Daughter calls her stepmother “mom”

[Anonymous]

My husband’s ex pushed his daughter to call her husband “dad”. I find it weird but her step dad is actually really a good guy and treats her as his own. My step daughter lived with her dad full time for years so her mom can get her life together but both still part of her everyday life. Mother got married and step daughter moved in with her when she was in 6th grade. It would bother me if my daughter called someone else other than me “mom”.

I have a friend who got married when her daughter was 2 and she calls her stepdad “dad”. That one I can understand since she’s known him as her dad all her life and her real father was never really in the picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hell no. I’d be furious and would put an end to it pronto. Stepmoms who are okay with this if there is an active mom in the picture have boundary issues.

No. Sometimes my step kids don't want to deal with someone overhearing them call me by my first name and have to answer why when my bio kids are calling me Mama. I have no boundary problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be bother me too, but in the end be grateful she is close enough to her "bonus mom" to use that terminology. A child can never have too much love.

This. If a kid chooses to call a stepparent “Mom” or “Dad,” it would be foolish for anyone to correct that. Kids know who their parents are. And if they choose to call a stepparent a term of endearment, then great. It means they feel loved and safe and close. Those are all good things. Anyone, be it parent or stepparent, who steps in to correct that is being petty and making it about the adults. No kid asked for their parents to split up. To then try to control what labels they give the adults around them is selfish.

No, its selfish to call a parent a parent when they are not. Kids have two parents and that should be respected. They can have a good relationship with a stepparent and call them by their first name. How would you feel if you were replaced and your child called someone else mom or dad?

It’s. Not. About. You.

Exactly. You teach your kids appropriate boundaries on who is mom and dad and who is not. You may replace your spouse but you cannot replace your child's parent. I'm going to assume those ok with it are parents who got remarried and replaced their spouses and make up all kinds of nonsense about the other parent when they are to blame for the failed marriage.

Divorced mom here. My sons stepmother (also called mom) is amazing!! She is totally a partner in raising this kid. She’s so great at finding ways for him to be creative and she has a ton of patience to make elaborate LEGO structures. I’m terrible at those things. Girl can also *always* find a sale on whatever are the cool clothes of the minute. It in no way takes away from the fact that I gave birth to my son and am his real mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hell no. I’d be furious and would put an end to it pronto. Stepmoms who are okay with this if there is an active mom in the picture have boundary issues.

No. Sometimes my step kids don't want to deal with someone overhearing them call me by my first name and have to answer why when my bio kids are calling me Mama. I have no boundary problems.

Your delusional and insecure. Tell your stepchild that it doesn’t matter what people think. It doesn’t change your relationship. I am a stepmother and I can assure you that you are playing games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be bother me too, but in the end be grateful she is close enough to her "bonus mom" to use that terminology. A child can never have too much love.

This. If a kid chooses to call a stepparent “Mom” or “Dad,” it would be foolish for anyone to correct that. Kids know who their parents are. And if they choose to call a stepparent a term of endearment, then great. It means they feel loved and safe and close. Those are all good things. Anyone, be it parent or stepparent, who steps in to correct that is being petty and making it about the adults. No kid asked for their parents to split up. To then try to control what labels they give the adults around them is selfish.

No, its selfish to call a parent a parent when they are not. Kids have two parents and that should be respected. They can have a good relationship with a stepparent and call them by their first name. How would you feel if you were replaced and your child called someone else mom or dad?

Got it. A kid whose parents couldn’t figure out how to stay together get to tell their child that they’re being selfish for calling another person “Mom” or “Dad.” And what’s most important is that respect is maintained for these parents who blew up their family with divorce. That respect trumps everything, including what the child wants.

As to how would I feel? Yeah, I’d probably feel sad and maybe jealous. It would sting. But guess what? I’m the adult and sometimes I have to set my feelings aside when it comes to how my kid is cared for. If I REALLY want the best for my kid, then I want a strong network of support and love surrounding my kid. It’s just not all the grown-ups all the time.

Ok, what if it is one parent who cheats, moves in with the AP, (doesn't marry) and then has kids call AP Dad? Or vice versa? You really think that's ok and the parent cheated on should be ok with the AP not only taking their marriage away but replacing them as a parent while they get to write a huge check each month in alimony and child support?

This was my DH's situation, except that his ex-wife married the guy she cheated with. The kids call him "Dad" and it kills my DH. But he never said anything and neither did I. Unlike the "Dad" the ex- married, who basically got a great deal, a nice house, with amazing kids, I had no kids when I married DH and I sacrificed a lot personally in terms of our income, where we lived, etc. so that he could be a good father to those kids and I could be the best step-mother I could be. I love those kids like my own, but I would never have them call me "mom." They have a mom, and its not me. In this situation, I'm the one making the most sacrifices for the least acknowledgment, but it is the life I agreed to. Before I agreed to get married, I looked at myself in the mirror and acknowledged that being a stepmother was going to be the hardest thing I've ever done and that my happiness had to come from within me, not from a label or any other status. I had to be adult enough to be 4/4 in the pecking order, so I committed to that and lived it every day. Not that I've been unhappy every day, but my sacrifice goes unacknowledged to this day. Still, I know that I did the right thing. And as a mother, you have to think about what the right thing is for your kids.

One of my step-kids got married recently, and having to deal with the "Dad" label for the step-father brought up so many deep hurts that DH and I have endured and try to bury for all of these years. But you know what we didn't have? Regret. Because we bit our tongues, never called their mother on her selfishness, and let them love their mother as they should. It was hard to be the adults, but in this situation fighting for what was right was not in the best interest of the children. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I will go to my grave without anyone knowing how much it hurt at times to be 4th class in the eyes of the kids and pretty much everyone else in the world when it came to the kids.

OP, I realize that unlike you, I signed up for the situation. DH and I have kids together, and I know how much it would hurt if I heard them call anyone else "mom." I completely get it. Still, love your kids enough to keep their lives as stable as possible. The hurt won't go away, but it gets easier. A name is just a name. You are their mother in their hearts and making them feel uncomfortable about their lives with their father is only going to confuse them or make them uncomfortable. Is it worth it?

[Anonymous]

Divorce is evil and causes so many additional issues that reverberate for generations. Dont say anything OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be bother me too, but in the end be grateful she is close enough to her "bonus mom" to use that terminology. A child can never have too much love.

This. If a kid chooses to call a stepparent “Mom” or “Dad,” it would be foolish for anyone to correct that. Kids know who their parents are. And if they choose to call a stepparent a term of endearment, then great. It means they feel loved and safe and close. Those are all good things. Anyone, be it parent or stepparent, who steps in to correct that is being petty and making it about the adults. No kid asked for their parents to split up. To then try to control what labels they give the adults around them is selfish.

No, its selfish to call a parent a parent when they are not. Kids have two parents and that should be respected. They can have a good relationship with a stepparent and call them by their first name. How would you feel if you were replaced and your child called someone else mom or dad?

Got it. A kid whose parents couldn’t figure out how to stay together get to tell their child that they’re being selfish for calling another person “Mom” or “Dad.” And what’s most important is that respect is maintained for these parents who blew up their family with divorce. That respect trumps everything, including what the child wants.

As to how would I feel? Yeah, I’d probably feel sad and maybe jealous. It would sting. But guess what? I’m the adult and sometimes I have to set my feelings aside when it comes to how my kid is cared for. If I REALLY want the best for my kid, then I want a strong network of support and love surrounding my kid. It’s just not all the grown-ups all the time.

Ok, what if it is one parent who cheats, moves in with the AP, (doesn't marry) and then has kids call AP Dad? Or vice versa? You really think that's ok and the parent cheated on should be ok with the AP not only taking their marriage away but replacing them as a parent while they get to write a huge check each month in alimony and child support?

This was my DH's situation, except that his ex-wife married the guy she cheated with. The kids call him "Dad" and it kills my DH. But he never said anything and neither did I. Unlike the "Dad" the ex- married, who basically got a great deal, a nice house, with amazing kids, I had no kids when I married DH and I sacrificed a lot personally in terms of our income, where we lived, etc. so that he could be a good father to those kids and I could be the best step-mother I could be. I love those kids like my own, but I would never have them call me "mom." They have a mom, and its not me. In this situation, I'm the one making the most sacrifices for the least acknowledgment, but it is the life I agreed to. Before I agreed to get married, I looked at myself in the mirror and acknowledged that being a stepmother was going to be the hardest thing I've ever done and that my happiness had to come from within me, not from a label or any other status. I had to be adult enough to be 4/4 in the pecking order, so I committed to that and lived it every day. Not that I've been unhappy every day, but my sacrifice goes unacknowledged to this day. Still, I know that I did the right thing. And as a mother, you have to think about what the right thing is for your kids.

One of my step-kids got married recently, and having to deal with the "Dad" label for the step-father brought up so many deep hurts that DH and I have endured and try to bury for all of these years. But you know what we didn't have? Regret. Because we bit our tongues, never called their mother on her selfishness, and let them love their mother as they should. It was hard to be the adults, but in this situation fighting for what was right was not in the best interest of the children. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I will go to my grave without anyone knowing how much it hurt at times to be 4th class in the eyes of the kids and pretty much everyone else in the world when it came to the kids.

OP, I realize that unlike you, I signed up for the situation. DH and I have kids together, and I know how much it would hurt if I heard them call anyone else "mom." I completely get it. Still, love your kids enough to keep their lives as stable as possible. The hurt won't go away, but it gets easier. A name is just a name. You are their mother in their hearts and making them feel uncomfortable about their lives with their father is only going to confuse them or make them uncomfortable. Is it worth it?

The difference is your husband had time with his kids. My husband was not so lucky and no matter how much money we spent his ex refused vitiation and the judge would just tell her to do better with no consequences. No matter how hard my husband tried, he was taken out of the kids lives except for child support (expect kids were told he was a deadbeat and never paid which was far from the truth). At least your husband's ex was partly reasonable but there is an entirely different world for many dads (and some mom's too). My husband's ex was not happy with her choice. She is stuck with him for financial reasons and treated her and his kids very poorly but somehow Dad is always to blame. You may have taken the high road and done the right thing, BUT you had opportunities that many of us were denied because of the choices of the other parent. There are consequences for a parent not paying child support and free help for the parent not receiving it but a parent (who has done nothing wrong - no abuse, no neglect, did not have an affair and agreed to stay even after the affair for the kids) has no support to see his (or her kids) as there are rarely consequences for the custodial parent as people use the kids saying it will hurt the kids if there are consequences so both the kids and other parent suffer being torn apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hell no. I’d be furious and would put an end to it pronto. Stepmoms who are okay with this if there is an active mom in the picture have boundary issues.

No. Sometimes my step kids don't want to deal with someone overhearing them call me by my first name and have to answer why when my bio kids are calling me Mama. I have no boundary problems.

Your delusional and insecure. Tell your stepchild that it doesn’t matter what people think. It doesn’t change your relationship. I am a stepmother and I can assure you that you are playing games.

+1, your are not their parent and you are not helping them. They know its partly about you and your needs and they are playing the game to survive living with you.

[Anonymous]

The difference is your husband had time with his kids. My husband was not so lucky and no matter how much money we spent his ex refused vitiation and the judge would just tell her to do better with no consequences. No matter how hard my husband tried, he was taken out of the kids lives except for child support (expect kids were told he was a deadbeat and never paid which was far from the truth). At least your husband's ex was partly reasonable but there is an entirely different world for many dads (and some mom's too). My husband's ex was not happy with her choice. She is stuck with him for financial reasons and treated her and his kids very poorly but somehow Dad is always to blame. You may have taken the high road and done the right thing, BUT you had opportunities that many of us were denied because of the choices of the other parent. There are consequences for a parent not paying child support and free help for the parent not receiving it but a parent (who has done nothing wrong - no abuse, no neglect, did not have an affair and agreed to stay even after the affair for the kids) has no support to see his (or her kids) as there are rarely consequences for the custodial parent as people use the kids saying it will hurt the kids if there are consequences so both the kids and other parent suffer being torn apart

Are you the OP? I was addressing her point, and I assume that as the mother with an ex who has a spouse the kids call mom, both sides are getting time with the kids. No one was judging you at all. Why would you think that? Did I miss something?

I'm sorry for what happened with your husband and agree that the system tends to favor the mother over the father, even when the mother is selfish and blameworthy and the father is not. That's not fair.

I will say that part of the reason DH's ex gave him (us) time with the kids is so she could do her own thing with her new husband. She told people about how great it was to be kid free every other weekend, which killed me when DH and I were dealing with infertility. But to her credit, she never said bad stuff about my husband or about me either (to my knowledge) and that made our situation go more smoothly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is evil and causes so many additional issues that reverberate for generations. Dont say anything OP

I’m not going to say anything. I’d rather be the one to feel bad instead of DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is evil and causes so many additional issues that reverberate for generations. Dont say anything OP

I’m not going to say anything. I’d rather be the one to feel bad instead of DD.

God for you! It’s difficult and it is likely no one will appreciate how hard this is for you, but you are doing the right thing for your daughter. I’m sure she loves you very much.

[Anonymous]

As a stepmother, I would never want or expect my SD to call me “mom.”

If that’s what she genuinely wanted to call me on her own, I think I’d have a hard time with that unless her biological mother was really not in the picture at all. My SD is with us 80% of the time, and even though her mom isn’t the primary custodial parent and SD sees me much more, it still wouldn’t feel right for me if she called me “mom.”

That being said, it really is about the kids and how they feel, not our feelings as adults - so I think if this happened to me I would try to navigate it in the most delicate way possible.

[Anonymous]

“Mom” is not NOT not a term of endearment. Honey, sweetheart, dear, those are terms of endearment.

[Anonymous]

Mother of 4 here, and I don't think it's petty at all, and even if it is petty, than this is one of those rare times when I am ok with being petty (shrugs shoulders).

I would quickly nip it in the bud. The stepmother should not allow this. Your kids has one mother and that distinction should be clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long has this been going on?

I’m not sure, yesterday was the first time I heard her say it.

How long has stepmom been in her life?

Five years.

To the PP that asked, my daughter is almost 11.

Yes, it hurts. It’s okay to feel that. Just keep it to yourself and take comfort in the fact that she feels close to her stepmom. She knows that you’re her mother. Don’t doubt that.

Hugs to you, OP.

Meh, at 11 your kid knows better. Since she has known the stepmom for 5 years and this whole "mom" calling thing just started recently, part of me wonders if your kid is intentionally trying to get under your skin. She's at the age when the game playing starts to happen...