Daughter calls her stepmother “mom”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would bother me but you may have to deal with it. My step mother in law wanted to be called grandma which I don't like, since we already have 2 real grandmas. She's only like 10 years older than me and is not anyone's real grandma. I remind my kids frequently who are the real grandparents.

Your kids know who their real grandparents are. You sound obnoxious. Completely different situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have any of you saying mom and dad should be reserved for the bio parents ever been the child of divorce and had stepparents?

Doesn’t sound like it. As long as it was the kid’s decision then I don’t see the issue.

Exactly, my parents got divorced and remarried and I just call everyone mom and dad. If my bio mom or dad tried to make me feel like I was doing something wrong, that would have been really hard for me to deal with, luckily my parents acted like adults and put us kids first. You don't get to decide for your kids how they feel about their mom or dad's new spouse. We get to decide that and we will decide how we want to refer to someone that is caring for us. We had it hard enough as kids....trust me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have any of you saying mom and dad should be reserved for the bio parents ever been the child of divorce and had stepparents?

Doesn’t sound like it. As long as it was the kid’s decision then I don’t see the issue.

+1 I would be so thankful my child is happy and felt so loved.

I’m one of those adults with stepparents answers multiple blended families.

My Mom wasn’t having it. We used first names for stepparents on both sides out of respect. Having a child call you mom or dad doesn’t create love.

Personally, I would probably be hurt but I wouldn’t take it to heart. Is probably start calling her Mom too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be bother me too, but in the end be grateful she is close enough to her "bonus mom" to use that terminology. A child can never have too much love.

This. If a kid chooses to call a stepparent “Mom” or “Dad,” it would be foolish for anyone to correct that. Kids know who their parents are. And if they choose to call a stepparent a term of endearment, then great. It means they feel loved and safe and close. Those are all good things. Anyone, be it parent or stepparent, who steps in to correct that is being petty and making it about the adults. No kid asked for their parents to split up. To then try to control what labels they give the adults around them is selfish.

No, its selfish to call a parent a parent when they are not. Kids have two parents and that should be respected. They can have a good relationship with a stepparent and call them by their first name. How would you feel if you were replaced and your child called someone else mom or dad?

I call my mother in law Mom, and it doesn't bother my mother. She's glad I have loving in laws who are amazing. It's a bonus mom situation for sure. How is it selfish for a child to chose that? You need to get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would bother me but you may have to deal with it. My step mother in law wanted to be called grandma which I don't like, since we already have 2 real grandmas. She's only like 10 years older than me and is not anyone's real grandma. I remind my kids frequently who are the real grandparents.

Your kids know who their real grandparents are. You sound obnoxious. Completely different situation.

My mom wishes she had PP as a daughter. I refuse to carry step grudges into the next gen myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be bother me too, but in the end be grateful she is close enough to her "bonus mom" to use that terminology. A child can never have too much love.

This. If a kid chooses to call a stepparent “Mom” or “Dad,” it would be foolish for anyone to correct that. Kids know who their parents are. And if they choose to call a stepparent a term of endearment, then great. It means they feel loved and safe and close. Those are all good things. Anyone, be it parent or stepparent, who steps in to correct that is being petty and making it about the adults. No kid asked for their parents to split up. To then try to control what labels they give the adults around them is selfish.

No, its selfish to call a parent a parent when they are not. Kids have two parents and that should be respected. They can have a good relationship with a stepparent and call them by their first name. How would you feel if you were replaced and your child called someone else mom or dad?

I call my mother in law Mom, and it doesn't bother my mother. She's glad I have loving in laws who are amazing. It's a bonus mom situation for sure. How is it selfish for a child to chose that? You need to get over yourself.

I had a great relationship with my mil. Better than my own mom and I was her primary caretaker for many years but she was my mil and not my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a variant that you can gently suggest that would be special for them and keep “mom” for you? I kind of dig how Kamala Harris’s stepkids call her “Momala.”

+1 I'm Momica (Monica)

Love it!! Clever and unique to your relationship. Well done.

[Anonymous]

Just weighing in as a stepparent whose stepkid call(s)(ed) her mom.... The CHILD made that decision, not me. And in fact, made that decision against my expressed wishes and those of her dad. We explained over and over about how she and I could have a special loving relationship that was of parent and child but why the word mom wasn't appropriate. Why it might hurt her bio mom. Why it might cause unnecessary confusion with others. Tried to come up with other cute mom-ish names. Everything we could do to try to change her mind or get around the issue. She wasn't having it. I'd been in her life since she was 7. After 2 years of saying no repeatedly, Dad and I went to a family therapist and were mortified to hear that professional advice was that I was HARMING this child by forbidding her to call me mom. That my role should be to help raise and love this kid and if she thinks of me as mom to allow that. That I was hurting her by rejecting her language and her choice about what role to assign me in her life! So at 9, we finally started allowing her call me mom but I made it clear to her that she was allowed to call me anything (except something rude lol) and that if and when she ever felt like changing it she could and that it would never bother me or hurt my feelings or change my feelings about her in any way. That I love her and always will and my name is whatever she wants it to be.

Obviously this was confusing to her friends. To our family. I got judged by neighbors and her friends parents and even the grandparents on our side. And honestly? Confusing to my work colleagues and friends. All of a sudden I've got a daughter? I was 40 and everyone knew I didn't. That in fact I had never wanted to have kids and everyone who knew me knew that! But I went along with it all. Learned not to feel odd when I heard her voice yelling out "mom" from a crowded room and realizing she was referring to me. Learned how to just instantly transform into what she wanted me to be to her rather than logical biological facts. For example, early on we were at one of my doctor's appointments and I was asked if I had had any children and I answered no and she FREAKED OUT on me and ran away from the building! Took so long to calm her down and explain that the dr was asking because of medical reasons not asking who i loved as a daughter or considered family. She was 10! Of COURSE she knew I didn't give birth to her. She wasn't confused about that. But for a number of her own reasons, this is what she needed/wanted at that time. She did not want to be referred to as my step daughter in anyway. I was married to her father but kept my maiden name. She asked me to legally change my last name to hers (which is also her fathers). I did it. Changed my own last name in my 40s so that this kid could feel safe and happy and loved by sharing the same last name. Wildly inconvenient for me. Confusing for me. Didn't like being judged by others who (understandably) thought I was "overstepping." But I did it. Not because I was trying to take her mom's place. Not because I didn't understand how hurtful it would feel to her bio mom. In fact, I knew that if/when bio mom learned of this that it would make an already difficult co-parenting situation even more difficult, which was the last thing I wanted for myself. But I did if for her.

Please realize that this whole thing is probably something your daughter WANTS (even needs) at this time in her life. (I think if she didn't want to call this woman mom, she wouldn't. You have said nothing to indicate she is being forced to do this against her will, which would obviously be wrong.) Please realize, however, that It would likely be extremely difficult for her to tell you that she asked for it or that she likes it. If asked, she might even lie and say it wasn't her idea or that she doesn't want to do it. Because she IS NOT trying to hurt you. She is trying to make her confusing life work. She is trying to normalize. She is trying to be happy and loved. In a confusing world that adults created for her by divorcing and then bringing other people into her life. And its all of our jobs to facilitate her well-being, regardless of how much it might hurt us.

Case in point: I turned my life inside out to live her reality for years. I was mom. To her. To school. To friends. To other family. To EVERYONE. And a little thing happened on the way... I became Mom. And I loved being mom. It made me feel profoundly loved. In a way I couldn't ever ever ever have imagined. It gave new meaning to my life. And now she's 15 and experiencing a lot of confusing and upsetting thoughts and feelings, which is utterly normal. And during a disagreement about cleaning her room versus playing on her phone she decided to take away my mom hood from me. Tells me she wants to stop calling me mom and call me by my first name. Because I'm not her bio mom. She has a mom and I am NOT IT.

And I have never felt so gutted in my life. Felt the floor underneath me falling out. But I smiled and reminded her that I am whoever she decides I am. That I love her. That she's important to me. But that what she calls me isn't important to me. That she can change that whenever she wants. But that she still had to clean her room. It was upbeat. It was positive. She immediately stopped calling me mom. It's been about a month and I still cry over what feels like a loss to me. IN PRIVATE. Because the same thing that was true when she was 7 is true now. IT'S NOT ABOUT ME. IT'S ABOUT HER.

I'm really sorry about how it makes you feel. But your complicated adult feelings matter less than hers right now in this situation. And as hard as it might be for you, try to realize that the person who is being called mom is very likely not trying to hurt you or take something away from you and is merely trying to give your child something that she needs/wants. And how lucky you are that your ex (who obviously has bad judgement or major issues or he wouldn't be your EX) managed to find someone decent enough that your awesome daughter likes/loves enough to find a way to accept her as a third parent in her life rather than hating her or having a miserable life while she's with your ex. This woman is a resource for your child. Try not to make her feel guilty or conflicted over that. Let your child make sense of her bifurcated life the best way she can. She loves you and you will always be her mom. As tough as it is to process... please understand and believe that the label put on that other woman in the other half of her life has nothing to do with you and takes nothing away from you. But it does give something to your child. And that's what matters. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be bother me too, but in the end be grateful she is close enough to her "bonus mom" to use that terminology. A child can never have too much love.

This. If a kid chooses to call a stepparent “Mom” or “Dad,” it would be foolish for anyone to correct that. Kids know who their parents are. And if they choose to call a stepparent a term of endearment, then great. It means they feel loved and safe and close. Those are all good things. Anyone, be it parent or stepparent, who steps in to correct that is being petty and making it about the adults. No kid asked for their parents to split up. To then try to control what labels they give the adults around them is selfish.

No, its selfish to call a parent a parent when they are not. Kids have two parents and that should be respected. They can have a good relationship with a stepparent and call them by their first name. How would you feel if you were replaced and your child called someone else mom or dad?

It’s. Not. About. You.

Exactly. You teach your kids appropriate boundaries on who is mom and dad and who is not. You may replace your spouse but you cannot replace your child's parent. I'm going to assume those ok with it are parents who got remarried and replaced their spouses and make up all kinds of nonsense about the other parent when they are to blame for the failed marriage.

Wow, you are really projecting here.

You're clearly making this all about YOU, when it should be about your child and their happiness.

Their feelings come first!

You need to speak to a therapist or meditate or something, because this angry bitterness inside of you can't be healthy for any of your relationships... including the one you have with your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just weighing in as a stepparent whose stepkid call(s)(ed) her mom.... The CHILD made that decision, not me. And in fact, made that decision against my expressed wishes and those of her dad. We explained over and over about how she and I could have a special loving relationship that was of parent and child but why the word mom wasn't appropriate. Why it might hurt her bio mom. Why it might cause unnecessary confusion with others. Tried to come up with other cute mom-ish names. Everything we could do to try to change her mind or get around the issue. She wasn't having it. I'd been in her life since she was 7. After 2 years of saying no repeatedly, Dad and I went to a family therapist and were mortified to hear that professional advice was that I was HARMING this child by forbidding her to call me mom. That my role should be to help raise and love this kid and if she thinks of me as mom to allow that. That I was hurting her by rejecting her language and her choice about what role to assign me in her life! So at 9, we finally started allowing her call me mom but I made it clear to her that she was allowed to call me anything (except something rude lol) and that if and when she ever felt like changing it she could and that it would never bother me or hurt my feelings or change my feelings about her in any way. That I love her and always will and my name is whatever she wants it to be.

Obviously this was confusing to her friends. To our family. I got judged by neighbors and her friends parents and even the grandparents on our side. And honestly? Confusing to my work colleagues and friends. All of a sudden I've got a daughter? I was 40 and everyone knew I didn't. That in fact I had never wanted to have kids and everyone who knew me knew that! But I went along with it all. Learned not to feel odd when I heard her voice yelling out "mom" from a crowded room and realizing she was referring to me. Learned how to just instantly transform into what she wanted me to be to her rather than logical biological facts. For example, early on we were at one of my doctor's appointments and I was asked if I had had any children and I answered no and she FREAKED OUT on me and ran away from the building! Took so long to calm her down and explain that the dr was asking because of medical reasons not asking who i loved as a daughter or considered family. She was 10! Of COURSE she knew I didn't give birth to her. She wasn't confused about that. But for a number of her own reasons, this is what she needed/wanted at that time. She did not want to be referred to as my step daughter in anyway. I was married to her father but kept my maiden name. She asked me to legally change my last name to hers (which is also her fathers). I did it. Changed my own last name in my 40s so that this kid could feel safe and happy and loved by sharing the same last name. Wildly inconvenient for me. Confusing for me. Didn't like being judged by others who (understandably) thought I was "overstepping." But I did it. Not because I was trying to take her mom's place. Not because I didn't understand how hurtful it would feel to her bio mom. In fact, I knew that if/when bio mom learned of this that it would make an already difficult co-parenting situation even more difficult, which was the last thing I wanted for myself. But I did if for her.

Please realize that this whole thing is probably something your daughter WANTS (even needs) at this time in her life. (I think if she didn't want to call this woman mom, she wouldn't. You have said nothing to indicate she is being forced to do this against her will, which would obviously be wrong.) Please realize, however, that It would likely be extremely difficult for her to tell you that she asked for it or that she likes it. If asked, she might even lie and say it wasn't her idea or that she doesn't want to do it. Because she IS NOT trying to hurt you. She is trying to make her confusing life work. She is trying to normalize. She is trying to be happy and loved. In a confusing world that adults created for her by divorcing and then bringing other people into her life. And its all of our jobs to facilitate her well-being, regardless of how much it might hurt us.

Case in point: I turned my life inside out to live her reality for years. I was mom. To her. To school. To friends. To other family. To EVERYONE. And a little thing happened on the way... I became Mom. And I loved being mom. It made me feel profoundly loved. In a way I couldn't ever ever ever have imagined. It gave new meaning to my life. And now she's 15 and experiencing a lot of confusing and upsetting thoughts and feelings, which is utterly normal. And during a disagreement about cleaning her room versus playing on her phone she decided to take away my mom hood from me. Tells me she wants to stop calling me mom and call me by my first name. Because I'm not her bio mom. She has a mom and I am NOT IT.

And I have never felt so gutted in my life. Felt the floor underneath me falling out. But I smiled and reminded her that I am whoever she decides I am. That I love her. That she's important to me. But that what she calls me isn't important to me. That she can change that whenever she wants. But that she still had to clean her room. It was upbeat. It was positive. She immediately stopped calling me mom. It's been about a month and I still cry over what feels like a loss to me. IN PRIVATE. Because the same thing that was true when she was 7 is true now. IT'S NOT ABOUT ME. IT'S ABOUT HER.

I'm really sorry about how it makes you feel. But your complicated adult feelings matter less than hers right now in this situation. And as hard as it might be for you, try to realize that the person who is being called mom is very likely not trying to hurt you or take something away from you and is merely trying to give your child something that she needs/wants. And how lucky you are that your ex (who obviously has bad judgement or major issues or he wouldn't be your EX) managed to find someone decent enough that your awesome daughter likes/loves enough to find a way to accept her as a third parent in her life rather than hating her or having a miserable life while she's with your ex. This woman is a resource for your child. Try not to make her feel guilty or conflicted over that. Let your child make sense of her bifurcated life the best way she can. She loves you and you will always be her mom. As tough as it is to process... please understand and believe that the label put on that other woman in the other half of her life has nothing to do with you and takes nothing away from you. But it does give something to your child. And that's what matters. Good luck.

I don’t believe a word of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hell no. I’d be furious and would put an end to it pronto. Stepmoms who are okay with this if there is an active mom in the picture have boundary issues.

Your children must be miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just weighing in as a stepparent whose stepkid call(s)(ed) her mom.... The CHILD made that decision, not me. And in fact, made that decision against my expressed wishes and those of her dad. We explained over and over about how she and I could have a special loving relationship that was of parent and child but why the word mom wasn't appropriate. Why it might hurt her bio mom. Why it might cause unnecessary confusion with others. Tried to come up with other cute mom-ish names. Everything we could do to try to change her mind or get around the issue. She wasn't having it. I'd been in her life since she was 7. After 2 years of saying no repeatedly, Dad and I went to a family therapist and were mortified to hear that professional advice was that I was HARMING this child by forbidding her to call me mom. That my role should be to help raise and love this kid and if she thinks of me as mom to allow that. That I was hurting her by rejecting her language and her choice about what role to assign me in her life! So at 9, we finally started allowing her call me mom but I made it clear to her that she was allowed to call me anything (except something rude lol) and that if and when she ever felt like changing it she could and that it would never bother me or hurt my feelings or change my feelings about her in any way. That I love her and always will and my name is whatever she wants it to be.

Obviously this was confusing to her friends. To our family. I got judged by neighbors and her friends parents and even the grandparents on our side. And honestly? Confusing to my work colleagues and friends. All of a sudden I've got a daughter? I was 40 and everyone knew I didn't. That in fact I had never wanted to have kids and everyone who knew me knew that! But I went along with it all. Learned not to feel odd when I heard her voice yelling out "mom" from a crowded room and realizing she was referring to me. Learned how to just instantly transform into what she wanted me to be to her rather than logical biological facts. For example, early on we were at one of my doctor's appointments and I was asked if I had had any children and I answered no and she FREAKED OUT on me and ran away from the building! Took so long to calm her down and explain that the dr was asking because of medical reasons not asking who i loved as a daughter or considered family. She was 10! Of COURSE she knew I didn't give birth to her. She wasn't confused about that. But for a number of her own reasons, this is what she needed/wanted at that time. She did not want to be referred to as my step daughter in anyway. I was married to her father but kept my maiden name. She asked me to legally change my last name to hers (which is also her fathers). I did it. Changed my own last name in my 40s so that this kid could feel safe and happy and loved by sharing the same last name. Wildly inconvenient for me. Confusing for me. Didn't like being judged by others who (understandably) thought I was "overstepping." But I did it. Not because I was trying to take her mom's place. Not because I didn't understand how hurtful it would feel to her bio mom. In fact, I knew that if/when bio mom learned of this that it would make an already difficult co-parenting situation even more difficult, which was the last thing I wanted for myself. But I did if for her.

Please realize that this whole thing is probably something your daughter WANTS (even needs) at this time in her life. (I think if she didn't want to call this woman mom, she wouldn't. You have said nothing to indicate she is being forced to do this against her will, which would obviously be wrong.) Please realize, however, that It would likely be extremely difficult for her to tell you that she asked for it or that she likes it. If asked, she might even lie and say it wasn't her idea or that she doesn't want to do it. Because she IS NOT trying to hurt you. She is trying to make her confusing life work. She is trying to normalize. She is trying to be happy and loved. In a confusing world that adults created for her by divorcing and then bringing other people into her life. And its all of our jobs to facilitate her well-being, regardless of how much it might hurt us.

Case in point: I turned my life inside out to live her reality for years. I was mom. To her. To school. To friends. To other family. To EVERYONE. And a little thing happened on the way... I became Mom. And I loved being mom. It made me feel profoundly loved. In a way I couldn't ever ever ever have imagined. It gave new meaning to my life. And now she's 15 and experiencing a lot of confusing and upsetting thoughts and feelings, which is utterly normal. And during a disagreement about cleaning her room versus playing on her phone she decided to take away my mom hood from me. Tells me she wants to stop calling me mom and call me by my first name. Because I'm not her bio mom. She has a mom and I am NOT IT.

And I have never felt so gutted in my life. Felt the floor underneath me falling out. But I smiled and reminded her that I am whoever she decides I am. That I love her. That she's important to me. But that what she calls me isn't important to me. That she can change that whenever she wants. But that she still had to clean her room. It was upbeat. It was positive. She immediately stopped calling me mom. It's been about a month and I still cry over what feels like a loss to me. IN PRIVATE. Because the same thing that was true when she was 7 is true now. IT'S NOT ABOUT ME. IT'S ABOUT HER.

I'm really sorry about how it makes you feel. But your complicated adult feelings matter less than hers right now in this situation. And as hard as it might be for you, try to realize that the person who is being called mom is very likely not trying to hurt you or take something away from you and is merely trying to give your child something that she needs/wants. And how lucky you are that your ex (who obviously has bad judgement or major issues or he wouldn't be your EX) managed to find someone decent enough that your awesome daughter likes/loves enough to find a way to accept her as a third parent in her life rather than hating her or having a miserable life while she's with your ex. This woman is a resource for your child. Try not to make her feel guilty or conflicted over that. Let your child make sense of her bifurcated life the best way she can. She loves you and you will always be her mom. As tough as it is to process... please understand and believe that the label put on that other woman in the other half of her life has nothing to do with you and takes nothing away from you. But it does give something to your child. And that's what matters. Good luck.

dp I wanted to read your message and I started but it is way too much Next time can you not include so many details and write clearer? Honestly, you could have been more effective writing less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just weighing in as a stepparent whose stepkid call(s)(ed) her mom.... The CHILD made that decision, not me. And in fact, made that decision against my expressed wishes and those of her dad. We explained over and over about how she and I could have a special loving relationship that was of parent and child but why the word mom wasn't appropriate. Why it might hurt her bio mom. Why it might cause unnecessary confusion with others. Tried to come up with other cute mom-ish names. Everything we could do to try to change her mind or get around the issue. She wasn't having it. I'd been in her life since she was 7. After 2 years of saying no repeatedly, Dad and I went to a family therapist and were mortified to hear that professional advice was that I was HARMING this child by forbidding her to call me mom. That my role should be to help raise and love this kid and if she thinks of me as mom to allow that. That I was hurting her by rejecting her language and her choice about what role to assign me in her life! So at 9, we finally started allowing her call me mom but I made it clear to her that she was allowed to call me anything (except something rude lol) and that if and when she ever felt like changing it she could and that it would never bother me or hurt my feelings or change my feelings about her in any way. That I love her and always will and my name is whatever she wants it to be.

Obviously this was confusing to her friends. To our family. I got judged by neighbors and her friends parents and even the grandparents on our side. And honestly? Confusing to my work colleagues and friends. All of a sudden I've got a daughter? I was 40 and everyone knew I didn't. That in fact I had never wanted to have kids and everyone who knew me knew that! But I went along with it all. Learned not to feel odd when I heard her voice yelling out "mom" from a crowded room and realizing she was referring to me. Learned how to just instantly transform into what she wanted me to be to her rather than logical biological facts. For example, early on we were at one of my doctor's appointments and I was asked if I had had any children and I answered no and she FREAKED OUT on me and ran away from the building! Took so long to calm her down and explain that the dr was asking because of medical reasons not asking who i loved as a daughter or considered family. She was 10! Of COURSE she knew I didn't give birth to her. She wasn't confused about that. But for a number of her own reasons, this is what she needed/wanted at that time. She did not want to be referred to as my step daughter in anyway. I was married to her father but kept my maiden name. She asked me to legally change my last name to hers (which is also her fathers). I did it. Changed my own last name in my 40s so that this kid could feel safe and happy and loved by sharing the same last name. Wildly inconvenient for me. Confusing for me. Didn't like being judged by others who (understandably) thought I was "overstepping." But I did it. Not because I was trying to take her mom's place. Not because I didn't understand how hurtful it would feel to her bio mom. In fact, I knew that if/when bio mom learned of this that it would make an already difficult co-parenting situation even more difficult, which was the last thing I wanted for myself. But I did if for her.

Please realize that this whole thing is probably something your daughter WANTS (even needs) at this time in her life. (I think if she didn't want to call this woman mom, she wouldn't. You have said nothing to indicate she is being forced to do this against her will, which would obviously be wrong.) Please realize, however, that It would likely be extremely difficult for her to tell you that she asked for it or that she likes it. If asked, she might even lie and say it wasn't her idea or that she doesn't want to do it. Because she IS NOT trying to hurt you. She is trying to make her confusing life work. She is trying to normalize. She is trying to be happy and loved. In a confusing world that adults created for her by divorcing and then bringing other people into her life. And its all of our jobs to facilitate her well-being, regardless of how much it might hurt us.

Case in point: I turned my life inside out to live her reality for years. I was mom. To her. To school. To friends. To other family. To EVERYONE. And a little thing happened on the way... I became Mom. And I loved being mom. It made me feel profoundly loved. In a way I couldn't ever ever ever have imagined. It gave new meaning to my life. And now she's 15 and experiencing a lot of confusing and upsetting thoughts and feelings, which is utterly normal. And during a disagreement about cleaning her room versus playing on her phone she decided to take away my mom hood from me. Tells me she wants to stop calling me mom and call me by my first name. Because I'm not her bio mom. She has a mom and I am NOT IT.

And I have never felt so gutted in my life. Felt the floor underneath me falling out. But I smiled and reminded her that I am whoever she decides I am. That I love her. That she's important to me. But that what she calls me isn't important to me. That she can change that whenever she wants. But that she still had to clean her room. It was upbeat. It was positive. She immediately stopped calling me mom. It's been about a month and I still cry over what feels like a loss to me. IN PRIVATE. Because the same thing that was true when she was 7 is true now. IT'S NOT ABOUT ME. IT'S ABOUT HER.

I'm really sorry about how it makes you feel. But your complicated adult feelings matter less than hers right now in this situation. And as hard as it might be for you, try to realize that the person who is being called mom is very likely not trying to hurt you or take something away from you and is merely trying to give your child something that she needs/wants. And how lucky you are that your ex (who obviously has bad judgement or major issues or he wouldn't be your EX) managed to find someone decent enough that your awesome daughter likes/loves enough to find a way to accept her as a third parent in her life rather than hating her or having a miserable life while she's with your ex. This woman is a resource for your child. Try not to make her feel guilty or conflicted over that. Let your child make sense of her bifurcated life the best way she can. She loves you and you will always be her mom. As tough as it is to process... please understand and believe that the label put on that other woman in the other half of her life has nothing to do with you and takes nothing away from you. But it does give something to your child. And that's what matters. Good luck.

New poster here. I am very touched that you took the time to post this. You are a great mom. She obviously loves you and you love her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be bother me too, but in the end be grateful she is close enough to her "bonus mom" to use that terminology. A child can never have too much love.

This. If a kid chooses to call a stepparent “Mom” or “Dad,” it would be foolish for anyone to correct that. Kids know who their parents are. And if they choose to call a stepparent a term of endearment, then great. It means they feel loved and safe and close. Those are all good things. Anyone, be it parent or stepparent, who steps in to correct that is being petty and making it about the adults. No kid asked for their parents to split up. To then try to control what labels they give the adults around them is selfish.

I agree with this. If it comes from the child, I think the best you can do is try and have a good relationship with the stepmom. If you both have respect with each other, she can made the corrections with the child in a trusting way. Also, if your child feels close to her stepmom, that is a good thing and any action you take to protest what your child calls her step mom may backfire.

[Anonymous]

I'm team nickname.

A stepmom to a kid that has an active mom in their lives should really try to find a nickname or have the child use their real name. Just because you married the kid's dad doesn't mean that the mom of the child stops being the child's mother.

A young child may not understand this.

Nana, Bee Bee, Dee Dee, Cee Cee, Mama (FirstName), lots of alternatives out there. But Mommy when the kid has one.... thats just selfish.