How long did it take you to stop hating someone?

[Anonymous]

Hate is self-distracting thing. First you have to figure out why you hate this person. The reason is usually within ourselves. Then you have to forgive yourself for this feeling of hate. Then it will dissapear.

[Anonymous]

I want to give some support to the woman who dropped out of college. She was probably around 20, and hadn’t encountered that behavior before. I didn’t encounter it either growing up, I get that. When I did, it was a colleague. I was 40. She was such an abusive bully that I quit a job I otherwise loved. Once I got my wits about me, I was annoyed with myself for letting her drive me out. Sheer hatred too, for probably 2 years. By that point I had reestablished myself in a new job which I actually ended up liking a ton more than that first one. I think in retrospect I kind of had that “need my abuser” syndrome. I just lost perspective and gave her so much power. But I learned from the experience and that wouldn’t happen again, and it propelled me in a different and better direction. Now, many years out, I can see that it was more about her than me by a long shot. I also see that I acted like a doormat because she psychologically manipulated me and gaslighted me and I lost my confidence. I also concur with those who said it takes about 2 to 2.5 years to reach the apathy phase, and even thenyou can easily be triggered. My best recommendations are to not see, talk or follow them (on social media). Limit contact with people who are the bridge between you. Get therapy. Build up your confidence again and kind of zero in on only the people you know really care about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to give some support to the woman who dropped out of college. She was probably around 20, and hadn’t encountered that behavior before. I didn’t encounter it either growing up, I get that. When I did, it was a colleague. I was 40. She was such an abusive bully that I quit a job I otherwise loved. Once I got my wits about me, I was annoyed with myself for letting her drive me out. Sheer hatred too, for probably 2 years. By that point I had reestablished myself in a new job which I actually ended up liking a ton more than that first one. I think in retrospect I kind of had that “need my abuser” syndrome. I just lost perspective and gave her so much power. But I learned from the experience and that wouldn’t happen again, and it propelled me in a different and better direction. Now, many years out, I can see that it was more about her than me by a long shot. I also see that I acted like a doormat because she psychologically manipulated me and gaslighted me and I lost my confidence. I also concur with those who said it takes about 2 to 2.5 years to reach the apathy phase, and even thenyou can easily be triggered. My best recommendations are to not see, talk or follow them (on social media). Limit contact with people who are the bridge between you. Get therapy. Build up your confidence again and kind of zero in on only the people you know really care about you.

I agree with all your advice and would add: replace them with other, better people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hate is self-distracting thing. First you have to figure out why you hate this person. The reason is usually within ourselves. Then you have to forgive yourself for this feeling of hate. Then it will dissapear.

x1000

[Anonymous]

A good 15 years. She was my closest friend for about 5 years and then when I hit a rough patch in my personal life, when I needed her most, she ghosted me. I was heartbroken. I feel a vague sense of sadness now but I’m so glad that awful anger and sorrow has gone away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All these people saying let go don’t understand. I would have said the same once upon a time. I had a dear friend gossiping with full openness to everyone I know about painfully private matters. That was my first experience with hate and believe me if I could let go of not hating her and rise above I would have chosen that over the pure misery. I know I was the one feeling the worst and had no illusions she was suffering from my hate, I was. Who wouldn’t want to let that go? If there was a switch to not care I would have flipped it in a heartbeat but it took years to try and keep busy, not think about it and let that burning hatred fizzle out.

Same. Like OP, I worked hard on trying to forgive her and let it go but it kept popping back up. I did my very best but still fell into deep rages of hatred. It took a long time and a lot of meditation to get over it. Now I just think nothing when I think of her - not good, not bad, just nothing.

Both of these posts are true. If I could have stopped hating a former boss/friend, I would have. Took me years to work thru it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a roommate in college who was the only person who ever truly bullied me. She physically and verbally intimidated me the entire time we lived together. She caused me to drop out of school for part of a semester because I couldn’t take it any more. Getting away from her was the most freeing event of my life. I wouldn’t say I hated her (I can’t think of anyone I hate), but my negative feelings towards her were very strong for a few years. I haven’t given her much thought in many years.

Guess who tried to friend me on Facebook recently? Now I find myself thinking of her for the first time in years and ruminating over the question of why she would reach out. I feel vaguely insulted. Does she want me to admire her life? Is she playing a mind game like she did back in the day? Is she clueless? Is it possible that she had a total personality change and has an apology to offer?

Anyway, not hate, but those buried memories and negative emotions weren’t too far from the surface 25 years later, given the right trigger.

This sounds terrible. But out of curiosity why didn't you just switch to another room? Why would you feel the need to actually drop out of school to get away from a bad roommate? That sounds really drastic, so drastic, in fact, that it makes me wonder if you had a lot of other things going on in addition to what was happening with this roommate.

It's fine to hold her accountable for what she actually did do, of course.

I moved into an apartment my junior year with one of my oldest friends and this woman, who was a newish friend of hers. We were all on the lease, and we all stretched to afford it so unfortunately it wasn’t as simple as moving to another room. There was nothing else going on, outside of what was a timid personality on my part and a borderline personality disorder on her part. I was a pretty drama free person who never had anything resembling an enemy, and didn’t see that train wreck coming.

O.k. you made a bad choice in roommates. It happens. But for you to totally drop out of school like that was extreme. Couldn't you have spent time studying in the library and maybe hanging out with other friends? I've known people who have quite literally had a 2+ hour commute to and from school every day. They basically go home to sleep. If school is a priority, you do what you gotta do.

NP here. It sounds like PP did the right thing by dropping out for a bit and getting some help. It's not crazy extreme and I assume she still graduated. Who cares if PP extended college by some months. People do that all the time. Good for you, PP, for taking care of yourself.

I had an abusive roommate in my 20s. It took a while for me to realize what was happening. Sometimes it sneaks up on you. It shocks me that I had allowed any of it. My roommate was so "charming" around others. He still is charming to others but truly has something wrong with him. It was my first and only brush with psychological abuse. I have more empathy now for people who find themselves in those situations.

I'm just trying to picture myself GAF about my mean roommate and I just can't quite see me doing that. At that age I would have switched rooms or hung out with other friends. If the roommate was damaging the apartment I would have brought the apt manager in to bust her.

I knew lots of students who had roommate problems. Sometimes they hung out in my room.

I'm the poster with an abusive roommate in my 20s. If you would have asked me then, I would say I never would put up with any crap. When I found myself in an abusive situation, it was hard to see clearly. It took a new boyfriend coming into the picture to say, "wtf, what are you doing?" to open my eyes and I got myself out.

As the PP made clear, this was an apartment, not a dorm. You think you know what you would do in such a situation and you may be right. But, you don't really know.

I had shared rentals and if I had run into serious problems with a roommate I would have avoided that roommate like the plague and talked to the landlord about what I could do to get out of that lease. If there was no way out of the lease I would have stayed gone a lot and not given that person the opportunity to abuse me like that. And I would have counted down the days until the lease was over. I would not have just dropped out of school completely and left like that because doing so does not solve your problem. You still have to finish out the lease. Might as well store your stuff there.

I’m the pp who dropped out, and I agree that I didn’t make the best decisions at the time. With a few more years of life experience I would have handled it differently. But I left those “shoulda, woulda” self recriminations behind years ago. I was basically a kid who was overwhelmed and frightened and just needed to get away from that person before she physically harmed me or spit in my milk again.

I totally get you! The important thing is that you realize that you could have handled your crazy roommate better and you would never allow yourself to be treated like that again.

Wtf is wrong with you PP- are you the old abusive roommate? Good god, this girl made her own decision to get out of a toxic situation. Stop nit picking how she dealt with it, just because you would have done it differently! FFS. And she didn’t allow anyone to treat her badly, it was the awful roommate’s fault her their own actions! Don’t put that on her.

To the woman with the abusive roommate, I’m sorry you went through that, and you did nothing wrong! don’t accept her friend request, it will add unnecessary stress to your life. I’m sorry you had to deal with this poster, what happened to you isn’t your fault and whatever decision you made was the best for you at the time.

[Anonymous]

I don't have much to add to the topic since there's been a lot of good advice and commiseration; just want to say I'm not the only person who has had intense feelings of loathing for someone who treated me badly. I also agree that it can take a couple of years for it to fizzle. I think the hardest part, for me anyway, is forgiving myself for allowing the toxicity to continue on for as long as I did.

To the people who say just let it go...if it were that easy, no one would be on here contributing to the thread, and there would be no wars, no divorces, no need for therapists or anything else. Sometimes you can't just "let it go" and it's very naive to think otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hated my cousin when I as growing up and into my 30s. I went to a lot of therapy and finally go to a place where I just didn't care about her anymore. That really didn't happen until all of her connected family was out of my life though which occurred when her father died. I just do not care about her anymore. You still care which is why you hate. If you didn't care, then it would have no effect on you anymore.

This. The anger keeps you connected. I was deeply wronged by a friend, and it took a lot of time to get over it. Maybe 5 years? I don't even think about her anymore.

[Anonymous]

Why do you want to stop hating the person? I'm not sure what benefit a person gets from putting so much WORK into trying to force forgiveness.

I suggest practicing radical acceptance, not forgiveness. Accept that the person is worthy of your hate. Accept what the person has done to be worthy of it. And then try to focus on other things, not on forgiveness. Focus on putting your attention elsewhere.

The only person I hate is my SIL because she emotionally and verbally abused my brother before his suicide, and she is now emotionally and verbally abusing my nephews and refuses to let us see them. It breaks my heart that I can't protect them from her. On the rare occasions that her mood changes and she allows us to spend time with them, I have to put on a totally false face and pretend that I don't wish that she would drop dead. The effort it takes to dance the tightrope with her moods exhausts me for weeks, and yet I know that I have it easy because I don't have to live with her cruelty and capriciousness every day as the children do.

I don't try to forgive her. What she did to my brother was unforgivable and what she is doing to innocent children is unforgivable. How she treats me is unforgivable. I can't help the hate, and I don't fight it. I'm now working on acceptance and trying not to torture myself by putting my head in her emotional buzzsaw all the time in order to try to see my brother's children. I feel guilty EVERY day that I can't protect them or be more of a part of their lives, but I can't.

What I don't expend emotional energy on, though, is forgiveness. I don't see the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm Irish, so my answer is, "Stop hating someone? Let go of grievances? I do not understand these words..."

this.

Irish also and agree.

Yes, me too!

Try Irish-Sicilian ?. That hate will continue past death.

Grudges don’t go. I carry them for people that wronged my kids as well.

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you want to stop hating the person? I'm not sure what benefit a person gets from putting so much WORK into trying to force forgiveness.

I suggest practicing radical acceptance, not forgiveness. Accept that the person is worthy of your hate. Accept what the person has done to be worthy of it. And then try to focus on other things, not on forgiveness. Focus on putting your attention elsewhere.

The only person I hate is my SIL because she emotionally and verbally abused my brother before his suicide, and she is now emotionally and verbally abusing my nephews and refuses to let us see them. It breaks my heart that I can't protect them from her. On the rare occasions that her mood changes and she allows us to spend time with them, I have to put on a totally false face and pretend that I don't wish that she would drop dead. The effort it takes to dance the tightrope with her moods exhausts me for weeks, and yet I know that I have it easy because I don't have to live with her cruelty and capriciousness every day as the children do.

I don't try to forgive her. What she did to my brother was unforgivable and what she is doing to innocent children is unforgivable. How she treats me is unforgivable. I can't help the hate, and I don't fight it. I'm now working on acceptance and trying not to torture myself by putting my head in her emotional buzzsaw all the time in order to try to see my brother's children. I feel guilty EVERY day that I can't protect them or be more of a part of their lives, but I can't.

What I don't expend emotional energy on, though, is forgiveness. I don't see the point.

if she's abusive, can't you call CPS or take her to court to force some visitation rights or something like that? (I don't know how that system actually works, so forgive me if I'm being dumb.)

[Anonymous]

Take a few days and write it all out, OP. Imagine that you were sitting in a room with the person and a therapist/negotiator. Write out long-hand what you would say to that person calmly and factually. Don’t exaggerate. Just get it all down on paper including what you did wrong. Add extenuating circumstances (job burn out, exhaustion, lack of boundaries, etc). And then let it sit. Try not to go back to the written document for awhile. And stop yourself from thinking about what the person did wrong. It’s down on paper now - you don’t have to think about it.

Put away all pictures or cards/gifts from that person. Clear your space of him/her.

Pray and meditate for your peace before you pray and meditate on forgiveness for that person.

Change something in your life for the better - get in shape, organize your home, get a handle on finances, set a better sleep-cycle, spend a set amount of time outdoors, etc.

It can take a long time to let go. But these things really helped me after a severe friend betrayal.

All the best to you. And I am so sorry it happened to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take a few days and write it all out, OP. Imagine that you were sitting in a room with the person and a therapist/negotiator. Write out long-hand what you would say to that person calmly and factually. Don’t exaggerate. Just get it all down on paper including what you did wrong. Add extenuating circumstances (job burn out, exhaustion, lack of boundaries, etc). And then let it sit. Try not to go back to the written document for awhile. And stop yourself from thinking about what the person did wrong. It’s down on paper now - you don’t have to think about it.

Put away all pictures or cards/gifts from that person. Clear your space of him/her.

Pray and meditate for your peace before you pray and meditate on forgiveness for that person.

Change something in your life for the better - get in shape, organize your home, get a handle on finances, set a better sleep-cycle, spend a set amount of time outdoors, etc.

It can take a long time to let go. But these things really helped me after a severe friend betrayal.

All the best to you. And I am so sorry it happened to you.

I may try this. I'm not dealing with hate but disappointment over an acquaintance's rejection that I spend WAY to much time focusing on. Have to find a way to let it go. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

What did the friend supposedly do, OP?