How long did it take you to stop hating someone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm Irish, so my answer is, "Stop hating someone? Let go of grievances? I do not understand these words..."

this.

Irish also and agree.

Yes, me too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It took me over 15 years. But much of that was my own fault...I thought if I could understand why she did the things she did, then the pain would go away. So I continued to ruminate on the whys and thus held on to the pain. I finally realized that I was never going to know why she did what she did, and that not knowing was okay. Once I let go of the whys, the hate and hurt left me. I was able to forgive her and now I rarely think of her.

I'm glad that you were able to come to terms with it and move on. Sometimes people behave in difficult to understand ways that have nothing at all to do with us. I'm glad you let her go. Hopefully she has learned from her past mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm Irish, so my answer is, "Stop hating someone? Let go of grievances? I do not understand these words..."

this.

Irish also and agree.

Yes, me too!

I'm Irish, too, and I would rather focus on the people who are actually good to me than hold angry grudges. I don't forget but I don't actively hate, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a roommate in college who was the only person who ever truly bullied me. She physically and verbally intimidated me the entire time we lived together. She caused me to drop out of school for part of a semester because I couldn’t take it any more. Getting away from her was the most freeing event of my life. I wouldn’t say I hated her (I can’t think of anyone I hate), but my negative feelings towards her were very strong for a few years. I haven’t given her much thought in many years.

Guess who tried to friend me on Facebook recently? Now I find myself thinking of her for the first time in years and ruminating over the question of why she would reach out. I feel vaguely insulted. Does she want me to admire her life? Is she playing a mind game like she did back in the day? Is she clueless? Is it possible that she had a total personality change and has an apology to offer?

Anyway, not hate, but those buried memories and negative emotions weren’t too far from the surface 25 years later, given the right trigger.

This sounds terrible. But out of curiosity why didn't you just switch to another room? Why would you feel the need to actually drop out of school to get away from a bad roommate? That sounds really drastic, so drastic, in fact, that it makes me wonder if you had a lot of other things going on in addition to what was happening with this roommate.

It's fine to hold her accountable for what she actually did do, of course.

I moved into an apartment my junior year with one of my oldest friends and this woman, who was a newish friend of hers. We were all on the lease, and we all stretched to afford it so unfortunately it wasn’t as simple as moving to another room. There was nothing else going on, outside of what was a timid personality on my part and a borderline personality disorder on her part. I was a pretty drama free person who never had anything resembling an enemy, and didn’t see that train wreck coming.

O.k. you made a bad choice in roommates. It happens. But for you to totally drop out of school like that was extreme. Couldn't you have spent time studying in the library and maybe hanging out with other friends? I've known people who have quite literally had a 2+ hour commute to and from school every day. They basically go home to sleep. If school is a priority, you do what you gotta do.

NP here. It sounds like PP did the right thing by dropping out for a bit and getting some help. It's not crazy extreme and I assume she still graduated. Who cares if PP extended college by some months. People do that all the time. Good for you, PP, for taking care of yourself.

I had an abusive roommate in my 20s. It took a while for me to realize what was happening. Sometimes it sneaks up on you. It shocks me that I had allowed any of it. My roommate was so "charming" around others. He still is charming to others but truly has something wrong with him. It was my first and only brush with psychological abuse. I have more empathy now for people who find themselves in those situations.

[Anonymous]

Just give it time. I think you need to just be angry. Meditation can come with time. But if its recent- just be angry. Write a lo g letter about how crappy she is and all the horrible things that deserve to happen to her. Then burn the letter. Then take a big stick to a tree and beat the tree. Yell and scream and cry.

If you try to make it go away without processing it you will sublimate it into other issues in your life. You have to sit with your anger for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a roommate in college who was the only person who ever truly bullied me. She physically and verbally intimidated me the entire time we lived together. She caused me to drop out of school for part of a semester because I couldn’t take it any more. Getting away from her was the most freeing event of my life. I wouldn’t say I hated her (I can’t think of anyone I hate), but my negative feelings towards her were very strong for a few years. I haven’t given her much thought in many years.

Guess who tried to friend me on Facebook recently? Now I find myself thinking of her for the first time in years and ruminating over the question of why she would reach out. I feel vaguely insulted. Does she want me to admire her life? Is she playing a mind game like she did back in the day? Is she clueless? Is it possible that she had a total personality change and has an apology to offer?

Anyway, not hate, but those buried memories and negative emotions weren’t too far from the surface 25 years later, given the right trigger.

This sounds terrible. But out of curiosity why didn't you just switch to another room? Why would you feel the need to actually drop out of school to get away from a bad roommate? That sounds really drastic, so drastic, in fact, that it makes me wonder if you had a lot of other things going on in addition to what was happening with this roommate.

It's fine to hold her accountable for what she actually did do, of course.

I moved into an apartment my junior year with one of my oldest friends and this woman, who was a newish friend of hers. We were all on the lease, and we all stretched to afford it so unfortunately it wasn’t as simple as moving to another room. There was nothing else going on, outside of what was a timid personality on my part and a borderline personality disorder on her part. I was a pretty drama free person who never had anything resembling an enemy, and didn’t see that train wreck coming.

O.k. you made a bad choice in roommates. It happens. But for you to totally drop out of school like that was extreme. Couldn't you have spent time studying in the library and maybe hanging out with other friends? I've known people who have quite literally had a 2+ hour commute to and from school every day. They basically go home to sleep. If school is a priority, you do what you gotta do.

NP here. It sounds like PP did the right thing by dropping out for a bit and getting some help. It's not crazy extreme and I assume she still graduated. Who cares if PP extended college by some months. People do that all the time. Good for you, PP, for taking care of yourself.

I had an abusive roommate in my 20s. It took a while for me to realize what was happening. Sometimes it sneaks up on you. It shocks me that I had allowed any of it. My roommate was so "charming" around others. He still is charming to others but truly has something wrong with him. It was my first and only brush with psychological abuse. I have more empathy now for people who find themselves in those situations.

I'm just trying to picture myself GAF about my mean roommate and I just can't quite see me doing that. At that age I would have switched rooms or hung out with other friends. If the roommate was damaging the apartment I would have brought the apt manager in to bust her.

I knew lots of students who had roommate problems. Sometimes they hung out in my room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a roommate in college who was the only person who ever truly bullied me. She physically and verbally intimidated me the entire time we lived together. She caused me to drop out of school for part of a semester because I couldn’t take it any more. Getting away from her was the most freeing event of my life. I wouldn’t say I hated her (I can’t think of anyone I hate), but my negative feelings towards her were very strong for a few years. I haven’t given her much thought in many years.

Guess who tried to friend me on Facebook recently? Now I find myself thinking of her for the first time in years and ruminating over the question of why she would reach out. I feel vaguely insulted. Does she want me to admire her life? Is she playing a mind game like she did back in the day? Is she clueless? Is it possible that she had a total personality change and has an apology to offer?

Anyway, not hate, but those buried memories and negative emotions weren’t too far from the surface 25 years later, given the right trigger.

This sounds terrible. But out of curiosity why didn't you just switch to another room? Why would you feel the need to actually drop out of school to get away from a bad roommate? That sounds really drastic, so drastic, in fact, that it makes me wonder if you had a lot of other things going on in addition to what was happening with this roommate.

It's fine to hold her accountable for what she actually did do, of course.

I moved into an apartment my junior year with one of my oldest friends and this woman, who was a newish friend of hers. We were all on the lease, and we all stretched to afford it so unfortunately it wasn’t as simple as moving to another room. There was nothing else going on, outside of what was a timid personality on my part and a borderline personality disorder on her part. I was a pretty drama free person who never had anything resembling an enemy, and didn’t see that train wreck coming.

O.k. you made a bad choice in roommates. It happens. But for you to totally drop out of school like that was extreme. Couldn't you have spent time studying in the library and maybe hanging out with other friends? I've known people who have quite literally had a 2+ hour commute to and from school every day. They basically go home to sleep. If school is a priority, you do what you gotta do.

NP here. It sounds like PP did the right thing by dropping out for a bit and getting some help. It's not crazy extreme and I assume she still graduated. Who cares if PP extended college by some months. People do that all the time. Good for you, PP, for taking care of yourself.

I had an abusive roommate in my 20s. It took a while for me to realize what was happening. Sometimes it sneaks up on you. It shocks me that I had allowed any of it. My roommate was so "charming" around others. He still is charming to others but truly has something wrong with him. It was my first and only brush with psychological abuse. I have more empathy now for people who find themselves in those situations.

I'm just trying to picture myself GAF about my mean roommate and I just can't quite see me doing that. At that age I would have switched rooms or hung out with other friends. If the roommate was damaging the apartment I would have brought the apt manager in to bust her.

I knew lots of students who had roommate problems. Sometimes they hung out in my room.

I'm the poster with an abusive roommate in my 20s. If you would have asked me then, I would say I never would put up with any crap. When I found myself in an abusive situation, it was hard to see clearly. It took a new boyfriend coming into the picture to say, "wtf, what are you doing?" to open my eyes and I got myself out.

As the PP made clear, this was an apartment, not a dorm. You think you know what you would do in such a situation and you may be right. But, you don't really know.

[Anonymous]

Are you PPs seriously arguing with someone about how they would have, could have or should have done 25 years ago?? I didn't hear her asking for your opinion - "hey did I handle this the way you would have 25 YEARS AGO?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm Irish, so my answer is, "Stop hating someone? Let go of grievances? I do not understand these words..."

this.

Irish also and agree.

Yes, me too!

I'm Irish, too, and I would rather focus on the people who are actually good to me than hold angry grudges. I don't forget but I don't actively hate, either.

My mom has Irish Alzheimer's - she has forgotten everything except her grievances.

(Mostly kidding... but not entirely)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a roommate in college who was the only person who ever truly bullied me. She physically and verbally intimidated me the entire time we lived together. She caused me to drop out of school for part of a semester because I couldn’t take it any more. Getting away from her was the most freeing event of my life. I wouldn’t say I hated her (I can’t think of anyone I hate), but my negative feelings towards her were very strong for a few years. I haven’t given her much thought in many years.

Guess who tried to friend me on Facebook recently? Now I find myself thinking of her for the first time in years and ruminating over the question of why she would reach out. I feel vaguely insulted. Does she want me to admire her life? Is she playing a mind game like she did back in the day? Is she clueless? Is it possible that she had a total personality change and has an apology to offer?

Anyway, not hate, but those buried memories and negative emotions weren’t too far from the surface 25 years later, given the right trigger.

This sounds terrible. But out of curiosity why didn't you just switch to another room? Why would you feel the need to actually drop out of school to get away from a bad roommate? That sounds really drastic, so drastic, in fact, that it makes me wonder if you had a lot of other things going on in addition to what was happening with this roommate.

It's fine to hold her accountable for what she actually did do, of course.

I moved into an apartment my junior year with one of my oldest friends and this woman, who was a newish friend of hers. We were all on the lease, and we all stretched to afford it so unfortunately it wasn’t as simple as moving to another room. There was nothing else going on, outside of what was a timid personality on my part and a borderline personality disorder on her part. I was a pretty drama free person who never had anything resembling an enemy, and didn’t see that train wreck coming.

O.k. you made a bad choice in roommates. It happens. But for you to totally drop out of school like that was extreme. Couldn't you have spent time studying in the library and maybe hanging out with other friends? I've known people who have quite literally had a 2+ hour commute to and from school every day. They basically go home to sleep. If school is a priority, you do what you gotta do.

NP here. It sounds like PP did the right thing by dropping out for a bit and getting some help. It's not crazy extreme and I assume she still graduated. Who cares if PP extended college by some months. People do that all the time. Good for you, PP, for taking care of yourself.

I had an abusive roommate in my 20s. It took a while for me to realize what was happening. Sometimes it sneaks up on you. It shocks me that I had allowed any of it. My roommate was so "charming" around others. He still is charming to others but truly has something wrong with him. It was my first and only brush with psychological abuse. I have more empathy now for people who find themselves in those situations.

I'm just trying to picture myself GAF about my mean roommate and I just can't quite see me doing that. At that age I would have switched rooms or hung out with other friends. If the roommate was damaging the apartment I would have brought the apt manager in to bust her.

I knew lots of students who had roommate problems. Sometimes they hung out in my room.

I'm the poster with an abusive roommate in my 20s. If you would have asked me then, I would say I never would put up with any crap. When I found myself in an abusive situation, it was hard to see clearly. It took a new boyfriend coming into the picture to say, "wtf, what are you doing?" to open my eyes and I got myself out.

As the PP made clear, this was an apartment, not a dorm. You think you know what you would do in such a situation and you may be right. But, you don't really know.

I had shared rentals and if I had run into serious problems with a roommate I would have avoided that roommate like the plague and talked to the landlord about what I could do to get out of that lease. If there was no way out of the lease I would have stayed gone a lot and not given that person the opportunity to abuse me like that. And I would have counted down the days until the lease was over. I would not have just dropped out of school completely and left like that because doing so does not solve your problem. You still have to finish out the lease. Might as well store your stuff there.

[Anonymous]

^Regardless, I do understand why you don't have warm fuzzy feelings about a bad roommate. I'm just saying that you made choices that went beyond simply having a bad roommate situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm Irish, so my answer is, "Stop hating someone? Let go of grievances? I do not understand these words..."

this.

Irish also and agree.

Yes, me too!

I'm Irish, too, and I would rather focus on the people who are actually good to me than hold angry grudges. I don't forget but I don't actively hate, either.

My mom has Irish Alzheimer's - she has forgotten everything except her grievances.

(Mostly kidding... but not entirely)

Lol. I know the type.

[Anonymous]

If I was grievously wronged by a good friend I'm not sure the relationship could be salvaged. I'd try and put it behind me but how can you trust them again? Life's too short....move on. I'm sure you have plenty of other friends that will lift you up and not drag you down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a roommate in college who was the only person who ever truly bullied me. She physically and verbally intimidated me the entire time we lived together. She caused me to drop out of school for part of a semester because I couldn’t take it any more. Getting away from her was the most freeing event of my life. I wouldn’t say I hated her (I can’t think of anyone I hate), but my negative feelings towards her were very strong for a few years. I haven’t given her much thought in many years.

Guess who tried to friend me on Facebook recently? Now I find myself thinking of her for the first time in years and ruminating over the question of why she would reach out. I feel vaguely insulted. Does she want me to admire her life? Is she playing a mind game like she did back in the day? Is she clueless? Is it possible that she had a total personality change and has an apology to offer?

Anyway, not hate, but those buried memories and negative emotions weren’t too far from the surface 25 years later, given the right trigger.

This sounds terrible. But out of curiosity why didn't you just switch to another room? Why would you feel the need to actually drop out of school to get away from a bad roommate? That sounds really drastic, so drastic, in fact, that it makes me wonder if you had a lot of other things going on in addition to what was happening with this roommate.

It's fine to hold her accountable for what she actually did do, of course.

I moved into an apartment my junior year with one of my oldest friends and this woman, who was a newish friend of hers. We were all on the lease, and we all stretched to afford it so unfortunately it wasn’t as simple as moving to another room. There was nothing else going on, outside of what was a timid personality on my part and a borderline personality disorder on her part. I was a pretty drama free person who never had anything resembling an enemy, and didn’t see that train wreck coming.

O.k. you made a bad choice in roommates. It happens. But for you to totally drop out of school like that was extreme. Couldn't you have spent time studying in the library and maybe hanging out with other friends? I've known people who have quite literally had a 2+ hour commute to and from school every day. They basically go home to sleep. If school is a priority, you do what you gotta do.

NP here. It sounds like PP did the right thing by dropping out for a bit and getting some help. It's not crazy extreme and I assume she still graduated. Who cares if PP extended college by some months. People do that all the time. Good for you, PP, for taking care of yourself.

I had an abusive roommate in my 20s. It took a while for me to realize what was happening. Sometimes it sneaks up on you. It shocks me that I had allowed any of it. My roommate was so "charming" around others. He still is charming to others but truly has something wrong with him. It was my first and only brush with psychological abuse. I have more empathy now for people who find themselves in those situations.

I'm just trying to picture myself GAF about my mean roommate and I just can't quite see me doing that. At that age I would have switched rooms or hung out with other friends. If the roommate was damaging the apartment I would have brought the apt manager in to bust her.

I knew lots of students who had roommate problems. Sometimes they hung out in my room.

I'm the poster with an abusive roommate in my 20s. If you would have asked me then, I would say I never would put up with any crap. When I found myself in an abusive situation, it was hard to see clearly. It took a new boyfriend coming into the picture to say, "wtf, what are you doing?" to open my eyes and I got myself out.

As the PP made clear, this was an apartment, not a dorm. You think you know what you would do in such a situation and you may be right. But, you don't really know.

I had shared rentals and if I had run into serious problems with a roommate I would have avoided that roommate like the plague and talked to the landlord about what I could do to get out of that lease. If there was no way out of the lease I would have stayed gone a lot and not given that person the opportunity to abuse me like that. And I would have counted down the days until the lease was over. I would not have just dropped out of school completely and left like that because doing so does not solve your problem. You still have to finish out the lease. Might as well store your stuff there.

I’m the pp who dropped out, and I agree that I didn’t make the best decisions at the time. With a few more years of life experience I would have handled it differently. But I left those “shoulda, woulda” self recriminations behind years ago. I was basically a kid who was overwhelmed and frightened and just needed to get away from that person before she physically harmed me or spit in my milk again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a roommate in college who was the only person who ever truly bullied me. She physically and verbally intimidated me the entire time we lived together. She caused me to drop out of school for part of a semester because I couldn’t take it any more. Getting away from her was the most freeing event of my life. I wouldn’t say I hated her (I can’t think of anyone I hate), but my negative feelings towards her were very strong for a few years. I haven’t given her much thought in many years.

Guess who tried to friend me on Facebook recently? Now I find myself thinking of her for the first time in years and ruminating over the question of why she would reach out. I feel vaguely insulted. Does she want me to admire her life? Is she playing a mind game like she did back in the day? Is she clueless? Is it possible that she had a total personality change and has an apology to offer?

Anyway, not hate, but those buried memories and negative emotions weren’t too far from the surface 25 years later, given the right trigger.

This sounds terrible. But out of curiosity why didn't you just switch to another room? Why would you feel the need to actually drop out of school to get away from a bad roommate? That sounds really drastic, so drastic, in fact, that it makes me wonder if you had a lot of other things going on in addition to what was happening with this roommate.

It's fine to hold her accountable for what she actually did do, of course.

I moved into an apartment my junior year with one of my oldest friends and this woman, who was a newish friend of hers. We were all on the lease, and we all stretched to afford it so unfortunately it wasn’t as simple as moving to another room. There was nothing else going on, outside of what was a timid personality on my part and a borderline personality disorder on her part. I was a pretty drama free person who never had anything resembling an enemy, and didn’t see that train wreck coming.

O.k. you made a bad choice in roommates. It happens. But for you to totally drop out of school like that was extreme. Couldn't you have spent time studying in the library and maybe hanging out with other friends? I've known people who have quite literally had a 2+ hour commute to and from school every day. They basically go home to sleep. If school is a priority, you do what you gotta do.

NP here. It sounds like PP did the right thing by dropping out for a bit and getting some help. It's not crazy extreme and I assume she still graduated. Who cares if PP extended college by some months. People do that all the time. Good for you, PP, for taking care of yourself.

I had an abusive roommate in my 20s. It took a while for me to realize what was happening. Sometimes it sneaks up on you. It shocks me that I had allowed any of it. My roommate was so "charming" around others. He still is charming to others but truly has something wrong with him. It was my first and only brush with psychological abuse. I have more empathy now for people who find themselves in those situations.

I'm just trying to picture myself GAF about my mean roommate and I just can't quite see me doing that. At that age I would have switched rooms or hung out with other friends. If the roommate was damaging the apartment I would have brought the apt manager in to bust her.

I knew lots of students who had roommate problems. Sometimes they hung out in my room.

I'm the poster with an abusive roommate in my 20s. If you would have asked me then, I would say I never would put up with any crap. When I found myself in an abusive situation, it was hard to see clearly. It took a new boyfriend coming into the picture to say, "wtf, what are you doing?" to open my eyes and I got myself out.

As the PP made clear, this was an apartment, not a dorm. You think you know what you would do in such a situation and you may be right. But, you don't really know.

I had shared rentals and if I had run into serious problems with a roommate I would have avoided that roommate like the plague and talked to the landlord about what I could do to get out of that lease. If there was no way out of the lease I would have stayed gone a lot and not given that person the opportunity to abuse me like that. And I would have counted down the days until the lease was over. I would not have just dropped out of school completely and left like that because doing so does not solve your problem. You still have to finish out the lease. Might as well store your stuff there.

I’m the pp who dropped out, and I agree that I didn’t make the best decisions at the time. With a few more years of life experience I would have handled it differently. But I left those “shoulda, woulda” self recriminations behind years ago. I was basically a kid who was overwhelmed and frightened and just needed to get away from that person before she physically harmed me or spit in my milk again.

I totally get you! The important thing is that you realize that you could have handled your crazy roommate better and you would never allow yourself to be treated like that again.