18 year old daughter in a bad path
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Anonymous
| She is an adult. Tell her to find another place to live. Most of you on this forum seem to coddle your children after they reach the age of 18. They are old enough to join the military, therefore they are old enough to make their own decisions. Leave them to it. My kids are responsible for themselves when they turn 18, and if they mess up in any way, they are the ones who must deal with the consequences of their actions. Not my life, not my problem. |
Anonymous
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I understand your fears and would not kick her out.
I would back WAY off, actually, and focus on the next few years before her trust fund starts to expose her to responsibilities. At this point her academic education is not your priority, but her health (risk of harder drugs), her choice of partner and having a baby, and being a potential prey for her money. I would stop criticizing as part of a strategy to regain a measure of trust (and therefore control). I would be genuinely nice, act happy that she’s just there in your life, healthy and happy. I would get her to volunteer at a women’s shelter and volunteer for a drug addict program. Volunteer with her, of course. Let her see how difficult it is for women on the brink, with kids. Let her see how terrifying it is to lose control on opiods or other life-altering drugs. She could offer free make-up sessions to women in need, as a way to give them a little boost. She could perhaps think of becoming a social worker, if she likes that, by goingvto community college. One last thing: why the downward spiral? Dod something happen? Does she have untreated ADHD that she self-medicates? Perhaps a psychologist evaluation could help her. She’s very young and needs your love and support, even though she’s making you very angry and disappointed right now. Please don’t abandon a troubled teen to the tender mercies of the real world... I would |
Anonymous
But a house for her?? You serious, Clark? |
Anonymous
| Out of the house without any support. |
Anonymous
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1. Stop paying her bills
2. Stop comparing your kids |
Anonymous
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Don't make her lie about spending the night out or smoking pot. She's kind of an adult (on paper, yes; in reality, no). She can stay out with whomever but must be on long term birth control if she's living in your home. No drugs in the house.
She must be enrolled full time in school (beauty school, whatever) and working at least 20 hours a week, or enrolled part time and working full time. She pays for insurance and phone. If she has enough money for tattoos and weed, she can pay the most basic (technically) non-essentials of adulthood: car insurance and phone. Good luck. It sounds all well and good to kick her out, but I'd be hesitant to given that she could end up pregnant with the loser boyfriend. (I mean, that could happen regardless, but ...) I really think you need to let go enough to "let" her spend the night out, etc., but expect an equivalent level of responsibility from her: study, work, pay bills. Get her that IUD! |
Anonymous
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Prioritize, OP. Getting an IUD and paying rent are big deals. Going to cosmetology school and getting tattoos are not big deals.
Did she have trauma in her childhood that you ignored? Maybe a sexual assault she told you about and you dismissed, or one she felt she could not disclose? I don’t mean to be unkind, but you asked how the same parenting practices could produce a DS you feel is on the right path and a DD you feel is not. That would have been one way. |
Anonymous
That is something to think about. I tried to tell my mom about abuse and she dismissed it as unimportant. It made me want to leave home as soon as I could though, but I had strict parents who did not care about my emotional life. Some other than things: 1. Have her pay rent; she needs somewhere else to put that money she's making besides tattoos and losers. Or, tell her to leave and find a roommate, so she will have to pay utilities and rent. The downside: she may move in for "free" with a loser. 2. Another option, she needs to pay for her phone, her insurance, her healthcare, her car payment. Anything to soak up the funds she is making via her part time job and simulate real life bills. 3. Expect that she may blow through her trust fund. When she gets it, let her know that is the last of the money she is receiving. Basically I find that younger people who don't have to pay bills never value money; I have a middle aged friend who is like this because her mom and dad let her stay at home and not pay rent for years. And, when she did she rented from them. |
Anonymous
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I know four kids who came into trust funds at this age. They all blew through them. See if you can raise the age limit, require gainful employment or a BA degree or anything else to forestall the coming disaster.
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Anonymous
| I'm with the asian chick. Boot this kid out. |
Anonymous
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Honestly, if you keep doing what you do, it's only getting worse and you know it.
She has to learn life the hard way herself. You're not helping. Right now she goes through life waiting until she's 25 to get access to the trust fund. Kick her out, and hopefully she will wake up one day. There is no other way. |
Anonymous
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I like the idea of tying up the trust in an illiquid asset like real estate that can throw off a yearly income. She could off course sell the property, but that takes organization and financial savvy, which she appears to lack. I would not give her money from the trust except to pay tuition, which I would pay directly to the school.
Agree with others to let her continue living in the house. For now, I would do rent free and not impose rules about where she spends the night. Only rule should be that she lets you know where she is so you don't worry. Also welcome her to whatever food is in the house. Other than that, no support. If she enrolled full time in community college, she could get money for books and an allowance that is small enough she would want to take a part-tim job. No drugs in the house is a good idea, but I wouldn't sweat marijuana smoked outside the house. To be honest, they all are doing that. I would consider refraining from any criticism of the boyfriend; that so often makes the object of criticism more desirable. Indeed, being overly pleasant about him could help put her off him. This book is frequently suggested on the teen board; you might find it helpful: https://www.amazon.com/Yes-Your-Teen-Crazy-Without/dp/0936197447 |
Anonymous
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Where is the trust fund coming from? No offence, but why is the well adjusted brother not in university and grad school if there is a trust fund in the picture?
OP, you should have gone with her to therapy for a long time, while you could have forced her to go. Now it's too late, even for books. Get therapy for yourself to better deal with what you got on your hands, it sounds like you can afford it. |
Anonymous
+1 This is good advice |
Anonymous
| My guess is she doesn't have the raw abilities for something like nursing school, never mind the want to. Seems like a classic case of lower normal IQ and the resulting poor impulse control that comes with it. I'm guessing the trust fund wasn't yours to set up OP, but carefully look at the terms; if the settlor is still alive, perhaps talk to them or see a lawyer to see if there's a loophole or a way to decant the funds into a more restrictive trust. She absolutely will blow through the money and be in bad shape by middle age unless some spendthrift protections are put in place. |