How hard to find a 1/2 time boyfriend in early 40s?

[Anonymous]

Not another one! LOL

PP--why do you think you are entitled to an "exclusive relationship with a guy with no expectation of marriage"? Why do you think any remotely desirable male would ever agree to such a thing?

If it's clear you have no expectation of marriage, then by definition, you are saying the relationship is temporary, and intended to be temporary. Why on Earth do you think you are entitled to "exclusivity" from the guy?

You will either end up with guys who are lying to you, and not really "exclusive" (just like you're lying to them, since you seem to have run through a lot of these relationships); or guys who are only investing the time with you in the hopes that they can change your mind (only to be disappointed).

This keeps happening to you, yet, you find fault with the guys, and don't understand what's happening.

What's happening is that even though you SAY you don't want a committed relationship, merely by insisting on exclusivity, (and probably in other ways), you are signalling to these guys that you are at least open to the possibility, when you're really not.

That's called "bait and switch."

Your use of the word “entitled” is interesting here. It makes you seem angry. No where did I suggest that I’m entitled to anything. I don’t expect anything from my dates, but there are a few things that I do insist on....that’s honesty, maturity, and independence. I’m too intelligent to pretend these qualities are common or that they are some sort of given that I should assume will be present in another person.

When I date, once I’ve gotten to the point that I am considering a sexual relationship with a man we have a conversation about what we want. I’m honest. Even in my profile, I say that I’m not interested in marriage, but am ideally looking for long term exclusive. If someone struggles with understanding that, I’m happy to talk more. I was married for nearly 20 years. I’ve got two kids I plan to put through college. I have my financial crap together, own my home, have a great job. I’m not mixing my household with anyone any time in the next 15+ years (until my kids are done with college).

Your comment makes it seem like you have a hard time understanding commitment without marriage. If you are divorced, you should understand that marriage doesn’t guarantee anything. ALL relationships are temporary. They only work so long as both people are interested in staying in the relationship. It isn’t bait and switch for a woman to tell a man that she has no interest in marriage but is looking for a long term exclusive relationship.

Genuinely curious why this is hard for you to grasp? Or why it feels dishonest to you?

[Anonymous]

As long as your plans include sex you shouldn’t have any problems finding someone for that arrangement.

[Anonymous]

OP here: I am not divorced. I want a divorce. I never want another man to meet my children. I will never live with a man or commingle my finances ever again. I would like to once in awhile get some action but not involve my kids ever. I would think some divorced men would never want to marry again and seek a similar arrangement. Would not have to last forever. I think it is possible but I think it would be hard to find...I am not ever seeking a full time full out relationship. Annoying at the suggestion I would wait until kids go to college. Um, no. Marriage was the biggest mistake of my life, I’ve waited far too long, and any action would be better then the sexless marriage I have had (many many years...most of the marriage without it).

[Anonymous]

No one is saying OP has to be interested in marrying the guy. That's not the point.

The point is that OP is probably delusional if she goes into a relationship KNOWING that she wants it to be casual and non-serious from the get-go, yet having this expectation that she is going to find a DESIRABLE man who will agree to "exclusivity."

What does that even mean? He has to be "exclusive" until she decides she wants to dump him or date someone else? She alone gets that option?
ridiculous.

OP is a divorced woman in her 40's who apparently just wants casual sex. Fine. Casual sex is inherently "non-exclusive" sex. That doesn't mean the other person or OP is having sex with someone else simultaneously, or all the time. It does mean she is making it very obvious she will dump the guy as soon as a "better option" comes along.

Why should any guy agree to foreclose any of his other options just for OP's convenience? (Even if a guy seems to agree to this, he's probably just a liar, or has no other options.)

I think there is one very angry divorced man posting a lot on this thread. Based on what he is saying, OP, the only way to date a quality man is to make it clear you want to marry him. Because if you don’t want marriage, you are clearly just a slut who will never find a quality man.

to the angry man : commitment does not require marriage. There are adults who decide to be together without legal or religious ceremonies. They aren’t actively looking for better options. This might not be you, and that’s ok. However, you shouldn’t act like the concept is so foreign to you, it makes you seem small minded and misogynistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I am not divorced. I want a divorce. I never want another man to meet my children. I will never live with a man or commingle my finances ever again. I would like to once in awhile get some action but not involve my kids ever. I would think some divorced men would never want to marry again and seek a similar arrangement. Would not have to last forever. I think it is possible but I think it would be hard to find...I am not ever seeking a full time full out relationship. Annoying at the suggestion I would wait until kids go to college. Um, no. Marriage was the biggest mistake of my life, I’ve waited far too long, and any action would be better then the sexless marriage I have had (many many years...most of the marriage without it).

Mid-40s soon to be divorced man and you sound ideal. I have several friends who are also attractive and successful and they are also looking for nothing more than casual fun, sex and companionship. I don't think you will have any problems

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I am not divorced. I want a divorce. I never want another man to meet my children. I will never live with a man or commingle my finances ever again. I would like to once in awhile get some action but not involve my kids ever. I would think some divorced men would never want to marry again and seek a similar arrangement. Would not have to last forever. I think it is possible but I think it would be hard to find...I am not ever seeking a full time full out relationship. Annoying at the suggestion I would wait until kids go to college. Um, no. Marriage was the biggest mistake of my life, I’ve waited far too long, and any action would be better then the sexless marriage I have had (many many years...most of the marriage without it).

Mid-40s soon to be divorced man and you sound ideal. I have several friends who are also attractive and successful and they are also looking for nothing more than casual fun, sex and companionship. I don't think you will have any problems

PP here, I went back and read the whole thread and one comment to the above - I think it will be a little harder than you think if you want exclusivity/monogamy but only a few times a month. Certainly, those men exist and especially single dads who prioritize their children. But you will have many more options if you are open to being casual with someone who may also have others from time to time. I think you will get more mileage having men be honest with you about who else they are seeing for the 26 days a month you aren't together.

Again, there is a pot for every lid so no question you can find what you are looking for. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I’m the PP who has this exact arrangement. I doubt I found a unicorn, I’m sure there are plenty of other “quality” guys out there who are busy with work and raising their kids, who also have no desire to remarry but want someone to hang out with and sleep with. Just because people are exclusive and monogamous doesn’t mean they are falling in love or moving toward marriage or cohabitation. There can be fun, companionship and sex without deeper feelings. I think the married folks are having a hard time understanding this.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think its quite possible to find what you are looking for. Back when I was single, in fact, I dated a guy who wanted what you want--stable, monogamous but not too serious. He was just not interested in marriage or in sharing all of his life, but liked companionship, sex, etc.

I think the real issue is that this kind of relationship can last a while-maybe a couple years--but usually fade for one reason or another--either the desirability dwindles without the corresponding increase in intimacy that makes up for same old same; someone wants more either from partner or someone else; you meet someone more exciting. But if you want sex, companionship but limited relationship, you should be able to find it, for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, 40's divorced dad here. This is me

50s divorced dad - me too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, this is harder than You’d think. I’m you. Divorced, have 2 older elementary kids. I want a regular exclusive relationship with a guy with no expectation of marriage. Just fabulous sex and fun when we are together... no meeting my kids, no meeting his kids.

This is easy to find for a few months. Then around the 3-4 month mark, they all start falling in love. Want to meet kids. Talk marriage. Uggggghhhh. Sorry, I don’t want that.

Mark my word. The men fall hard and fast, and they are needy and want someone to take care of them.

I’m in this demographic and I find women do the same. I do acknowledge that it has a time limit because you’re asking the other person to not be with someone else but not fall in love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am wondering how difficult it would be to find a half-time boyfriend...or do people not do that? I am early 40s, planning a divorce, and have kids. I do not want to remarry. What I would like is a man to spend time with when I am not with my kids. I do not want to get married again and I do not want to mix a boyfriend with my kids. Maybe I will feel different about that in 10-15 years. I feel that maybe I would find a divorced man with kids who felt the same way (wanting to spend time with a woman but not involve kids). Is this possible or unrealistic? Yes, I am attractive and in the DC area.

Man here. I am divorced with 50/50 custody. I feel exactly the same way - do not want to remarry, do not want to mix girlfriend with kids. I especially do not want to move in with a divorced woman who has kids and try and do the Brady Bunch thing. So yes your desire is realistic.

This ! Divorced guy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I am not divorced. I want a divorce. I never want another man to meet my children. I will never live with a man or commingle my finances ever again. I would like to once in awhile get some action but not involve my kids ever. I would think some divorced men would never want to marry again and seek a similar arrangement. Would not have to last forever. I think it is possible but I think it would be hard to find...I am not ever seeking a full time full out relationship. Annoying at the suggestion I would wait until kids go to college. Um, no. Marriage was the biggest mistake of my life, I’ve waited far too long, and any action would be better then the sexless marriage I have had (many many years...most of the marriage without it).

With all due respect, you're not in a situation to discuss your long-term interests, you're saying what you're able to consider now. Anybody can find short term fb and you can too. Beyond that, it's an issue of you coming to grips with your divorce and what you want. I'm a 41yo divorced guy who divorced 4 years ago. I was happy to be non-exclusive for a bit and maintained that for a couple of years. But I wanted a deep committed relationship and found that with another divorcee. I would never have considered a relationship that didn't lead us to meeting each others' kids, because I couldn't care about her and not care about her daughter. It may be a while but please don't confuse your immediate reluctance to recommit with your actual desires.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I am not divorced. I want a divorce. I never want another man to meet my children. I will never live with a man or commingle my finances ever again. I would like to once in awhile get some action but not involve my kids ever. I would think some divorced men would never want to marry again and seek a similar arrangement. Would not have to last forever. I think it is possible but I think it would be hard to find...I am not ever seeking a full time full out relationship. Annoying at the suggestion I would wait until kids go to college. Um, no. Marriage was the biggest mistake of my life, I’ve waited far too long, and any action would be better then the sexless marriage I have had (many many years...most of the marriage without it).

With all due respect, you're not in a situation to discuss your long-term interests, you're saying what you're able to consider now. Anybody can find short term fb and you can too. Beyond that, it's an issue of you coming to grips with your divorce and what you want. I'm a 41yo divorced guy who divorced 4 years ago. I was happy to be non-exclusive for a bit and maintained that for a couple of years. But I wanted a deep committed relationship and found that with another divorcee. I would never have considered a relationship that didn't lead us to meeting each others' kids, because I couldn't care about her and not care about her daughter. It may be a while but please don't confuse your immediate reluctance to recommit with your actual desires.

OP here: Another man will never meet my kids until they are out of the house. That is 14 years away. I will never share living space or finances again. I know what my desires are for at least the next 14 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I am not divorced. I want a divorce. I never want another man to meet my children. I will never live with a man or commingle my finances ever again. I would like to once in awhile get some action but not involve my kids ever. I would think some divorced men would never want to marry again and seek a similar arrangement. Would not have to last forever. I think it is possible but I think it would be hard to find...I am not ever seeking a full time full out relationship. Annoying at the suggestion I would wait until kids go to college. Um, no. Marriage was the biggest mistake of my life, I’ve waited far too long, and any action would be better then the sexless marriage I have had (many many years...most of the marriage without it).

With all due respect, you're not in a situation to discuss your long-term interests, you're saying what you're able to consider now. Anybody can find short term fb and you can too. Beyond that, it's an issue of you coming to grips with your divorce and what you want. I'm a 41yo divorced guy who divorced 4 years ago. I was happy to be non-exclusive for a bit and maintained that for a couple of years. But I wanted a deep committed relationship and found that with another divorcee. I would never have considered a relationship that didn't lead us to meeting each others' kids, because I couldn't care about her and not care about her daughter. It may be a while but please don't confuse your immediate reluctance to recommit with your actual desires.

OP here: Another man will never meet my kids until they are out of the house. That is 14 years away. I will never share living space or finances again. I know what my desires are for at least the next 14 years.

NP (guy). I completely agree with no marriage, no mixing finances or sharing space. But my kids have met my girlfriend. You might find you change your mind when you’ve been divorced for a few years.

[Anonymous]

I say that I’m not interested in marriage, but am ideally looking for long term exclusive.

I am curious both why you want it, and why you think a man should agree to it. If you don't want to live with him, commingle finances, or have him meet your kids, why do you care who else he sleeps with? And how would you even know if he did?