Fiance - Cat Tension

[Anonymous]

DF should find a new fiancee -- one who doesn't have cats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would recommend therapy for your soon to be DH.

You should set him up with a cat behaviorist who can coach and counsel him in earning the trust of the cats. If need be the behaviorist can also work with the cats but obviously working with the human is easier.

Here is a quick recommendation for the consultant:

http://www.humanerescuealliance.org/lisa-stemcosky

Disagree that this is a cause for therapy for the fiancé but totally agree that some work in the home with a cat behaviorist who can observe the cats and the interactions could help. OP, don't assume that bringing in a cat behaviorist is over the top or weird. It's like a couple with a dog working with a dog trainer to figure out and fix problems--people don't turn up their noses at that, yet act (like some other PPs here) like it's overreacting to consult a cat specialist the same way.

Go online and search for Jackson Galaxy's YouTube posts and his "My Cat From Hell" TV series and you'll see what a cat behaviorist does and how situations like yours are really pretty common. There are going to be things your fiancé and you can do to at least create a truce. The cats likely feel insecure because he's in their territory and there are ways he can gain their trust and they can regain their confidence, but we can't advise about those because we haven't seen your cats with him.

[Anonymous]

Give you fiancé treats that are really high value to the cats — something they love and hardly ever get to have. Then have him toss those treats to the cats from a distance. Best done from a seated position. Repeat at least once per day. (Just don’t forget to reduce food slightly.)

Give it a few months. Cats are slow adjusters and possessive. Talk to your vet if no progress is being made; meds can help in the short term.

Ultimately, though, people>pets.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible your cats were abused by men in the past? I rescued a cat who I'm pretty sure had been because she'd cower and shrink away from them. Women were fine, though she would hid from everyone except me. I was the only person who could pet her and hold her but it took a while for her to warm for me.

The first night I had her, she came out from under the bed when I was going to sleep and bit my ear and head so hard I had to turn the light on to see if I was bleeding. She did that periodically over the years...I always said she was 98% world's best cat (for me) and 2% complete asshole. She once attacked me so viciously that I had blood pooled on my bed and a trail of blood to the bathroom with splatters I continued to find for a couple of weeks. I took her to the vet the next day to make sure there wasn't something wrong with her because it was a particularly brutal attack. In the end I had to go on broad spectrum antibiotics which between the diarrhea and regrowth of gut flora and the yeast infection was the gift that kept on giving.

Anyway, all of this to say that if they were abused by men before you had them, it's possible they might never get used to your fiancé. Having him feed them and give treats is a good idea but they might just kick his ass in the middle of the night. You never know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible your cats were abused by men in the past? I rescued a cat who I'm pretty sure had been because she'd cower and shrink away from them. Women were fine, though she would hid from everyone except me. I was the only person who could pet her and hold her but it took a while for her to warm for me.

The first night I had her, she came out from under the bed when I was going to sleep and bit my ear and head so hard I had to turn the light on to see if I was bleeding. She did that periodically over the years...I always said she was 98% world's best cat (for me) and 2% complete asshole. She once attacked me so viciously that I had blood pooled on my bed and a trail of blood to the bathroom with splatters I continued to find for a couple of weeks. I took her to the vet the next day to make sure there wasn't something wrong with her because it was a particularly brutal attack. In the end I had to go on broad spectrum antibiotics which between the diarrhea and regrowth of gut flora and the yeast infection was the gift that kept on giving.

Anyway, all of this to say that if they were abused by men before you had them, it's possible they might never get used to your fiancé. Having him feed them and give treats is a good idea but they might just kick his ass in the middle of the night. You never know.

This story is hilarious.

[Anonymous]

I hate to break it to you but it’s clear that he is hitting them. Cats don’t suddenly become skittish like that with someone who they previously have had interaction with (since you guys were dating). I know it sounds a little cray cray but the hidden camera idea by PP is worth exploring.

It’s cats today. It could be you tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible your cats were abused by men in the past? I rescued a cat who I'm pretty sure had been because she'd cower and shrink away from them. Women were fine, though she would hid from everyone except me. I was the only person who could pet her and hold her but it took a while for her to warm for me.

The first night I had her, she came out from under the bed when I was going to sleep and bit my ear and head so hard I had to turn the light on to see if I was bleeding. She did that periodically over the years...I always said she was 98% world's best cat (for me) and 2% complete asshole. She once attacked me so viciously that I had blood pooled on my bed and a trail of blood to the bathroom with splatters I continued to find for a couple of weeks. I took her to the vet the next day to make sure there wasn't something wrong with her because it was a particularly brutal attack. In the end I had to go on broad spectrum antibiotics which between the diarrhea and regrowth of gut flora and the yeast infection was the gift that kept on giving.

Anyway, all of this to say that if they were abused by men before you had them, it's possible they might never get used to your fiancé. Having him feed them and give treats is a good idea but they might just kick his ass in the middle of the night. You never know.

But she said their interactions were fine when they were just dating and he was there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate to break it to you but it’s clear that he is hitting them. Cats don’t suddenly become skittish like that with someone who they previously have had interaction with (since you guys were dating). I know it sounds a little cray cray but the hidden camera idea by PP is worth exploring.

It’s cats today. It could be you tomorrow.

I agree. If their interactions were fine before, why are they all freaked out now?

I had a friend who became a roommate. She wasn’t a fan of cats. The my cats started only hanging out in my room. Avoided the rest of the apartment. I suspect she was hissing at them or making loud noises to keep them in my room.

Years later, I realized just how damaged she was as a human being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate to break it to you but it’s clear that he is hitting them. Cats don’t suddenly become skittish like that with someone who they previously have had interaction with (since you guys were dating). I know it sounds a little cray cray but the hidden camera idea by PP is worth exploring.

It’s cats today. It could be you tomorrow.

I agree. If their interactions were fine before, why are they all freaked out now?

I had a friend who became a roommate. She wasn’t a fan of cats. The my cats started only hanging out in my room. Avoided the rest of the apartment. I suspect she was hissing at them or making loud noises to keep them in my room.

Years later, I realized just how damaged she was as a human being.

Op, this is a clear red flag. You should get out now.

[Anonymous]

How does he explain the shift? What changed between dating and living with the cats?

I'm a cat hater. I won't spend the night in someone's home if there is a remote chance I will wake up with a cat in bed, and I think they are disgusting. Pretty consistent on this though and have been for over 30 years. What's his main gripe?

[Anonymous]

Cats are an excellent judge of human character. Keep your cats. Get rid of your DF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get rid of the cats.

Op here. I rescued them. I have had them for 5 years. It would break my heart.

Cats don’t need rescuing. They do fine without humans. They’re more independent than we are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Put up some secret cameras in your house to see what your guy does to the cats when you are not around. He may be abusing or mistreating them. If he is you should call the cops.

+1. Do this.

+1
Just like there are goat molesters, there are cat molesters

[Anonymous]

Cats are so gross. They literally sh*t in a box in your house.

[Anonymous]

Hey Feliway. It is a synthetic form of the pheromone mom secretes when nursing the kittens. Use the diffusers.