PSA: Inviting friends/family to celebrate your birthday at an expensive restaurant

[Anonymous]

This happens a lot to me- we go up to visit parents or inlaws for their birthday. They want to go out to eat (there's no alternative, because we can't cook for them when we're traveling). Then they invite a lot of other people. Then the bill comes and we pay. Should they pay or us? Everyone hops on our bill, even our siblings. It makes us not want to visit parents for their birthdays. We have 2 in daycare and don't make as much as our parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happens a lot to me- we go up to visit parents or inlaws for their birthday. They want to go out to eat (there's no alternative, because we can't cook for them when we're traveling). Then they invite a lot of other people. Then the bill comes and we pay. Should they pay or us? Everyone hops on our bill, even our siblings. It makes us not want to visit parents for their birthdays. We have 2 in daycare and don't make as much as our parents.

Why are you paying? How does that even happen that you aren't saying ok everyone it's $22 per person? Please open your eyes to the role you and your spouse are playing in this. You decided to pay the bill for everyone rather than risk upsetting anyone. Your choice.

Your spouse either tells his siblings that he got the bill last year so who's picking it up this year, or you decide to stop these large group outings. Or you keep going and paying, but understand that it's your choice and you're an active participant in this decision for you and your spouse to keep paying.

[Anonymous]

I honestly don't mind this. I know it's tacky according to the etiquette rules, but if you want to go out to dinner with a group on your birthday and you invite me, I don't expect you to pay for me. I do think it's nice if the birthday man/woman buys a round of drinks for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happens a lot to me- we go up to visit parents or inlaws for their birthday. They want to go out to eat (there's no alternative, because we can't cook for them when we're traveling). Then they invite a lot of other people. Then the bill comes and we pay. Should they pay or us? Everyone hops on our bill, even our siblings. It makes us not want to visit parents for their birthdays. We have 2 in daycare and don't make as much as our parents.

What in the world? Why are you reaching for the check?

[Anonymous]

Of course it's vulgar. Whomever does the inviting pays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happens a lot to me- we go up to visit parents or inlaws for their birthday. They want to go out to eat (there's no alternative, because we can't cook for them when we're traveling). Then they invite a lot of other people. Then the bill comes and we pay. Should they pay or us? Everyone hops on our bill, even our siblings. It makes us not want to visit parents for their birthdays. We have 2 in daycare and don't make as much as our parents.

Why are you paying? How does that even happen that you aren't saying ok everyone it's $22 per person? Please open your eyes to the role you and your spouse are playing in this. You decided to pay the bill for everyone rather than risk upsetting anyone. Your choice.

Your spouse either tells his siblings that he got the bill last year so who's picking it up this year, or you decide to stop these large group outings. Or you keep going and paying, but understand that it's your choice and you're an active participant in this decision for you and your spouse to keep paying.

THIS. Act like a doormat all you want, just don't complain when people walk all over you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The amount is not relevant. It’s who is doing the inviting. It’s a good thing my grandmother is dead, or this would kill her. Manners are dead and the responses on here prove it.

Etiquette evolves and what was standard practice back in grandma's time changes. I wouldn't blink at the thought of paying part of a birthday celebration at a restaurant.

This standard practice has not, in fact, changed. It is ok to forgo finger bowls, but it is not ok to "invite" your guests to pay for your party.

And.
Yet.
It.
Is.
A.
Reality.
To.
Be.
Dealt.
With.
As.
Evidenced.
By.
This.
Thread.

The reality of how people behave has nothing to do with the correct etiquette. Which has not changed.

Poor behavior doesn’t change etiquette.

Right, it is rude. I agree with you; it is not proper etiquette.

***And yet it will keep happening. So accept or decline, and plan accordingly.****

We d r have to accept rude behavior just because you say so or because it will “keep happening.”

OK, so it will stop happening just because you say it should? GREAT!

Let's fix racism: It's wrong, and it shouldn't happen. FIXED!

Let's fix sexism: It's wrong, and it shouldn't happen. FIXED!

YAY! When we point out unfair or rude behavior, it is fixed because we say it shouldn't occur. Let's go out and act like there is no rudeness or injustice in the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The amount is not relevant. It’s who is doing the inviting. It’s a good thing my grandmother is dead, or this would kill her. Manners are dead and the responses on here prove it.

Etiquette evolves and what was standard practice back in grandma's time changes. I wouldn't blink at the thought of paying part of a birthday celebration at a restaurant.

This standard practice has not, in fact, changed. It is ok to forgo finger bowls, but it is not ok to "invite" your guests to pay for your party.

And.
Yet.
It.
Is.
A.
Reality.
To.
Be.
Dealt.
With.
As.
Evidenced.
By.
This.
Thread.

The reality of how people behave has nothing to do with the correct etiquette. Which has not changed.

Poor behavior doesn’t change etiquette.

Right, it is rude. I agree with you; it is not proper etiquette.

***And yet it will keep happening. So accept or decline, and plan accordingly.****

We d r have to accept rude behavior just because you say so or because it will “keep happening.”

OK, so it will stop happening just because you say it should? GREAT!

Let's fix racism: It's wrong, and it shouldn't happen. FIXED!

Let's fix sexism: It's wrong, and it shouldn't happen. FIXED!

YAY! When we point out unfair or rude behavior, it is fixed because we say it shouldn't occur. Let's go out and act like there is no rudeness or injustice in the world.

Your post makes absolutely no sense. Are you suggesting we should accept rudeness and racism because those behaviors have not been fixed yet and therefore will never be??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The amount is not relevant. It’s who is doing the inviting. It’s a good thing my grandmother is dead, or this would kill her. Manners are dead and the responses on here prove it.

Etiquette evolves and what was standard practice back in grandma's time changes. I wouldn't blink at the thought of paying part of a birthday celebration at a restaurant.

This standard practice has not, in fact, changed. It is ok to forgo finger bowls, but it is not ok to "invite" your guests to pay for your party.

And.
Yet.
It.
Is.
A.
Reality.
To.
Be.
Dealt.
With.
As.
Evidenced.
By.
This.
Thread.

The reality of how people behave has nothing to do with the correct etiquette. Which has not changed.

Poor behavior doesn’t change etiquette.

Right, it is rude. I agree with you; it is not proper etiquette.

***And yet it will keep happening. So accept or decline, and plan accordingly.****

We d r have to accept rude behavior just because you say so or because it will “keep happening.”

OK, so it will stop happening just because you say it should? GREAT!

Let's fix racism: It's wrong, and it shouldn't happen. FIXED!

Let's fix sexism: It's wrong, and it shouldn't happen. FIXED!

YAY! When we point out unfair or rude behavior, it is fixed because we say it shouldn't occur. Let's go out and act like there is no rudeness or injustice in the world.

Your post makes absolutely no sense. Are you suggesting we should accept rudeness and racism because those behaviors have not been fixed yet and therefore will never be??

No. I am saying *rude and unacceptable behaviors don't just disappear because you say they or rude and unacceptable.* If you want to change those behaviors, you have to challenge them. And if you challenge but don't succeed, you need to remove yourself from the relationship or the scenario.

OP is the guy who accepts invites, knowing full well that certain people operate this way (inviting others to celebrate, then expecting to split the bill), says NOTHING to the friend/friends in question, pays his way, then goes home and seethes.

DON'T HANG OUT WITH THESE PEOPLE, THEN!

ASK HOW THE BILL WILL BE HANDLED AHEAD OF TIME, THEN!

But oh no. He's only confrontational and direct as an Anonymous poster on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The amount is not relevant. It’s who is doing the inviting. It’s a good thing my grandmother is dead, or this would kill her. Manners are dead and the responses on here prove it.

I agree with you that it is tacky. I agree with you that my grandparents' generation didn't operate this way.

But here's what: it is JUST as tacky to accept an invitation and then bitch and moan about it.

This is a dynamic that IS. About half the poplulation thinks it is tacky and would never, and the other half thinks it is fine and does it. That's where we're at, buddy. Accept or decline.

But the invitation was a bait and switch (assuming it was phrased in such a way that it sounded like BIL was paying)