Christmas Tree in Jewish Home

[Anonymous]

I am single Jewish dad with two kids at home. I have been going out with a single non-Jewish mom with one kid. We are thinking of eventually moving in together, but one issue separates us. As much as it is important for her to have a Christmas tree in the living room, it is important to me that we don't have a Christmas tree in the living room. She is not particularly religious, but the tree is a symbol of the holidays. Her compromise is to decorate the tree with both Chanukah and Christmas ornaments. I do go to synagogue -- and yes I have heard the guidance that if this were so important to me then I should have only dated Jewish women (I tried that without success but that is the subject of another post). She is very supportive of my Jewish observance, although she has no interest in exploring it for herself. As we live apart, I enjoy helping her celebrate the Christmas holiday with a tree; my issue is having the tree in my (or our) home. How have others navigated this difficult issue?

[Anonymous]

The tree alone is fine because it's secular. Absolutely do not allow candy canes, though, since J is for Jesus.

[Anonymous]

If you go to synagogue and if it is extremely important to you *not* to have a Christmas tree in your home, then you need to re-think this relationship generally, and in any case not move in together. You say she is "not particularly religious" but the importance she places on a Christian symbol in the house at Christmas tells you that on some level, she is religious (even if it is only cultural).

As the Christian wife of a Jewish man, I assure you that this is the tip of the iceberg. There will be many, MANY such issues that you will need to navigate and it is not easy. Not at all.

Think long and hard about staying in this, and moving forward with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am single Jewish dad with two kids at home. I have been going out with a single non-Jewish mom with one kid. We are thinking of eventually moving in together, but one issue separates us. As much as it is important for her to have a Christmas tree in the living room, it is important to me that we don't have a Christmas tree in the living room. She is not particularly religious, but the tree is a symbol of the holidays. Her compromise is to decorate the tree with both Chanukah and Christmas ornaments. I do go to synagogue -- and yes I have heard the guidance that if this were so important to me then I should have only dated Jewish women (I tried that without success but that is the subject of another post). She is very supportive of my Jewish observance, although she has no interest in exploring it for herself. As we live apart, I enjoy helping her celebrate the Christmas holiday with a tree; my issue is having the tree in my (or our) home. How have others navigated this difficult issue?

I would find someone who either shared my belief or decided that it wasn't important to have a tree.

It doesn't mean you only date Jewish women - it means you date a woman who fits you. She doesn't. Move on quickly so as not to waste more time with someone who is not the one.

[Anonymous]

I think you are being ridiculous. I know a bunch of Jews who have trees and Easter baskets. Whether its good or bad thosecholidays have become secular.

[Anonymous]

Does that mean you will not have any Jewish symbols in the home? No star of David, no menorah, no yamaka?

[Anonymous]

You both sound oddly stubborn about something that’s not important. I can’t imagine why either of you would find this a sticking point. Forget the tree itself and think about the interests behind why it’s important to have or not have it and see if you can get to the heart of the matter to satisfy each of your core values.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like this isn't going to work. You don't want to bend, and if I were her I wouldn't want to give up celebrating Christmas (since you don't mention that she intends to convert). Particularly since there are kids on both sides this is likely just the first of many issues. I grew up in a mixed house and it was totally fine but neither parent was observant - that may be a whole other issue but we were able to celebrate both jewish and christian holidays.

[Anonymous]

I would strongly consider moving this relationship forward. This is the start of many compromises in a long term relationship. I would definitely schedule some sessions with a relationship counselor to work through how you will deal with other conflict.

Also, do you have another room where the tree could go? A basement family room?

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I am a Jewish woman married to a Christian man. In December we have both a tree and a menorah in our home. The tradition of the tree has pagan roots and the way most of this country (my husband’s family included) celebrates is pretty secular. It doesn’t make me any less Jewish to help my husband and kids decorate a pine tree with pretty glass ornaments, any more than watching the kids and me light the menorah and eating latkes makes my husband Jewish. Now if he wanted us to go church or hang up crosses or icons, then I would be uncomfortable.

However, if this is your hill to die on, and hers too, you just may not be compatible.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the tree is not the issue, but subconsciously something else is

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are being ridiculous. I know a bunch of Jews who have trees and Easter baskets. Whether its good or bad those *symbols* have *always been* secular.

Fixed it for you

[Anonymous]

Why is the tree such a big deal to you?

[Anonymous]

I’m from a conservative Christian family and my husband is from a Jewish family. We are both essentially agnostic, but celebrate both Jewish and Christian holidays in our house on a cultural level. If you aren’t willing to allow her to celebrate as she sees fit in her own home, you really just aren’t compatible.

[Anonymous]

So does she want to celebrate Christmas by having the tree, talking about Santa and exchanging gifts? If so, there is nothing religious about that. It's just a nice tradition.

to me it would be different if she also wanted to celebrate Advent, attend Church. put up a manager scene and so on. That seems to be a more serious discussion of how you want to present religion in your home.

think about if you are holding onto idea, theories and images of an imagined family life - maybe one that had to mirror your own childhood or fix things you didn't like in your childhood. Sometimes we have to free ourselves from those things we imagined and deal with what is.