Christmas Tree in Jewish Home

[Anonymous]

She's not there right one. Please accept this now before you involve your kids.

[Anonymous]

Step aside from your relationship with this woman for a second.Think down the road to your relationship as a stepfather to this woman's child. How will you explain that his history of celebrating Christmas had to be wiped away in this shared home, but your children's religious and cultural past was able to be maintained? Christmas, even for non religious people, can be a very sentimental time with layers and layers of memories over the years. Changing that for this child is going to lead to conflict between the two of you. Are you up for this kind of strain? I sympathize with you, but I just think you really need to consider whether this relationship can work given that you seem to want a Jewish, but not a multi faith home - with someone who isn't Jewish.

[Anonymous]

As a previous person stated - in any successful relationship there needs to be some compromise.
On both sides.

Is there any way that you can consider the Christmas tree more of a secular thing....
So the kids do not feel left out from what the majority of their friends likely do?

If none of this is possible, then sadly it is time to move on & focus meeting someone who has a more similar belief system in place.

Good luck to you both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you date or marry outside your religion, you’re on a crash course for disaster.

Not necessarily. But avoiding disaster requires A LOT of communication, and a willingness to compromise.

I'm a Jewish woman married for 17 years to Christian with whom I am raising two Jewish kids. Every single one of those 17 years (plus the two before we were married but lived together, come to think of it) there's been both a Menorah and a Christmas tree in our house. We spent a lot of time ironing out our religious differences while we were still dating - would either of us attend a house of worship/if so, when and would the other partner be expected to attend/tree or no tree/how to raise our kids/etc. We recognized very early in our relationship that if we couldn't come to some mutually satisfactory agreement on how we'd reconcile our differences, then moving forward as a couple was pointless.

To the OP - a tree with some pretty baubles and twinkling lights is going to be the absolute *least* of your issues in an interfaith household (especially if there's any chance at all that the two of you plan on having children together). If your non-Jewish partner having a tree and other symbols of her faith in the house that you share is a deal-breaker for you, then you are indeed headed for disaster. Best to cut your losses now and move on, in fairness to everyone involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I’m a Jewish woman married to a a Jewish man and I get it 100%. It seems like it’s a deal breaker.

You sound like my MIL and SIL who definitely wanted DH to marry a Jewish girl. It didn’t happen.

I’m the Jewish poster above. Your DH fell in love with you and married you, as you’ve clearly figured out how to manage a family with two different religions. The OP has not and this isn’t something that can be forced. I should clarify that OP cannot force his GF to abandon her religion and whatever traditions associated with it. However, I also do not believe he has to force himself to be comfortable living in a Christian home. OP- you will have to compromise if you want the relationship to move forward. If you are unable, I do understand. That is the point I’m trying to make. OP isn’t a bad person and either is his GF. Sometimes compromises cannot be made without losing too much of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I’m a Jewish woman married to a a Jewish man and I get it 100%. It seems like it’s a deal breaker.

You sound like my MIL and SIL who definitely wanted DH to marry a Jewish girl. It didn’t happen.

I’m the Jewish poster above. Your DH fell in love with you and married you, as you’ve clearly figured out how to manage a family with two different religions. The OP has not and this isn’t something that can be forced. I should clarify that OP cannot force his GF to abandon her religion and whatever traditions associated with it. However, I also do not believe he has to force himself to be comfortable living in a Christian home. OP- you will have to compromise if you want the relationship to move forward. If you are unable, I do understand. That is the point I’m trying to make. OP isn’t a bad person and either is his GF. Sometimes compromises cannot be made without losing too much of yourself.

You really outed yourself.

It's not a Christian home...it's an interfaith home. And most grown-ups who are truly in love and capable of maintaining a healthy relationship can compromise on such things.

I'm a Catholic woman married to a Jewish man. We've been together 25 years and we have an interfaith home. Our kids are officially Catholic (baptized, CCD), but we celebrate Jewish holidays in our home as well as with extended family. My Catholic kids know the Hebrew prayer you say when lighting the menorah. Our kids actually went to a Jewish preschool in our neighborhood.

Life is so much richer when you embrace diversity. But the op seems controlling.

[Anonymous]

NP here with an ignorant question. If the tree and lights are secular to many jewish people, do the orthodox have them?

I lived briefly in Kemp Mill and can't remember ever seeing these in windows.

Good luck to OP, it seems like a difficult situation.

[Anonymous]

In our Jewish-Catholic home I put up a big tree with blue, silver, and gold ornaments as well as some Hanukkah decorations. It brings me joy to have symbols from both religions. I never had a tree growing up and I completely embraced the tradition.

I will be the first to admit I am not particularly religious, but I find it so special to celebrate both Hanukkah and Christmas traditions. OP - if it is important to her then you should want to embrace it. Otherwise, this isn’t the right relationship for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here with an ignorant question. If the tree and lights are secular to many jewish people, do the orthodox have them?

I lived briefly in Kemp Mill and can't remember ever seeing these in windows.

Good luck to OP, it seems like a difficult situation.

Absolutely not. Most Jewish people in America don’t adopt these symbols unless they’re in an interfaith family.

[Anonymous]

As a non-religious wife of a Muslim husband, the issues of which religion the home will have and to which degree are some of the touchiest, and need to be discussed extensively before marriage. We discussed them in great detail before getting married, and we still encounter some points of disagreement (usually mild). All that is to say that it is important to fully realize how much religion you want in your home life, and stick to that. Do not hope that things will just go away, or that your partner will fall in line.

[Anonymous]

"OP- you will have to compromise if you want the relationship to move forward. If you are unable, I do understand. That is the point I’m trying to make. OP isn’t a bad person and either is his GF. Sometimes compromises cannot be made without losing too much of yourself."

^This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am single Jewish dad with two kids at home. I have been going out with a single non-Jewish mom with one kid. We are thinking of eventually moving in together, but one issue separates us. As much as it is important for her to have a Christmas tree in the living room, it is important to me that we don't have a Christmas tree in the living room. She is not particularly religious, but the tree is a symbol of the holidays. Her compromise is to decorate the tree with both Chanukah and Christmas ornaments. I do go to synagogue -- and yes I have heard the guidance that if this were so important to me then I should have only dated Jewish women (I tried that without success but that is the subject of another post). She is very supportive of my Jewish observance, although she has no interest in exploring it for herself. As we live apart, I enjoy helping her celebrate the Christmas holiday with a tree; my issue is having the tree in my (or our) home. How have others navigated this difficult issue?

Have you spoken to your Rabbi about this?

[Anonymous]

I am a Jewish man married to a Jewish woman. We have a Jewish home- think regular synagogue attendance, celebrating (but not strictly observing) Shabbat, etc.. However, my wife's family has many non Jews, including her mother.

Her non Jewish family celebrates Christmas in one way or another. I don't care for it. Being able to join a holiday celebration is nice. But there is an expectation that I will participate which I don't like- I feel like I am "required" to join. And we never hear from her family for the High Holidays. Like with most Christians in the US, they are unaware that America's default religion is Christianity.

OP, beyond the tree- beyond the tree, how would you feel about the expectation that you bring your child to Christmas parties every year? How about having to explain and re explain Jewish holidays? Do you want your kids to participate in Easter Bunny stuff? Only you know the answer to these questions. But think about them now.

OP, a lot of people in this thread are dumping on you, saying that you're controlling, or don't appreciate diversity. These posters don't understand what it's like to live in a Christian world when you aren't Christian. It's not controlling or not appreciative of diversity to want a Jewish home that provides a break from that. Having a Christmas tree is fine - if you're ok with that. But think beyond the tree to what the other expectations will be with regards to events, family participation, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a Jewish man married to a Jewish woman. We have a Jewish home- think regular synagogue attendance, celebrating (but not strictly observing) Shabbat, etc.. However, my wife's family has many non Jews, including her mother.

Her non Jewish family celebrates Christmas in one way or another. I don't care for it. Being able to join a holiday celebration is nice. But there is an expectation that I will participate which I don't like- I feel like I am "required" to join. And we never hear from her family for the High Holidays. Like with most Christians in the US, they are unaware that America's default religion is Christianity.

OP, beyond the tree- beyond the tree, how would you feel about the expectation that you bring your child to Christmas parties every year? How about having to explain and re explain Jewish holidays? Do you want your kids to participate in Easter Bunny stuff? Only you know the answer to these questions. But think about them now.

OP, a lot of people in this thread are dumping on you, saying that you're controlling, or don't appreciate diversity. These posters don't understand what it's like to live in a Christian world when you aren't Christian. It's not controlling or not appreciative of diversity to want a Jewish home that provides a break from that. Having a Christmas tree is fine - if you're ok with that. But think beyond the tree to what the other expectations will be with regards to events, family participation, etc.

I think what people are pointing out is that if OP wants a Jewish home then a relationship with a Christian woman who celebrates Christian holidays in some way is not going to work. Particularly since there are kids of both religions involved. Seems like the views are pretty consistent on this point.

Of course OP hasn’t returned so is no doubt a troll trying to stir things up again. It’s been at least 2 weeks since the last Christmas tree for Jews thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am single Jewish dad with two kids at home. I have been going out with a single non-Jewish mom with one kid. We are thinking of eventually moving in together, but one issue separates us. As much as it is important for her to have a Christmas tree in the living room, it is important to me that we don't have a Christmas tree in the living room. She is not particularly religious, but the tree is a symbol of the holidays. Her compromise is to decorate the tree with both Chanukah and Christmas ornaments. I do go to synagogue -- and yes I have heard the guidance that if this were so important to me then I should have only dated Jewish women (I tried that without success but that is the subject of another post). She is very supportive of my Jewish observance, although she has no interest in exploring it for herself. As we live apart, I enjoy helping her celebrate the Christmas holiday with a tree; my issue is having the tree in my (or our) home. How have others navigated this difficult issue?

Sounds like your parents raised you never to get serious with any goyim. You’ll have to break it off.
Next time, don’t get serious within any goyim. Only “for fun or practice”, remember?
Btw, you are probably raising your kids the same exact way.