How long did it take you to stop hating someone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm Irish, so my answer is, "Stop hating someone? Let go of grievances? I do not understand these words..."

this.

Irish also and agree.

Yes, me too!

Try Irish-Sicilian ?. That hate will continue past death.

Grudges don’t go. I carry them for people that wronged my kids as well.

[Anonymous]

Hate requires too much energy and lets the world know the person got to you. The best revenge is to be unbothered.

My ex cheated on me and got another woman pregnant. If that shouldn’t trigger hate, I don’t know what should. I didn’t hate him (or her). He just became dead to me. As if he never existed. I moved on with my life and cut out every trace of him but refused to carry baggage in my heart about it. Years later he friended me on Facebook. I forgive him. I don’t want to be FRIENDS-friends with him but it’s in the past. People do terribly selfish and stupid things sometimes. It’s not going to steal my peace. I am doing well for myself and always have so his bad actions didn’t hold me back (and for what it’s worth, I never held his sins against any future partner).

[Anonymous]

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Let it go, and be free!

[Anonymous]

All these people saying let go don’t understand. I would have said the same once upon a time. I had a dear friend gossiping with full openness to everyone I know about painfully private matters. That was my first experience with hate and believe me if I could let go of not hating her and rise above I would have chosen that over the pure misery. I know I was the one feeling the worst and had no illusions she was suffering from my hate, I was. Who wouldn’t want to let that go? If there was a switch to not care I would have flipped it in a heartbeat but it took years to try and keep busy, not think about it and let that burning hatred fizzle out.

[Anonymous]

Hate with passion? Nah, that is waste of time and energy, but truly stop hating and forgive? That is not in my nature, but neither is allowing unworthy person to take up my emotions and drain me. What good does that do? Just harms me, or in this case you, OP. There is only one person who falls into kind of that category, but even that is not truly hate, I just couldn't understand how can someone be that evil.

[Anonymous]

Depends on whom. I hate a few people but as years go by, it doesn’t go away, but doesn’t feel like hate anymore, more like disgust/apathy....just becomes much more dispassionate.

[Anonymous]

It can be fun to hold a grudge. 10 years and counting.

[Anonymous]

I agree that it depends. My sister was killed when I was a teen. That was almost 30 years ago, but I still feel contempt and hate for the person who killed her. I don't think it will ever go away. On the other side, I have an ex husband who absolutely wronged me. He got addicted to drugs while we were married and abused and then abandoned me and our child. It took me several years, but I don't hate him anymore. The situation makes me sad, but I don't wish him ill and feel like moving on and letting go of the hate has allowed me to heal. It depends....

[Anonymous]

I wronged a friend. I recognize a couple of real things.

And beyond that one was an utter accident. She told me something, and the way she talked about it, I thought she had told her bf. I repeated what she said (again, thinking it was a conversation they had had). It wasn’t anything major that I said, but, eventually they broke up. Not a long relationship. I know she holds it harder than I was willing to concede but I *sincerely* apologized. She just still held it against me that I said anything at all...when I tried explaining what a huge accident it was.

Reflecting on her over time, I think she was easy to piss off. I mean, feelings are real. She’s allowed to be mad. She’s allowed to see things differently. But I *never* held stuff against her the way she held onto stuff I did wrong.

Please let it go (again, depending what it is)

[Anonymous]

It's been five years and seven years for the people I have very strong negative feelings for, and I still feel incredibly angry and vengeful when I think about them. I think the world will be a better place when they die. I still have elaborate daydreams where I confront them and they are publicly shamed and embarrassed.

I am a practicing Catholic, and I know what I feel is wrong. I try to pray for them, and I do sincerely feel for them that something was really twisted in them to behave so badly, but I cannot truly forgive them. I live daily with the consequences of their actions, and the fallout will forever impact my life and the lives of the people I love in a negative way. I am not sure I will ever stop feeling angry or wishing them ill. That being said, the anger no longer consumes me, like it did the first couple of years. It also has not stopped me from moving on in my life, which is full of many good things and blessings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's been five years and seven years for the people I have very strong negative feelings for, and I still feel incredibly angry and vengeful when I think about them. I think the world will be a better place when they die. I still have elaborate daydreams where I confront them and they are publicly shamed and embarrassed.

I am a practicing Catholic, and I know what I feel is wrong. I try to pray for them, and I do sincerely feel for them that something was really twisted in them to behave so badly, but I cannot truly forgive them. I live daily with the consequences of their actions, and the fallout will forever impact my life and the lives of the people I love in a negative way. I am not sure I will ever stop feeling angry or wishing them ill. That being said, the anger no longer consumes me, like it did the first couple of years. It also has not stopped me from moving on in my life, which is full of many good things and blessings.

I don't understand how those people's action impacting the life of the people you love. It is your behavior, your emotions that impact people you love. You are the one who makes a choice every single day how you are going to interact with the people who love you. No one forces you to act one way or another. Blaming other people for the choice you make is lame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am speaking about a friend who deeply wronged you and is no longer in your life. I have really been working on this - prayer and meditation to forgive her. I really want to let it go and I do succeed at it for about an hour or two and then my anger comes slamming back.

How long is this going to take?

It's funny, I was just thinking about ex-friend that I really hate.
She was hurting me for a few years, I never in my life bumped into someone that cold hearted. I was in deep trouble and she was laughing in my face, telling me that I am treated this way because I am nothing special (abusive marriage), and bragging about how good she has it "she deserves it''. I distanced myself from her but never really broke up the 'friendship'.
She is in a deep sh@t for a few years now and expects support from me - she is in and out of a mental institution and she has pretty nasty STD that could cause cancer later down the road - and asking me if she can move in my house, and all I feel is hate and feel that her sh@t finally caught up with her. It has been 22 yrs.
I am not even working on it, I love it.

[Anonymous]

It's easier for me to distract myself and forget, than actually do the work to forgive, however awful that sounds.

In my case it's my lab prof who kicked me out and prevented me from graduating with a PhD I had been working on for years. Killed my career in research.

If we make it financially, I know I'll be able to forgive him. But right now money is tight so it's hard to overlook what could have been.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It's easier for me to distract myself and forget, than actually do the work to forgive, however awful that sounds.

In my case it's my lab prof who kicked me out and prevented me from graduating with a PhD I had been working on for years. Killed my career in research.

If we make it financially, I know I'll be able to forgive him. But right now money is tight so it's hard to overlook what could have been.

It is amazing the unchecked abuses in academia. I’m sorry PP. But have you thought about becoming an intellectual property lawyer? Your technical knowledge is a huge asset and it is a fascinating, productive and lucrative career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All these people saying let go don’t understand. I would have said the same once upon a time. I had a dear friend gossiping with full openness to everyone I know about painfully private matters. That was my first experience with hate and believe me if I could let go of not hating her and rise above I would have chosen that over the pure misery. I know I was the one feeling the worst and had no illusions she was suffering from my hate, I was. Who wouldn’t want to let that go? If there was a switch to not care I would have flipped it in a heartbeat but it took years to try and keep busy, not think about it and let that burning hatred fizzle out.

Same. Like OP, I worked hard on trying to forgive her and let it go but it kept popping back up. I did my very best but still fell into deep rages of hatred. It took a long time and a lot of meditation to get over it. Now I just think nothing when I think of her - not good, not bad, just nothing.