18 year old daughter in a bad path

[Anonymous]

Although the tough love approach can work, and there are many people who say they are glad their parents used it on them, it can also backfire big time. I can see how scary it is that she will have the trust fund to herself in a few years (when we did our wills when DS was 12 the lawyer recommended 35, which was also the age for college friends I knew who had trust funds--I sure never did!).

OP, you are listing all the worrisome stuff, wonder how the relationship itself is--are you constantly at odds? I tend to be the person (and parent) who focuses on positive areas (however small) and try to build on them. Spent many years feeling terrified how my DS's life was gonna turn out and was viewed as an enabler and sucker by some people, but fact is that was the right approach for me and for him. He also had some special needs (Tourette and a lot of associated ADHD/OCD/ GAD/ MDD). The concept "islands of competence" was something I heard at an advocacy conference once and it resonated with me.

Honestly, whether kid is a kid or a young adult I firmly believe that there is usually no "right" answer, because if your strategy does not feel right for you it's not likely to work. I think book recommendations is a fine idea because reading (aka bibliotherapy which is a real thing) had help you see how approaches might work in practice and is a way for you to test your own response to them. (For example, when I read the Love and Logic stuff years ago, it just really pissed me off. So did 1-2-3 magic. The Explosive Child I totally connected with--these are of course books about parenting children, but the underlying notions--focusing on consequences vs focusing on antecedents--are no different from the choices available to you.

While you sort through this, I strongly recommend looking for the areas where you and your daughter can have positive relationships. Close your eyes against the tattoos, the beauty school course, focus as hard as you can on the positives while you figure out your larger response. Find non-confrontational, non-judgmental ways to approach the concerns you have via brief conversations. Make sure she knows you are available to talk to.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to prioritize. Things like tattoos are just not worth fighting about. Neither is the esthetics program. I'd be more worried about the boyfriend--she needs to be on BC, stat.

You need to pick your battles. She can start paying for things. She can follow reasonable house rules, like no illegal drugs in the house, picking up after herself, etc. But you also need to figure out how to foster a positive relationship with her, because if your interactions are always critical, she may start to feel that she can never please you and you lose your influence. Encourage her to do well in her program. Encourage her to continue her education--what about getting certified as a hairstylist (whatever that's called)? That's a much more marketable skill. In the meantime, there may be places that would hire her--any spas or resorts nearby? Try to find ways to be supportive and constructive, that encourage her to find work and take care of herself.

She is an adult, and you have to treat her like one. So think about other people giving you advice. What approaches make you more likely to take their advice v. getting defensive?

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately this usually starts when patents refuse to be parents and enforce rules. After the first tattoo things would have changed or she’d be out of the house. I totally feel sorry for you, no real answer at this point. Stop paying for everything and let her know she’s out the door if things don’t change.

Yes it’ll hurt when she moves in with the dirt bag but you need to think about the entire family including yourself. Tuff love.

[Anonymous]

I'm shocked so many of you are saying tattoos are no big deal. Prison/biker gang knuckle tattoos are life altering poor decisions and the OP has a right to be very upset. At least pay for laser removal for her but make it a condition for staying at your home.

[Anonymous]

Why are people suggesting nursing as an option? Nursing programs are competitive to get into nowadays. Most hospitals want four year college degrees vs community college ones. And you need to use your brain. Are you thinking of CNAs?

[Anonymous]

your son is probably smarter than your daughter and has better impulse control. it’s probably not your fault and not worth thinking much about.

I would not kick her out unless living with her becomes unbearable for you. she will do better with you than living outside. she will not “smarten up” if kicked out.

[Anonymous]

My stepdaughter FITB her first tattoo at 17. My DH hated it but decided to ignore it because he knew she just did it for attention. Then he found pot in her room and basically berated her for the stupidity of getting caught but not the using (he uses too so sees it as no big deal). Then she got another tattoo, and another, and then a sleeve, and he was SO infuriated with her but assiduously avoided any conflict or confrontation with her.

All the while, I was like, “She’s DOING this for you’re attention! GIVE IT to her! He’s screaming outfield boundaries that aren’t there.” But he didn’t want to “reward” her attention seeking.

Fast forward 7 years. She covered her body in tattoos, became a stripper, developed a heroin habit, and has been in jail too many times to count. I know she has prostituted herself for drugs but my DH can’t handle even thinking about the stripping, much less worse. We’d paid for rehab but it doesn’t stick. My DH thinks it’s too late for parenting. I think she’s still screaming out for a dad to tell her to cut it out and pay attention to her. Lots of attention.

If someone is crying out for attention toon, why not give it to them? I think teenagers WANY boundaries. That doesn’t mean she will like them or be compliant. But you have yo have rules. SHE has to know where the boundaries are. Anything else is terrifying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My stepdaughter FITB her first tattoo at 17. My DH hated it but decided to ignore it because he knew she just did it for attention. Then he found pot in her room and basically berated her for the stupidity of getting caught but not the using (he uses too so sees it as no big deal). Then she got another tattoo, and another, and then a sleeve, and he was SO infuriated with her but assiduously avoided any conflict or confrontation with her.

All the while, I was like, “She’s DOING this for you’re attention! GIVE IT to her! He’s screaming outfield boundaries that aren’t there.” But he didn’t want to “reward” her attention seeking.

Fast forward 7 years. She covered her body in tattoos, became a stripper, developed a heroin habit, and has been in jail too many times to count. I know she has prostituted herself for drugs but my DH can’t handle even thinking about the stripping, much less worse. We’d paid for rehab but it doesn’t stick. My DH thinks it’s too late for parenting. I think she’s still screaming out for a dad to tell her to cut it out and pay attention to her. Lots of attention.

If someone is crying out for attention toon, why not give it to them? I think teenagers WANY boundaries. That doesn’t mean she will like them or be compliant. But you have yo have rules. SHE has to know where the boundaries are. Anything else is terrifying.

i have no idea why you think your stepdaughter is doing all this “for attention”.

[Anonymous]

I think she needs to see a counselor. Also try to convince her to go to college, any college. Tell her there are plenty of kids like her there.

In a few years, she’ll be glad she went to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My stepdaughter FITB her first tattoo at 17. My DH hated it but decided to ignore it because he knew she just did it for attention. Then he found pot in her room and basically berated her for the stupidity of getting caught but not the using (he uses too so sees it as no big deal). Then she got another tattoo, and another, and then a sleeve, and he was SO infuriated with her but assiduously avoided any conflict or confrontation with her.

All the while, I was like, “She’s DOING this for you’re attention! GIVE IT to her! He’s screaming outfield boundaries that aren’t there.” But he didn’t want to “reward” her attention seeking.

Fast forward 7 years. She covered her body in tattoos, became a stripper, developed a heroin habit, and has been in jail too many times to count. I know she has prostituted herself for drugs but my DH can’t handle even thinking about the stripping, much less worse. We’d paid for rehab but it doesn’t stick. My DH thinks it’s too late for parenting. I think she’s still screaming out for a dad to tell her to cut it out and pay attention to her. Lots of attention.

If someone is crying out for attention toon, why not give it to them? I think teenagers WANY boundaries. That doesn’t mean she will like them or be compliant. But you have yo have rules. SHE has to know where the boundaries are. Anything else is terrifying.

i have no idea why you think your stepdaughter is doing all this “for attention”.

Not the pp, but I have a friend, now in her forties, who loved to do negative things to get her parents attention. Negative attention is at least attention, if you don't seem to get positive attention.

I think if OP can teach her DD the value of money, and have her find a apartment with a female friend, where she will have to pay rent and bills. She will learn some Independence,you and suck up that excess money she can use for tattoos and drugs while living at home is key.

You don't want her to learn that her money is for optional, recreational items, like drugs, alcohol and tattoos, while your money is for food, electricity and housing. The worst thing my friends parents did was "make" her save money and live at home...all she learned was that her money was for saving and/or fun and her parents money was for living.