18 year old daughter in a bad path

[Anonymous]

If you don't kick her out you will be raising her kids, especially if she told the loser boyfriend about the trust fund.

[Anonymous]

So your daughter is going down the path of trashdom. It's a hard thing to say but that's what I'm seeing based on your description.

Some people just seem to gravitate towards this kind of lifestyle and attitudes. It does happen to some kids from nice families. I cannot tell you why. Kicking her out of the house could help her a la the school of hard knocks, or it could worsen everything by driving her more firmly into the kingdom of trashdom as she shacks up with the boyfriend, gets a baby out of wedlock, spends her day smoking pot and not working and boom, there goes her life. The extreme tattoos at her age does imply that she's naturally inclined into this direction anyway.

You can't predict the outcome at this point. I'd probably kick her out and hope for the best.

[Anonymous]

A C student is not that bad. It's average. I think some of your mistakes started earlier in making her feel inadequate. The behavior you describe is not out of bounds for someone her age. What do you think kids at college are doing? They are sleeping with their boyfriends. At least if she was in college she probably would have met someone closer to her age.

I wouldn't kick her out, I'd follow some of the suggestions from previous posters on house rules.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and I would get to know her boyfriend. Let him know she has a family who loves her and supports her and that she's not easy prey.

Make sure he knows the house rules and the expectations. Chances are if he knows you guys are around and in her life, he's going to quickly lose interest in someone so young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and I would get to know her boyfriend. Let him know she has a family who loves her and supports her and that she's not easy prey.

Make sure he knows the house rules and the expectations. Chances are if he knows you guys are around and in her life, he's going to quickly lose interest in someone so young.

this.

try full acceptance for awhile. She can smoke weed outside, who cares? She will see you still love her. Have the loser boyfriend over for dinner. It will shock her.

[Anonymous]

My cousin came into a trust fun at 25, and blew it all in a year of nothing to show for it. It was several million dollars 15 years ago. He had tons of hanger ons aka friends who he flew to Vegas and gambled, went to NYC to go clubbing, bought so many drugs, tried to impress women, and “invested” in get rich quick schemes his friends talked him into trying. Total nightmare. He’s now a waiter who can’t hold down a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So your daughter is going down the path of trashdom. It's a hard thing to say but that's what I'm seeing based on your description.

Some people just seem to gravitate towards this kind of lifestyle and attitudes. It does happen to some kids from nice families. I cannot tell you why. Kicking her out of the house could help her a la the school of hard knocks, or it could worsen everything by driving her more firmly into the kingdom of trashdom as she shacks up with the boyfriend, gets a baby out of wedlock, spends her day smoking pot and not working and boom, there goes her life. The extreme tattoos at her age does imply that she's naturally inclined into this direction anyway.

You can't predict the outcome at this point. I'd probably kick her out and hope for the best.

Ugh, shut up, elitist snob. You snotty DCUM broads with your "trashy" and "tacky" insults. Get over yourself. You are no arbiter of class. Classy people don't say things like that.

OP I think the most important things are, in this order, not getting pregnant and doing something meanginful. Maybe that's getting a full-time job and/or schooling that is not beauty school (community college for core classes would be ideal, but nursing, phlebotomy, sonography, even medical billing or early childhood education all are better options -- with the last one she could teach kids art or something since she's artsy) and having her pay some of her own bills. Like others suggested I'd also try to intervene somehow with the trust fund. Or even better, try something non-traditional.

As long as she doesn't get pregnant, the rest can be temporary. I was a C- high school student and starting getting caught smoking weed and worse when I was 16. My mom sent me away that summer to a fine arts program across the country, which I hated her for at the time but I ended up loving and it was great for me. But I came back home and, even though I started running with a slightly better crowd, still was using and got arrested. I was on that bad path; thank god I didn't have a boyfriend or have sex. But college was not optional, and I got into one thousands of miles away and off I went. Still partied hard, binge drank, smoked weed every day...all the way through college. But I did change in other ways. I found a major I actually liked and was interested in. I got the best grades I'd gotten in years. I took a semester off and backpacked Europe solo and came home and got straight As for the first time in my life. I graduated cum laude from a large but semi-rural state school, moved to DC and launched a successful career. I'm still successful, I have a family, I'm well-traveled, I'm not "trashy," and I lived to tell the tale.

Number one, get her an IUD. Number two, see if you can send her somewhere. Being outside your comfort zone forces you to learn all kinds of hard truths and lessons about yourself, about life, about the world around you. Whether it's a school program that's out of state, an outward bound program of some sort, or some of that trust money used toward a plane ticket and travel guide book...force her out of her comfort zone. Not permanently. Try 6 weeks. Give her parameters but let her figure out the details ("Here's a plane ticket and Eurail pass, here's your budget"). Do not bail her out when she calls crying that she's been pick-pocketed. She'll learn important lessons and maybe she'll discover something inside herself. And you wouldn't have to kick her out, she'll have amazing experiences that will probably change her life, and she'll thank you later.

It could work. It'll be ok, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is an adult. You can’t control her body, but you can set house rules:

1) She can live with you as long as she is in school and shows you progress reports
2) She must pay for her own spending aside from housing: phone, insurance, clothes, spending $
3) New drugs in the home
4) She’s on her own with illegal activity of Amy kind: make it clear you will not bail her out or pay for lawyers; etc
5) Reasonable house rules: clean own stuff, contribute to joint chores, call by x time if not coming home. You can’t control who she spends time with and it’s not reasonable to expect she’s never sleeping elsewhere
6) you’d be surprised how little stigma there is about tattoos. I think they’re gross, but t it’s not a hill to die on
7) Teach her budgeting NOW. Say she can live rent-free with you as long adventures you develop a budget together. You Need a Budget software is really good

Forgot to mention: get the book Boundaries!

I'd say these are all reasonable rules and would do the same for my kid. I'd also require (and pay any expenses for) long-acting birth control. Trust fund or not, your daughter does not sound responsible enough to have a child. If she doesn't agree to the rules, give her the boot.

[Anonymous]

Tell her she has one month to find somewhere else to live. She is an adult. If she wants tatts and pot she can do that somewhere else.

[Anonymous]

If you are going to kick her out, do it after she gets the IUD

[Anonymous]

She is very young. Don’t abandon her to the wolves, let her know that she is loved, that she matters. Try together to find a therapist that can help get her out of the pathway she is following and (if you believe in God) pray for her always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where is the trust fund coming from? No offence, but why is the well adjusted brother not in university and grad school if there is a trust fund in the picture?

OP, you should have gone with her to therapy for a long time, while you could have forced her to go. Now it's too late, even for books. Get therapy for yourself to better deal with what you got on your hands, it sounds like you can afford it.

I agree with this. Where are the trust funds coming from?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like both kids know the trust funds are coming and are comfortable just floating through life until they can collect their $$. No motivation to do or be anything. Being surrounded by other not-so-ambitious people doesn’t help.

There are 3 things everyone needs be happy:
-something to do
-someone to love
-something to look forward to

Get your kids thinking about long-range goals; take a trip to somewhere a little less depressing and open their eyes to other possibilities. Reconnect. Offer support. Stop judging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your daughter is going down the path of trashdom. It's a hard thing to say but that's what I'm seeing based on your description.

Some people just seem to gravitate towards this kind of lifestyle and attitudes. It does happen to some kids from nice families. I cannot tell you why. Kicking her out of the house could help her a la the school of hard knocks, or it could worsen everything by driving her more firmly into the kingdom of trashdom as she shacks up with the boyfriend, gets a baby out of wedlock, spends her day smoking pot and not working and boom, there goes her life. The extreme tattoos at her age does imply that she's naturally inclined into this direction anyway.

You can't predict the outcome at this point. I'd probably kick her out and hope for the best.

Ugh, shut up, elitist snob. You snotty DCUM broads with your "trashy" and "tacky" insults. Get over yourself. You are no arbiter of class. Classy people don't say things like that.

OP I think the most important things are, in this order, not getting pregnant and doing something meanginful. Maybe that's getting a full-time job and/or schooling that is not beauty school (community college for core classes would be ideal, but nursing, phlebotomy, sonography, even medical billing or early childhood education all are better options -- with the last one she could teach kids art or something since she's artsy) and having her pay some of her own bills. Like others suggested I'd also try to intervene somehow with the trust fund. Or even better, try something non-traditional.

As long as she doesn't get pregnant, the rest can be temporary. I was a C- high school student and starting getting caught smoking weed and worse when I was 16. My mom sent me away that summer to a fine arts program across the country, which I hated her for at the time but I ended up loving and it was great for me. But I came back home and, even though I started running with a slightly better crowd, still was using and got arrested. I was on that bad path; thank god I didn't have a boyfriend or have sex. But college was not optional, and I got into one thousands of miles away and off I went. Still partied hard, binge drank, smoked weed every day...all the way through college. But I did change in other ways. I found a major I actually liked and was interested in. I got the best grades I'd gotten in years. I took a semester off and backpacked Europe solo and came home and got straight As for the first time in my life. I graduated cum laude from a large but semi-rural state school, moved to DC and launched a successful career. I'm still successful, I have a family, I'm well-traveled, I'm not "trashy," and I lived to tell the tale.

Number one, get her an IUD. Number two, see if you can send her somewhere. Being outside your comfort zone forces you to learn all kinds of hard truths and lessons about yourself, about life, about the world around you. Whether it's a school program that's out of state, an outward bound program of some sort, or some of that trust money used toward a plane ticket and travel guide book...force her out of her comfort zone. Not permanently. Try 6 weeks. Give her parameters but let her figure out the details ("Here's a plane ticket and Eurail pass, here's your budget"). Do not bail her out when she calls crying that she's been pick-pocketed. She'll learn important lessons and maybe she'll discover something inside herself. And you wouldn't have to kick her out, she'll have amazing experiences that will probably change her life, and she'll thank you later.

It could work. It'll be ok, OP.

Hey, it's realistic. You are the one in denial. There are trashy people out there. They have to come from somewhere. And no, they are not to be emulated because they don't live good lives.

The OP's daughter is lazy, isn't interested in higher education, seems to have no purpose, is doing drugs, has jumped into getting a bunch of major tattoos at such a young age, *including tattooing her fingers* and she's going out with a 31 year old man who already has a kid from a previous relationship.

That's what white trash women do. You may not like this description but that is exactly what you see in the kingdom of trashdom. She is making a lot of bad decisions that will have long term implications on her life and it only pulls her further into the kingdom of trashdom. 31 year old boyfriend when you're 18? Why? Not just getting a tattoo, but tattooing your fingers? Why? Some people on here are blowing off the pot, but like a lot of pot smokers who can control their habits, they don't realize that for many others pot is both a gateway drug to something more serious and for people like the OP's daughter, regular pot usage often saps motivation and keeps you even lazier. That's why we have terms like stoners. The next step for her is to get pregnant, and then she'll slide into opoids. End of game. Shriek about me being mean and nasty, and yes, I've been brutal here, but this is a likely outcome for the girl's future. It's not inevitable, maybe she'll pull her act together. But many don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and I would get to know her boyfriend. Let him know she has a family who loves her and supports her and that she's not easy prey.

Make sure he knows the house rules and the expectations. Chances are if he knows you guys are around and in her life, he's going to quickly lose interest in someone so young.

this.

try full acceptance for awhile. She can smoke weed outside, who cares? She will see you still love her. Have the loser boyfriend over for dinner. It will shock her.

These two posts are the best advice on this thread. Be strict, be present, set clear expectations. If you show her and him that you are in her life in a supportive manner, she will feel loved.

My guess is that she's acting out in these ways in order to get your attention/love. My brother did and still does the same thing: he desperately wants love and attention from our father. But only years of therapy will make him come to this realization.

I'd also suggest as a condition of remaining in the house, therapy for the entire family. My guess is that there are other negative family dynamics at play that must be overcome.