Fiance - Cat Tension

[Anonymous]

There is a difference between boyfriend being in apartment and all of his stuff and smells being there. This is stressing the cats out. You need to help them relax. Sometimes cats need anti anxiety meds to help. Really.

[Anonymous]

Cats can be strangely possessive. A friend of mine’s cat would pee in her boyfriend’s shoe when he was over her house. Give it time. And make sure you are still giving them plenty of attention. Maybe he can start feeding them and playing with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he makes a good faith effort to bond with the cats and one or both try to scratch his eyes out, get rid of the cat or cats. Trust me, if you have a baby and the cats abuse the baby you will get rid of them.

Why should OP get rid of the cats and not him? We don't have enough information yet to know who is at fault.

Are you really prioritizing a cat over a soon to be husband?

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s fair to prioritize anyone for now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he makes a good faith effort to bond with the cats and one or both try to scratch his eyes out, get rid of the cat or cats. Trust me, if you have a baby and the cats abuse the baby you will get rid of them.

Why should OP get rid of the cats and not him? We don't have enough information yet to know who is at fault.

Are you really prioritizing a cat over a soon to be husband?

I would not prioritize the cats per se, but to me animals who were there BEFORE the fiancé are just as important. So crappy to toss them aside when they’re no longer convenient. Luckily, OP sounds like a good person who isn’t planning to do this.

[Anonymous]

Why are all these PP who are cat haters posting in this thread and giving advice on how to deal with cats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was he doing right before the hissing and swatting? Cats don’t usually just do that out of nowhere. Maybe he could just not do whatever he did and ignore the cats.

My cat does this out of nowhere. Prissy bitch.

Ask fiance to feed them, have him give treats, and let the cats come to him. It takes time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible your cats were abused by men in the past? I rescued a cat who I'm pretty sure had been because she'd cower and shrink away from them. Women were fine, though she would hid from everyone except me. I was the only person who could pet her and hold her but it took a while for her to warm for me.

The first night I had her, she came out from under the bed when I was going to sleep and bit my ear and head so hard I had to turn the light on to see if I was bleeding. She did that periodically over the years...I always said she was 98% world's best cat (for me) and 2% complete asshole. She once attacked me so viciously that I had blood pooled on my bed and a trail of blood to the bathroom with splatters I continued to find for a couple of weeks. I took her to the vet the next day to make sure there wasn't something wrong with her because it was a particularly brutal attack. In the end I had to go on broad spectrum antibiotics which between the diarrhea and regrowth of gut flora and the yeast infection was the gift that kept on giving.

Anyway, all of this to say that if they were abused by men before you had them, it's possible they might never get used to your fiancé. Having him feed them and give treats is a good idea but they might just kick his ass in the middle of the night. You never know.

But she said their interactions were fine when they were just dating and he was there.

As a PP says above--he and his things are permanently around. The have no breaks from a huge change to how they view their world. Dating, he would come and go. Now his clothes and shoes and possessions which all have his smell are in their territory 24/7.

They aren't evil, they're animals reacting as territorial animals naturally act, and they aren't pissed, they're stressed out ALL the time and that manifests as hissing and aggression (which is actually them defending themselves/their territory. OP and the fiancé need to understand that the animals are acting naturally for animals and it's on the humans to get that and make the effort to reduce the stress.

OP, have him always enter the front door with treats he gives the instant he steps inside (if they're not hiding). He treats, he feeds, he does not pet until they approach and initiate someday. And he actively plays with them but never with hands--go to a pet store and get the toys that are sticks with a cord and a feathery toy on the end; that encourages chasing "prey" play but also keeps him at a distance from claws. Domestic cats often get little or no play with humans and they really benefit from it - even older cats. And meanwhile look into a behaviorist or at least check out books and online behaviorist videos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible your cats were abused by men in the past? I rescued a cat who I'm pretty sure had been because she'd cower and shrink away from them. Women were fine, though she would hid from everyone except me. I was the only person who could pet her and hold her but it took a while for her to warm for me.

The first night I had her, she came out from under the bed when I was going to sleep and bit my ear and head so hard I had to turn the light on to see if I was bleeding. She did that periodically over the years...I always said she was 98% world's best cat (for me) and 2% complete asshole. She once attacked me so viciously that I had blood pooled on my bed and a trail of blood to the bathroom with splatters I continued to find for a couple of weeks. I took her to the vet the next day to make sure there wasn't something wrong with her because it was a particularly brutal attack. In the end I had to go on broad spectrum antibiotics which between the diarrhea and regrowth of gut flora and the yeast infection was the gift that kept on giving.

Anyway, all of this to say that if they were abused by men before you had them, it's possible they might never get used to your fiancé. Having him feed them and give treats is a good idea but they might just kick his ass in the middle of the night. You never know.

LOL, you guys are not making cats seem very endearing!

[Anonymous]

Cats are so easy, this is ridiculous! Swiped at him?! So what, my cat that adores me will swipe me away if she doesn't want to leave her spot on my bed. She never actually scratched for real. He leaves cats alone, they leave him alone, the end.

[Anonymous]

Get rid of your cats.

[Anonymous]

Try the Feliway plug in.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thanks all for several very helpful suggestions.

I absolutely do not intend on giving up the cats. The cats used to be fine around DF before he moved in, the aggression and the repeated swiping started only once he moved in. They are also fine around most visitors.

I have had DF give them treats but that hasn't resolved the situation so far. I'm not currently considering therapy or putting cameras in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Studies on cats have shown they usually take about 9 months to adjust to changes.
You can help by raising your fiance’s value to them- have DF do all the feeding, giving treats, toys if the cats like them. The rest of the time, have DF ignore them unless they initiate contact. Most cats don’t really like unsolicited attention.

I like this advice.

And yes, back your DH up if the cats are being jerks. Remember humans over animals. But work with him. Ask him to give it some time. Chances are everyone will adjust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cats are so easy, this is ridiculous! Swiped at him?! So what, my cat that adores me will swipe me away if she doesn't want to leave her spot on my bed. She never actually scratched for real. He leaves cats alone, they leave him alone, the end.

With a little effort the OP and fiancé can actually help the cats not live in constant stress. But you'd advocate for their doing nothing at all? OK then.