DH cheated but won't unfriend/block the OW on social media

[Anonymous]

OP here. Based on my last post, I need to add that yes, I did get myself tested for STD's. DH is lucky the tests were clean.

[Anonymous]

I just love how the automatic response is to divorce the DH. But please, get real. OP has a good thing going in that DH pays the bills and she doesn't have to contribute anything. She has two teens with her DH and what is going to happen if they divorce? OP isnt being abused or ill-treated. She just doesn't like that her husband holds a torch for this woman. No woman is going to want to take on a guy with two teens and same goes for a man should OP really seek a divorce. They should just stay together. -Signed, a practical woman

[Anonymous]

OP, if remaining married is the most important thing to you, then you can do that. But you should just not delude yourself into thinking that your DH is being monogamous either emotionally or physically. Plenty of people have marriages where they know the other person cheats and they basically accept that. I would ask yourself if you really can accept that or not. This in-between thing of trying to make yourself believe the BS he tells you about it being mostly just a friendship, and hoping that he will stop contacting her or caring about her when he will not, is what will drive you crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ummm. He's still seeing her. Obviously.

He says he hasn't unfriended her because their relationship/friendship is over and that he's not texted her in two years. So he thinks there's no harm in keeping her on his social media. OW appears to be done with him and has moved on. She responded dryly to his birthday messages and he says she completely ignores him (won't like his posts/pictures), so I guess that last part is also why he thinks it's ok to still keep her on his friends list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Based on my last post, I need to add that yes, I did get myself tested for STD's. DH is lucky the tests were clean.

So you would do what if he had given you an STD? Leave him? Be mad?

Why is that worse than just being in love and having sex with another woman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just love how the automatic response is to divorce the DH. But please, get real. OP has a good thing going in that DH pays the bills and she doesn't have to contribute anything. She has two teens with her DH and what is going to happen if they divorce? OP isnt being abused or ill-treated. She just doesn't like that her husband holds a torch for this woman. No woman is going to want to take on a guy with two teens and same goes for a man should OP really seek a divorce. They should just stay together. -Signed, a practical woman

In this case, she should go get herself another man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if remaining married is the most important thing to you, then you can do that. But you should just not delude yourself into thinking that your DH is being monogamous either emotionally or physically. Plenty of people have marriages where they know the other person cheats and they basically accept that. I would ask yourself if you really can accept that or not. This in-between thing of trying to make yourself believe the BS he tells you about it being mostly just a friendship, and hoping that he will stop contacting her or caring about her when he will not, is what will drive you crazy.

This is spot on. You will be choosing a life where you turn a blind eye to his emotional cheating. Which is fine if that is what you choose to do but make a choice with both eyes open and quit deluding yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The 8 years of "off and on" were because he would feel guilty, then stop because he wanted to keep his marriage. By the way, this has been gone on for a majority of our marriage.

I know you want to stay together for the kids, but it seems to me like he can't quit. If you know this has been going on for the majority of your marriage do you really believe that he won't cheat in the future? Do you still love your DH? I can understand staying together for the kids, but I think at this point, I would be out of love with my DH and just be roommates with him.

I do still love him. I don't trust him though. I'm still trying to be the best wife I can be so he will just let this woman go for once and for all. I didn't sign up for this crap when I married him.

You have a deep misunderstanding about your situation. You think that something you do, will affect how he feels about this woman and whether he will "let her go." ("trying to be the best wife I can be so he will just let this woman go."

He has clearly made a decision to use this woman to fill a need in himself (nothing to do with you). It serves some purpose for him to have this fantasy love/relationship (at best) or secret AP (at worst). After so much time, and considering his response to you recently, it is clear that he doesn't want to change this.

The only thing you can control is you. The real question is do you want to continue being married to a guy who (at best) is constantly pining after an old love? Do you want to be in a relationship where you have zero trust for your partner?

You decide whether you continue or not. You decide whether or not you want to continue loving him. By the way, love is a choice, not some uncontrollable force. Just like your DH has decided to continue loving his ideal of this other woman, you also decide to either keep loving the person he is, the person you want him to be or you decide that you stop loving him.

My DH cheated on me extensively. At his request, I tried to reconcile with him, but he could not stop his behavior. I loved him deeply. But, I decided that he was not worth that love. I told him to leave the house. I felt relieved the first day without him, when I could stop doing the "pick me" dance. But, honestly, it took about 2 years for me to stop loving him. It would have been faster had I cut off all contact (which would have been entirely justifiable). For the sake of my kids, I still have contact with him, but it's pretty minimal. The less it is, the happier I am. Now, I can't even fathom why I wasted so much time on a person who so clearly was unable to devote proper time and attention to our relationship.

I guess I need to mention that this isn't the first time he's slept with another woman. I forgave him that time because it was a one night stand with no feelings involved. This particular situation is sickening. I can't believe he loves another woman. That hurts me more than him sleeping with her.

So, OP, I'll ask the question again -- why are you staying in this relationship? What is it that you are getting out of it? A sense of martyrdom? A "normal" family cover? Financial support? Be honest about what you have.

Also, be honest about what you don't have. You don't have someone who loves you. You don't have a partner who has your back. What else don't you have.

Total it up, hard and cold, and make your choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just love how the automatic response is to divorce the DH. But please, get real. OP has a good thing going in that DH pays the bills and she doesn't have to contribute anything. She has two teens with her DH and what is going to happen if they divorce? OP isnt being abused or ill-treated. She just doesn't like that her husband holds a torch for this woman. No woman is going to want to take on a guy with two teens and same goes for a man should OP really seek a divorce. They should just stay together. -Signed, a practical woman

There is a phrase for this. It is called a Marriage of Convenience. And OP is free to chose this life.

But his heart will never be hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The 8 years of "off and on" were because he would feel guilty, then stop because he wanted to keep his marriage. By the way, this has been gone on for a majority of our marriage.

I know you want to stay together for the kids, but it seems to me like he can't quit. If you know this has been going on for the majority of your marriage do you really believe that he won't cheat in the future? Do you still love your DH? I can understand staying together for the kids, but I think at this point, I would be out of love with my DH and just be roommates with him.

I do still love him. I don't trust him though. I'm still trying to be the best wife I can be so he will just let this woman go for once and for all. I didn't sign up for this crap when I married him.

You have a deep misunderstanding about your situation. You think that something you do, will affect how he feels about this woman and whether he will "let her go." ("trying to be the best wife I can be so he will just let this woman go."

He has clearly made a decision to use this woman to fill a need in himself (nothing to do with you). It serves some purpose for him to have this fantasy love/relationship (at best) or secret AP (at worst). After so much time, and considering his response to you recently, it is clear that he doesn't want to change this.

The only thing you can control is you. The real question is do you want to continue being married to a guy who (at best) is constantly pining after an old love? Do you want to be in a relationship where you have zero trust for your partner?

You decide whether you continue or not. You decide whether or not you want to continue loving him. By the way, love is a choice, not some uncontrollable force. Just like your DH has decided to continue loving his ideal of this other woman, you also decide to either keep loving the person he is, the person you want him to be or you decide that you stop loving him.

My DH cheated on me extensively. At his request, I tried to reconcile with him, but he could not stop his behavior. I loved him deeply. But, I decided that he was not worth that love. I told him to leave the house. I felt relieved the first day without him, when I could stop doing the "pick me" dance. But, honestly, it took about 2 years for me to stop loving him. It would have been faster had I cut off all contact (which would have been entirely justifiable). For the sake of my kids, I still have contact with him, but it's pretty minimal. The less it is, the happier I am. Now, I can't even fathom why I wasted so much time on a person who so clearly was unable to devote proper time and attention to our relationship.

I guess I need to mention that this isn't the first time he's slept with another woman. I forgave him that time because it was a one night stand with no feelings involved. This particular situation is sickening. I can't believe he loves another woman. That hurts me more than him sleeping with her.

I'm trying to say this in the nicest way possible... OP, you are deluded and you don't have a backbone.

FFS.. he cheated on you more than once, and refuses to let the other woman completely go. He doesn't love you. Can you really stay in that kind of marriage?

[Anonymous]

Forget love. He doesn't even respect her enough to keep his true feelings from her.

OP, he wants you to kick him out. Within a few months he will have found a new girlfriend, and tell you that he never loved the OW this way.

He's not worth it.

[Anonymous]

OP is obviously foreign and has no other choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Forget love. He doesn't even respect her enough to keep his true feelings from her.

OP, he wants you to kick him out. Within a few months he will have found a new girlfriend, and tell you that he never loved the OW this way.

He's not worth it.

I don't think the husband *wants* to be kicked out, but I do think he doesn't respect or love OP.

OP, don't you think you deserve better? Don't you think you deserve to be loved and respected wholly and completely?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I can't believe he's still stuck on this woman from college, who I learned is the first woman he fell in love with. But he claims he wants us to stay married.

The kids are 14 and 10.

She's probably happily with someone else and he is just a fun memory. I doubt she is waiting around for him, he needs to grow up and be a Dad and husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is obviously foreign and has no other choices.

I assumed longtime SAHM with no means to financially support herself on her own.