they give the adults around them is selfish.

No, its selfish to call a parent a parent when they are not. Kids have two parents and that should be respected. They can have a good relationship with a stepparent and call them by their first name. How would you feel if you were replaced and your child called someone else mom or dad?

It’s. Not. About. You.

But. It. Is. Actually.

And that’s why you are divorced. You don’t listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be bother me too, but in the end be grateful she is close enough to her "bonus mom" to use that terminology. A child can never have too much love.

I agree with this. I wish I had liked my stepmother enough to want to call her mom. It would have been much better for me. Having a bad stepmother sucks. Having a great one is wonderful, even if you also have a great mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is evil and causes so many additional issues that reverberate for generations. Dont say anything OP

I’m not going to say anything. I’d rather be the one to feel bad instead of DD.

I would be upset too, but would it help to reframe it? Think of it as people who can their in-laws mom and dad. My SILs do it to my mom and I admit it feels weird to hear it each and every time. But it certainly doesn't impact their relationship with their own moms because they're very close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is evil and causes so many additional issues that reverberate for generations. Dont say anything OP

I’m not going to say anything. I’d rather be the one to feel bad instead of DD.

I would be upset too, but would it help to reframe it? Think of it as people who can their in-laws mom and dad. My SILs do it to my mom and I admit it feels weird to hear it each and every time. But it certainly doesn't impact their relationship with their own moms because they're very close.

OP here, even though I never referred to my ex MIL as "mom", I know people who do that with their MIL's. I never really looked at it that way. Thanks for giving me another perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is evil and causes so many additional issues that reverberate for generations. Dont say anything OP

I’m not going to say anything. I’d rather be the one to feel bad instead of DD.

I would be upset too, but would it help to reframe it? Think of it as people who can their in-laws mom and dad. My SILs do it to my mom and I admit it feels weird to hear it each and every time. But it certainly doesn't impact their relationship with their own moms because they're very close.

OP here, even though I never referred to my ex MIL as "mom", I know people who do that with their MIL's. I never really looked at it that way. Thanks for giving me another perspective.

On the other hand, my MIL wanted me to refer to her as Mom and I wouldn’t. It made me very uncomfortable. I have a mother and don’t need or want a second one. That said, I liked my MIL and wanted to have a good relationship with her. But suggesting I call her Mom felt invasive and boundary crossing. Fortunately, as an adult I had enough independence to refuse this. As a child in a house with a parent’s second spouse, I would not have felt comfortable refusing and would have probably used Mom and feigned cheerfulness. So much of a divorced child’s continued relationship with a parent depends on accepting the new spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be bother me too, but in the end be grateful she is close enough to her "bonus mom" to use that terminology. A child can never have too much love.

This. If a kid chooses to call a stepparent “Mom” or “Dad,” it would be foolish for anyone to correct that. Kids know who their parents are. And if they choose to call a stepparent a term of endearment, then great. It means they feel loved and safe and close. Those are all good things. Anyone, be it parent or stepparent, who steps in to correct that is being petty and making it about the adults. No kid asked for their parents to split up. To then try to control what labels they give the adults around them is selfish.

No, its selfish to call a parent a parent when they are not. Kids have two parents and that should be respected. They can have a good relationship with a stepparent and call them by their first name. How would you feel if you were replaced and your child called someone else mom or dad?

It’s. Not. About. You.

But. It. Is. Actually.

And that’s why you are divorced. You don’t listen.

oh, but i am not. happily married for 22 years, thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a variant that you can gently suggest that would be special for them and keep “mom” for you? I kind of dig how Kamala Harris’s stepkids call her “Momala.”

+1 I'm Momica (Monica)

[Anonymous]

Curious OP, are you hearing your daughter call her stepmother mom personally or do you just know that she does it? I'd be bothered if she did it in my presence or if she did it when talking to me about her stepmother? (So mom made spaghetti last night) but if she's doing it and I don't hear it personally I wouldn't be too bothered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Curious OP, are you hearing your daughter call her stepmother mom personally or do you just know that she does it? I'd be bothered if she did it in my presence or if she did it when talking to me about her stepmother? (So mom made spaghetti last night) but if she's doing it and I don't hear it personally I wouldn't be too bothered.

In a conversation I had with her, she causally mentioned she was going shopping and to brunch with mom on Saturday. Then later in the same conversation she said when she’s with dad and mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious OP, are you hearing your daughter call her stepmother mom personally or do you just know that she does it? I'd be bothered if she did it in my presence or if she did it when talking to me about her stepmother? (So mom made spaghetti last night) but if she's doing it and I don't hear it personally I wouldn't be too bothered.

In a conversation I had with her, she causally mentioned she was going shopping and to brunch with mom on Saturday. Then later in the same conversation she said when she’s with dad and mom.

Kids can be so cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a variant that you can gently suggest that would be special for them and keep “mom” for you? I kind of dig how Kamala Harris’s stepkids call her “Momala.”

+1 I'm Momica (Monica)

That's still inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is evil and causes so many additional issues that reverberate for generations. Dont say anything OP

I’m not going to say anything. I’d rather be the one to feel bad instead of DD.

I would be upset too, but would it help to reframe it? Think of it as people who can their in-laws mom and dad. My SILs do it to my mom and I admit it feels weird to hear it each and every time. But it certainly doesn't impact their relationship with their own moms because they're very close.

OP here, even though I never referred to my ex MIL as "mom", I know people who do that with their MIL's. I never really looked at it that way. Thanks for giving me another perspective.

On the other hand, my MIL wanted me to refer to her as Mom and I wouldn’t. It made me very uncomfortable. I have a mother and don’t need or want a second one. That said, I liked my MIL and wanted to have a good relationship with her. But suggesting I call her Mom felt invasive and boundary crossing. Fortunately, as an adult I had enough independence to refuse this. As a child in a house with a parent’s second spouse, I would not have felt comfortable refusing and would have probably used Mom and feigned cheerfulness. So much of a divorced child’s continued relationship with a parent depends on accepting the new spouse.

I love my MIL and she has always been kind to me and I take care of her but when she asked me to call her mom I declined saying how much it would hurt my mom if I did that. She respected that and never brought it up again. We still had a very close relationship. I would never allow my stepkids to call me mom. They have a mom (nasty one but they still have a mom).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is evil and causes so many additional issues that reverberate for generations. Dont say anything OP

I’m not going to say anything. I’d rather be the one to feel bad instead of DD.

I would be upset too, but would it help to reframe it? Think of it as people who can their in-laws mom and dad. My SILs do it to my mom and I admit it feels weird to hear it each and every time. But it certainly doesn't impact their relationship with their own moms because they're very close.

OP here, even though I never referred to my ex MIL as "mom", I know people who do that with their MIL's. I never really looked at it that way. Thanks for giving me another perspective.

On the other hand, my MIL wanted me to refer to her as Mom and I wouldn’t. It made me very uncomfortable. I have a mother and don’t need or want a second one. That said, I liked my MIL and wanted to have a good relationship with her. But suggesting I call her Mom felt invasive and boundary crossing. Fortunately, as an adult I had enough independence to refuse this. As a child in a house with a parent’s second spouse, I would not have felt comfortable refusing and would have probably used Mom and feigned cheerfulness. So much of a divorced child’s continued relationship with a parent depends on accepting the new spouse.

As long as your kid isn't being pressured to call her stepmom "Mom," I think you just let it go. (If she tells you that she is being pressured, then that's different.) She's not going to forget that you are her mother. It stings, but it's not about whether or not she loves you or who she loves more.