PSA: Inviting friends/family to celebrate your birthday at an expensive restaurant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Doesn't it depend on the person? We usually take our parents and inlaws out for their birthdays and have to pick up the entire tab. They always pick the place and there are other presents too.

OP here. Is it their idea? Is there just a family assumption you will pay? If yes to either, then yes, tacky. If you offer/insist without any expectation on their part, it’s fine.

I’m talking about BIL inviting family to a restaurant of his choosing on a day/time of his choosing in honor of “his birthday” and running up the tab with apps and alcohol and expecting everyone to just blindly toss a credit card in at the end.

Your BIL is a boor. Does no one say anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So your friend’s B-day is not worth $50? They are better off without you. It’s seems a little narcissistic of you to think they should pay for the pleasure of your company.

I wouldn't pay $50 for a regular meal so I wouldn't spend it on my friend's b-day either. They invited, they pay. If you invite, you pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree, if you planned the event and you're the celebrant, you should pick up the tab.

If you're planning a party at a restaurant for someone else, it's fine to split but you need to be clear about it when you invite people, before they respond.

This. If you invite, you pay. Inviting people to buy you dinner for your birthday is tacky. If you're doing it for someone else, you need to be clear about how the bill will be handled upfront, so people can decline if it's not in their budget.

+1. What I hate is not knowing what it is expected. A friend is having a milestone bday at an expensive place in a couple of weeks. From the invitation, it is unclear if they are picking up, we are all splitting, or if he thinks we are all go to cover his - which is not likely. It is also unclear how many people will attend, which to a degree influences how reasonable each option would be.

If we are paying all splitting the bill, it is going to become an expensive evening, particularly when you factor in babysitting. It really isn't how I would like to spend that much money and there would be much more reasonable ways we could celebrate this person's bday.

I guess I could explicitly ask how they intend to pay for things, but then it makes me look like I am fishing for a free meal and making clear cost is why I am declining. (Maybe the last thing isn't so bad and it would be good for people to realize that some people want to celebrate, but not when it will be hundreds of dollars, but it still puts an invitee in a weird position.)

I just wish the invite were clear and then we could proceed accordingly without wondering.

+1. The bolded is the issue. There's nothing inherently wrong with a group of friends deciding to go out and split the bill. The rudeness comes in when people think they're being hosted to an event and then get handed the bill. Just be clear up front so people can decide.

Personally, whenever my husband and I invite people to celebrate, then we pick up the tab. It might be at home (usually) or sometimes at a restaurant, but if we pick the location and invite people to celebrate our family's birthdays, then we're paying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The amount is not relevant. It’s who is doing the inviting. It’s a good thing my grandmother is dead, or this would kill her. Manners are dead and the responses on here prove it.

Etiquette evolves and what was standard practice back in grandma's time changes. I wouldn't blink at the thought of paying part of a birthday celebration at a restaurant.

This standard practice has not, in fact, changed. It is ok to forgo finger bowls, but it is not ok to "invite" your guests to pay for your party.

And.
Yet.
It.
Is.
A.
Reality.
To.
Be.
Dealt.
With.
As.
Evidenced.
By.
This.
Thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you can think this is tacky until you are blue in the face, but the reality is, a lot of people think this is fine and this is how they celebrate adult birthdays. It's one of those things that many people think it super rude, and many other people think is totally fine.

This is a known "thing." As an adult, I never have expectations of being treated; I always attend, ready to open my wallet and split the check evenly. When I'm treated, it's a nice surprise. If it seems like too pricey a place/too large a group for me to cheerfully split the check evenly, I decline the invitation.

Why not host at home?

Can you imagine if I held my daughter’s birthday party at SkyZone and expected all the attendees to split the bill? This is exactly the same thing. Exactly. People have just decided to embrace their own tackiness.

Again, some more, you can continue being indignant and mad about this. But it is going to continue to be a dynamic that some people think is tacky, and others are completely fine with. Plan, and accept/decline, accordingly.

There is this system called "etiquette" that determines whether it is socially acceptable or not to invite others to pay for your birthday celebration. Etiquette says it is not acceptable. As Miss Manners put it, "guests are not charged to attend parties."

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/miss-manners-no-etiquette-precedent-for-making-guests-pay-for-dinner/2018/01/23/0be99da0-f25f-11e7-97bf-bba379b809ab_story.html?utm_term=.1b2f6f3fe48f

https://www.chicagotribune.com/news/ct-xpm-1999-04-07-9904070011-story.html

So, you can continue thinking that since "some are completely fine" with it, it is acceptable. But you will be wrong.

Well, the problem must be solved, if many people are wrong! It must be entirely fixed, then. Good job, OP! This is no longer a tricky-yet-actual dynamic that people will encounter multiple times going forward.

Well done! By complaining about it, ya done fixed it!

[Anonymous]

I have no problem declining if the restaurant is out of our price range.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The amount is not relevant. It’s who is doing the inviting. It’s a good thing my grandmother is dead, or this would kill her. Manners are dead and the responses on here prove it.

Etiquette evolves and what was standard practice back in grandma's time changes. I wouldn't blink at the thought of paying part of a birthday celebration at a restaurant.

This standard practice has not, in fact, changed. It is ok to forgo finger bowls, but it is not ok to "invite" your guests to pay for your party.

And.
Yet.
It.
Is.
A.
Reality.
To.
Be.
Dealt.
With.
As.
Evidenced.
By.
This.
Thread.

The reality of how people behave has nothing to do with the correct etiquette. Which has not changed.

Poor behavior doesn’t change etiquette.

[Anonymous]

You know, the world is so full of completely self-centered adults who actually think their birthday or retirement is worth other people spending so much money on just to attend it.

It's ridiculous.

Great, it's your birthday, or it's your retirement, what are you now, a diva? Everyone has to spend lots of money to celebrate you??

Why?

[Anonymous]

The only important point is to be very clear beforehand who pays for what.

The rest is unimportant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The amount is not relevant. It’s who is doing the inviting. It’s a good thing my grandmother is dead, or this would kill her. Manners are dead and the responses on here prove it.

Etiquette evolves and what was standard practice back in grandma's time changes. I wouldn't blink at the thought of paying part of a birthday celebration at a restaurant.

This standard practice has not, in fact, changed. It is ok to forgo finger bowls, but it is not ok to "invite" your guests to pay for your party.

And.
Yet.
It.
Is.
A.
Reality.
To.
Be.
Dealt.
With.
As.
Evidenced.
By.
This.
Thread.

The reality of how people behave has nothing to do with the correct etiquette. Which has not changed.

Poor behavior doesn’t change etiquette.

But that is exactly how customs/manners change and it has changed, or better said, we are in the midst of change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The amount is not relevant. It’s who is doing the inviting. It’s a good thing my grandmother is dead, or this would kill her. Manners are dead and the responses on here prove it.

Etiquette evolves and what was standard practice back in grandma's time changes. I wouldn't blink at the thought of paying part of a birthday celebration at a restaurant.

This standard practice has not, in fact, changed. It is ok to forgo finger bowls, but it is not ok to "invite" your guests to pay for your party.

And.
Yet.
It.
Is.
A.
Reality.
To.
Be.
Dealt.
With.
As.
Evidenced.
By.
This.
Thread.

The reality of how people behave has nothing to do with the correct etiquette. Which has not changed.

Poor behavior doesn’t change etiquette.

But that is exactly how customs/manners change and it has changed, or better said, we are in the midst of change.

Not really. The point of etiquette is to make people comfortable, to keep the wheels of social interaction greased so that everyone is at ease and feels accepted. It helps us show respect and consideration to others and makes others glad that we are with them.

The behavior described here is the opposite of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The amount is not relevant. It’s who is doing the inviting. It’s a good thing my grandmother is dead, or this would kill her. Manners are dead and the responses on here prove it.

Etiquette evolves and what was standard practice back in grandma's time changes. I wouldn't blink at the thought of paying part of a birthday celebration at a restaurant.

This standard practice has not, in fact, changed. It is ok to forgo finger bowls, but it is not ok to "invite" your guests to pay for your party.

And.
Yet.
It.
Is.
A.
Reality.
To.
Be.
Dealt.
With.
As.
Evidenced.
By.
This.
Thread.

The reality of how people behave has nothing to do with the correct etiquette. Which has not changed.

Poor behavior doesn’t change etiquette.

Right, it is rude. I agree with you; it is not proper etiquette.

***And yet it will keep happening. So accept or decline, and plan accordingly.****

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The amount is not relevant. It’s who is doing the inviting. It’s a good thing my grandmother is dead, or this would kill her. Manners are dead and the responses on here prove it.

Etiquette evolves and what was standard practice back in grandma's time changes. I wouldn't blink at the thought of paying part of a birthday celebration at a restaurant.

This standard practice has not, in fact, changed. It is ok to forgo finger bowls, but it is not ok to "invite" your guests to pay for your party.

And.
Yet.
It.
Is.
A.
Reality.
To.
Be.
Dealt.
With.
As.
Evidenced.
By.
This.
Thread.

The reality of how people behave has nothing to do with the correct etiquette. Which has not changed.

Poor behavior doesn’t change etiquette.

Right, it is rude. I agree with you; it is not proper etiquette.

***And yet it will keep happening. So accept or decline, and plan accordingly.****

We d r have to accept rude behavior just because you say so or because it will “keep happening.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was invited to a friend's husband's retirement party. Private dining room at Capitol grill. Lots of wine, apps, etc. At the end, I was given my portion of the bill--I almost passed out. Had no idea I was expected to pay for it, and as a single mother it was definitely not in my budget. Actually ruined teh friendship, since nothing let me know in advance that I'd be expected to pay or let me bow out gracefully.

this one wins. Holy sh!t!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your friend’s B-day is not worth $50? They are better off without you. It’s seems a little narcissistic of you to think they should pay for the pleasure of your company.

I don't think you understand expensive if you think it's $50.
I've been in this situation and with the alcohol and all that more like $300. Yeah, don't spend my money for me.

+1, plus most restaurants add an automatic gratuity when the party goes over 6 people, so add that 20%, plus tax, plus often in these cases people don't include the birthday person in the sum so if there are 20 people there it is split among 19 people vs 20, add any alcohol and keep in mind unless you're add Applebees/Chilis, etc the average cost of an entree is over $25, it is super easy to go over $100+ per person. If you and your spouse go, that's 2 x $100 or more.

I cannot stand these kind of parties. if you host, you pay. Period.