PSA: Inviting friends/family to celebrate your birthday at an expensive restaurant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree, if you planned the event and you're the celebrant, you should pick up the tab.

If you're planning a party at a restaurant for someone else, it's fine to split but you need to be clear about it when you invite people, before they respond.

This. If you invite, you pay. Inviting people to buy you dinner for your birthday is tacky. If you're doing it for someone else, you need to be clear about how the bill will be handled upfront, so people can decline if it's not in their budget.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s tacky. My DH did that for my birthday recently. Cringe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree, if you planned the event and you're the celebrant, you should pick up the tab.

If you're planning a party at a restaurant for someone else, it's fine to split but you need to be clear about it when you invite people, before they respond.

This. If you invite, you pay. Inviting people to buy you dinner for your birthday is tacky. If you're doing it for someone else, you need to be clear about how the bill will be handled upfront, so people can decline if it's not in their budget.

+1. What I hate is not knowing what it is expected. A friend is having a milestone bday at an expensive place in a couple of weeks. From the invitation, it is unclear if they are picking up, we are all splitting, or if he thinks we are all go to cover his - which is not likely. It is also unclear how many people will attend, which to a degree influences how reasonable each option would be.

If we are paying all splitting the bill, it is going to become an expensive evening, particularly when you factor in babysitting. It really isn't how I would like to spend that much money and there would be much more reasonable ways we could celebrate this person's bday.

I guess I could explicitly ask how they intend to pay for things, but then it makes me look like I am fishing for a free meal and making clear cost is why I am declining. (Maybe the last thing isn't so bad and it would be good for people to realize that some people want to celebrate, but not when it will be hundreds of dollars, but it still puts an invitee in a weird position.)

I just wish the invite were clear and then we could proceed accordingly without wondering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree, if you planned the event and you're the celebrant, you should pick up the tab.

If you're planning a party at a restaurant for someone else, it's fine to split but you need to be clear about it when you invite people, before they respond.

This. If you invite, you pay. Inviting people to buy you dinner for your birthday is tacky. If you're doing it for someone else, you need to be clear about how the bill will be handled upfront, so people can decline if it's not in their budget.

+1. What I hate is not knowing what it is expected. A friend is having a milestone bday at an expensive place in a couple of weeks. From the invitation, it is unclear if they are picking up, we are all splitting, or if he thinks we are all go to cover his - which is not likely. It is also unclear how many people will attend, which to a degree influences how reasonable each option would be.

If we are paying all splitting the bill, it is going to become an expensive evening, particularly when you factor in babysitting. It really isn't how I would like to spend that much money and there would be much more reasonable ways we could celebrate this person's bday.

I guess I could explicitly ask how they intend to pay for things, but then it makes me look like I am fishing for a free meal and making clear cost is why I am declining. (Maybe the last thing isn't so bad and it would be good for people to realize that some people want to celebrate, but not when it will be hundreds of dollars, but it still puts an invitee in a weird position.)

I just wish the invite were clear and then we could proceed accordingly without wondering.

Then open your mouth and ask. "Hey, I'm planning some things out this month. Can you tell me what the bill is going to look like for this event?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree, if you planned the event and you're the celebrant, you should pick up the tab.

If you're planning a party at a restaurant for someone else, it's fine to split but you need to be clear about it when you invite people, before they respond.

This. If you invite, you pay. Inviting people to buy you dinner for your birthday is tacky. If you're doing it for someone else, you need to be clear about how the bill will be handled upfront, so people can decline if it's not in their budget.

+1. What I hate is not knowing what it is expected. A friend is having a milestone bday at an expensive place in a couple of weeks. From the invitation, it is unclear if they are picking up, we are all splitting, or if he thinks we are all go to cover his - which is not likely. It is also unclear how many people will attend, which to a degree influences how reasonable each option would be.

If we are paying all splitting the bill, it is going to become an expensive evening, particularly when you factor in babysitting. It really isn't how I would like to spend that much money and there would be much more reasonable ways we could celebrate this person's bday.

I guess I could explicitly ask how they intend to pay for things, but then it makes me look like I am fishing for a free meal and making clear cost is why I am declining. (Maybe the last thing isn't so bad and it would be good for people to realize that some people want to celebrate, but not when it will be hundreds of dollars, but it still puts an invitee in a weird position.)

I just wish the invite were clear and then we could proceed accordingly without wondering.

Then open your mouth and ask. "Hey, I'm planning some things out this month. Can you tell me what the bill is going to look like for this event?"

Again, this puts the responsibility on the guest. RUDE.

[Anonymous]

SIL planned a dinner for my FIL and invited DH and I, including her husband and kids.

In planning, she expected us to pick up the tab for the entire table. DH told her he wouldn't pay for her but would pay for his Dad and Mom.

She felt that because she had arranged for a present for her Dad, we should pick up the dinner tab, and decided to tell us the day of the dinner when she decided to invite us.

I couldn't go because she gave us 2 hours notice and I already had plans. The whole thing was weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SIL planned a dinner for my FIL and invited DH and I, including her husband and kids.

In planning, she expected us to pick up the tab for the entire table. DH told her he wouldn't pay for her but would pay for his Dad and Mom.

She felt that because she had arranged for a present for her Dad, we should pick up the dinner tab, and decided to tell us the day of the dinner when she decided to invite us.

I couldn't go because she gave us 2 hours notice and I already had plans. The whole thing was weird.

Which was from your DH too, or she just thought she'd done enough by buying her father a present (assuming "arranged" includes payment)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree, if you planned the event and you're the celebrant, you should pick up the tab.

If you're planning a party at a restaurant for someone else, it's fine to split but you need to be clear about it when you invite people, before they respond.

This. If you invite, you pay. Inviting people to buy you dinner for your birthday is tacky. If you're doing it for someone else, you need to be clear about how the bill will be handled upfront, so people can decline if it's not in their budget.

+1. What I hate is not knowing what it is expected. A friend is having a milestone bday at an expensive place in a couple of weeks. From the invitation, it is unclear if they are picking up, we are all splitting, or if he thinks we are all go to cover his - which is not likely. It is also unclear how many people will attend, which to a degree influences how reasonable each option would be.

If we are paying all splitting the bill, it is going to become an expensive evening, particularly when you factor in babysitting. It really isn't how I would like to spend that much money and there would be much more reasonable ways we could celebrate this person's bday.

I guess I could explicitly ask how they intend to pay for things, but then it makes me look like I am fishing for a free meal and making clear cost is why I am declining. (Maybe the last thing isn't so bad and it would be good for people to realize that some people want to celebrate, but not when it will be hundreds of dollars, but it still puts an invitee in a weird position.)

I just wish the invite were clear and then we could proceed accordingly without wondering.

Then open your mouth and ask. "Hey, I'm planning some things out this month. Can you tell me what the bill is going to look like for this event?"

Again, this puts the responsibility on the guest. RUDE.

Yes, rude. And yet, an actual reality to be DEALT WITH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can think this is tacky until you are blue in the face, but the reality is, a lot of people think this is fine and this is how they celebrate adult birthdays. It's one of those things that many people think it super rude, and many other people think is totally fine.

This is a known "thing." As an adult, I never have expectations of being treated; I always attend, ready to open my wallet and split the check evenly. When I'm treated, it's a nice surprise. If it seems like too pricey a place/too large a group for me to cheerfully split the check evenly, I decline the invitation.

Why not host at home?

Can you imagine if I held my daughter’s birthday party at SkyZone and expected all the attendees to split the bill? This is exactly the same thing. Exactly. People have just decided to embrace their own tackiness.

Again, some more, you can continue being indignant and mad about this. But it is going to continue to be a dynamic that some people think is tacky, and others are completely fine with. Plan, and accept/decline, accordingly.

There is this system called "etiquette" that determines whether it is socially acceptable or not to invite others to pay for your birthday celebration. Etiquette says it is not acceptable. As Miss Manners put it, "guests are not charged to attend parties."

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/miss-manners-no-etiquette-precedent-for-making-guests-pay-for-dinner/2018/01/23/0be99da0-f25f-11e7-97bf-bba379b809ab_story.html?utm_term=.1b2f6f3fe48f

https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-1999-04-07-9904070011-story.html

So, you can continue thinking that since "some are completely fine" with it, it is acceptable. But you will be wrong.

[Anonymous]

I agree that it's rude, and I also agree that it seems that a large number of people don't think it's rude and do it. I agree with other PPs that the problem is that it often isn't clear when the invitation is made what kind of event it will be. I also think that if the host picks an expensive place and expects everyone to pay their own way, then they should not feel offended if people decline. It also depends on the context and the invitation, and the group of friends. My close group of girl friends and meet up for dinner fairly frequently, and will try to arrange dinner for one of our birthdays. But because we all go out together all the time, the birthday dinner is just like the others and we all pay our own way. The birthday girl will probably pick the restaurant on that occasion, but she'll pick knowing the usual budget and everyone's likes and dislikes and dietary requirements.

On the other hand, a few years ago a different friend of mine wanted to celebrate her birthday with lots of people at an afternoon tea at an expensive hotel in London - tea with champagne etc would have been around $100 each. I was 26 at the time, working a low-paid job and I don't even like afternoon tea. I felt bad about it for ages but I eventually decided to decline and suggested instead that we went out together another time to celebrate her birthday. I think she was a bit offended but we did have a night out and she got over it. But the whole thing was awkward and unnecessary.

[Anonymous]

I just tell the waiter "seperate check".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The amount is not relevant. It’s who is doing the inviting. It’s a good thing my grandmother is dead, or this would kill her. Manners are dead and the responses on here prove it.

Etiquette evolves and what was standard practice back in grandma's time changes. I wouldn't blink at the thought of paying part of a birthday celebration at a restaurant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was invited to a friend's husband's retirement party. Private dining room at Capitol grill. Lots of wine, apps, etc. At the end, I was given my portion of the bill--I almost passed out. Had no idea I was expected to pay for it, and as a single mother it was definitely not in my budget. Actually ruined teh friendship, since nothing let me know in advance that I'd be expected to pay or let me bow out gracefully.

I would have handed the slip to the "friend" and walked out.

I had something similar happen to me. I BARELY had enough money to cover it. I had not ordered expensively. There was an episode of friends about this very thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The amount is not relevant. It’s who is doing the inviting. It’s a good thing my grandmother is dead, or this would kill her. Manners are dead and the responses on here prove it.

Etiquette evolves and what was standard practice back in grandma's time changes. I wouldn't blink at the thought of paying part of a birthday celebration at a restaurant.

This standard practice has not, in fact, changed. It is ok to forgo finger bowls, but it is not ok to "invite" your guests to pay for your party.

[Anonymous]

agree agree agree agree OP