Reply to 18 year old daughter in a bad path

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[quote=Anonymous]Although the tough love approach can work, and there are many people who say they are glad their parents used it on them, it can also backfire big time. I can see how scary it is that she will have the trust fund to herself in a few years (when we did our wills when DS was 12 the lawyer recommended 35, which was also the age for college friends I knew who had trust funds--I sure never did!).

OP, you are listing all the worrisome stuff, wonder how the relationship itself is--are you constantly at odds? I tend to be the person (and parent) who focuses on positive areas (however small) and try to build on them. Spent many years feeling terrified how my DS's life was gonna turn out and was viewed as an enabler and sucker by some people, but fact is that was the right approach for me and for him. He also had some special needs (Tourette and a lot of associated ADHD/OCD/ GAD/ MDD). The concept "islands of competence" was something I heard at an advocacy conference once and it resonated with me.

Honestly, whether kid is a kid or a young adult I firmly believe that there is usually no "right" answer, because if your strategy does not feel right for you it's not likely to work. I think book recommendations is a fine idea because reading (aka bibliotherapy which is a real thing) had help you see how  approaches might work in practice and is a way for you to test your own response to them. (For example, when I read the Love and Logic stuff years ago, it just really pissed me off. So did 1-2-3 magic. The Explosive Child I totally connected with--these are of course books about parenting children, but the underlying notions--focusing on consequences vs focusing on antecedents--are no different from the choices available to you.

While you sort through this, I strongly recommend looking for the areas where you and your daughter can have positive relationships. Close your eyes against the tattoos, the beauty school course, focus as hard as you can on the positives while you figure out your larger response. Find non-confrontational, non-judgmental ways to approach the concerns you have via brief conversations. Make sure she knows you are available to talk to. [/quote]

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